Sick of dh, exhausted and pissed off

[dezzyd]

Just a rant really.
Dh is turning into a real grumpy old man. He cooks, maintains the garden and looks after our dog as well as working full time. I work part time but do everything else - washing, cleaning, shopping, all kids appointments, all life admin.
He pays for 90% of all household costs. I mention this and the jobs he does do to show that he does contribute but emotionally and practically he’s just a bit shit.
It’s become clear to me that he resents family life. I don’t doubt he loves our dc but he can’t cope or be arsed with any of the day to day challenges of parenting - tantrums, illness, difficult behaviour, actually doing things with them for their benefit.
He basically thinks days out are a waste of money because the kids inevitably play up at some point. I am beginning to get really depressed by him.
Christmas is a great example - he will fork out for the big ticket gifts but I am left to sort all the smaller bits, all the cards for his family, all the wrapping, preparation and so on.
I try to do things with out youngest on my days off whether it be library, soft play, play dates, activities. On the rare occasions he’s left with them he’ll just stick the telly or an iPad on.
He is becoming grumpy and difficult to be around.
Leaving isn’t an option. I am fucked financially and wouldn’t want to be without my dc even for the weekends.
He is a big drinker and I have fallen into bad habits by drinking too on an evening with him mainly out of boredom and stress.
In the new year I really want to try and get on top of things. I want to do more with the dc with or without him. I’m planning a trip to see my friend and will make a weekend out of it leaving him at home.
Im thinking of joining a gym and going on an evening when dc are in bed so I can get out of the house and hopefully make new healthier habits.
He can and has been a decent husband who does provide but I’m finding his whole attitude unbearable at the moment. Any advice welcomed.

But those dads also had a wife at home who either worked part time or didn’t work at all. And didn’t resent her for it because that was how society was at the time. Things have moved on yes, but I rarely see a fair balance in work and childbearing these days.

The bar seems to be set so low for men.
If this was flipped everyone would be raging if you just checked out of parenting on the weekend and just left all the kids admin and stuff to him regardless of whether you contributed more financially.

It doesn't matter that he works full time and gets paid more, they're his kids too (also step kid, not being a bio kid doesn't mean anything, he chose to have a relationship with someone with a kid, he took that on and everything it entails).

I don't think you're expecting too much. It's great he does cooking, dog walks etc. but that's great during the week. If he doesn't work weekends that's two full days he should be doing more and actually parenting! I get what you mean about days out, It doesn't need to be big or spend loads of money for it to be a special memory. It could just be the park or the library for a couple of hours. Putting a film on is fine If it's mindfully done, a movie night, make an occasion of it and watch it with them. If he's just putting the TV on and leaving them to it every time that's not good enough. If you asked your DC what would they want to do with their dad?

If something happened to you and you were in hospital for a while would he be able to cope with the kids and know what needed doing? If the answer is no, he needs to do more for his own good as well as his children.

I hope you can have a frank conversation with him at some point about this. If neither of you are happy something has to change or your DC will pick up on their parents not liking each other. I know it might seem a scary prospect, but children seeing dysfunctional and unhappy marriage isn't good.

I think if he's cooking dinner most nights he's doing more than some/most!

Yes he does sound grumpy and not very pleasant to be around.
If you don't want to leave (and do all the cooking, gardening, dog and kids and have to work more hours) you can do is built a life for yourself and the kids a bit separately and get your friendship and emotional support elsewhere. Sounds like you have a good plan for the new year.

I started off doing similar (although my dh did nothing and was totally detached dem family life), but did leave in the end as the thought of growing old with him was unbearable.

It kind of is about money though - to quote what you said in a previous post “ Leaving isn’t an option. I am fucked financially” and “But I would struggle to afford a house alone and basically live”

These responses 🙄 OF COURSE it’s not unreasonable to want your DH to be actively involved in family life and not be a miserable git outside of work.

Seriously the number of posters here who think dads should just work and then put their feet up after and never properly engage with the children is staggering. Is this the 1950s?

DH works FT, I work PT. Because I work 4 days I spend my day off with DS (saving nursery fees) and doing housework. Then, at the weekends and after work, we share all the duties. And of course that means him taking them places, and doing stuff other than ‘putting them on screens’.

People are acting like you want him to the take them to Disneyland or Thorpe Park every weekend when I can see all you really mean is to be a bit more engaged - maybe take them out on bikes, or the park, or just sit and actually play with them.

A lot of wilful misunderstanding, reaching and piling on here. Shameful.

Surprised at the post defending his complete lack of interest in doing anything with his own child, to the point that the OP is concerned about splitting because she doesn't think he will look after them properly.

Yes, its not bad for children to have nothing to do and be bored occasionally.

But ffs of course it's awful to never do anything at all with your child, never take them anywhere, never do activities with them, to the point where all you can think of to do with them if you are sometimes left alone with them is to put them infront of a screen. Because you know that they have another parent who will do stuff with them and because you're the main earner, so job done as far as looking after your family goes.

Yes he works full time in what might be a stressful job and needs some downtime at the weekend. Well guess what, so do a million women and they manage to muster the energy to engage with their children, take them places, and limit screen time to a reasonable level, without an attitude that brings everyone else down.

I understand you. If I wasn't a sahm I would def have divorced my husband as he sounds the same as yours minus the drinking. But since I don't work I don't mind doing everything child and houserelated. I think you are getting a hard time on here. People tell sahm that parenting should be 50/50 on evenings/week-ends but this is not happening in your case even though you do work as well.

Also, do remember that it gets easier with time. I was like a zombie for 10 years but now that they are teens I get some time to me. Still can't work though because one dc autistic and not independant and dh away every week for work.

He sounds like a miserable, shit husband and father.
So he works full time. So do you - you just don’t get paid for half of it!

Sounds like you need one on one time with each other. I think parenting your DCs can overwhelm and stifle your connection with each other, because everything is focused around DCs. I know you say you don’t have family support but is there a friend with whom you can do some reciprocal baby sitting, maybe once a month? I used to find it really helpful to just have that alone time as a couple when you can talk about stuff and just focus on each other. In fact, I have become a gran in this last year, and look after my dgd overnight once a month to give the same opportunity to my daughter and her partner. It’s really important.

Makes me sad when people think because someone contributes the most money in a home that gives them the right to emotionally check out of the relationship and also leave all the rubbish jobs they just wouldn’t want to do to the other person the rest of the time and the partner should just accept that and be happy? Just not the case x

You can't compare working full time and part time, though. You probably wouldn't find it less stressful if you were full time. You seem very resistant to the idea that your husband is working hard and contributing a lot, you seem to just want to nitpick and demand more. I think that YABU and you should either stop complaining or pick up more of the financial slack. You can't have it both ways.

Thank you all. I recognise he contributes both financially and in some ways around the house. I literally said this in my op.
I would just like to see a bit more capability and interest when it comes to the kids that’s all. I’m not a princess, I know that my working arrangements naturally mean I’ll pick up more. But it’s draining always being the go-to parent who has to remember everything and do everything for the kids.
He’s not a bad guy and I do think the lack of time and help has made us drift apart in some ways but hopefully it’ll get easier as the kids get older.

Oh yes, I completely agree. It was just that I recognised the behaviour pattern.

But it’s draining always being the go-to parent who has to remember everything and do everything for the kids.

It is draining - but it's what happens by default when one parent is home more, especially when you're caring for a child that isn't your partners'.

Sorry OP but he's working full time so when do you expect him to be doing life admin like kids appointments?

If you both mange to find the time to sit down and drink every night surely you're both effectively working similar hours during the day albeit yours are for covering the childcare element.

If you want him to do 50/50 with entertaining kids and picking up half the life admin, you should really be getting back to full time work and sharing all the life tasks.

I wouldn't be sorting out Xmas for his family though, that has me clutching my feminist pearls.

Tbf I think a lot of women stick it out because it's not good enough but not bad enough to leave.

Sometimes you make your peace woth thst fact you've married a provider rather than a fun dad and accept that ultimately its his loss.

You can't go back in time and have kids with someone else. He's the dad the have.

But these types of men will always wonder why their wives leave them when the kids have grown-up and left home and you're wondering why you're living a life that is always just a bit more spoiled than it would benefit you lived alone. And by then there's usually enough money to make that feasible.

He's half-assing parenting and is therefore half-assing partnering. That's why you're dissatisfied. I'm sorry but I'm not going to go along with other posts making excuses and encouraging you to internalise an acceptance of that. You deserve more. You don't have to grateful for what he does provide to the point that that you accept immense inequality in your relationship and parenting. He doesn't sound grateful for anything at all and that's where that bar differs for women and men again.

You’re not equals. He pays 90% of all the bills.

100%, on all counts. I think the OP is being unreasonable, because she seems to minimise her husband's contribution (especially given that he is partially responsible for a child who isn't his!) However, she doesn't need to be responsible for his family's cards. That said, I wonder how much of this is just down to differing expectations and ideas of what's important. He sounds like a bit of a minimalist which actually isn't a bad thing. He most likely doesn't see the need for flap and fuss and 'making memories'. Just because the OP differs from him doesn't make either of them right or wrong.

Yes this is how I feel. I’m not minimising his contribution, if I was why would I even go into it in my op? I realise I’m lucky on those counts. Maybe I’m expecting too much - a man who provides but also shows an interest in his family.

Does he really show no interest, or just not in the way you think he should?

Did you discuss working part-time with him and was he happy to be the one paying 90% of the bills while also supporting another man's child?

I don’t think YABU, I’m a SAHM, DH earns the majority of the money (I have a small income from investments). He’s currently doing a puzzle with DC while I’m having cup of tea. Kids can be really hard work but being a parent is one of those things that you can just get someone else to do and it’s fine. He still needs to be present and interested in his children. It’s reasonable for me to do cooking, cleaning etc etc. but I can’t take over everything DH should be doing as the other parent.

What age is he?

i see this behaviour quite a bit in dads who are a bit older…. 😬

or is he just a grumpy old man at heart

It happens by default because people tell women to accept it. It doesn't have to be like that. I was the part time worker, lesser earner, done most of the house and child stuff but her dad still participated in parenting despite vastly outearning me, because he's her dad and that has got nothing to do with how much he earns. He's quite literally her other parent and he has a responsibility to have a relationship with her independent of me.

The OP is working, earning, picking up almost all the childcare and almost all the domestic load. He's not doing all of those things. How convenient for men that it shifted from the number of hours worked to the number of pounds earned. Anything to get out of actually being a fucking adult.