Sick of dh, exhausted and pissed off

[dezzyd]

Just a rant really.
Dh is turning into a real grumpy old man. He cooks, maintains the garden and looks after our dog as well as working full time. I work part time but do everything else - washing, cleaning, shopping, all kids appointments, all life admin.
He pays for 90% of all household costs. I mention this and the jobs he does do to show that he does contribute but emotionally and practically he’s just a bit shit.
It’s become clear to me that he resents family life. I don’t doubt he loves our dc but he can’t cope or be arsed with any of the day to day challenges of parenting - tantrums, illness, difficult behaviour, actually doing things with them for their benefit.
He basically thinks days out are a waste of money because the kids inevitably play up at some point. I am beginning to get really depressed by him.
Christmas is a great example - he will fork out for the big ticket gifts but I am left to sort all the smaller bits, all the cards for his family, all the wrapping, preparation and so on.
I try to do things with out youngest on my days off whether it be library, soft play, play dates, activities. On the rare occasions he’s left with them he’ll just stick the telly or an iPad on.
He is becoming grumpy and difficult to be around.
Leaving isn’t an option. I am fucked financially and wouldn’t want to be without my dc even for the weekends.
He is a big drinker and I have fallen into bad habits by drinking too on an evening with him mainly out of boredom and stress.
In the new year I really want to try and get on top of things. I want to do more with the dc with or without him. I’m planning a trip to see my friend and will make a weekend out of it leaving him at home.
Im thinking of joining a gym and going on an evening when dc are in bed so I can get out of the house and hopefully make new healthier habits.
He can and has been a decent husband who does provide but I’m finding his whole attitude unbearable at the moment. Any advice welcomed.

It's not because he earns more, it's because he works more. And presumably if he's earning 90% of your income then he's in a reasonably high level and probably stressful job.

You're behaving like a princess that wants his money AND for him to run the house/do the parenting (despite one of them not being his!). If you want equal responsibility for parenting and running the household, you need to step up and get a proper full-time job. You can't have it both ways.

A lot of your posts resonate with me, particularly the one about him not needing to do as much because he earns more. I don’t have any advice because I’m in a very similar situation. DH seems to think he holds all the cards because he’s the one that works full time and brings in the bulk of the money (although I do hand over a very substantial portion of my own part time wage each month for the bills and mortgage) but he forgets, or doesn’t care to remember, that he is only able to focus on his job and his outside interests BECAUSE I work part time, which keeps the childcare bill down and enables the running of the home and all the admin and child rearing. We only have one so I can only imagine how much more difficult it is with two with only one of you engaged in day to day parenting.

I don’t know what the answer is but what I will say is that if there’s any thing I want to do or go to with my DC I get on and do it, we have our adventures together with or without DH plus all the smaller activities we do on the weekends like trampolining and what not. But there’s not a lot a wouldn’t give sometimes for DH to say ‘I’ll take him out for a kick about up the park this afternoon’. Or ‘DC doesn’t know how to ride a bike yet, let’s try and sort that out’ or even ‘what’s DC want for tea, I’ll get on and make it’ yes he works full time but he’s not at work on the weekends, and has days off to do as he pleases. Im at work or with our child, there’s no ‘day off’ for me, ever. And I don’t resent it because I genuinely love being with my child, but there’s an unfairness in the fact that one of us has free time outside of working and the other does not.

But he won’t see things differently, and I’ve sadly come to accept it. I too am not in a financial position to leave and over my dead body would I share custody. So I just get on with it. But there’s a fucking great chasm between us now as husband and wife and I don’t know if that will ever change.

Well I can kind of see his point. Why go to the effort and expense of doing nice things if the kids are just going to play up. I wouldn't either

why? He doesn’t need to “do” anything? Why can’t they just play in the house or watch a show?

as long as they’re fed and watered and not playing with fire they don’t have to go out or be doing a special something. That’s not real life.

stop creating such expectations for you and him. It’s too much. Constant entertainment is unrealistic and creates children who can’t be alone and overly stressed parents. Boredom is good.

My ex was also dreadful with both our shared children.
i rang him once from a taxi after doing the Santa shop and said im 5 mins away distract the kids, well the shouting and roaring of “what do you expect me to do with them” was also heard by my taxi driver who was disgusted. I should have left then, but like you would have been financially fucked. I did leave, many years later and my mental health is on its arse because of it,

The whole situation sounds very miserable for both of you. I’m honestly not surprised that he’s grumpy.

If he’s paying 90% of the bills then presumably he works full time & possibly long hours. If you want to balance things out then go back to work full time & use childcare. If I was in your position I would expect to do the majority of the house related jobs. You have time off in the week presumably to go and get things sorted out.

I’m a princess because I would like to see my dh actually engage with and parent his own dc? How low are your standards? He gets stressed out just trying to get her dressed in the morning. Of course given my work arrangements I do expect to do more but the reason he has been able to focus on his career and bring in money is because I have picked up the slack.

To those saying it’s not a big deal that he sticks her in front of a screen, I realise this but it’s every single time. And yeah kids acting up on days out if fairly standard, it doesn’t mean you just refuse to leave the house until they get bigger otherwise how do they learn?

Well yes but surely interspersed with a few days out and things to remember and be excited about or what’s the point? With that attitude DC are never going to have any special childhood memories with their father apart from laying around being bored at home. There’s a balance to be struck.

So basically he doesn’t enjoy being a parent.
He won’t change.
So your options are to put up with this and you do things with your DCs and start to forge a life that involves doing things alone with your DCs and your friends.
Or, leave him.
You have said you won’t leave and hinted that it is due to losing the financial security which your dh provides you with.
If you stay for the money you will have to accept the consequences.
I don’t think your situation is uncommon.
A lot of fathers are like your dh. Deep down he only had dc to pacify you. If pushed the majority of men would not leave a woman who insisted she wasn’t having children, they just wouldn’t.
A lot of women tolerate poor behaviour in exchange for money. That’s what is happening here when everything is striped back.
The decision is yours op. He won’t suddenly become father of the year.

This is exactly how I feel and I’m sorry you go through it too. It seems like the bar is low here for men. I understand he works but there are things he could offer to do. Like you I’d love it if he’d just take the dc out somewhere so I could crack on with wrapping presents (something else he wouldn’t think to do).

You’re probably right. I just expected more from him. You only get to see what sort of a father someone is going to be by having a child with them. I know he loves our dc but I’m deeply disappointed with his attitude.
The money thing, I suppose you have a point but it’s not ‘wanting his money’ in a material sense. We don’t exactly live the life of Riley. But I would struggle to afford a house alone and basically live. Plus I wouldn’t want to give up time with my youngest when he’s so useless at caring for her.

I agree, and also I’ll say that underneath everything my sense of worth has really taken a battering- ie because he is the main earner, and I don’t bring in enough money in his eyes to be seen as an equal partner. Therefore I should put up and shut up and just get on with things. But there are many ways we contribute to a family and a household other than just bringing in money. It’s sad to read here too that the parent who works part time is seen as less important and has no grounds to complain.

Also with no outside family help, which we don’t have either, two parents working full time plus managing all the child related duties and ensuring your children have a good childhood and present parents is pretty fucking difficult.

He isn’t going to change and he does sound crap.

BUT. You’ve basically accepted you’re staying for the money and that’s your choice.

FWIW I’m now a single parent, working multiple stressful jobs to pay the bills and my kid is currently watching dross on YouTube while I mumsnet, because today that’s all I’ve got brain space (and money) for. But I’m much happier doing it all alone because there’s no man to resent in my home.

Special child hood memories can be from playing a board game or watching a film at home or going to the park. It doesn’t need to be a big activity.

maybe they’re just too tantrummy and once they age out the behaviour he’ll be more willing to do activities. It’s ok to roll back activities when they’re in that stage.

kids acting up on days out is not “standard” tbf or when getting dressed or going places

I think the division of labour is a red herring. It's broadly fair. You're both busy. I actually think you're quite privileged in that respect. Not every man would be prepared to support their partner to work pt especially when there is a step child in the mix.

Your actual problem is that your DH sounds very unhappy, is drinking quite a lot and doesn't seem to be able to explain why or what he wants to change. That's very worrying as an indictment on your relationship and his mental health. Could you get him to counselling? Even a GP appointment? This is where you need to focus your concerns not on how much parenting he's doing.

It doesn’t sound like he even wanted a baby, was that something you decided?

Why does every trip out end in a tantrum?

@dezzyd instead of writing it on here you need to tell him you're not happy.

My DH was very similar (but didn't do the cooking either and his hobby always takes priority over me and the kids) but i decided to confront him and tell him I'd had enough. Things are somewhat better but I basically told him that if he wants to be boring then that was his prerogative but me and the kids would be going out to have fun.

But it works both ways - you wouldn’t have been able to reduce your hours significantly to be able to spend time at home if he wasn’t picking up the slack through his working hours. He’s financing you and your eldest. And don’t say he wouldn’t have been able to focus on his career and bring in money if you had not stayed at home. Plenty of families have 2 working parents - both of whom have a career and bring in money.
He also does all the cooking, dog walking etc as well as bringing in 90% of the household income.
That’s not balanced - I’d be pretty pissed off if I worked full time and still had to do all the cooking and walk the dog when I came home while my DH took the kids on days out and god forbid- booked a holiday that I paid for!

We decided together. It wasn’t an accident we were actively trying.
Not every trip does but my point is he can’t cope with very standard whingey small child behaviour.

Honestly…I’m learning to be a bit more like your husband.

Taking small kids to soft play is shit. God it’s so overstimulating and yet also boring. Yes I take mine during the week as I’m the PT worker and H is the FT worker like yourselves…but at the weekend I take my foot off the pedal because we’ve already been to bloody soft play on Tuesday and then a Farm Park on Thursday etc.

Previously I’ve said to my husband, Oh God don’t you just feel awful that DC haven’t eaten any vegetables today/ didn’t go anywhere today/ don’t have matching Christmas PJs or whatever BS and he always says, “No we love him and we’re great parents. Why would I feel bad?”. And he’s right!!

Dads are not constantly internalising their self worth based on the constant entertainment and enrichment of their children. They admit when parts of parenting are boring or a ball ache and don’t feel bad about it.

It’s not all about money, it’s about effort, interest and ability to care for his own child.

That’s a good way of looking at it. Maybe I need to be a bit more you/your dh/my dh.
It’s not that I expect constant days out and #memories I really don’t. I just feel very stressed at this time of year, like once again I’m doing everything for everyone. I know Dh works but as someone who also works part time I actually find my days in the office less stressful.

He sounds a little like 1960s dad. Loves the children but not day to day involved in the mitt-gritti as he’s at work in the week and gardening, diy etc at the weekend. The sort of dad who wouldn’t know the name of his kid’s teacher if his life depended on it.
I’m not dissing 1960s dad, they were the norm but society has moved on.

Having to do stuff with kids all the time is a new thing. Kids are happy to be at home or in the garden as long as they are cared for and their needs are met they do not need to be out on day trips or have special activities planned every weekend . Yes obviously you do this as a family from time to time but the constant pressure to plan weekend activities is completely unrealistic for most families.