Sick of dh, exhausted and pissed off

[dezzyd]

Just a rant really.
Dh is turning into a real grumpy old man. He cooks, maintains the garden and looks after our dog as well as working full time. I work part time but do everything else - washing, cleaning, shopping, all kids appointments, all life admin.
He pays for 90% of all household costs. I mention this and the jobs he does do to show that he does contribute but emotionally and practically he’s just a bit shit.
It’s become clear to me that he resents family life. I don’t doubt he loves our dc but he can’t cope or be arsed with any of the day to day challenges of parenting - tantrums, illness, difficult behaviour, actually doing things with them for their benefit.
He basically thinks days out are a waste of money because the kids inevitably play up at some point. I am beginning to get really depressed by him.
Christmas is a great example - he will fork out for the big ticket gifts but I am left to sort all the smaller bits, all the cards for his family, all the wrapping, preparation and so on.
I try to do things with out youngest on my days off whether it be library, soft play, play dates, activities. On the rare occasions he’s left with them he’ll just stick the telly or an iPad on.
He is becoming grumpy and difficult to be around.
Leaving isn’t an option. I am fucked financially and wouldn’t want to be without my dc even for the weekends.
He is a big drinker and I have fallen into bad habits by drinking too on an evening with him mainly out of boredom and stress.
In the new year I really want to try and get on top of things. I want to do more with the dc with or without him. I’m planning a trip to see my friend and will make a weekend out of it leaving him at home.
Im thinking of joining a gym and going on an evening when dc are in bed so I can get out of the house and hopefully make new healthier habits.
He can and has been a decent husband who does provide but I’m finding his whole attitude unbearable at the moment. Any advice welcomed.

He’s not paying for a child that isn’t his - read the OP. The child’s father is involved.

Dear god I hope you don’t have daughters! You sound very much the ‘pick me’ type or perhaps your father was very absent in your childhood so it’s normal for you?

No, no. I mean a holiday for him. Just him. For him to get away from it all.

Hahahaha have you been at the Christmas alcohol supply all day? Don’t be ridiculous.

I think we found OPs partner 🤣 👆

I'm pregnant, and I hate alcohol. So, no.

Ah that explains the obnoxious hateful attitude then 🤣

He isn’t paying for a child who isn’t is. Please improve your reading comprehension before you start making jibes like that. I see you are pregnant, let’s hope your Dh turns out to be the father you want him to be.

P.s I’d be quite delighted if he took himself on a holiday, he might come back in a better mood. Shame I can’t have a solo holiday too…

Will this be your first born, by any chance?

But in fairness DH is supporting your other child because he pays 90% - DC is living there at least 50:50 so he’s paying the mortgage or rent, gas, electric, internet, the extra food costs and not only that but he’s cooking the food. I’m assuming he doesn’t just cook yours and younger DC…..

I agree with @vanillalattes that you need to sit down and have a non-confrontational conversation about how you can both improve your family life. You both sound fed up but things can be get better. 💐

Get away from doing nothing except working from home? The poor, fragile man 😆

There's nothing stopping him from booking all the holidays he fancies. Just his own laziness.

He's not doing nothing, though, is he? He's working. Maybe he should reduce his hours.

Yes, reduce his hours so he can be around his kid who he doesn't want. Doesn't seem like he'd enjoy that, but ok.

Like thousands of families around the country, I have no other family around to help but even if I did, I wouldn’t be expecting them to give me a break, much less so if I was working part time.

In terms of constructive advice, woman, you both sound exhausted and the children seem to be a handful. Neither of you are going to be good parents when so tired especially if the children are playing up all the time, you are only going to get more resentful until you split.

So, to start ensure:

• you are getting enough sleep, as you will be in a better position to deal with the children without loosing the plot or letting them run the house.
• if you haven’t done already, establish a good bed routine for the children. All of them in their beds/or quiet at a reasonable time ALL THE TIME. This is your time to decompress and reconnect as a couple, remember… your partner is more important than the kids BECAUSE they need their dad near them and revising for them to be ok (If you split, he will be required by law to pay a maximum of 20% of his salary (less if he has the children with him some nights) so forget about the privilege of working part time, you will have to work full time and still run and pay for the house, take care of the children and pay for the nursery/after school clubs YOURSELF.
• Once you sort the bed time routine, start looking for a job, a proper one not something you can do only when the children are at school (jobs you can do only at school hours are rare and more like hobbies that give you a meagre income not enough and unrealistic to support a family on your own). You need that job for these reasons: 1) Money brings options 2)To have a break from home 3)To have freedom ranging from freedom to buy your own knickers without having to ask for the money to the freedom of walking out and start afresh, which brings a balance of power and consideration to the relationship.

So what do you suggest, sending the first child away to bring some balance? I bet he knew the Op had a child and accepted them both as part of a package, so no it is not as if he can change that, is it?

Or what should the op do? walk out with her first child and leave him to care on his own for his children?

No that’s not how it works because we are a family so yes he pays the mortgage (for the house we all live in) and cooks meals (which we all eat). Do you suggest that we leave my older child to cook for himself or charge him rent at the age of 14? Bizarre. We do use some of his maintenance money to subsidise household costs but not all of it obviously.

And like I said, he is not resentful about this at all. That isn’t the problem. He gets on really well with my eldest. It’s the younger one who requires more actual parenting that he struggles with.

Anyway despite my moaning we have actually had a very nice Christmas. Dh has pulled his weight. I came here for a vent that’s all. Dh isn’t perfect and definitely needs to do more with his own child but I know that he does his fair share in other ways and for that I am lucky.

I’m not suggesting anything but you seem hell bent on making out DH does nothing to support your other child when he in fact does financially and practically.

To be honest the one who sounds more selfish and unpleasant on this thread is you OP:

Leaving isn’t an option. I am fucked financially

So you’re only staying with DH because you can’t afford to pay for yourself and previous child…..Even with the “generous” child support from the first Father. Seems to be a strong money focus going on here.

Ok @PixieTales- read into it how you will. Despite me saying numerous times that dh does support us, right down to my first post where I acknowledged what he does pretty much straight away. The issue I’ve repeatedly said here is that he doesn’t parent his own younger child well and leaves all of the donkey work/mental load to me.

You are the one who seems ‘hell bent’ on misinterpreting what I’m saying. I’m not unpleasant and I’m not money focused. I’m just exhausted.

Sorry I think u should give him a breaK he's probably knackered yes he needs to be involved with his children and sounds like he's trying working play centres are madhouse maybe go to park have picknick so it's a bit more chilling now again fit the rushing around stuff in between

No family Help ? A lot of people have to get on with it you're the kids' parents that's what you're meant to do... he sounds like he's fed up of the drudge

It's a bit shit, not everyone enjoys this stage of parenting and he probably isn't going to change.

Was he fully on board with having kids? Didn't you get any clues from how he was with your eldest before you had kids with him?

Thank you.
What is all this communication from posters commenting about husband having to pay for a child that isn't his?
Doesn't matter if the child is 'his' or not, they are all part of the family.
I really feel for you OP
I understand your frustration and being with someone who is grumpy and negative is very wearing.
Take care OP