Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

[xAwaywiththefairiesx]

My brother lives in a different part of the country to us and I don't see him much. We've never been close but I love him and have been trying to understand him better. He's awkward but does his best socially but he often rubs people up the wrong way or comes cross as selfish and feels terribly guilty when this is pointed out to him.

Him and his partner, who I've only met a couple of times, are coming to Christmas dinner at my house, there will be 14 of us in total and I'm making a big effort. Trouble is, they both eat a hell of a lot and if theres food available, they will simply eat it. I actually don't know if I can do enough to fully satisfy them to the point they'll stop, and have enough for everyone else. My oven simply isn't big enough.

Examples, at Christmas dinner at my mum's one year when DB was still single, he took my mum's serving plate and ped it with eight Yorkshires and 9 pigs in blankets, plus huge helpings of all the veg and meat. When it was pointed out in a friendly way that he had a lot there he acted as though people were just picking on him for eating too much and didn't get the point that several people were going without because he'd taken it all.

Another time he was at my house for dinner and I gave him a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs and he ate the lot plus an entire garlic bread baguette to himself, that I'd put on the table for everyone and then when my husband didn't finish his plate, he actually took my husband's plate and ate the leftovers from his plate. Then I made a sponge pudding and he ate half of it when it usually feeds the four of us with some left over, plus half a carton of custard.

At my sister's wedding, him and his partner got to the wedding buffet first and I am not exaggerating - they piled their plates with so much of the cheese, that there was hardly any left for others and the buffet was meant to feed 200 people, and they also had huge portions of everything else, then went back for second and thirds. My sister was horrified.

WWYD?

Suck it up and try and make sure there is enough?
Tell him exactly how much he can have?
Serve everyone their plates? (I don't like to do this, I like to do my roasts buffet style so people can choose what they would like)
Or something else?

Please don't roast me to hard, I do want my brother to feel welcome, I'm just worried I can't afford to feed him or will have enough space.

No, talk to him. He's not a child.

I think you’ll have to just serve the food plated

he clearly is not really “mortified” otherwise he’d stop doing it

Eating disorders dont work like that. Would you expect and alcoholic or drug addict to just stop doing it after they feel shame from yet another binge? Of course not because you understand that these addictions are complex and need professional help for recovery. Its the same with eating disorders, they are addictions too.

In the depths of my anorexia I knew that I needed to eat, my sensible brain told me that. But my ED brain had the power. My relative with bulimia knew that she shouldnt eat until she couldnt hold it in any more and then force herself to throw up. But her ED had the power.

We both felt shame and my relative particularly was mortified when she realised that we could hear her throwing up. Didnt stop her doing it as the need to satisfy the disorder was greater than the shame.

So yes, he could well be mortified after a binge, but be unable to stop the binge in the moment when the the food is sitting there before him.

I would cook up a load of roast potatoes the day before and keep in fridge, then microwave them for 3 mins and serve a load of them to your brother and his partner. Cook huge saucepans of cabbage, carrots and swede that are in fact 5p at the moment in Aldi, Lidl and Morrisons. Carve the turkey up in the kitchen and plate up, add the pigs in blankets on to the plate then hand out plates for people to add potatoes, sausages meat stuffing, Yorkshire puddings using the cheap ones someone mentioned above. Make loads of gravy. I used a pressure cooker which is huge when I have 12 to cook for.

As people are saying, they need plenty of sides to fill them up.

How about a lentil and veg soup to start??

And definitely serve their portions up, they are not allowed to serve themselves.

But they are allowed seconds, obviously

It's a shame they are not body builders

This!

And if any fuss I wouldn't invite them. Sorry.

I agree….it’s an abomination with that meal, though I adore it in its proper place! (Anti-Yorkshires too, for the same reason.)
God only knows why it matters to me, as it’s a pretty indefensible position to maintain 🤣

I would plate up. Do a load of extra potatoes and Yorkshire puddings, perhaps some sausages too. Also get some baguettes and they can have bread and butter in front of them. I was once at a buffet where a teenage boy and his two friends ate nearly all the food meant for about 30. The selfishness was appalling. However it sounds like your brother has an eating disorder in the picture. That said, I would see how Christmas dinner goes and depending, talk to him at a later date about considering others. It’s just so rude to leave others without whilst you gorge.

Can you say to him beforehand “Steve, I know you and Mike have big appetites but I’m cooking for 14 and only have limited oven space. I’ve budgeted 2 Yorkshire puddings/ 4 spuds/ etc per person and am conscious that you’re going to be hungry. What can I get in or make in advance as an extra for you? P.s. would you mind bringing your favourite cheese?”
And then I would absolutely dish plates up. Your other guests will understand. Get loads of snacks in too.
I think most in your shoes would have had a show down before now tbh, or avoided hosting them!

Christ….

Brilliant idea. It sounds like your bro may have disordered eating, too, but you are being so thoughtful and it will be a stress if you're worrying about there being not enough to go around.

I think this is a great idea - plus loads of extra (cheapy) nibbles. you can say that food is being dished up as there are so many of you, you don't want it to get cold. Once it's gone, it's gone but the extra tatties etc are a fab idea. It sounds really difficult - best of luck to you whatever you decide.

And whatever he does do, he'll look bad - not you. Remember you're not responsible for others' behaviour or feelings, cooking for 14 is hard enough!

I just wonder if he's really that hungry or only eyes eating and that half of it is going to the bin? But I guess not, as OP said they went back 2 times on her sister's wedding. I can eat yes, but one plate it's more than enough for me.

Plate up but serve them last. Tell everyone to start before they get their plates to give everyone a head start.

This

How festive....

Is that what you're having on Xmas Day?

Yes that but we'll have 3 salads and some seafood too. In Australia it's hot weather at Xmas and we are pretty healthy active people and fresh produce and summer fruits are hugely popular at summer celebration meals.

Hmmmmm i had similar with an ex partner, he was sooooo greedy (hence an ex). In the end i had to say 'ive allowed for 4 pigs in blankets per person' for example but even then if someone said 'oh i only want 2 he woukd say 'i'll have yours then' without seeing if anyone else wanted extras. He once famously waited until everyone else had served their xmas dinner and then literally piled EVERYTHING that was left ontonhis plate as firsts so no one could have any more. Everyone called him out for it but he thought it was funny and declared 'its every man for himself'. It was rude and embarrassing - we are not tigether anymore and people still talk about it.

The other option is to serve the things they are greedy with onto plates first or just have a quiet word beforehand. Some people just have no manners, sadly.

That's exactly why I said OP should leave the brother and his partner to be served second to last. Because they will take everything that's left and no one else can have seconds. Glad you kicked him to the kerb!

There's having no ability to control appetite for medical reasons. And there's being greedy, disrespectful and rude without consideration for others.

The people who do stuff like the above posts do not have a medical condition. They are just selfish arseholes.

The OP sounds like she has a couple of those and therefore should be explicit that she expects the offenders to behave until everyone else has had what they want THEN they have free reign.

I would not invite such shamelessly greedy people to my home.

Wonder how they are in restaurants. Do they pay for double meals? Would be infesting if they could curtail their appetites when it is they who are paying.

Interesting. Not infesting.

I’m mostly shocked two people managed to eat enough cheese to fill almost 200 people to be honest, and didn’t have a heart attack on the spot.

I’d plate food up for everyone so they all get a fair share and if they’re still hungry, they can have some of the leftovers.

Set up a table in a spare room. Treat it like the toddler table. Serve them there separately with as much food as you can spare. Lock them in. Let them out when the other guests have eaten. 😄