Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

[xAwaywiththefairiesx]

My brother lives in a different part of the country to us and I don't see him much. We've never been close but I love him and have been trying to understand him better. He's awkward but does his best socially but he often rubs people up the wrong way or comes cross as selfish and feels terribly guilty when this is pointed out to him.

Him and his partner, who I've only met a couple of times, are coming to Christmas dinner at my house, there will be 14 of us in total and I'm making a big effort. Trouble is, they both eat a hell of a lot and if theres food available, they will simply eat it. I actually don't know if I can do enough to fully satisfy them to the point they'll stop, and have enough for everyone else. My oven simply isn't big enough.

Examples, at Christmas dinner at my mum's one year when DB was still single, he took my mum's serving plate and ped it with eight Yorkshires and 9 pigs in blankets, plus huge helpings of all the veg and meat. When it was pointed out in a friendly way that he had a lot there he acted as though people were just picking on him for eating too much and didn't get the point that several people were going without because he'd taken it all.

Another time he was at my house for dinner and I gave him a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs and he ate the lot plus an entire garlic bread baguette to himself, that I'd put on the table for everyone and then when my husband didn't finish his plate, he actually took my husband's plate and ate the leftovers from his plate. Then I made a sponge pudding and he ate half of it when it usually feeds the four of us with some left over, plus half a carton of custard.

At my sister's wedding, him and his partner got to the wedding buffet first and I am not exaggerating - they piled their plates with so much of the cheese, that there was hardly any left for others and the buffet was meant to feed 200 people, and they also had huge portions of everything else, then went back for second and thirds. My sister was horrified.

WWYD?

Suck it up and try and make sure there is enough?
Tell him exactly how much he can have?
Serve everyone their plates? (I don't like to do this, I like to do my roasts buffet style so people can choose what they would like)
Or something else?

Please don't roast me to hard, I do want my brother to feel welcome, I'm just worried I can't afford to feed him or will have enough space.

Yet another thread not intended to fat shame, but brings out all the nasty bullies going too far with the vicious comments, veiled as ‘advice’ 🙄 There’s absolutely no need whatsoever to call another person a ‘pig’ ffs

My child lost her dad at a very young age but that hasn’t caused her to overeat every day. What a bizarre excuse

No. OP did say there was lots of other food, but they gorged on the cheese, eating whole pieces of cheese each, that were intended to be cut.

Amen!

People saying that these replies 'aren't helping' etc - well what does help? Because the alternatives are cowardly - they're either 'don't invite him' / leave him out with telling him why, or just "cook a mountain of extra food and pretend there's no problem." There is a problem. You need to acknowledge it so that he doesn't spoil Christmas Day for the other guests. That he has gotten to his 30s and is still so oblivious - and doubtless embarrassing himself everywhere he goes - does no-one any favours. A bit of honesty, a long time ago, would have spared him all that.

Cauliflower cheese?!?! On Christmas dinner?! Since when?

For 200 people, how much cheese would you put out for 200? It’s not going to be a block of cathedral city is it

Simply plate up and serve-this kind of greediness can't be discouraged, you just have to work around it. Don't leave any food out.
It's awful to have to think like that, but your brother's behaviour is awful as well.
People who treat your table as an all you can eat buffet and don't care others are not getting any need to be stopped in their tracks-make sure they get no more leftovers than anyone else either-appalling manners.

Since forever in my house. Yorkshire puddings, on the other hand, are not allowed on a Christmas dinner.

There's no better word to describe someone who eats slices of Brie as though they were cake.

This is what bread is for. Get loads of baguettes (maybe even the frozen-to-oven kind), two packs of butter, and dump it in front of him along with a normal-sized meal!

Serve up on plates, and have bread baskets on the table within reach.

I'm not explaining any more. Read the thread. It's all quite clear.

Plate sizes won't fool their stomachs.
They'll eat until they feel full just like most of us do, except they're big so it takes a lot to fill them up.

I don't think it's worth causing conflict over as OP rarely sees this brother and she has called out neglect in his childhood.

I would just buy more in and also ask him to bring dessert or some cheeses which he likes so he can eat these with his boyfriend, otherwise he'll be hungry which isn't nice on Xmas Day.

Btw, they're not greedy, they're sick from toxic processed food like a lot of the most vulnerable people in the western world as this is the demographic with the least amount of money to follow a healthy diet (which is expensive no matter what some people say).

Below is a link to a great podcast by Dr Rangan Chatterjee with Dr Robert Lustig a retired endocrinologist who explains simply what sugar does to human bodies and how it first makes us sick and only then obese:

Its not an excuse, its a reason.

Some adults (the father in this case) dont deal with loss well. And so they pass that on to their kids who then deal with their own loss in the way they have been taught, in this case with food. For some its anger and violence. For others its emotional shut down.

That you dont see that says more about your failings than any you are trying to pin on compulsive over eaters.

As Philip Larkin said, and its a poem you may do well to consider.... They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

That suggests that she grew up in a stable, financially secure environment which enabled her to cope with the loss of her father.

My FIL didn't cope well with the death of his wife at 33 leaving 3 small children behind - can you understand how difficult that might be, especially for the children? It may be sexist of me, but I think losing a mother is harder for small children as this is usually the person who is their primary carer and most men, but particularly of previous generations (I'm in my sixties) would not have had much experience taking care of children on their own.

In addition, he suffered from PTSD from his prior experience of being conscripted into the army at 18 and sent abroad to fight for his country, seeing his friends of a similar age being killed all around him and having to kill other men to stay alive.
Did you have a similar life changing experience?

Plate up for everyone. This is what we do at Christmas for 20. It stops this nonesense

I assume you've talked to him about this and pointed out that normal people just don't behave like this? They must be aware, surely, that their portions are at least four times what other people have? Also how bloody unhealthy their diets are? What do they say if or when this is pointed out to them?

Aren't they finding that no-one will invite them out after they behave like this? How do they feel about losing all their friends, and about being so large?

Wwyd.

Serve him last.

He can go hungry if need be. This isn't your problem. It will do him good.

Tell him to sort his life out if he's ungrateful.

I understand the comments about this being an eating disorder and I agree. Fat shaming isn't helpful and I made some shaming comments myself. The behaviour is so antisocial and utterly inconsiderate of others. The greed is palpable. It's obvious OP is incredibly loving towards her brother and is just seeking to make the best of the situation. I hope you find a way to make it work @xAwaywiththefairiesx . Kind but firm comments are really okay, if you need to challenge behaviours.

Troll

Just serve salads and cold ham or something. Forget all the calories for a day it sounds like everyone could benefit from some healthy food. That's a gift at Xmas.

Make sure everyone gets a share, then let them loose, it’s Christmas. this is basically my nephews, they never stop. But I just prepare with a ton of veg, and roasties. It is one day, just make sure people have their share of meat before they pig out.

I'd just serve the food onto each plate or bowl and not allow them to help themselves. I'd make sure they did not go into the kitchen or take anything they were not supposed to. Awful to have to be that way but it sounds like they don't care for politeness or any of the usual social standards.

They're eating until they feel full.
That's what most people do.

However, these two men are sick in the medical sense.
Their metabolic system is broken.
They may have undiagnosed diabetes (quite common in poor communities). People with diabetes often feel hungry all the time, it's called polyphagia which is caused by insulin resistance which stops their cells getting sufficient glucose and as a result, their brain keeps signalling for more food, so they keep eating.
They're not greedy, they're hungry and they're ill.

They need a GP, a nutritionist, a therapist and medication to solve their eating disorder not gratuitous insults on MN.

Your and his upbringing is very sad but he isn’t a child anymore and you are not 11.

you can have a gentle but firm conversation about table manners that includes in general (not just at your table) to eat small portions and leave food for others. Maybe he needs clear instructions like “you can only take one Yorkshire pudding”, you can take only 3 slices of meat at the first round and after everyone else etc.

he clearly is not really “mortified” otherwise he’d stop doing it