Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

[xAwaywiththefairiesx]

My brother lives in a different part of the country to us and I don't see him much. We've never been close but I love him and have been trying to understand him better. He's awkward but does his best socially but he often rubs people up the wrong way or comes cross as selfish and feels terribly guilty when this is pointed out to him.

Him and his partner, who I've only met a couple of times, are coming to Christmas dinner at my house, there will be 14 of us in total and I'm making a big effort. Trouble is, they both eat a hell of a lot and if theres food available, they will simply eat it. I actually don't know if I can do enough to fully satisfy them to the point they'll stop, and have enough for everyone else. My oven simply isn't big enough.

Examples, at Christmas dinner at my mum's one year when DB was still single, he took my mum's serving plate and ped it with eight Yorkshires and 9 pigs in blankets, plus huge helpings of all the veg and meat. When it was pointed out in a friendly way that he had a lot there he acted as though people were just picking on him for eating too much and didn't get the point that several people were going without because he'd taken it all.

Another time he was at my house for dinner and I gave him a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs and he ate the lot plus an entire garlic bread baguette to himself, that I'd put on the table for everyone and then when my husband didn't finish his plate, he actually took my husband's plate and ate the leftovers from his plate. Then I made a sponge pudding and he ate half of it when it usually feeds the four of us with some left over, plus half a carton of custard.

At my sister's wedding, him and his partner got to the wedding buffet first and I am not exaggerating - they piled their plates with so much of the cheese, that there was hardly any left for others and the buffet was meant to feed 200 people, and they also had huge portions of everything else, then went back for second and thirds. My sister was horrified.

WWYD?

Suck it up and try and make sure there is enough?
Tell him exactly how much he can have?
Serve everyone their plates? (I don't like to do this, I like to do my roasts buffet style so people can choose what they would like)
Or something else?

Please don't roast me to hard, I do want my brother to feel welcome, I'm just worried I can't afford to feed him or will have enough space.

But he's your brother, hes not a stranger or a distant relative - why can't you just tell him to wind it in? Make it a bit jokey if you need to, but just tell him!

Stuff I've not seen mentioned:

• if they're worried about there not being enough food from childhood experiences. You know your brother's but maybe not his partner's. You might say to them that it's fine for them to bring their own favourite snacks / cereals etc with them. (Imagine you don't have fridge space for them to bring more meats etc). This isn't bad hosting - it's helping them feel safer about the food supply - they have their own supplies under their control.

• when thinking about extra filling things go for higher protein and fibre things in addition to the higher carb things eg. extra carrots and parsnips that are cheap, porridge oats (flapjacks, porridge with cranberries and other Christmassy fruit etc). Eggs and cheeses are good too. These are going to be better at helping them feel full than potatoes and Yorkshire puddings. Though jacket potatoes with beans is another good idea for reasonably cheap filling food - they could go in the oven while you're eating the main course.

• alcohol can stimulate appetite so try to serve it with food rather than by itself.

We had a party for our 25th WA. The invites went out saying 12 (noon) to 9pm party and buffet. BIL and SIL arrived at 9pm wanting food and saying they thought it would be a "late" party!!! WTF. Food was still on buffet table, although not looking very appetising (it had been refreshed during the day). Puddings had run out, so I opened a catering tin of fruit salad. If you look at my previous posts you will see that they "invited themselves" to sunday lunch when, at that time, we were very short of money, i.e. one full time earner, 1 casual waitress, 2 children and very high energy costs. They were 2 full time earners (high wages) with no children and low energy needs.

My ex SiL was a version of this, living off everyone else's generosity. There's need and there's greed. It was really horrible. I'd make enough to feed 10 of us a balanced meal and she'd take more than her fair share of the best bits and leave the other things for us. I accommodated it at first by making more and more food, but she'd wait at the end and ask if she could take leftovers home. In the end I trained the kids to call her Aunty Doggy-Bag and pulled her up on it in front of the rest of the family. Disgusting behaviour.

Just hold your brother back, so everyone else gets a chance to food items, just say let everyone have some then it’s fair - after that he will clearly fill his boots. Not drama just as him to get something from upstairs or sit next to him and distract him

By the sounds of it I seriously doubt this guy gives enough of a shit about his own health to go on mounjaro

The pair od them sound like savages. Can you just flag with him in advance that he and his girlfriend will need to rein it in as their appetites will bankrupt you. Not cool.

I hate gluttony (which is what this is) and it actually puts me off my own food. I’d plate up tbh -are they the type to raid your cupboards?

I think we have 24 for 5 of us. But only four of us will eat them 😅

I'm so sorry you were in this position. It wasn't fair on any of you kids and you deserved better.

It might make sense slightly of his dysfunctional relationship with food, if he's grown up not always being able to predict what or how much he'll get to eat. A lot of children with this type of trauma over-eat pathologically when they get the chance, and maybe he's never dealt with that.

Reading your first message I thought he was neurodivergent: not being aware of social cues, perhaps treating eating as a sensory-seeking or dopamine chasing behaviour.

I absolutely can't diagnose him but I think this is far beyond someone being "vile" or gluttonous as Mumsnet says. Particularly as he feels bad when it's pointed out to him. It does sound like there's something pathological to it. That doesn't necessarily help you practically or excuse his thoughtlessness, but it's something to hold in mind if you find yourself feeling particularly frustrated. It sounds like you and your sisters have come up with a good plan, though.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas!

I'd just plate everyone's plates out and maybe down a few bowls/serving plates of leftovers.
Also just hand them a smallish plate and hide the large serving plates. There's only so much you can load them things. Or try to get them to go last.

i worked with a young girl a few years ago who had this sort of appetite and absolutely no restraint around food.
Works birthday or Xmas parties or meals out were ruined by her grabbing whatever she could from the table and blatantly eyeing up others meals. She would openly ask if we’d finished with our food before scraping it all on her plate.

We worked in a restaurant and she would take the customers plates to the kitchen, and instead of binning the leftovers, she would shove them in her mouth with her hands!

It is some sort of compulsion or eating disorder, surely, to need so much food, way beyond what everyone else eats? I felt sorry for this girl I knew, barely in her 20s, but physically way, way overweight.

Im not sure how you can deal with this OP, but I agree with so many who have said to plate food up, keep some back for others to have seconds, and put extra veg and Yorkers by them so they have “enough” without coveting everyone else’s.

Best of luck! 🎄

I agree with dishing up yourself.

The man clearly has an eating disorder, so he's not going to take hints or even stop if he does get full up. Most people are very conscious of what they take in a group self-serve scenario and under take, then go for seconds if they feel comfortable doing that. There are obviously huge issues at play here that can't be tackled in this setting.

When it was pointed out in a friendly way that he had a lot there he acted as though people were just picking on him for eating too much and didn't get the point that several people were going without because he'd taken it all.

don't do that British thing of hinting and hoping.
Use actual words. So in the above case, someone takes the plate off him, and tells him that he is eating the food that other people deserve to have

Agree with others, cook loads and loads of the veg and give him an overloaded plate of that. Make sure to serve everyone before anyone gets to have "seconds" stab his hand with a fork if he does not comply.

Definitely plate up the meals for the meat, roasted items and Yorkshire puddings etc. Then have serving dishes of boiled potatoes and vegetables, ensuring that these are at the other end of the table from your brother, so you and your other guests get what they want first. Same for the desserts.
Personally I wouldn't accept this behaviour in my house and would take him to one side over it, but from your post it seems like entrenched behaviour.

If I were you I would put the meat ,piginblankets , yorkshires and roasties on the plates . Then they just all help themselves to veg and gravy . The food will be shared out more fairly that way . My daughter is cooking for 14 this year and this is what she does . Good luck whatever you decide to do . Happy Christmas 🤶

I dish up meat, Yorkshire puddings, pigs in blankets and roast potatoes, then they can help themselves to veg and gravy. We only have one Yorkshire pudding each, 5 roast potatoes (any left goes in the middle of the table with the veg). We are not huge eaters and neither are family members. We always get leftovers for the next day.

They sound really greedy and selfish. I would be really annoyed if they piled their plates high without giving a toss about what others have left to eat.

Oh grow up, I was just picking numbers.

48 is a ridiculous amount for 6 people for one meal.

Well at least you know what to buy your greedy brother and his equally awful partner as a gift - a trough.

He sounds as if he has an eating disorder and his girlfriend is company for it. Absolutely plate up away from all guests. And if he starts trying to grab more than his share despite this, FFS say something ..you hopefully don't have to be rude: pops sorry bill, Marjorie and fred haven't had there's yet/ there's three each/ lets make sure the others have enough " if hes socially aware enough to "apologise " afterwards, then hopefully hes socially aware enough not to blatantly disregard you saying something at the time.

But I would honestly make this the last time i invited them to eat at mine. I would either host just for tea and biscuits and only just before another engagement ( so no staying on for just a half dozen frozen pizzas) or better still meet out of the house so they can pay.

I would find feeding them at mine unbearably stressful i have to admit.

It sounds like your brother is a serious comfort eater (and his boyfriend - birds of a feather etc). This is often due to childhood trauma and not about being greedy.

I would recommend getting lots of pre-dinner snacks so that they can fill up on those before dinner is served.

Sorry, boyfriend.

Maybe they are... but they're so self obsessed they're downright fucking rude.

They need to be told.

Why do people pussy foot around poor behaviour and excuse it so much?

As others have suggested plate-up filling their plates with roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, then Yorkshires, green veg, pigs in blankets and then meat.
Have bread and butter near their plates. If you are having cheese find out what the rest of the family like and buy that and plate that up also. Same for the desserts.
I did noticed a few years ago, my son-in-laws did try to see who could eat the most but that stopped reaching the age of 50, as they realized the health problems.
When you are invited to theirs, are you offered large protein servings? I bet you aren’t.

Plate up the expensive or fiddly bits (meat, stuffing, cauliflower cheese) but have all the easy and cheap bits (plain veg and yorkies) buffet style.