Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

But why did you move him in at that point and not at any point during the last 10 years?
It was asking for trouble really.

You need to be firmer with him with the interruptions and neediness otherwise it's going to be hell for you which is only going to get worse. He's not going to start working again now when he's got a good thing going living with you and getting the help he needs which means this is going to be a permanent situation.

If he refuses to accept that you are working and mustn't be disturbed this is going to lead to constant arguments which is wearing.

During this period, we lived together on and off, several times. Each time life happened and intervened - one of his parents needed care, so he had to move closer. Then I accepted a long secondment abroad that would have been unwise to decline. Later, one of his teenage children needed to live with him during a particularly fragile period (they are now doing extremely well and at university). We lived together for some time in between those episodes, and we also lived separately.

Ok, well maybe I was wrong and it isn't a cocklodger situation. (Unfortunately I know of a lot of people who have had similar and the man did turn into a cocklodger - some kind of unfortunate life event meant they needed to move in with their girlfriend and it all ended up being very convenient and they ended up never going back to work).

Still, he needs to be doing something constructive with his time and not hanging around seeking attention from you so calm discussion is needed about how to move forward from here and that you're going to be working for x number of years and that means working hours from y to z and so he'll have to find something to occupy himself during those hours because you can't be disturbed.

And if he continues to disturb you and doesn't make moves to find something constructive to do (a new job, volunteering, hobby, classes etc) you'll need to look at the situation again.

BTW I think you sound like a very considerate and kind person because you respond so well to people on the thread you don't agree with rather than turning snippy and nasty which seems to happen on most threads these days.

Infuriating. He sounds immature. In fact, my daughter comes home from school and interrupts me and shows me videos...but she's 15 😬

Throw him away for getting injured and needing some support? No.

But for completely disrespecting you and making it impossible for you to properly do your work? The work you need to do in order to support him? Yes absolutely.

For deliberately making it so that you now feel you need to change how you work and leave your home so he can have it to himself? Absolutely.

He is manipulating you out of your home in the day time so he can have it to himself. That's not an accident.

You don't need to end it now but you should absolutely be making it clear to him that if he continues to make it impossible for you to work comfortably, he'll have to move out. Tell him he is on his final warning and it's non-negotiable. He doesn't need to understand how your mind or your work practice works. But he does have to show respect for you, your work and your home and stop interrupting you. Otherwise, he isn't compatible with your needs in your home.

I think you need to find your anger more, not less.

It's outrageous that you are considering a different job because that would be easier than getting him to listen to you.

I think you're got too much into the mindset of feeling like you need him to understand your job. He doesn't need to understand it, he needs to understand that his partner has told him something disturbs and upsets her. He doesn't need to understand exactly why to stop doing it. He just needs to stop it.

Ask him if he would expect to pop into the office at work several times a day and also if he had to down tools to look at tiktoks would that make his day easier. He does understand working he is being a demanding baby

I agree with you. The OP sounds so reasonable and like she has said ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION that the deep work she is doing can't be disturbed. I WFH 3 days a week and sometimes I listen to podcasts wh when I work- my daughter comes in from school cos she thinks that means I'm not working, but even she gets that I am still working if I tell her, and I will give her my attention at 5pm. I don't really understand why he doesn't understand, unless it's deliberate? It's almost like weaponised incompetence.

Oh, he has children! So……what’s become of his previous home, in terms of their access to a base with him? (I’d taken him to be a bachelor for some reason)
Will his uni student children be expecting to stay with him at your place during part of the hols? What will happen re Christmas dinner, for example. Will they come to you two, or will DP even go elsewhere, perhaps? (and here, you've every right to tell me to MMOB)

Oof….rather you than me, that’s for sure. After having your house as your castle for so long, you have invited in the possibility of other people’s chaos!
I realise many see this as the great warp and weft of life’s rich tapestry and all that, but my nerves wouldn’t cope.

Anyway, I’m not adding much, I know.
Just wanted to second that emotion, where a previous post praised (‘scuse alliteration) your serene and peaceable demeanour throughout your thread, despite a fusillade of brickbats and worse. (Nosiness, for example!)

If you are just WFH and not in the office working, taking a few seconds out of you apparent zen like state isn't beneath you.

@JifNtGif , did you read the OP?

what are you on about? Care to elaborate because you are not making any sense.

Two things are clear to me. One he doesn't understand that working from home in your job is different to many other people who work from home, I know many who do and they pop to the shops, have a coffee, do the school run when they like. I expect he has seen loads of people like that and he just can't compute your job isn't that flexible.
Secondly, like a lot of men on the tools, he's not used to sitting around doing little and he is bored, hence the need to interact with you.

You need to sit him down over Christmas, explain and show him what you do and why you can't just take a break when you want.
You also need to encourage him to start to get out and about himself to prepare for for getting back to work.

Is it really that hard to understand? Or he just doesn’t want to … or he’s a bit thick?!?

Yes people can be that stupid. I've been subject to many comments like 'its not proper work is it?' from some family members, mainly men. Glad I'm retired, the ignorance and levels of self importance coming from them was palpable.

I work from home and my job also requires a lot of attention, when I am not on the 5-7 calls I seem to have per day. If my partner is at home, even him sitting next to me is a distraction. His job is very different to mine. I think it can be hard for more 'traditional' jobs to appreciate that working from home/analytical based work is 'work'. My MIL definitely doesn't understand.
Honestly, I'd show him what I am working on and how you do it. And encourage him to get back to work!

A lot of more "senior" roles are a bit like this. You're paid for what you know, which means you spend a lot of time thinking through how best to deal with something.

I have to write a lot of papers. Which in and of itself takes a couple of hours once I set off. But getting to that point means a lot of research, reading, a lot of analysis and a LOT of thinking about what all that means and how best to word / present it.

Sometimes my husband comes home from work and finds me sitting looking at the screen (or wandering about finding things to keep my hands busy while I think) and laughs that I'm "working" but really getting paid for folding the laundry. In reality, I'm still mentally at work, I just concentrate better when I'm doing something "mundane" sometimes.

It's really hard to explain unless you have a similar role.

Actually he really doesn’t need to understand what you’re doing day to day.

He just needs to LISTEN to what you’re saying and RESPECT your wishes.

Knowing what I do about TBI there’s not a chance in hell I’d move my partner in after hospital. Your partner may never return to work and not have capacity to get that you need to be undisturbed while you work……it’s already driving you nuts now.

“partner recently moved in…”

and he would be out pretty soon. It is kind of disgusting to me that he interferes with and undermines your work but I am sure you pay your way for your own home that he enjoys. This would be over for me.

I agree with others that your partnets attitude is odd and disrepectful. In covid i lived with my parents who had previously done 'in person' work (heathcare/education), but they had no issues getting the concept of WFH. He clearly doesn't respect you!

I prefer to WFH and I have the kind of job that allows it. Most of my calls are international so I can do them from anywhere, so long as there is privacy.

I don’t have a partner trying to get my attention, but I’ve become the postman’s and Amazon’s default person for the entire building. There is Constant ringing of my intercom when I’m on calls or working. It drives me mad. like you say, interruptions ruin flow of work and it’s unacceptable when on calls.

Recently we have been told there are a number of mandatory days in the office and I’m actually enjoying that my workday is ring-fenced. No one knows or expects I’ll be around all the time now so I’m not pestered all day when I am at home. Maybe you could go into the office occasionally if that’s an option so you can get a break from your partner?

I agree with others though. He sounds extremely controlling, my 10 year old is more respectful than that about my work obligations.

Is he 12?

No, your brain is not broken. It is very hard for people who are not employed in screen based work to understand how intense it can be and, the actual thought processes that need to go into it. They do not get how many balls need to fly in the air (basic description) and thought through to even get to a reasonable end that will, in any case, need adjusting before a final result. You need to come to the agreement that when working you are working - that means no interruptions even if he is in the house. You need to stay in your office - get a tea/coffee maker if need be and only appear at lunch time. If he can't accept that then you really do have a problem. Not just with this but going forward as well. What you haven't said is his age though technically this should not really come into it. There shouldn't be really any difference in what you do, his trade is manual and requires thought no doubt. Ask him how he would feel in the middle of a job to be interrupted - I've seen many a trades person put off their work by interruptions and less than pleased. They too have their own ways of going through work that needs to be done. As an absolute last resort, is there anything you can show him on screen that would give him any idea as to the level of thought that needs to go into what you do. With any luck he'll be out of the house soon working happily away so it won't be an issue.

Something tells me that the whole point of this thread just isn't getting through to some people.

Sigh.....

If you are just WFH is the equivalent of when people used to say "she's just a housewife"