Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

I think some men (people) are just a bit more needy in terms of having
a connection during the day and it’s really annoying being distracted
from your work to satisfy the other person.
Not quite the same, but my partner feels the need to impart something
“very interesting” when Im in the
middle of a job or getting ready to go out and I find it extremely annoying and distracting. No matter how many times I have explained that I need to concentrate on the task in hand he continues to do it and I get very irritated by it. it’s just so unnecessary and largely inappropriate, eg today as I was getting ready to catch a train and gathering my stuff and thoughts, asked which medication I was taking because he had just read something on fb about side effects!!! But couldn’t remember which medication. Pointless!

OK so setting aside that he is being a pain in the bum and you're trying to cut him some slack for recovery... One thing that occurred to me is that you're using a laptop, which is the sort of thing people do in cafes. I work from home and my setup looks like Cape Canaveral! 🤣 Could you treat yourself to a proper widescreen monitor etc for the new year? It makes work so much easier and he might be less inclined to think you're just casually checking a few things.

If he can’t understand that, then I’d say you’re not on the same level intellect wise…. You can’t be that stupid to not realise people actually read from screens nowadays..?

Mm, yes, answer it straight away or have her ring the landline, then my DP then whatsapp call me, messenger call me and then message me via whatsapp or messenger...

Because me not answering a call = MUST BE DEAD, not 'must be busy'. The concept of someone NOT answering if they still possess arms and are not actually on fire, is alien to her.

Sometimes I just answer 'busy' and hang up on her, depends on my mood and how much I want to piss her off.

Sounds like you have much bigger issues with boundaries with your sister then and need to be firmer. Maybe don’t answer and just text “sorry can’t talk I’m busy working” - then she will know you’re not dead. If she’s annoyed then let her be annoyed - she’s unreasonable. Do it consistently and she’ll eventually get the message.
Seriously, you need to assert yourself better.

It won't help your situation, but what qualifications do you need to do your job and how would someone get started in this line of work?

He’s clearly not very bright if he can’t understand this when you explain it to him. Do you really want him in your life?

Weaponised incompetence is a skill which many men have in spades. It doesnt matter how many times you tell them. They will still go on getting it wrong. And if you dare to point it out they will sulk for days/give you the silent treatment.

So he’s moved into your house and then given up his job to slob around your house all day and who’s paying for that? You? You have a cocklodger!! Get him out now is my advice before he decides he owns the place!!

Mines a teacher and so therefore cannot work from home - only had a taste of it during Covid. Whereas my job is fully remote except for a few meetings. I also have a coworking space I work from if I need that social interaction.

My OH would tell me at the beginning of our relationship that he doesn’t understand what I do. But since he has come on a few work dos, seen me work to a deadline. And I don’t know if he gets what I do, but I pay the bills and have an income and I I put effort into my work, and that has been enough.

Some people don’t get it. There isn’t much you can do, except for showing them somehow.

Be careful with this one. He doesn't see your work as important. That is a red flag to me.

He literally thinks some shit he's watching on YouTube is more important than your work.

There is no way that he doesn't understand that office work is work, but that's what he is telling you.

The irony is that he's trying to minimize your work while he's not working.

Watch this one very closely. I think you might have caught yourself an abusive cocklodger. He's only just moved in and is already trying to disrupt your career. His true colours are starting to show up. Stand up against this and be firm. Don't let him get away with this shit attitude.

I’ve read quite a few of the posts with interest.

Im very feminist and I’d be the first to say that constant interruptions would often be a sign of not respecting your work but I’m not sure that’s what’s going on here.

I think over Christmas holidays you need a difficult conversation about the possibly recovery might be delayed and therefore he needs something short term which helps to keep him in work mode, gets him out of the house, gives him a sense of purpose and builds some new connections. I’d avoid speaking about this being long term and instead speak about the next 3 months with the possibility to extend if he was still off work in 6.

Things which could work well could be voluntary work that fits his needs - food banks are always crying out for people in January. Or joining a gym and going every morning to do his physio there. Or a men’s shed, or walking football, or a job on the counter in Tesco etc.

I think if he gets some structure to his week the interruptions will reduce and he’ll feel a bit more able to think about the future.

I also think cocklodger. The timing is too convenient. They have been together 10 years and not lived together but now he's had a work injury and can't work and suddenly he's moved in and now he's being disruptive.
Obviously you can't expect him to work if he's still recovering but he should be starting to consider his options and look for something else as it's becoming clear HGV driving might not be possible.
He's nearing retirement and I think he's found a handy solution for the bext few years until he can get his pension. Op can work and pay for most of their needs and look after him into the bargain.

But OP has already answered posts like this and said she doesn't mind!

Oh I do have a normal set up, two monitors + the laptop screen which is for emails and teams. That's the thing, from my perspective it doesn't read like I am doing nothing.

They don’t need to understand what you do. They just need to respect the fact that you’ve told them you’re working and have asked not to be disturbed.

I tried to deal with mine by holding up two printed books and my royalty statement and saying 'THIS! This is what I do!!' But because it was 'just writing', apparently I could pick it up and put it down whenever he wanted my time.

And because I had two of them (one after the other, I'm not running some kind of male harem) do the exact same thing. it reassured me that it's them. They just couldn't get their head around not being able to SEE me doing something. Some men just don't seem to think that 'brain work' is real work. If you were welding, it would be different.

I'm not sure I actually explained what I do. There aren't any formal qualification requirements as such. I happen to have a doctorate and did some postdoc work in a STEM field (though in a different area), but one of the project leads I worked with before hadn't even finished high school and was still among the top experts in the world at what he did - completely self taught. There isn't really a formal entry route either, or at least there wasn't when I started. I might just be out of the loop now since I work at a very small shop (sorry, "boutique") and we almost never recruit. I more or less fell into it when a former coursemate suggested I give it a go and introduced me to his boss.

Yes, thank you for the post. Reading through page after page of this thread, this also become clear to me. You're absolutely right that it probably needs to be framed as a TEMPORARY way to relieve boredom... if it feels too final, it may just be overwhelming to accept.
There was another really wise point someone made upthread that I've since lost track of (and didn't thank them for). That he likely feels a lot of guilt about "doing nothing," and the constant pestering is his way of reassuring himself and showing to me that he IS doing something after all like: following the news, hanging fairy lights, thinking about what to make for dinner, and so on.

Come on. You don't throw away a long-term partner just because, for a while, they're a bit of a financial inconvenience and need some help (mental much more than financial in this case). You wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that.

I agree with this, and tbh I’m impressed at how you’ve risen above the numerous comments to this effect. I’ve found the thread a problematic read, particularly the stuff about how ‘thick’ he must be and how incompatible the two of you allegedly are…

I wonder if he is a bit depressed. There is a strong correlation between lots of changes at the same time e.g. a major accident / illness, linked with other changes such as unemployment. Even things which may be positive, such as moving in with you, are still changes. If it looks like it is going to lead to the end of his paid working life, that is a major change too and likely to lead to a thoughts of is that it then? You don’t just retire from something but to something and I guess trying to think of the future in a more positive way will be a challenge, but hopefully he / you as a couple will get there.

Have you looked at the Headway website given he has suffered a head injury.

Can't you just shut the door and ignore him?

You don’t need to explain it to him. He needs to get a job and be out of the house, and respect your space.

The only thing he needs to understand is from which hours you aren’t to be disturbed. He is in YOUR home and he isn’t your husband. You set the rules in your own home.

If he can’t get his head around it he needs to go.

Is he your partner or your son? Lots of people saying, explain carefully what you do, how you work, what you need etc. Don't use a laptop, have a proper set up. Have a conversation about what time you break for lunch and you can talk then but not while you are working. NO - just do the job that you are being paid to do and don't respond to interruptions. Don't make allowances for his boredom, don't find him other tasks to occupy him. He's a grown man not a kid. Close your home office door and don't allow him to interrupt you when you are working. If you were a surgeon would he show up in theatre to show you a tik tok? If you were a teacher would he pop into the classroom to ask you something? If you were a firefighter would he switch the hose off to have a conversation? Dude doesn't respect you or your job, stop him from stealing your work time.

If he's had a brain injury, it's quite likely that there is some cognitive impairment, even if it isn't glaringly obvious at this stage.

Can he get himself to things like Men's Shed, or Andy's Man Club if there's one near you? It might help him find purpose in a life that's been turned upside down as a result of his accident. It would also get him out of your hair during the day.