Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

If your partner asks you not to do something and you continue to do that thing, you’re thick, malicious or you don’t care what they want/need. It’s one of those three things.

‘Please do not do X, it makes me Y and/or I do not like it,’ is very straightforward. A five year old would get it. He doesn’t need to understand the intricacies of what you do for a living to grasp that concept. You’re perfectly aware of this, but are choosing not to engage with it because the very idea of asserting yourself appears somewhat alien to you.

...and everyone else on the thread who had exactly the same issue in their relationship is also in my class.

It does seem to have jumped the shark a bit.

There are many many children who have successfully learned when it is or is not ok to disturb a parent working from home. Surely he can manage??

From necessity, I work at our kitchen table and my family know it is fine to wander in if they want, but if I’m on a call, they don’t linger. Occasionally I am doing the sort of work that OP describes where a loss of concentration can be very detrimental. In these situations, I (somewhat rudely but it works) just put a hand up (in the style of stopping traffic, not like in class…) and they know to back away slowly and silently 😂

If children can adapt to this, I can only assume - as many other pp have - that he is thick or doesn’t care. You’re not even giving mixed messages. It is never convenient for you to be disturbed. It really is very simple.

Drives me nuts, DP does it sometimes, sister rings me endlessly and its all 'oh i forgot you were at work... oh well witters until the end of time'

If I am writing or doing some sort of illustration/art, i need to be in teh zone and left alone in it or it takes me ages to get back into the flow.

If I am at Other Job (same desk, different role) then again, I might sit here ten minutes doing nowt and then I might be trying to explain fairly complicated stuff to people who have never heard it before (or worse, think they understand but don't) in a real time, live chat, and sometimes to several people in different messages at once...

I do not need 'hahaha, look at this otter, just look, look its funny'.

Ask your DP if, when he is trying a complicated reverse, at a depot thats really tight, never dropped a trailer there before, and half the warehouse is watching... would he like you to lean over and shove a phone in his face and say 'hey look at this its hilarious'...

'No but thats different, im doing something'

'Nah looks pretty easy to me, just push this, pull that, turn that, you don't even have to think about it, can't be that hard you're barely doing anything, the truck is doing all the work...'

Or say, figuring out his tax return, deadlines two hours away, he's just got into the zone to plow through a years scruffy accounts and in you tramp, waving a phone 'oh you're only sitting there staring at some screens... LOOK AT THIS KITTEN'...

He is capable of grasping this. I promise you he is. He doesn't really want to because it means he'll feel more lonely and guilty that he can't go and do something constructive.

Do you really think setting a clear boundary, like do not disturb during my working hours of 9 to 5 or whatever, is passive aggressive?

No. That's assertive behaviour. It is setting your boundaries so you can take care of business. You have bills to pay. This is the norm for people who work from home. It's not something to be negotiated. The solution is he leaves you alone while you're working. Period.

What's passive aggressive is his interrupting your work with nonsense and when you say not now, I'm working, and he gets pissy over that.

I still can't get over he has you performing for his friends on command.

I think there's an intellectual incompatibility between you. If you didn't see it before, it's obvious now. If he doesn't get it now, he never will. Think carefully how this will impact your future together.

Tell him if he keeps interrupting you will have to go somewhere else to work.

He's been watching too many you tube wfh skits about napping and doing housework. Big sign on door, do not disturb and times inserted. He also needs to get of the house more so you're not his only focus. Xx

Can you quote all these people because I've actually only seen one, and she said she no longer interrupts her partner?

Because this isn't real 😂

And about a hundred others who said that they are similarly interrupted by their partner or relative, and nothing seems to be working to make them understand? The last one five posts above yours.

Neither that one or any other says someone has been unable to understand once being told. In fact that one ends with "He is capable of grasping this. I promise you he is."

You're the only person on the thread who thinks your partner really can't get it.

You don't seem to have ANY issue being assertive at the moment OP. Or passive aggressive. Yet you want us to believe these concepts are alien to you.

4/10 for effort

You're right. Reminder to myself not to feed it. At least some of the replies have given me a good chuckle.

How is being clear about him not interrupting you 'passive aggressive'? 😂

But you're right and he's wrong. This isn't about pineapple on pizza or who the best Superman is. It's pretty obvious that he won't agree on a joint solution and why should you even be negotiating about this? You stated a boundary and he's repeatedly ignoring it. Even if he genuinely doesn't understand it, he should be respecting it.

Fair enough if you don't want to issue an ultimatum as it's clear you feel strongly for him but it's also clear asking nicely isn't working.

It’s the complete opposite of passive - it’s directly communicating what is acceptable and what is not. It doesn’t need to be aggressive either, just clearly stated.

Neither is it an ultimatum.

“sister rings me endlessly and its all 'oh i forgot you were at work... oh well witters until the end of time'”

Your choice to answer her call though instead of ignoring it.

This. He sounds like an ignorant arse.

Huh? She should shift out of the house? 🤣

I had to pick my very young child up early today as the usual childcare was unavailable. I had to finish up my day working from home with her there . I also have a job that requires concentration but can often look like I’m just quietly staring at my screen. If I lose concentration, I will have to start over , just like you op. I was working in the living room today as dh was out. Initially my child kept interrupting me, to tell me and show me things. I tried gently reminding her I was working. After a small number of interruptions, I firmly said “mummy is working and when you stop me to talk to me I do my work wrong. If I make a mistake my boss will shout at me and I will cry and be sad, you need to stop and play by yourself now until I say I have finished”. After that she sat in the same room playing quietly with her toys. She even got herself a drink of water and snacks. If my small child can understand this, I’m struggling to understand how your adult partner doesn’t? Maybe you need to use my statement above, maybe using the same language you use with small children might work?

I often work from home in a separate room when dh is here with the children. My small children know that if I’m working in the office or my door is shut you cannot come in and talk to mummy. How hard is it for a grown adult to understand. They understood this from about age 3. Last I checked non of my children had office jobs, yet they manage to make sense of it.

He understands but doesn’t care.

well yeah but the joint solution is going to be "don't disturb me while I am working"

I think in some ways, OP, you're missing the point. It doesn't really matter whether he understands in any kind of depth what you do, or whether the way you work is very different to how he works, or any of that.

What matters is that you have, very reasonably, told him that you need quiet, uninterrupted time in which to do your job, and for whatever reason he hasn't shown himself willing or able to accept that.

This is now becoming an issue of respect. Ok so he doesn't really get what you do or why you need to be left alone to do it - but now that you've told him what you need, why won't he respect that?

From everything else you've said it sounds like your relationship is good, so I would have the conversation with him where you really set it out clearly that this is an issue of him respecting you. You have told him what you need. It isn't relevant whether he understands why; he needs to have enough respect for you to take you at your word.

If he can't or won't do that you have to face up to the possibility that there is a bad-faith element to this, because if he does truly love and respect you, he will accept it when you tell him that whether or not he gets it, you need to be left alone while working.

He doesn't need to understand, he just needs to respect you asking him not to bother you.