Would this p*ss you off or am I being dramatic (Dh work do)

[worriedmum8686]

Will try and keep this short

DH was on his work do last night and at the weekend out with friends (both nights all men and all married).

The night with friends he only stayed out until 8pm as we were going on a trip with the kids the next day but when he got home his phone was going mad as we watched a film and it was messages from the men out saying how they had got in with a group of women from a different city and how unreal they were. They also sent in videos of them all dancing and in the first video my DH was in it but with his back to the girls. There were some of the friend group not out so the friend sending in the videos was doing it to make them 'jealous' of these stunning girls. Ask DH and he said he didn't speak to the girls just had his drink on their table was in that bar a half hour before he left (which rings true).

then last night work do all married men. DH stupidly drunk when he got home...then the phone started going again and it was his work mate apologising for leaving him as he had went to a hotel with a woman. Now this man is married. He then texted DH and said 'you'll be disappointed but I couldn't follow through even thought she tried'

I asked him about it this morning and he said he wasn't talking to this girl and her friend and his work mate is his own man and can make his own decisions. Now I don't care if he talks to women on nights out and he is very sociable but he denies he does and that just bothers me because why lie. I also was really cross that to me he didn't call his friend out on cheating on his wife. It's just made me feel really uneasy where is his moral compass.

I then had a look at his phone tonight and he texted the other work mate and said the girls friend was definitely looking into him but he told her he was married so that made her want him even more (apparently he didn't speak to her) so he left to get a taxi because the other work mate left to go to hotel with the other woman...confronted him with this and he said it was just bravado he wasn't interested in the girl. Then he admitted his friend kissed the other girl in front of him and I asked him why he didn't tell him he was being a dick.

I can't even let this guys wife know as I don't know her and have no way to contact her. I'm so pissed off with DH that his moral compass to me is way off and I don't see why he can't admit to chatting to women if it is just innocent.

I think I just need a rant

How close are your DH and this guy? If they're best pals outside of work, lifelong friends, he knows the wife etc, I'd have expected him to have had a word.

But if they're just workmates, he's right: It's the other guy's mistake to make and your DH likely doesn't want to cause issues at work by having a go at him on a night out.

It was fuck all to do with your DH to call the other bloke out
The other bloke is an adult and can do all the dumb shit he wants

I suspect he also lies about talking to women because you might say you are OK with it but you wouldn't actually be...

The work mates sound immature, sexist and gross. Filming women dancing on a night out (wondering if they knew/consented) to send round their mates is a dick move. I'd have the ick about the "bravado" texts too. They are too old to be behaving like some caricature out of a 90s lad mag.

Most married guys out on the lash tend to think other women are looking at them far more favourably than they are. My close female colleagues for sure give all the married sleazeballs a very wide berth on work nights out, but these total douchebags think we're all desperate to do the nasty with them in exchange for a few free drinks. Yuck.

Being friends with some of the married sleazebag brigade aside, if what he says is true, he told her he was married and he got in a taxi by himself, as you'd expect. As for whether he was talking to these girls or not, he may have had a brief chat but not extended conversation like his friend.

Interfering in a work colleague's relationship or reading him the riot act over cheating is not appropriate in a work context. Maybe if both husband and wife worked there and it put DH in a difficult position, that would be different, but I'm assuming he doesn't know the wife. It's not the same as if it's a close personal friend, it has potential ramifications for the workplace to get involved and he's probably right in this case to stay out of it, unfortunately. I've known about so many workplace flings, ill advised Christmas do hook ups and affairs in my time, I just try to stay out of things that aren't my business and keep things friendly and professional at work.

I cannot stand hypocrisy and DH and this guy have repeatedly had conversations about another guy in the work place being a cheater and how they never would blah blah blah. Then this guy is out cheating on a random Wednesday night. I said to DH why are you OK with X doing it but criticised Y for doing it. DH and this guy aren't overly close they would never be friends only they work together. This guys wife is also showing signs of sever depression which he complains to DH about then goes and does that on her. I get DH not wanting to call him out but to text the next day joking about cheating with the guy has just really annoyed me.

My DH could talk to a wall if it spoke back to him so I don't for one second believe he wasn't speaking to any of these girls. He's a joker and thinks he's hilarious when drinking. My problem is just lying about it if there's nothing in it then why cover it up

Because you act like this?

I understand why you are saying this...but the joking to the work friend about him cheating on his wife it's just made me question his real feelings on cheating

Which is why he didn't tell you that he talked to another woman

Because he knows you'll question "but did he really just talk to them?"

Nothing you've mentioned is "joking about cheating" with his mates

Stop checking his phone...

The messages today he was joking about the guy cheating.

basically the girls name and asking did he get a mouthful of her...then asking him how his hangover was but not to worry it was definitely worth it and then saying how he made the other girl even more horny by saying he was married

You didn't mention any of that

Stop. Checking. His. Phone.

Why are you checking his phone?

He's going to occasionally speak to someone with a vagina when he's drunk in the pub with mates. That doesn't mean he wants to stick his cock in it.

OP in the kindest and nicest possible way

Your DH hasn't done anything wrong.

His work mates are not a reflection on his actions. Coming from someone who works in a big workplace, Christmas parties are a field day for bad behaviour. It isn't a reflection on your DH. He spoke to people yes, but he himself behaved respectfully.

Whatever conversations he has in private with his friends about their own interactions/behaviour may be for a million different reasons but he still remains a respectful partner to you. We can't police our partners interactions and unfortunately people entertain conversations for all sorts of reasons. The actions of his work mates is nothing to do with you or your DH.

Write it off to someone else's poor judgement and be on side with your DH when you talk about how poor it is.

YABU, he did nothing wrong

OP....aren't you exhausted being the phone police? Im exhausted by only reading your post.

As a PP said...stop looking at his phone.

Stop checking his phone. Controlling behaviour. No wonder he says he didn’t talk to them because you’re reacting like this to actions that weren’t even him. He has no say over what his friends do. His messages about the women being “horny” were crude but they do sound like chest-beating.

I can see why he wouldn’t tell you about a brief talk with another woman even if he did reject her & say he’s married. You’re giving him a hard time over someone else’s bad behaviour! Why are you doing that? I hate cheaters & find it abhorrent & my opinion does change of people who do it. Yet depending on who it is I wouldn’t call it out. Seriously no one likes a moral lecture of someone they’re barely friends with. I think you need to apologise

Well if I went out with my friends or work pals and they were cheating on their partners, I might not raise it with my friend…. BUT I wouldn’t go out with them again either.
I find cheating such a disrespectful thing to do and wouldn’t go drinking with people who did it

I can see why he’s lying about it. Why are you checking his messages anyway? I have access to H phone but I don’t look at his personal messages he has with friends. I’m sure I wouldn’t like some of the content as my H wouldn’t like some of the things I talk about with my mates. Your H came home early from one night out & I can imagine he would have preferred to stay out & the next one he told a woman he was married & yet he feels like he can’t tell you that & I can see why. He’s getting it in the neck about the behaviour of others. You’re the red flag. You try & control his relationship with others & keep checking his phone.

Sorry OP but it's not clear from your post as to whether the group of friends he was out with that were sending him videos of the beautiful women they were with after he had gone home were married men/ in relationships or whether they were single guys? If they were single guys they sound incredibly childish. If they were married or in relationships then it sounds not acceptable behaviour.

As for the work colleague. It wasn't up to your H to police his behaviour. But him condoning it by joking about it would make me wonder about his own views on cheating.

Very well said Timetoheal4good.

@worriedmum8686 if you are reading this, please take heed of what Time has said. You are not doing anyone any favours with your 'almost to good to be true' attitude, and unfortunately, the person probably most likely to end up hurt in the long run, is you. I learnt that through my own bitter experience.

OP, you seem to almost want your DH to do something so bad that you can have a big go at him, and maybe even get a few LTB from some Mumsnetters - I am fairly sure that you don't actually want your relationship to fail, so please stop expecting your DH to be a saint, because he won't, and can't be, and I think he would soon loose his friends and/or work colleagues if he did live up to your impossible, and in my opinion, unhealthy standards...

I do think you are being dramatic. I don’t understand why you are inspecting the phone of an adult.

You do not have any proof that anything did/did not happen between the friend and the female. It could be bravado or banter between two mates who were perhaps not expecting the conversation to be analysed by a third party. Who knows?

You say you don’t know the wife and do not thankfully have contact details and that she may have severe depression. Can you imagine the potential fall out of disclosing what you consider to be immoral to someone who is so ill a week before Christmas?

Presumably you do not know the details of what is or isn’t acceptable in their marriage? The wife may know.

Respectfully, I don’t believe your husband has done anything wrong. Ask him to change his mobile password and not tell you what it is and enjoy the run up to Christmas together.

You are absolutely being too dramatic.

Men (especially work colleagues), have learned to stay in our lane and act accordingly, because that's how we are and make no effort to police their actions unless it will do damage to us, especially in a work situation. We're told to avoid being "busy bodies" and "gossipers" because it changes nothing in the end. In fact, Illicit Encounters, a website devoted to married partners who wish to cheat discreetly, actually noted 67% of males and 53% of females cheated at least once, based on their own website stats. Now it seems the married sleaze balls are somewhat genderless, considering there's only a 14% difference between the two. OP he chose not to speak to you about the details because he was likely hoping to avoid a posting such as this, because if he truly wanted to cheat, he wouldn't be much of an adulterer by being open about what happened with someone flirting with him.

How Common is Cheating in the UK? All The Stats & Facts

You sound a bit paranoid.

Now I don't care if he talks to women on nights out

Sure.....

You're checking his phone repeatedly and quizzing him on what you find there.

You're saying it's the lies but you're lying about caring if he speaks to other girls..

Stop checking his phone. What this other bloke does isn't anything to do with you.

The whole culture of this kind of behaviour seems like it’s all an affair waiting to happen. He seems like he enjoys walking on the line of what is acceptable. That would worry me even though he seems not to have done anything ‘wrong’ as such. The whole context is wildly problematic. Thankfully neither I nor DH have ever worked somewhere where cheating on your spouse was normalised. I’d find that really difficult, just as you have.