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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this p*ss you off or am I being dramatic (Dh work do)

129 replies

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 00:55

Will try and keep this short

DH was on his work do last night and at the weekend out with friends (both nights all men and all married).

The night with friends he only stayed out until 8pm as we were going on a trip with the kids the next day but when he got home his phone was going mad as we watched a film and it was messages from the men out saying how they had got in with a group of women from a different city and how unreal they were. They also sent in videos of them all dancing and in the first video my DH was in it but with his back to the girls. There were some of the friend group not out so the friend sending in the videos was doing it to make them 'jealous' of these stunning girls. Ask DH and he said he didn't speak to the girls just had his drink on their table was in that bar a half hour before he left (which rings true).

then last night work do all married men. DH stupidly drunk when he got home...then the phone started going again and it was his work mate apologising for leaving him as he had went to a hotel with a woman. Now this man is married. He then texted DH and said 'you'll be disappointed but I couldn't follow through even thought she tried'

I asked him about it this morning and he said he wasn't talking to this girl and her friend and his work mate is his own man and can make his own decisions. Now I don't care if he talks to women on nights out and he is very sociable but he denies he does and that just bothers me because why lie. I also was really cross that to me he didn't call his friend out on cheating on his wife. It's just made me feel really uneasy where is his moral compass.

I then had a look at his phone tonight and he texted the other work mate and said the girls friend was definitely looking into him but he told her he was married so that made her want him even more (apparently he didn't speak to her) so he left to get a taxi because the other work mate left to go to hotel with the other woman...confronted him with this and he said it was just bravado he wasn't interested in the girl. Then he admitted his friend kissed the other girl in front of him and I asked him why he didn't tell him he was being a dick.

I can't even let this guys wife know as I don't know her and have no way to contact her. I'm so pissed off with DH that his moral compass to me is way off and I don't see why he can't admit to chatting to women if it is just innocent.

I think I just need a rant

OP posts:
Charlenedickens · 19/12/2025 07:55

Screamingabdabz · 19/12/2025 07:52

I don’t think the ‘worst’ behaviour here is from op. The worst behaviour is from cheating married men who are leering over other women while their wives and kids are at home. The husband is piggy in the middle and seemingly did the right thing but maybe that’s because op keeps a tight reign as she also has kids to think about? Maybe it’s not so much ‘controlling’ as protecting the family unit?

Rules of misogny number 1: women are always responsible for what men do.

It’s not a thread to rank who is worse. Good grief. Of course the Cheater is the worst behaved.

the husband did nothing wrong, he can’t call out colleagues just as the op decides that’s what he should do. Sure he joined in with the banter, but it’s hardly crime of the century,

but going through someone’s phone, getting angry, policing their thoughts, what they say to their colleagues, dictating how they behave. That’s controlling and absurd. It is totally unacceptable and I for one would not accept my husband treating me like this,

the only red flags here are the ones the op is waving.

blythet · 19/12/2025 07:55

I voted YABU from your OP. Then reading all your updates I changed my mind.

it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all and if it was me I’d 100% be leaving regardless of whether he cheated now or not

Chantzaba · 19/12/2025 07:55

The big picture here is actually very simple.

Your husband is a sleazy guy with sleazy friends who have sleazy weekends.

Charlenedickens · 19/12/2025 07:56

Chantzaba · 19/12/2025 07:55

The big picture here is actually very simple.

Your husband is a sleazy guy with sleazy friends who have sleazy weekends.

The big picture here is the op is jealous, insecure and controlling.

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 07:56

NoisyViewer · 19/12/2025 07:51

You probably should have added the messaging of his ex & others. What was in those messages? Despite these messages you don’t think it went any further so whilst there has been a betrayal nothing has raised any concerns in the last 5 years. What we do know is that you have no evidence to suggest he’s done anything since. You’ve forgiven him & now had 2 kids & I suggest you either get therapy for yourself (I don’t think you need marriage counselling) to work through these emotions & see if you can get past it. This is why I hate cheating because any form of cheating big or small shatters the self esteem of the other partner. I don’t think it’s in the category of splitting up & tearing your family apart but he can’t be expected to police others to atone for his own behaviour. He should definitely not have written lewd comments I can see how that undermines your hurt when he messaged other women. Be honest with him. Say when you write back asking how it went it bought painful memories back. How you can be all bravado over something that’s bought extreme pain to me. I wouldn’t expect him to give the bloke a lecture but he didn’t need to ask how it went either.

Show quote history

Sorry we had the two kids when this happened at start of our marriage or to be honest I wouldn't have married him. It was messages to random girls he had on social media from before we were together saying how gorgeous they were and if they were single those types of messages. Then to his ex he had heard she had broke up with the guy she had cheated on him with and he was checking in to see how she was and that he thinks of her often.

our babies were 11 months apart and this was when the youngest was 3 months old I wasn't in the right head space to leave at the time- we worked through it though

OP posts:
Chantzaba · 19/12/2025 07:57

Charlenedickens · 19/12/2025 07:56

The big picture here is the op is jealous, insecure and controlling.

Show quote history

Disagree

Mumof2heroes · 19/12/2025 07:58

I'm not sure why you're getting a pasting on here OP but, oh yeah it's MN and every wife or gf has to be 'cool'. I would absolutely not be ok with my husband acting like this. When you have a relationship with someone a huge part of that is how aligned you are emotionally and morally. There seems to be a big mismatch here and something I'd say that needs addressing. Good luck OP and ignore the self righteous 'cool' wives on here.

beAsensible1 · 19/12/2025 07:58

Ah so he has form for inappropriate messages.

It doesn’t seem like you have gotten past it OP. At all. Do you trust him?

NoisyViewer · 19/12/2025 07:58

Screamingabdabz · 19/12/2025 07:52

I don’t think the ‘worst’ behaviour here is from op. The worst behaviour is from cheating married men who are leering over other women while their wives and kids are at home. The husband is piggy in the middle and seemingly did the right thing but maybe that’s because op keeps a tight reign as she also has kids to think about? Maybe it’s not so much ‘controlling’ as protecting the family unit?

Rules of misogny number 1: women are always responsible for what men do.

Come on. Just because misogyny exists doesn’t mean you can be controlling. People haven’t blamed the OP for anything other than being controlling & unreasonable.

i haven’t seen any post where any of the women these men have met has been blamed, there’s posts saying the men are lewd, creepy & immature though. So no men are responsible for their own behaviour & women are responsible for theirs.

Luxio · 19/12/2025 07:59

To be honest it just feels like you're now changing the narrative and drip feeding stuff to make him sound in the wrong because people are rightly calling you out for your behaviour.

rwalker · 19/12/2025 07:59

With kindness I don’t think you realise how damaging your behaviour is

tell him to put a lock in his phone your like a dog with a bone absolutely determined to manipulate the situation to justify your action

he must be walking on eggshells after he’s been out

tbh not 100% convinced with update as this is normally added to turn the tide of support when things aren’t going the way you wanted

socks1107 · 19/12/2025 07:59

Why are you seeing so many messages on his phone

Makemeanonymous · 19/12/2025 08:02

Yet another thread where I don't understand why pp are lining up to give OP a hard time.

Even without her updates I think she had every right to be unhappy about the company her H keeps and his obvious attitude that cheating is absolutely no big deal. And by his own admission enjoys being attractive to other women.

beAsensible1 · 19/12/2025 08:03

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 07:56

Sorry we had the two kids when this happened at start of our marriage or to be honest I wouldn't have married him. It was messages to random girls he had on social media from before we were together saying how gorgeous they were and if they were single those types of messages. Then to his ex he had heard she had broke up with the guy she had cheated on him with and he was checking in to see how she was and that he thinks of her often.

our babies were 11 months apart and this was when the youngest was 3 months old I wasn't in the right head space to leave at the time- we worked through it though

Show quote history

I don’t think you have. I think you’ve moved past it but your not over it.

as this behaviour has triggered you and now you’re suspicious which is understandable given his previous behaviours

Bestfootforward11 · 19/12/2025 08:03

Charlenedickens · 19/12/2025 07:50

wtf would she not trust him, the man came home and clearly didn’t cheat.

Show quote history

I don’t think a man coming home and not physically cheating are the only requirements that relate to trust.
You absolutely don’t have to agree with me and clearly don’t. But not sure of the need for the ‘wtf’. We can all offer a view and the OP can make her own choices.

Bestfootforward11 · 19/12/2025 08:04

Makemeanonymous · 19/12/2025 08:02

Yet another thread where I don't understand why pp are lining up to give OP a hard time.

Even without her updates I think she had every right to be unhappy about the company her H keeps and his obvious attitude that cheating is absolutely no big deal. And by his own admission enjoys being attractive to other women.

Completely agree.

Mumof2heroes · 19/12/2025 08:05

Medexpert · 19/12/2025 07:53

Not everybody is prepared to enter into a potential conflicual situation to defend some principles they might agree but are not passionate about.

He doesn't need to encourage that behaviour though does he? He seems to enjoy the leary lad dickish displays and actively take part in banter around it. Surely there's a middle ground where he can just back off and not engage?

Makemeanonymous · 19/12/2025 08:05

NoisyViewer · 19/12/2025 07:05

The fact he was quick to say I’m married & obviously gives her unfettered access to his phone even after already being in the doghouse for what was on there I don’t believe are the actions of a or a would be cheat

Show quote history

No it actually shows that he wasn't going to cheat in this situation. Probably because he wouldn't want his work colleagues to know.

figud · 19/12/2025 08:06

It’s rife this time of year. I work in events and see lots of all male married groups - they typically split into two sub groups: the ones trying to actively chat up women (the biggest group) and then the other group who will still talk to women but in a friendly ‘normal’ way (totally healthy and ok - in my view). There aren’t blokes who simply do not talk to women… you might get one outlier (who mostly looks terrified).

So, in my 20 years of event experience - if your man is out and about over Christmas /any kind of all male outing, the chances are he’s talking to women - you’ll have to figure out which group he’s in.

MsDogLady · 19/12/2025 08:09

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 01:53

The messages today he was joking about the guy cheating.

basically the girls name and asking did he get a mouthful of her...then asking him how his hangover was but not to worry it was definitely worth it and then saying how he made the other girl even more horny by saying he was married

Show quote history

That is disgusting, @worriedmum8686. Your H was actually championing his colleague’s cheating - asking if he got a mouthful of her and saying the hangover was worth it if so, and then bragging about his own effect on the other woman, whom he clearly did converse with but lied about it.

He has form for sniffing around/messaging other women, including his ex, after your children were born. Now he is getting a buzz and cheering on this player’s infidelity. I see hypocrisy and incompatible values. My respect and trust would be plummeting.

FrangipaniBlue · 19/12/2025 08:10

I think you need to focus on the issues in your own marriage instead of your husbands work colleagues.

schoolfriend · 19/12/2025 08:18

It doesn’t sound like he keeps great company but equally it doesn’t sound like he has behaved badly so I’d leave it. You can think his mates are twats but how he deals with their behaviour is his business imo

schoolfriend · 19/12/2025 08:18

It doesn’t sound like he keeps great company but equally it doesn’t sound like he has behaved badly so I’d leave it. You can think his mates are twats but how he deals with their behaviour is his business imo

schoolfriend · 19/12/2025 08:18

It doesn’t sound like he keeps great company but equally it doesn’t sound like he has behaved badly so I’d leave it. You can think his mates are twats but how he deals with their behaviour is his business imo

schoolfriend · 19/12/2025 08:18

It doesn’t sound like he keeps great company but equally it doesn’t sound like he has behaved badly so I’d leave it. You can think his mates are twats but how he deals with their behaviour is his business imo