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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this p*ss you off or am I being dramatic (Dh work do)

129 replies

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 00:55

Will try and keep this short

DH was on his work do last night and at the weekend out with friends (both nights all men and all married).

The night with friends he only stayed out until 8pm as we were going on a trip with the kids the next day but when he got home his phone was going mad as we watched a film and it was messages from the men out saying how they had got in with a group of women from a different city and how unreal they were. They also sent in videos of them all dancing and in the first video my DH was in it but with his back to the girls. There were some of the friend group not out so the friend sending in the videos was doing it to make them 'jealous' of these stunning girls. Ask DH and he said he didn't speak to the girls just had his drink on their table was in that bar a half hour before he left (which rings true).

then last night work do all married men. DH stupidly drunk when he got home...then the phone started going again and it was his work mate apologising for leaving him as he had went to a hotel with a woman. Now this man is married. He then texted DH and said 'you'll be disappointed but I couldn't follow through even thought she tried'

I asked him about it this morning and he said he wasn't talking to this girl and her friend and his work mate is his own man and can make his own decisions. Now I don't care if he talks to women on nights out and he is very sociable but he denies he does and that just bothers me because why lie. I also was really cross that to me he didn't call his friend out on cheating on his wife. It's just made me feel really uneasy where is his moral compass.

I then had a look at his phone tonight and he texted the other work mate and said the girls friend was definitely looking into him but he told her he was married so that made her want him even more (apparently he didn't speak to her) so he left to get a taxi because the other work mate left to go to hotel with the other woman...confronted him with this and he said it was just bravado he wasn't interested in the girl. Then he admitted his friend kissed the other girl in front of him and I asked him why he didn't tell him he was being a dick.

I can't even let this guys wife know as I don't know her and have no way to contact her. I'm so pissed off with DH that his moral compass to me is way off and I don't see why he can't admit to chatting to women if it is just innocent.

I think I just need a rant

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 19/12/2025 07:08

Your DH isn’t responsible for his work colleagues behaviour. Stop scrolling through his phone - it’s stalker behaviour. Dancing in a bar where there will be - shock horror - people of the opposite sex dancing does not make him an unfaithful partner.

NoisyViewer · 19/12/2025 07:09

OnlyReplyToIdiots · 19/12/2025 06:54

If the genders were reversed… and someone posted their husband had been snooping on their phone, and they were livid as one of her married female colleagues cheated on a work night out this thread would be full of LTB

Oh yes & they’ll still question if he did actually say he was married despite the evidence being there. Some people do like to make their own version of events up

Original poster

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 07:13

yes there would be trust issues as he has never physically cheated (I think) but there has been a lot of messaging other women including his ex at the beginning of our marriage. We had just had two kids in a short space of time and any time he got drunk he always messaged someone. Tbh I thought I was over all this but clearly I am not. This was five years ago and there has been nothing since the last time five years ago so I don't know why this weekend has got my back up. Also I didn't originally check his phone we were sitting watching a film and he was reading his phone sitting beside me I looked at it while lying beside him. Then that got my back up and I will admit after I did check which I shouldn't have

OP posts:

PoppyWarrior · 19/12/2025 07:14

Your poor DH.

You're coming across as insecure and insanely jealous.

So have I got this right? You've check every single message on his phone, and read them as they get delivered.

What does he do just meekly hand it over to you when a text comes in?

He's been out twice over Christmas? Once with mates and once on a work do? But he came home at 8pm when he went out with friends, because he was taking kids out next day? Eight fucking pm???

I can guess who gave him the 8pm curfew!!!

Did you text him constantly on his night out too for updates on what he was doing?

And now he's getting it in the ear because of something his mates have done. Despite doing nothing himself!???

Well done OP you've achieved what you wanted, he'll think twice about ever going out without you again.

Edit I see we crossed post and have now read that he has history from 5 years ago. And you don’t read all his texts.

But OP your marriage is dead in the water if you don’t get some marriage counselling. I suspect you will just escalate. Not good for you, your kids or your husband. :(

friedeggrunny · 19/12/2025 07:19

Stop micromanaging and snooping.

Who are you to decide what other people say/do/think?

NoisyViewer · 19/12/2025 07:24

Lurkingandlearning · 19/12/2025 05:53

If you know your husband will talk to a wall if it would talk back to him, then it follows that you know he will be talking to women when he is out. He will also talk to men, including men whose morals don’t align with his. You know him well enough to know that and he knows you well enough to know you will react the way you do to other people cheating. You said you didn’t know the wife of the man who cheated, so couldn’t tell her. That suggests you expose cheating when you have the opportunity. That puts him in the position of having to have the same approach to cheats as you or lie to you to avoid a moral debate he doesn’t want. He’s probably lying for a quiet life. That’s not good but it often happens when people don’t agree to disagree.

It seems you want him to take a moral stand against cheats, whereas he has a live and let live approach. He doesn’t want to be the one in the group who champions fidelity. Perhaps he feels, for the little time he spends with those men, it’s not worth the hassle. It’s not as if he would be saying anything they don’t already know.

He doesn’t care as much as you do about other people’s relationships. Is that important enough to you to for it to cause conflict in your own relationship?

It’s also context, if your good mate was about to make a mistake you may put your arm around their shoulders & have a quiet word, if they came to you & said they where tempted to cheat you’d give your unfiltered opinion & hope they don’t. However, I wouldn’t go all moral superiority on them if they did cheat. I’d stick by mate but obviously with a deep disappointment in their behaviour. I would expect my husband to respect my decision when it came to exposing it or not. I would be livid if he exposed it to a work colleagues spouse. I work there & I wouldn’t want to have to face the drama created by my husband. It’s not up to him on what I choose to tolerate in an area of life he has little to do with. As long as I’m not partaking in these behaviours it’s non of his business & im assuming this is why he doesn’t come out and tell her

Frynye · 19/12/2025 07:28

STOP Checking his phone. He is not responsible for these other men.

If you can’t or won’t trust him then leave but don’t pick over every detail of his life looking for evidence

Scottishskifun · 19/12/2025 07:28

I can see why your annoyed about lying but honestly I can understand why your DH is lying if your reaction is to interrogate about speaking to women.

I agree with others get some marriage counselling as this isn't healthy.

Original poster

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 07:30

Also I don't expect him to stand in a bar and make a scene to stop his friend from cheating but I do expect him to not encourage it. Which from the messages seems like he did and to not joke about it the next day. I just thought it was horrible there's a woman sitting at home with 3 kids under 7 who has no idea her husband did this and joking about it to me is just nasty and I'm disappointed he thought it was a thing to joke about bravado or not

OP posts:

francii · 19/12/2025 07:31

If a woman came on here and said her DH was going through her phone and policing who she talked to we’d be saying it was control and abuse.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 19/12/2025 07:34

So your ranting stems from your insecurities and your DH has done nothing wrong from what I have read. If you don't stop your behaviour you'll push him away.

Original poster

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 07:36

also to the poster who said about me giving an 8pm curfew...we were travelling two hours away with the kids for a Santa experience. He always insists on driving. DH thinks he can drink anyone under the table he cannot last year on his work do he ended up being driven to a police station for threatening the taxi driver. He is not a good drunk not that many are but he is very difficult and it's exhausting waiting on him coming home from nights out to see what state he is as it isn't just in stumbling to the sofa to sleep. He stomps about the house shouting and picking fights for a few hours before he'll settle down and to be honest I didn't want the kids Santa experience ruined. Really sorry to drip feed was trying to keep the original post short

OP posts:

Luxio · 19/12/2025 07:37

So you've spent your whole marriage suspicious and looking for clues to something that has never happened...

Bestfootforward11 · 19/12/2025 07:41

I wouldn’t like this behaviour and I understand why you are upset. For me, it’s not just the cheating but this kind of pack mentality. ‘Did you get a mouthful of her?’. I just find that so grim and it shows a really unpleasant attitude to women.
You clearly don’t trust your partner and I think you have good reason based on his behaviour to date.

AgnesX · 19/12/2025 07:45

Are you always this hungup about your DHs thoughts?

He didn't do anything he shouldn't and came home. The behaviour of his idiot colleagues is nothing he can control and he still has to work with them. His work relationships really have nothing to do with you.

I think you need to find something else to occupy your mind.

ExtraOnions · 19/12/2025 07:47

In typical MN way … the thread isn’t going the way the OP wanted, do we now get a drip feed of.. arguing with taxi drivers, the police, aggressive behaviour, picking fights, texting an ex 5 years ago.

At the end of the day you should not be checking other people’s phones, and it’s not your husbands job to police this other guys behaviour.

Forever1973 · 19/12/2025 07:49

"A man is known by the company he keeps." I wouldn't be particularly happy if my DH had friends like this. To an extent, you don't have much choice about your work colleagues and it's not unreasonable to want to socialise with them, whatever they're like - preserving a good relationship with them - but I think it's 'off' to cheer on married men as they cheat. It doesn't sound as though your DH has cheated, OP, and that's the most important thing.

Charlenedickens · 19/12/2025 07:49

I also can’t see what your husband has done wrong, but you need to look at your own behaviour, it is very controlling, to such an extent you go through his phone and get angry if he doesn’t behave in the manner you decide is appropriate to his friends.

if the genders were reversed people would be screaming to ltb.

Charlenedickens · 19/12/2025 07:50

Bestfootforward11 · 19/12/2025 07:41

wtf would she not trust him, the man came home and clearly didn’t cheat.

beAsensible1 · 19/12/2025 07:50

You asked if you are being dramatic….

why are you expecting him to start morally ranting by not a colleague about his relationship.

stop going through his phone. He got home at 9pm and was getting messages in his group chat.
everybody was still out you know he wasn’t cheating. You know he is sociable and chatty, what’s the issue.

you are doing too much

NoisyViewer · 19/12/2025 07:51

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 07:13

You probably should have added the messaging of his ex & others. What was in those messages? Despite these messages you don’t think it went any further so whilst there has been a betrayal nothing has raised any concerns in the last 5 years. What we do know is that you have no evidence to suggest he’s done anything since. You’ve forgiven him & now had 2 kids & I suggest you either get therapy for yourself (I don’t think you need marriage counselling) to work through these emotions & see if you can get past it. This is why I hate cheating because any form of cheating big or small shatters the self esteem of the other partner. I don’t think it’s in the category of splitting up & tearing your family apart but he can’t be expected to police others to atone for his own behaviour. He should definitely not have written lewd comments I can see how that undermines your hurt when he messaged other women. Be honest with him. Say when you write back asking how it went it bought painful memories back. How you can be all bravado over something that’s bought extreme pain to me. I wouldn’t expect him to give the bloke a lecture but he didn’t need to ask how it went either.

Screamingabdabz · 19/12/2025 07:52

I don’t think the ‘worst’ behaviour here is from op. The worst behaviour is from cheating married men who are leering over other women while their wives and kids are at home. The husband is piggy in the middle and seemingly did the right thing but maybe that’s because op keeps a tight reign as she also has kids to think about? Maybe it’s not so much ‘controlling’ as protecting the family unit?

Rules of misogny number 1: women are always responsible for what men do.

Medexpert · 19/12/2025 07:53

Not everybody is prepared to enter into a potential conflicual situation to defend some principles they might agree but are not passionate about.

Original poster

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 07:53

ExtraOnions · 19/12/2025 07:47

At the end of the day you should not be checking other people’s phones, and it’s not your husbands job to police this other guys behaviour.

Edited

As I have said I don't mean to drop feed I am replying to points other posters have made. Which I appreciate

however in typical MN way rather than have a discussion it's an attack on a few points I have put down then when I explain the points I have made I'm being accused that I'm only doing it because the thread isn't going how I wanted it. I posted the AIBU for honest opinions which I am getting and appreciate. Is it any wonder why original posters stop replying to their threads when it can't even just be a discussion. I don't think I have tried to defend myself in this thread at all people have asked questions and I have answered them

OP posts:

ColdAsAWitches · 19/12/2025 07:53

he told her he was married so that made her want him even more (apparently he didn't speak to her) so he left to get a taxi

Didn't he do exactly what you would want? A woman starts talking to him, he says he's married, when she doesn't leave him alone he goes home. Your husband has done nothing wrong. If this behaviour has you this pissed off at him, there is clearly no way he can win. Leave him alone.

Now I don't care if he talks to women on nights out and he is very sociable but he denies he does and that just bothers me because why lie.
Maybe he lies because it's easier than having to face the interrogation and judgement from you that he will inevitably get if he's honest with you. He told you the truth tonight and you ended up going through his phone!

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