Would this p*ss you off or am I being dramatic (Dh work do)

[worriedmum8686]

Will try and keep this short

DH was on his work do last night and at the weekend out with friends (both nights all men and all married).

The night with friends he only stayed out until 8pm as we were going on a trip with the kids the next day but when he got home his phone was going mad as we watched a film and it was messages from the men out saying how they had got in with a group of women from a different city and how unreal they were. They also sent in videos of them all dancing and in the first video my DH was in it but with his back to the girls. There were some of the friend group not out so the friend sending in the videos was doing it to make them 'jealous' of these stunning girls. Ask DH and he said he didn't speak to the girls just had his drink on their table was in that bar a half hour before he left (which rings true).

then last night work do all married men. DH stupidly drunk when he got home...then the phone started going again and it was his work mate apologising for leaving him as he had went to a hotel with a woman. Now this man is married. He then texted DH and said 'you'll be disappointed but I couldn't follow through even thought she tried'

I asked him about it this morning and he said he wasn't talking to this girl and her friend and his work mate is his own man and can make his own decisions. Now I don't care if he talks to women on nights out and he is very sociable but he denies he does and that just bothers me because why lie. I also was really cross that to me he didn't call his friend out on cheating on his wife. It's just made me feel really uneasy where is his moral compass.

I then had a look at his phone tonight and he texted the other work mate and said the girls friend was definitely looking into him but he told her he was married so that made her want him even more (apparently he didn't speak to her) so he left to get a taxi because the other work mate left to go to hotel with the other woman...confronted him with this and he said it was just bravado he wasn't interested in the girl. Then he admitted his friend kissed the other girl in front of him and I asked him why he didn't tell him he was being a dick.

I can't even let this guys wife know as I don't know her and have no way to contact her. I'm so pissed off with DH that his moral compass to me is way off and I don't see why he can't admit to chatting to women if it is just innocent.

I think I just need a rant

You are going to wonder why in the future your DH isn't going to tell you anything about what happens when he goes out. And that is because he is undergoing an inquisition when he gets home.

He is not responsible for how other people behave OP.

Do you not trust your DH?

Is there a reason you don’t trust your DH? I couldn’t get worked up over any of this really, what is there to achieve?

You're being ridiculous. It isnt your husbands responsibility to police the behaviour of friends and its not his fault if they do things they shouldn't!

If you know your husband will talk to a wall if it would talk back to him, then it follows that you know he will be talking to women when he is out. He will also talk to men, including men whose morals don’t align with his. You know him well enough to know that and he knows you well enough to know you will react the way you do to other people cheating. You said you didn’t know the wife of the man who cheated, so couldn’t tell her. That suggests you expose cheating when you have the opportunity. That puts him in the position of having to have the same approach to cheats as you or lie to you to avoid a moral debate he doesn’t want. He’s probably lying for a quiet life. That’s not good but it often happens when people don’t agree to disagree.

It seems you want him to take a moral stand against cheats, whereas he has a live and let live approach. He doesn’t want to be the one in the group who champions fidelity. Perhaps he feels, for the little time he spends with those men, it’s not worth the hassle. It’s not as if he would be saying anything they don’t already know.

He doesn’t care as much as you do about other people’s relationships. Is that important enough to you to for it to cause conflict in your own relationship?

Your husband seemingly did the right thing ,,that's your concern other people husbands and marriages are their concern especially if you are not close to them ,,can't expect your husband to police his work friends behaviour .

Good grief your anxiety is ott. No one needs to look at someone else's messages, if there is trust.

YABU and massively overreacting.
Its controlling behaviour and you are looking for something that isnt there.
Are you insecure?

Stop trying to police the actions of people who work for an employer you don't even work for, who are adults, who are responsible for their own conduct and actions. Its got nothing to do with you and you are seriously over invested.

Understand that talking to people of the opposite sex usually happens on drunken Chistmas dos, that not every woman wants to jump every man who speaks to her. That a bunch of drunk married men on a Christmas do approaching younger women aren't loves young dream.
You don't appear to trust your husband. The rest is absolutely nothing to do with you whether you agree with what's going on or not.

Fucking hell. men are gross. I’m so glad I’m an old hag and past all that nonsense.

OP, to answer your question, your H did nothing wrong apart from engage in some tacky, tasteless banter with his tacky, immature, sexist mates. On the scale of one to men, he seems relatively harmless.

I’m not sure husband has done anything wrong. Also not sure why you are going through his phone and reading his messages.

The worst behaviour going on here is OP going through her husband's messages. Stop invading his privacy, OP. None of your business.

The two scenarios are pretty different. The night out with friends is immature but harmless to me (and your husband wasn't even there). The workmate was gross but you can't expect your husband to police his colleague's behaviour. Like, if that was his friend I might agree with you, and I'd be disturbed if DP's friendship group had that culture where cheating is just a joke, but absolutely no one wants to scold people they have to work with about their personal lives.

Routinely reading your partners phone really is the lowest and very controlling. If I found my partner was doing this, I would strongly consider whether we had a future together.

This. Poor bloke, I can see why he doesn't tell you. It's not his job to police his colleagues' behaviour and you are being really controlling and obsessive, unreasonably so

basically the girls name and asking did he get a mouthful of her...then asking him how his hangover was but not to worry it was definitely worth it and then saying how he made the other girl even more horny by saying he was married

Ok, I don’t agree with phone checking. So stop that. But I’m going to go against the grain here and the other posters and say that I would be annoyed if DH was messaging his married mate or colleague egging him on about cheating on his wife, oh did you get a mouthful of her, bet it was worth it.

I cannot imagine for one minute, me a married woman speaking to my mate that’s cheated on her husband saying things like oh bet it was worth it, bet he was turned on by you being married. To be honest, I’d be horrified and wouldn’t want to get involved. If anything I would probably be telling her to re think her actions as she’s MARRIED.

I personally would believe your DH didn’t do anything physically wrong or cheat on you but the fact he is openingly having banter and accepting it is what I think he did wrong. I wouldn’t be happy if my DH did this and I can see why you’re worried about his morals now

The worst behaviour going on here is OP going through her husband's messages. Stop invading his privacy, OP. None of your business.

This. Honestly it's horribly controlling behaviour and I'd be advising a friend to leave if they were in a relationship like yours where one partner was obsessively checking messages and interrogating them to this degree.

The only one being unreasonable here is you.

Your husband has not done anything wrong. Why are you reading all his messages? That's not ok. Clearly you don't trust him.

If the genders were reversed… and someone posted their husband had been snooping on their phone, and they were livid as one of her married female colleagues cheated on a work night out this thread would be full of LTB

Why do you believe that men think like we do?

What has some random colleagues behaviour got to do with your DH?

Are you the relationship police?

This is all very strange.

Stop looking at his phone and involving yourself about what his friend might be doing. Not your business. 🤷‍♀️

Well if she doesn’t trust him, she might as well.

The messages are a bit low grade, but you married the guy, so surely you know what he is like. You can't control your partner's thoughts and actions so stop looking at his phone. You can leave him if you don't like him but that would be rather extreme in these circumstances.

You clearly don’t trust your DH so your relationship is as good as dead. It is not normal to be checking your DH phone. That said I would be seriously wondering why your DH would be ‘disappointed’ that his work mate couldn’t go through with it, that sounds odd to me.

The fact he was quick to say I’m married & obviously gives her unfettered access to his phone even after already being in the doghouse for what was on there I don’t believe are the actions of a or a would be cheat

@worriedmum8686why do you check his phone?