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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this p*ss you off or am I being dramatic (Dh work do)

129 replies

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 00:55

Will try and keep this short

DH was on his work do last night and at the weekend out with friends (both nights all men and all married).

The night with friends he only stayed out until 8pm as we were going on a trip with the kids the next day but when he got home his phone was going mad as we watched a film and it was messages from the men out saying how they had got in with a group of women from a different city and how unreal they were. They also sent in videos of them all dancing and in the first video my DH was in it but with his back to the girls. There were some of the friend group not out so the friend sending in the videos was doing it to make them 'jealous' of these stunning girls. Ask DH and he said he didn't speak to the girls just had his drink on their table was in that bar a half hour before he left (which rings true).

then last night work do all married men. DH stupidly drunk when he got home...then the phone started going again and it was his work mate apologising for leaving him as he had went to a hotel with a woman. Now this man is married. He then texted DH and said 'you'll be disappointed but I couldn't follow through even thought she tried'

I asked him about it this morning and he said he wasn't talking to this girl and her friend and his work mate is his own man and can make his own decisions. Now I don't care if he talks to women on nights out and he is very sociable but he denies he does and that just bothers me because why lie. I also was really cross that to me he didn't call his friend out on cheating on his wife. It's just made me feel really uneasy where is his moral compass.

I then had a look at his phone tonight and he texted the other work mate and said the girls friend was definitely looking into him but he told her he was married so that made her want him even more (apparently he didn't speak to her) so he left to get a taxi because the other work mate left to go to hotel with the other woman...confronted him with this and he said it was just bravado he wasn't interested in the girl. Then he admitted his friend kissed the other girl in front of him and I asked him why he didn't tell him he was being a dick.

I can't even let this guys wife know as I don't know her and have no way to contact her. I'm so pissed off with DH that his moral compass to me is way off and I don't see why he can't admit to chatting to women if it is just innocent.

I think I just need a rant

OP posts:

schoolfriend · 19/12/2025 08:18

It doesn’t sound like he keeps great company but equally it doesn’t sound like he has behaved badly so I’d leave it. You can think his mates are twats but how he deals with their behaviour is his business imo

schoolfriend · 19/12/2025 08:18

AngelinaFibres · 19/12/2025 08:18

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 01:53

The messages today he was joking about the guy cheating.

basically the girls name and asking did he get a mouthful of her...then asking him how his hangover was but not to worry it was definitely worth it and then saying how he made the other girl even more horny by saying he was married

Show quote history

Presumably your husband has this type of work event every Christmas . It must make things very stressful in the lead up EVERY SINGLE YEAR. At what point are you going to trust him/ leave him.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 19/12/2025 08:20

It sounds to me as if your husband's main issue is drink. It's surely time he grew and learnt to control his drinking so that he isn't regularly getting drunk. Other issues apart, he must be spending a hell of a lot in pubs and bars.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 19/12/2025 08:24

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 19/12/2025 01:17

It was fuck all to do with your DH to call the other bloke out
The other bloke is an adult and can do all the dumb shit he wants

I suspect he also lies about talking to women because you might say you are OK with it but you wouldn't actually be...

^ This ^^

You are giving your DH a hard time for what? He came home early from a night out because you had plans with the kids the next day. He hasn't spoken to the women, but if he did, why would he mention it to you if you are being this weird over things? You say you are okay with him talking to women while he is out but its clear you are actually not. And don't get me started on you looking at his phone.

Your Dh has done nothing wrong and he has actually acted well under the circumstances. Coming home early and making it clear to a woman that he was married and wasn't interested.

it is not his place to 'call out his friend'. His friend can do whatever he wants on a night out. Its not up to your DH to tell him off like he is some child. There is nothing wrong with your DH moral compass.

Take a closer look at yourself. You are clearly very insecure.

Wildbushlady · 19/12/2025 08:24

Sorry op.

Your husband is a dog.

GanninHyem · 19/12/2025 08:27

Chantzaba · 19/12/2025 07:57

Disagree

Show quote history

I agree with you both. OP is likely controlling and jealous because her husband is a pig. I just don't think they're a good match but she ignored red flags and lumbered herself 2 kids to this charmbag.

firstofallimadelight · 19/12/2025 08:31

He sounds awful and his friends/work colleagues sound awful. You can’t trust him entirely because of the way he behaves and the people he chooses to socialise with.
I can’t imagine anything will change unless he was willing to stop drinking and stop socialising with these people which seems unlikely.

Agrumpyknitter · 19/12/2025 08:33

You do need to trust him or it will drive you crazy when he goes out and you can’t keep checking his phone.

That said I do think some people get a bit carried away this time of the year. We had two male contractors at our work place, one married the other with a girlfriend. The last Christmas do both men went off and spent the night together, they told my gay friend who saw them kiss that they did occasionally hook up to let off steam. They loved their wife/girlfriend and didn’t see it as cheating as they didn’t want to leave them.

PollyBell · 19/12/2025 08:36

He is responsible for his own actions same as every other adult, my husband is not responsible for how other people behave nor do I have the right to control how he should respond to things that are not his doing

You are trying to be controlling

NotAnotherScarf · 19/12/2025 08:37

You clearly don't trust your husband. You clearly also rushed into the marriage and had 2 kids and said without that you wouldn't have married him.

But firstly, you expect he should police people he works with although you deny that but it's clear you do. Then say he can aggressive when drinking...yeah that'll end well then.

You repeatedly check his phone and call him out for things like being on the same dance floor as some random women. Then call him out on personal messages...he knows you check his phone so why would he leave an actual evidence for you to find?

Whilst he's not perfect you do sound like hard work. He leaves a Christmas early do to do stuff for the kids, he lets you see his phone and yes he's been a dick in the past... what has he actually done wrong here? I'm not sure .

Iamnicehonest · 19/12/2025 08:50

You sound very controlling, i feel sorry for your DH.

Its none of his business or your business if someone else cheats.

Redburnett · 19/12/2025 08:53

Men with their brains in their dicks. Either he gets a different set of friends/colleagues or he will have an affair sometime in the future.

Toooldtocare25 · 19/12/2025 08:54

I agree with you I’d be well pissed off. The wording in those messages to his mate is very disrespectful and it sounds like he enjoyed the whole thing. He clearly caused you issues at the beginning and should not be doing anything that would break that trust now. Including lying or living his single life through his cheating fuck of a mate.

Original poster

worriedmum8686 · 19/12/2025 08:55

This thread has shown me that I have a lot to work on with my insecurities and I am a control freak tbh in some areas of my life thanks all! And merry Christmas to all who celebrate I'm signing out now ;)

OP posts:

surreygirly · 19/12/2025 08:58

Would mot bother me in the least
to guys and girls when I am out with gfs
He even said is was not interested because he is married fgs
You sound like a female version of the Taliban

noidea69 · 19/12/2025 09:08

Feels like you are projecting a bit.

80smonster · 19/12/2025 09:10

Who died and made you the UK’s beating conscience? Leave well alone.

IsItSnowing · 19/12/2025 09:50

Your DH isn't responsible for his work colleagues behaviour. He has to continue working with them. He's probably just trying to fit in. Being the morality police in the work environment isn't generally very welcome to be honest.

You are either trust him or you don't. He may well not have spoken to the women. Or if he did, just normal conversation. Who cares if he has a laugh with some passing people in a bar when out drinking, male or female.

I've never even considered looking at my DH's phone messages. Occasionally he will get a whatsapp from one of his friend groups when he's driving and he'll ask me to type a reply for him and he wouldn't care if I did read them. But I don't.

Getdne · 19/12/2025 09:50

He doesn't sound like any prize.
Sleazey married man who hangs around with similarly sleazy cheating men.
He has found his tribe clearly.

TeaAndTattoos · 19/12/2025 09:54

I suspect he doesn’t tell you who he speaks to on a night out because he knows you will act like an absolute loon when he’s done nothing wrong other than have a couple of nights out. He’s not responsible for the actions of his friends they are all grown men. And stop checking his phone he’s not a child who needs telling off because you found something in his phone.

OchreRaven · 19/12/2025 10:14

I think you are getting hard time @worriedmum8686. I wouldn’t expect my DH to police other people’s behaviour but it would upset me if he was actively encouraging and making light of it. I would assume he thought it was acceptable and therefore wouldn’t have a problem doing it himself if the opportunity arose and he thought he could get away with it. My DH was in a similar situation and he told me about what his colleague did and said he was disappointed in him. His main concern was telling him to be careful because it could blow up his relationship, not encouraging him to do it! My DH regularly works away with this colleague and they go out together so it made me feel uncomfortable but I respected my DH told me because he thought it was a big deal not some banter.

Imbrocator · 19/12/2025 10:28

People are really getting on their high horses about this. OP you’re completely in the right to be concerned that he’s cheering on a friend cheating. It’s morally repugnant, and any decent friend would try to stop someone they care about from doing that to their wife. At the least, they’d express deep distaste for it rather than joking about it with them afterwards. It shows a clear lack of care and morals.

These things don’t exist in a vacuum - it’s completely reasonable to feel worried that someone who is so blasé about a friend cheating would show a similar lack of morals about infidelity in your own relationship.

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