Can I ask brother to buy presents for my children

[ThatRubyMoose]

My brother and I are quite close, he will text me and I see him for lunch two or three times a month; I can pop into where he works to see him.

He is generous in that if we’re out he will pick up the tab but was always a bit crap when it came to birthdays and Christmas. About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

When we bought a doer upper a couple of years ago I explained to SiL what I had planned when we had the money. They then spent around £500 on what I wanted which was so generous.

My daughters are now saying how upset they are about how both brother and sister in-law don’t get them presents and the older one thinks they dislike her. Their indifference to my daughters upsets me.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

Quite a lot of gift buying is forced and doesn't mean much - it doesn't seem to bother people though. As long as people get something in wrapping paper that's often all that matters.

You need to actually be a parent. Tell your children that presents don’t show whether people like you or not, or you are setting them up as victims.
Of course you shouldn’t they have already told you no.

Ha ha. We did. But the system fell down when my daughter put a tooth under her pillow without telling either me or her dad 😁.

No of course you don’t ask him to buy gifts. Presumably they don’t buy into consumerism at Christmas and don’t want to just buy presents for the sake of it. If he pays for lunches out and treated you to something you wanted he is obviously not mean but maybe they just want to stop the gift buying which sometimes verges on ridiculous if you both end up buying things people don’t want or need and puts reciprocant in a position of having to do the same. Tell your DC your brother doesn’t do gifts and you don’t buy for him and educate them on the fact no gifts doesn’t mean they don’t care about them.

Please don’t ask. The issue is your kids entitlement not your brother. Focus on your kids.

I don’t agree with this. We do always buy for small children in our immediate family but often parents don’t want tat which breaks and ends up in landfill and bad mouthing people because they don’t follow your suggestions of just buying something cheap sounds mean spirited. Maybe the brother doesn’t know what they already have and is anti consumerism. Sounds like he is generous in other ways.

Educating children on the fact they should not expect gifts also seems to be something some parents struggle with. Just explain not everyone buys into the tit for tat buying at Christmas.

I dread this! Hopefully the therapy didn’t cost you too much 😂😂

Oh ,sounds like maybe they feel their uncle doesnt bother with them ,as opposed to wanting gifts? My brother (and my ds other uncle) have never bought gifts.My husband passed away when mine werent much older than your eldest ,so now theyre all grown the relationships are sadly non exsistant.Ive tried reaching out to both over the years ,but nothings changed. Youre lucky in that you have a good relationship with your brother.We (mine and I) were brought up in a very loving close family ,but ive come to accept he`s different to the rest of us.You can drag a horse to water and all that.x

I don't agree with this. It is normally for little children to be treated kindly by close family members. To suggest otherwise is just silly.

I would like my brother to step up for them but he is indifferent. This upsets me but I always kept it to myself now I think they realise it too

What in the heck is wrong with you? You have brought your kids up to think if someone doesn’t buy them gifts they are indifferent to them? This is a ‘you problem’.

One of the grabbiest posts I’ve seen on here!

Genuinely I am not grabby, I am sad about the lack of effort on his part,

I don’t really think that presents equates with love or affection for someone but I do think it is easy for children to think this way, not because they are grabby of entitled but because we’ll, they’re kids. In this case they would be right as I think he is indifferent to them. This came as a shock to both my mother and me.

My elder child sees her father and his mother, and sometimes the wider family a couple of times a year. My in-laws are again indifferent to her. This is of course their prerogative but it’s sad.

I won’t ask him to start buying for them but I would love to know if SiL buys her nieces and nephew anything. But I won’t ask.

It doesn’t matter if your SIL buys for her nephews and nieces. It is not her responsibility to take on admin for your brothers family.

I made it very clear to my husband when we got serious that I had enough on my plate with a large family and if he didn’t buy cards or presents or even remember birthdays for his family, that was on him.

You say that presents don’t equate love or affection to you but clearly they do and to your children as well because your brother is showing up with him time seemingly. You’re just annoyed that it’s empty handed.

If you were truly bothered you’d be asking to see him more not be thinking about asking him to buy more.

Do your kids go without? Because if they don't, it kind of IS grabby if they already get enough

No! It comes over as very entitled.

Your brother sounds like a decent bloke, you might ruin your relationship with him by asking.

You would be unreasonable to ask him to buy presents, when he has specifically told you that he and his wife have decided not to do that. They are generous to you in other ways. As is their prerogative. You don’t have to agree or like it, but you do have to respect their choices. You can adjust your gift giving/response in light of your views of this, but that is it.

The problem you have is that your children have linked getting gifts with being liked/loved, and lack of gifts as a sign of dislike, when this is not the case. They are children, but it’s not something every child believes and if they do there is a reason that message has been picked up. You say you don’t mind re the gifts, but I’m not so sure
that’s true. I think it will be hard to convince your children of something you don’t actually believe either, if you are honest.

I also think it’s a bad idea- if you do ask him and he does, what message are you sending your children? You’ve just confirmed that presents are a demonstration of regard or love, and a lack of one is the opposite. You are concreting in that fear/belief your daughter has, and frankly, that’s the last thing you should be doing given her sensitivity with regards to her step-father’s family’s gift-giving practices. It’s not helpful or healthy to her to take this track, even if it does (temporarily) cheer her up, thus making you feel better.

Your brother may genuinely just not be terribly interested in your children. It sounds like he and his wife are childless- assuming that’s by choice, it should perhaps not be a surprise to you that he is a bit indifferent about them. I’m sure he is generally fond of them, but may not really interested forming a closer bond. If they’re childlessness is not by choice, the situation is more nuanced, but still understandable that he might chose to have a more distant relationship with your children As long as he is not unkind to them, I don’t think there is much to criticise. He might not be uncle of the year, but he’s not causing harm. Equally, you can chose to decide how you respond to that indifference and may decide it has a negative impact on your relationship with your DB&SIL.

In his position, if you demanded/suggested a present to prove to a child I liked or loved them, I’d not be terribly impressed. I’d suggest you work out a way to demonstrate to your child the inaccuracy of that assumption rather than expect me to adjust my behaviour to appease the child’s misconception.

But here you are being grabby again?

Your SIL buying for her own nieces and nephews doesn’t mean she needs to buy for her husband’s brother’s stepchild?

Your SIL is not a relation to your eldest, I would be shocked if you expected her to buy her presents?

This Op is right. My BIL isn’t really a kid person, doesn’t bother me at all - he has no kids. Just because we decided to have them it doesn’t mean he suddenly has to become a kid person.

My brother and I see each other a lot.

They are actually expecting their first baby in May. I don’t think this will make them any more interested in mine.

What effort do you make for your brother and sister in law? What, if anything, do you do for them?

Well I see him a lot and her occasionally. I don’t see it as ‘effort’ particularly. We all get on very well. My husband has gone away with him and her brother on occasion.

You said you were sad about his lack of effort. So I asked what effort you make. None, it would appear.

So, they pick up the tab when you go out, have given generously to you in the past, and get you expensive gifts when you celebrate. You do nothing for them and are complaining they don’t buy stuff for your kids.

Sure, you’re not grabby at all. 😒