Can I ask brother to buy presents for my children

[ThatRubyMoose]

My brother and I are quite close, he will text me and I see him for lunch two or three times a month; I can pop into where he works to see him.

He is generous in that if we’re out he will pick up the tab but was always a bit crap when it came to birthdays and Christmas. About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

When we bought a doer upper a couple of years ago I explained to SiL what I had planned when we had the money. They then spent around £500 on what I wanted which was so generous.

My daughters are now saying how upset they are about how both brother and sister in-law don’t get them presents and the older one thinks they dislike her. Their indifference to my daughters upsets me.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

Why do your kids attach love onto spending money and presents?
'My uncle and aunt don't like me as they don't buy presents? Something has gone wrong there. Surely love is shown in many ways...

I think worse of your in laws, not buying your eldest anything for her bday and treating differently.

My nephew has 2 siblings. Not blood related to me in anyway but they all get birthday and xmas presents.

On your brother, since he has always done that, I agree with the others on it isn't a reflection of his affection. The above scenario is different as your children are being treated very differently and I wouldn't stand for it.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

Yes, of course you would look rude and entitled.

Are you not embarrassed?

True, but none of that is an absolute measure of love.

Your kids are the ones you need to speak to! Rude self centred and entitled!

Your child suffers no harm you are being ridiculous

For my eldest she does have issues around presents as my in-laws (she is my husband’s stepdaughter) only buy a birthday present for my youngest and a smaller present at Christmas.

Well that’s the key issue, isn’t it? You could explain that to your DB and ask if he would be willing to buy small presents as a kind acknowledgement of family connections? Kids that age tend to find presents very important and meaningful, and she’s looking for reassurance of being part of a family. I think that’s OK.

It sounds like there are two issues @ThatRubyMoose and I think it's important to separate them.

1. Your brother's indifference - presents aside, is he not interested in your dc in other ways? Does he make an effort to see them? Spend time with them when you are all together? You can be an involved aunt/uncle/grandparent/family friend and not give gifts. If you wish he had a better relationship with them, maybe start inviting to do joint things together - pottery painting place, bowling, cinema etc? Doing something monthly may help them connect.

2. The gift giving. Honestly? I don't think you should ask and I think you should help your dc understand gifts aren't the maker/breaker in relationships. I'm a gift giver but members of our extended family really aren't, neither are godparents.

I do think kids begin to naturally see differences in families, especially around age 10 as they begin to be more influenced by social norms. I remember when my dc started to notice how different grandparents were - some really fun and engaged and others, not. I'd help your eldest understand all families are different and it's never personal.

Good luck!

I don’t think you should ask your brother.
I think I quite like his approach to gift giving - he seems to do it when he sees a particular thing that the recipient would like rather than just because there is an expectation that he will
Gift giving can seem very transactional.

it does feel like you have a strong reaction to him choosing not to buy presents for your children- and feel that he is indifferent to them so maybe you are influencing their feelings
how does he interact with them when he sees them?

It's clearly the op that thinks like this.
He should step up line,really.
Glad op isn't my sister.

Yes, I can’t pin point quite what’s going on, why etc but I definitely agree this is a “you” thing @ThatRubyMoose. There is a recurring theme. I suggest seeking rl support in the form of counselling to help figure things out.

Exactly this!

Im surprised that the lack of gift has become such a big “thing.” There’s so much happening on the day and they’re so excited about having presents in general my children really wouldn’t notice that uncle so and so didn’t bring a gift. It’s quite sad that a 5 and 10 year old are so hung up on not getting a gift. If the oldest child is sensitive to the situation because the MIL doesn’t treat the children equally, I’d suggest that if anyone is being asked to buy gifts, surely it should be the parents in law? (Not your brother who by all accounts is treating everyone completely equally?)

Your eldest is old enough to understand that her uncle doesn’t do Christmas. It’s shit, but he’s generous in other ways.

If you're so concerned, buy your kids some presents and say they're from your brother. Job done.

As I said - missed the boat with OPs child’s age. For a young one I definitely would do this though - I take it you don’t have Father Christmas or the tooth fairy in your house!

Maybe say you'll pick up the tab from now on...if they could please make your daughters dreams come true?

If I were him l, I'd feel I give enough on a routine basis as well.

He said he wasn't doing presents. Which is quite reasonable.

Your kids need to understand that giving them stuff is not how all people demonstrate that they like each other.

The problem here is expectation. And the fact you also seem bothered by it probably explains that.

Buying gifts for likes in this way is so transactional and false. Far better to be a nice person, which it sounds like your brother is, than to feel the need to buy people stuff so they will like them.

You don’t have control over his autonomy.

It is very mean spirited of them and indicates they don't understand small children. There are lots of small little gifts that cost less than £5 for kids nowadays, it indicates that he does not have a strong enough bond with your children to priortise their feelings. I have family members like this, and although it upsets me I just bad mouth them to other family members that feel the same way about them. That way you get the frustration out of your system without confronting them.

There is absolutely zero correlation between how much someone likes/loves someone and gifts.

I don't understand why people are so obsessed with receiving gifts. Maybe I'm weird on that part. I don't know.

Tell them that your brother is generous throughout the year to you as a family, enabling you to spend money on the kids at Christmas that would have otherwise been spent elsewhere

This! ⬆️ 100%!

He's generous in other ways & has a rule of not buying presents. Whatever you think of that, it's fair enough - it's his choice, he doesn't expect anything back & applies his rule to all, so it's not like he's showing favouritism etc.

You absolutely cannot demand he buys your kids a gift. How would it mean anything if he's forced onto it, anyway??

I had an uncle that didn’t buy gifts for us. My mum explained that he was very generous to us as a family (he once paid for a bathroom renovation because it was badly needed but we could afford it at the time). I loved him despite the lack of gifts, and still do as an adult. It’s not about gifts.

Christ so materialistic and entitled and your teaching your children the same