Can I ask brother to buy presents for my children

[ThatRubyMoose]

My brother and I are quite close, he will text me and I see him for lunch two or three times a month; I can pop into where he works to see him.

He is generous in that if we’re out he will pick up the tab but was always a bit crap when it came to birthdays and Christmas. About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

When we bought a doer upper a couple of years ago I explained to SiL what I had planned when we had the money. They then spent around £500 on what I wanted which was so generous.

My daughters are now saying how upset they are about how both brother and sister in-law don’t get them presents and the older one thinks they dislike her. Their indifference to my daughters upsets me.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

You make it clear to your kids that not everyone gives gifts for Xmas and presents do not equal love.

And no, don't ask him to change his mind. He was quite clear with you. You're being entitled to think he should "step up" for your kids.

Well this is a massive drip feed.

I think in this case you might be reasonable to say to your brother, "DD10 always gets left out by DH's family/gets a visibly smaller gift than her sibling. It would mean a lot if you could get her something small at Xmas." But it would depend on the relationship.

You'd be more reasonable to ask your DH why he doesn't ask his family to treat his SD fairly, and how upsetting it is for a ten year old to see that she's treated as less.

I don't think any of mine would notice specifically if an uncle didn't buy them a present.

Try to explain to the children that some people don't buy presents but are generous in other ways, by helping out practically or sometimes paying for a meal, or by being generous with their time or sympathy. It's a useful lesson to learn, that presents don't necessarily equate to love and care.

Or the op could just buy the present themselves, why is it on the brother?

Multiple threads about family
members

all with one common thread… you having a problem with something they are doing. Whether it’s yet another one about your brother, or about your BIL or about your SC…. On it goes

the problem is… you

But presents are actions. Thinking, finding, buying, wrapping. All effort that shows care

Exactly.

Why don't you explain that your brother already subs you, your SIL has been extremely generous to you and as YOU DONT BUY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR THEM IT WOULD BE GRABBY TO EXPECT THEM TO BUY FOR YOUR FAMILY.

Bloody hell talk about entitled!

I had 2 uncles (my mother's brothers) when I was growing up. One sent my brother and me book tokens for Christmas (these were massively appreciated by us), the other sent nothing. I thought nothing of it, apart from gratitude to the one that did.

It's important that children grow up grateful for what they DO get and not resentful for what they don't.

No, I would just explain that some people don't like exchanging gifts.

I would absolutely challenge your in-laws treating them differently though. It's fine not to buy either gifts, but not to pick and choose between siblings (even if one is related by blood). Did this possibility not come up in conversation before you chose to have another child?

I think your DDs are probably picking up on your upset over this. Regardless, why don't you get something for your DDs on their behalf? And, just let them know...As you say, they are generous in other ways, so this isn't about penny pinching just a preference which you can respect while also catering to your DDs emotional needs.

How many meals do you pay for when you go out with DB? Do you buy expensive birthday or Christmas presents for him? Or randomly give generous amounts of money if you know he’s buying something expensive?

You need to tell your DDs not everyone does Christmas gifts and that’s ok before you make them entitled

I got presents from one of my aunties at Christmas but never anything from the other. It never crossed my mind as a child that I should be getting presents from uncles and aunties.

I'd have a word to your kids about not expecting presents.

the issue isn’t your brother in law, how did you end up with such grabby kids?

For my eldest she does have issues around presents as my in-laws (she is my husband’s stepdaughter) only buy a birthday present for my youngest and a smaller present at Christmas.
I would like my brother to step up for them but he is indifferent. This upsets me but I always kept it to myself now I think they realise it too.

You think your brother should make up for your partner's family treating your oldest differently from their biological grandchild.

If you wanted a partner's family that was going to treat your oldest like their own child's child, you chose wrongly and it's not your brother's responsibility to make up for your choices.

You haven't kept it to yourself because your kids got this entitlement to presents from somewhere and it's most likely you.

Do not ask him! I’ve never bought presents for nieces and nephews and nor has DH bought for his nephews and nieces. In our family, presents are bought to and from grandparents, parents, siblings and your own children. DH wouldn’t even buy for his siblings.

So your real problem is that your DH’s parents don’t treat your daughter from a previous relationship as their Granddaughter. Your DH should be speaking to his parents about this, as you are both married your daughter is now your husband’s daughter too whether they like it or not. Don’t take it out on your DB because of a separate issue with your in-laws.

I actually encourage my siblings not to buy presents as kids always have too much stuff and i don't want them to be too focused on material things - I would instead encourage your brother to spend time with your kids by inviting him to fun activities etc.

Politely Op I agree with the others that your best course of action is detaching being liked and receiving gifts from eachother.

The issue with MiL is a completely separate issue that also needs addressing - I don’t know how long you have all been in eachothers lives, but obviously at least 5+ years. MiL may be being unreasonable but you also can’t make her buy gifts. In this instance to protect DD’s feelings I would likely be buying her a gift myself and saying it was from MiL but I expect the boat may have been missed with this one.

Stop. There is no way you can ask someone to buy presents for your kids without sounding like an utter cf.

Tell your girls that some people 'do' gifts and some people don't and it in no way reflects on how they feel about them. Honestly this is an important life lesson for them and you're bonkers for considering embarrassing yourself in front of your brother rather than telling your kids that they are not automatically entitled to gifts from family members and not to be so entitled.

Ask him not to pay for lunch, save the money to treat tge kids

No, you can’t ask your brother to buy gifts, that’s just plain rude. He’s already said he isn’t doing gifts, respect his decision.

You can’t seriously think it’s okay to ask someone for gifts for your children.

The issue here is that your children are expecting gifts

Weird. My kids are 12 and 15. Neither my brother nor my father has ever bought them a christmas/bday gift and they haven't ever said anything about it. Since they get plenty from us and other family members they probably haven't noticed. They also know that I don't like entitled/spoilt behaviour so if they did think about it they wouldn't bring it up.