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Original poster

Can I ask brother to buy presents for my children

147 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 18/12/2025 19:08

My brother and I are quite close, he will text me and I see him for lunch two or three times a month; I can pop into where he works to see him.

He is generous in that if we’re out he will pick up the tab but was always a bit crap when it came to birthdays and Christmas. About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

When we bought a doer upper a couple of years ago I explained to SiL what I had planned when we had the money. They then spent around £500 on what I wanted which was so generous.

My daughters are now saying how upset they are about how both brother and sister in-law don’t get them presents and the older one thinks they dislike her. Their indifference to my daughters upsets me.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 19/12/2025 19:58

ThatRubyMoose · 18/12/2025 19:08

My brother and I are quite close, he will text me and I see him for lunch two or three times a month; I can pop into where he works to see him.

He is generous in that if we’re out he will pick up the tab but was always a bit crap when it came to birthdays and Christmas. About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

When we bought a doer upper a couple of years ago I explained to SiL what I had planned when we had the money. They then spent around £500 on what I wanted which was so generous.

My daughters are now saying how upset they are about how both brother and sister in-law don’t get them presents and the older one thinks they dislike her. Their indifference to my daughters upsets me.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

You could ask him and i think hed agree, but I actually think youd better of explaining that presents dont equate love. Their uncle doesn't do presents but loves you very much.

I imagine they are used to you always buying their dinner so wont appreciate how generous it is when he does. And I think this is a learning opportunity for them that people who love them dont have to give them stuff and people willing to give them stuff might not love them

Jeneva2025 · 19/12/2025 20:02

ThatRubyMoose · 18/12/2025 19:08

My brother and I are quite close, he will text me and I see him for lunch two or three times a month; I can pop into where he works to see him.

He is generous in that if we’re out he will pick up the tab but was always a bit crap when it came to birthdays and Christmas. About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

When we bought a doer upper a couple of years ago I explained to SiL what I had planned when we had the money. They then spent around £500 on what I wanted which was so generous.

My daughters are now saying how upset they are about how both brother and sister in-law don’t get them presents and the older one thinks they dislike her. Their indifference to my daughters upsets me.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

Your kids ARE rather entitled! Nip.that in the bud.

LML1989AL · 19/12/2025 20:02

ThatRubyMoose · 18/12/2025 19:08

My brother and I are quite close, he will text me and I see him for lunch two or three times a month; I can pop into where he works to see him.

He is generous in that if we’re out he will pick up the tab but was always a bit crap when it came to birthdays and Christmas. About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

When we bought a doer upper a couple of years ago I explained to SiL what I had planned when we had the money. They then spent around £500 on what I wanted which was so generous.

My daughters are now saying how upset they are about how both brother and sister in-law don’t get them presents and the older one thinks they dislike her. Their indifference to my daughters upsets me.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

Jesus Christ, of course you can’t ask him, he set a clear and firm boundary, not to mention he is clearly generous outside of the boundary.

Imagine if you and your husband said “we aren’t doing presents as we have lots of work to do on our doer upper” but because you spent money on the doer upper people just ignored your boundary & asked you buy gifts anyway.

Get a grip & tell your kids to get a grip.

Greyrock2828 · 19/12/2025 20:03

Is there a back story here? Why did he stop buying presents? Do they have kids? I posted on here recently as we've stopped buying for nieces and nephews. We live abroad, and felt like we made a lot of effort to see DH family, keep in touch, travel to see them, remember eveey kids birthday, send cards and presents on time even from abroad........then we had our own son and when they have sent cards and presents (hit and miss sometimes they do sometimes they don't) it can be 2 months late, or merges with Christmas to be a combined present, or it's a hand me down toy that their kids had, but they want us to pay the postage to send it, or they say it's too expensive to send a gift because of the postage - they've also never visited in 7+ years except for 1 time we rented an appartment near us for a season and they wanted a free place to stay, but again contributed nothing and expected to have everything paid for.........we came to the conclusion that they are a bunch of CF. So we told them no presents from now on, but we will do a family activity when we see them next time. I think this year what really did it is DS being diagnosed with a LT disability and noone on that side of the family messaging or bothered but then sent a list of presents/cash they wanted us to send for the kids for Christmas. Also will add whenever we have sent stuff, rarely get a thank you or acknowledgement. So rude.

Laura95167 · 19/12/2025 20:05

ThatRubyMoose · 18/12/2025 19:58

They are five and almost ten. They have no memory of him buying anything for them.

I have told them that he doesn’t buy anything at Christmas and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for them, not that I think he does particularly.

They will buy something for me if I invite them somewhere for my birthday, always expensive but if I don’t celebrate or ask them somewhere it will be ignored.

For my eldest she does have issues around presents as my in-laws (she is my husband’s stepdaughter) only buy a birthday present for my youngest and a smaller present at Christmas.

I would like my brother to step up for them but he is indifferent. This upsets me but I always kept it to myself now I think they realise it too.

I think youd be better off addressing ILs. At Christmas they should be getting both girls imo even if its just a token selection box.

But I do think that makes it more important she understands not to equate love with gifts

FallingDownARabbitHole · 19/12/2025 20:05

Can’t u just tell your children not to be so greedy and entitled? They are not owed presents from anyone.

matercatta · 19/12/2025 20:11

You’ve had good advice here! Your kids need not to equate presents with love (and, perhaps, so do you). To add, buying presents isn’t “stepping up”. Stepping up is helping if someone is unwell, or someone needs support with something, or being there when you’re needed. It’s not “oh the girls would like a present, open your wallet”!

Lamentingalways · 19/12/2025 20:13

I have a current post about my child becoming (possibly) entitled. I think that your brother is being fair in that he doesn’t buy for either child and you should just restate that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about them otherwise you run the risk of your child becoming entitled. I do think you should tackle the in-laws and that your husband should be the one to do this. They are being unfair because they are treating the children differently. I would say that the ‘biological’ child will not be given the present unless the other child has received one on their birthday / Christmas.

oobedobe · 19/12/2025 20:33

I think it is strange that your DDs are focused on this issue, it sounds like they have overheard you discussing it or you have accidently mentioned no present from uncle on other christmases.

My DDs don't get many presents from family as we live overseas. With my brother's family we just exchange a family gift such as a game they can play.

With my husbands DB we don't exchange anything. None of the kids care. They all get plenty of nice things and do not feel they are owed a gift.

I always make sure my DDs thank their grandparents etc for anything but I doubt they could tell you after a few weeks who brought them what.

Christmaseree · 19/12/2025 20:37

Do DC really think like that? They sound extremely entitled and I’d be nipping that in the bud.

Askingforafriendtoday · 19/12/2025 20:43

shhblackbag · 18/12/2025 19:16

I'd just explain to my kids that not everyone buys presents and presents aren't a sign of liking or not liking someone.

Agree. Because it isn't. And that's a good thing to learn.

And no, you shouldn't ask him.

Edited

This

CutePixieGirl · 19/12/2025 20:43

Of course you don’t. You explain to your children exactly what your brother has told you and that he and your SIL are generous in other ways.

Your children need to learn the lesson that it’s very rude to ask and they shouldn’t just expect gifts from people. And try to manipulate by saying it’s because he doesn’t like them! My children would have received a good talking to immediately if they had ever behaved in such a way.

RisingSunn · 19/12/2025 20:50

Your focus should be on ensuring your children don’t feel entitled to gifts from others.

Definitely nip that in the bud.

Enigma54 · 19/12/2025 20:54

Have your kids heard you discussing this subject with your husband or anyone else? Otherwise it’s quite a strange thing to come from young children?

Pancakeorcrepe · 19/12/2025 20:56

Don’t embarrass yourself! And keep your children in check with regards to being entitled

Thepossibility · 19/12/2025 20:58

I think this is a good opportunity to teach your kids that they aren't owed presents. I would be a bit worried if my children were talking like that. They should be greatful and thank people who do give them gifts but definitely not expect them! That is verging into spoilt and entitled territory and you need to nip that in the bud, not try and get your brother to fall into line!
Your issue with your in-laws is totally seperate and is your issue to solve, not your brothers.
In fact wouldn't it be creating another issue of potential favouritism if he buys one child a bigger present than the other to try and make up for (YOUR) in-law issue? Bonkers.

toobeautifulforwords · 19/12/2025 21:05

You need to teach your kids that relationships are not based on gifts. That’s it.

pineapplesundae · 19/12/2025 21:05

He’s not indifferent. It’s not his thing. Many people feel that the holiday season is too commercialize and choose not to participate in it. Maybe invite your brother and sil to do an experience such as ice skating followed by pizza and let that be their present, spending time together.

pineapplesundae · 19/12/2025 21:08

If you have been sending out this message to your children you need to correct yourself right now! Teach them the gift is in the giving.

RobertaFirmino · 19/12/2025 21:18

Why on earth haven't you already explained that love is not about presents? Or that millions of children all around the world get sweet FA at Christmas? You don't seriously want your children to have this attitude do you?

BauhausOfEliott · 19/12/2025 21:24

PollyBell · 18/12/2025 20:08

Or the op could just buy the present themselves, why is it on the brother?

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Exactly. It’s really odd to expect the brother to step in and make amends for the shitty grandparents who are nothing to do with him.

Waspalert · 19/12/2025 22:36

Your children sound very entitled! There are so many children who just don’t get presents; perhaps helping your children to understand this might make them realise just how lucky they are!

My brother can’t afford to buy his 12 nieces and nephews presents, but there is never any expectation that this is expected so he doesn’t feel awkward turning up without presents. I think it’s time to help your children to think outwards.

Chinsupmeloves · 19/12/2025 22:40

Growing up i rarely got presents from uncles or aunties, just cards as half the family lived further away and I was happy to get them.

Now, being very close to my siblings, we always get nieces and nephews presents and celebrate together ❤️

In laws don't bring presents or cards, occasionally, so not expected anymore. Just the way it is, not that DC have noticed or questioned it, because they don't see them as often as you may see your brother.

It would be nice if he did but he doesn't so just say he's not into it but treats you other times. Xx

Crunched · 19/12/2025 22:56

The issue with MiL is a completely separate issue that also needs addressing - I don’t know how long you have all been in eachothers lives, but obviously at least 5+ years. MiL may be being unreasonable but you also can’t make her buy gifts. In this instance to protect DD’s feelings I would likely be buying her a gift myself and saying it was from MiL but I expect the boat may have been missed with this one.
Op said PIL, why is only MIL mentioned here?
Maybe your eldest is particularly sensitive because she is aware that her Father/paternal family are not involved in Christmas/Birthday traditions? Sadly, even if this is the case, your DB and SIL are innocent of behaving inappropriately.

MrsJeanLuc · 19/12/2025 22:58

Btowngirl · 18/12/2025 20:28

Politely Op I agree with the others that your best course of action is detaching being liked and receiving gifts from eachother.

The issue with MiL is a completely separate issue that also needs addressing - I don’t know how long you have all been in eachothers lives, but obviously at least 5+ years. MiL may be being unreasonable but you also can’t make her buy gifts. In this instance to protect DD’s feelings I would likely be buying her a gift myself and saying it was from MiL but I expect the boat may have been missed with this one.

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I would likely be buying her a gift myself and saying it was from MiL

Sorry, but that's a TERRIBLE idea. For a start it's blatant lying (way to ruin your daughter's trust in you). And secondly, it's likely to engender resentment in the younger daughter.

OP, doesn't your older daughter get any presents from her dad and/or his family?