Can I ask brother to buy presents for my children

[ThatRubyMoose]

My brother and I are quite close, he will text me and I see him for lunch two or three times a month; I can pop into where he works to see him.

He is generous in that if we’re out he will pick up the tab but was always a bit crap when it came to birthdays and Christmas. About six years ago he and Sister-in-Law just announced that they weren’t going to do presents and to be fair did not expect any.

When we bought a doer upper a couple of years ago I explained to SiL what I had planned when we had the money. They then spent around £500 on what I wanted which was so generous.

My daughters are now saying how upset they are about how both brother and sister in-law don’t get them presents and the older one thinks they dislike her. Their indifference to my daughters upsets me.

Given that he is so generous in other ways would I come over as rude and entitled with rude and entitled kids to ask him to get them something?

@ThatRubyMoose Oh and don't hesitate to compensate and buy an extra gift for your eldest daughter. But tell both of them that they shouldn't "expect" gifts from anyone except their parents. Your brother doesn't want the hassle of buying gifts but seem generous. Don't embarrass yourself by telling him to buy your dd gifts.

I think your kids entitled attitude come from you. I actually am in awe with your brother. He is pragmatic and practical, instead of giving your kids cheap plastic tat that they will forget it exits the next day and end up in the landfil he picks up tbe tab for a meal out and gifts things you need for the house, very expensive things as you said he spent £500. I think many people would rather have your brother's gifting then toys to add to the pile. You can ask your brother and he might buy gifts for your kids and be prepared to kiss goodbye his spontaneous generosity and to pick up your own tab at the restaurant.

Your SIL is irrelevant, if your brother wanted to buy presents he would, but he doesn’t so it would be very rude to ask.

You should be managing your children’s expectations better. Neither of them should have a sense of entitlement of presents from an uncle, and your eldest is old enough to understand that she and her sister have different grandparents, and it is very kind of her step grandparents to buy her a gift.

FIL gave us a chunk of money towards a family holiday and doesnt buy birthdag gifts for the kids. We just explain that to them that he does give us gifts but different kinds.
They contributes to your kids having a lovely home, you should explain that to them.

We teach our children that they have autonomy and never have to do things to please someone else but now you're saying your brother should be made to do just that. No, you can't ask him to buy your kids presents just because they want them. Explain to your children that's his choice and it's his to make.

Dont ask your brother for presents when he has said he isn’t.

Remind your grabby girls how kind and generous he has been in other ways to you.

Do you buy your brother and SIL presents?

YABU and completely cheeky.

Explain to your children that they aren’t owed present from anyone and that material things don’t equal love.

Your kids don’t need presents they want them. There’s a big difference.

Op start parenting or you will end up with entitled kids, thinking no one likes them if they dont get gifts for them.
They will grow to materialistic adults.
If this is the way kids are raised nowdays thank god i didnt have any.

YABU and frankly way out of line.

At most maybe ask your brother if he’d be okay with you buying a present and saying it’s from them.

Not the same but DD and I live abroad with no immediate family and it used to make her really sad that she’d only have presents from me. It wasn’t the amount, it was the fact it was just from me, so for a while (while she was too young to understand) I got her a couple more presents and said they were from my mum and my brother.

They knew about it, it’s just that with the costs of shipping it would make no sense for them to waste money like that on stuff that will likely be forgotten quick enough.

Do they buy presents for him?

Do they like him?

If they don't buy presents and do like him, then how do they get to the point that he doesn't like them because he doesn't buy presents? Someone must have put that idea into their heads.

For my eldest she does have issues around presents as my in-laws (she is my husband’s stepdaughter) only buy a birthday present for my youngest and a smaller present at Christmas.

This is by far the bigger issue and really sad for her. I think this is the one you and DH should be addressing. It’s not your brother’s responsibility to fix her issues.

“Uncle Jack isn’t a present buying kind of guy, but he’s very fond of you both.” End of conversation.

It’s a shame but you can’t force it.

I’d be gutted if my kids thought like this

Step up for them? He’s not their dad, he has no stepping up to do.

You need to be firm with your kids; entitlement won’t get them anywhere in life.

My kids don’t get presents from one side of the family, they have zero problem with this as it’s always been that way.

Im going to guess you’ve been saying stuff about it around them and they’ve picked up on it. Not cool.

One of my uncles didn’t buy for us as kids. It literally never entered my head to question it.

Kids sound a bit grabby.

My sil expected dh to step up following the death of their father. She thought dh being well off meant he should spoil her boys, he didn’t think like that - her boys got a normal gift but it turned out that she must have expected some kind of wealth bonus for her kids because we were fully told off. We were quite horrified at her expectations- we didn’t over indulge our own kids and we hadn’t considered it was our job to do it for hers. It had a very negative effect on family relations, we stopped inviting everyone out for lunch on us, we are happy to give but it’s on our terms. Some stuff you just don’t forget.

Two things.

One - tell the kids it's nothing personal.
Two - casually mention to your brother, without applying pressure, that the kids have interpreted this as he doesn't like them. I know if it was me I'd probably want to know.

I think this is the hidden side of our "suit yourself" culture. You can absolutely suit yourself, but you can't control how other people will interpret or respond to that. I don't expect many people will agree with me, but it's not an unreasonable assumption that gift giving or lack thereof is associated with goodwill and liking someone.

Buy them something & say it’s from him

Of course you can't ask him. He doesn't believe in duty presents but only spontaneous ones. Your children shouldn't expect presents.
I suspect they are picking up on what you think. Do not ask your brother. It is rude.

My kids aunt doesnt buy them. Never has. They have never cared or noticed.

You dont value people for what they buy you

Of course you can't do that.

I never received presents from any of my aunts and uncles at Christmas - it never once occurred to me to get upset about it

You should be incredibly grateful for the generosity your DB and SIL show, and teach your children that giving gifts does not equal love.

It’s really not on your brother or DH’s family to ‘step up’ for your eldest. It’s your and DH’s job to compensate if her father is not involved (which I’m assuming is the case).

Explain to your daughters how generous your brother is. Please please don’t ask him to buy them presents.

I never got gifts from.my aunts or uncles. My mother wouldnt dream of entertaining such a request from me.

Really Op thats cheeky and rude.