Pregnancy and he doesnt want it

[hurtslikealego]

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with my partner. When we got together we spoke about wanting kids- we were both on the same page, that having a family were important to us both and we often spoke about it over the years, him bringing it up more than me. Between working abroad, masters degree etc. it never seemed the right time, but the reasons felt legitimate not future faking.

Fast forward to today and I am accidentally pregnant, he is shocked (aren't we both) and adamant he doesn't want it.

What I can't get my head around is did he ever want kids or was he saying he did to keep me on the hook (but then why was he the one over the years bringing it up)? Does he want kids, but not see a long term future with me and this has made him realise that, but then why isn't he breaking up with me? I'm trying to give him space to tell me what he wants, but he isn't actually making any decision at all.

Ok he's known for 2 weeks. He said he doesnt want it. What have you said to him? I think you need to be totally clear if you have made a decision. He needs to know that you have decided to keep the baby. You would like to continue your relationship (and you might want to speed up marriage for the legal protection - you are the person more likely to drop earnings post baby). Be calm and neutral and make it clear you dont expect an immediate answer. You arent going to change your mind so he can take a couple of weeks to make up his mind. But you need certainty before baby arrives. So at that point you need to knownif he is in or out.

Its relevant as it reinforces (maybe) just how much he didn’t want a pregnancy, and how proactive he was willing to be to prevent one.
And protection doesn’t just mean condoms.

Tell his parents if they're supportive and friendly to you. They can support you both and give him a dose of reality and responsibility
If he is treating you nicely and buying you prenatal vitamins etc he's probably just in shock
Are you the first to have kids in your friend group?
Are you both living in uk? Could you go and stay with your parents over Xmas and tell him you're keeping it end of and you just think he needs time to wrap his head around it, so in the break apart from each other he needs to get his act together and decide if he wants in or out. Nothing in life works on a perfect timeline so he needs to accept that
He's probably shocked and wanted it all planned out first eg marriage etc holidays.. hopefully that's the case anyway! That's the benefit of the doubt

Have you asked him why he's changed his tune?

He says he doesn't think we're ready, but wont give specifics as to why. Either way it feels like a pretty weak reason to terminate a pregnancy, and I wouldn't want to be with him anyway if he forced that (not that he could).

Is he pushing you to terminate? You sound like someone who wouldn't be pushed into something they are uncomfortable with but just checking you don't feel under pressure here.

Also, to be fair to him he may realise that if you are going to have the baby he is going to be a father whether he wants that or not. Either he can have that whilst also being in a relationship with you, or by himself, but he will be getting financial (and emotional, though I guess if he's awful he can absent himself from that) responsibilities either way.

The real question for you is if you stay together does he become more than an unethusiastic father - I do think it sometimes takes people time and so you may not know the answer until you have your child which is hard.

Sounds like he's got cold feet. I know more than one woman who got pregnant and was encouraged to terminate, yet the men stayed when they didn't 🤷‍♀️

Honestly? I’d start sorting out a new living situation now. You are a mother now, even before the baby’s birth, and the baby is your top priority now. He/she needs to be born to a calm, peaceful mum, which will not happen if you’re still navigating a stalemate situation with your manchild of a partner. He doesn’t want the baby? Fine. Take the decision out of his hands. He doesn’t get to be the main character any more.

Please do not bring an innocent baby home to a father who does not want him/her. Stop waiting for him to decide and start protecting your child.

Oh, and a man who claims you’re both “not ready” at 32 is most likely a future faker. He intended to run out your biological clock and now that plan has been scuppered and he’s panicking. I’d put money on it. I’m a fair bit older than you and I’ve seen plenty of women get messed about by supposedly “good” men.

Oh, and a man who claims you’re both “not ready” at 32 is most likely a future faker. He intended to run out your biological clock and now that plan has been scuppered and he’s panicking. I’d put money on it.

Yep, this.

It's been 2 weeks. He's not in shock anymore. You say his behaviour has been beyond reproach but telling you to have an abortion is the complete opposite of that. He's fucking with your head.

Having a baby and the newborn stage was the hardest thing I've ever done. You will not have the energy to leave him then. You'll be stuck in a horrible relationship, doing 100% of the work, and it will take everything you've got to leave him down the line.

Better to leave now.

I had been married to my exhusband for less time than you have been with your partner when I fell pregnant. I clearly remember calling him and telling I had done a pregnancy test and his first words were something like "I suppose your not going to give me a choice and have an abortion", we had been having unprotected sex because I thought we had been trying.
I'll be honest and say my pregnancy was so lonely, he spent every weekend away with friends or doing his own thing. He was ok in the week and I would get my head around the fact he was going to be fine and then he wasn't. We had a growth scan at 28wks and he said he didn't love the baby. The list goes on, he did cry when she was born but he got over that and then went back to his old ways.......
I guess what I would say is that you need to think really hard about staying with him. If you continue and he's only half in its going to be a tough journey. You are going to resent being with someone who is half of your baby who won't love it the way you can. If you leave him you may still be lonely but you can make your own choices and plans that suit you not him.

This. Wait for the pressure and the guilting to start. If it does, you will need to protect yourself OP

I’m thinking that his ‘nice’ behaviour is trying to get you to do what he wants. When it’s clear you’re keeping the baby, he might turn pretty nasty so be prepared for that and then ask yourself if this is the guy you really want a relationship with (and, if he turns nasty, you’re potentially in for a lifetime of woe if you share an unwanted child with him).

I hope it works out for you both - but be prepared to put yourself and the baby first.

Your baby deserves to live in a home where s/he is loved by everyone. You’ve just had a shock revelation about your partner - he doesn’t want children, even though he said he did - and it makes me wonder what else there might be that you don’t know about him. I’d find somewhere else to live and not tell him you’re leaving until you’re actually gone.

Was he responsible for contraception?

He only said that at first, he hasn't brought it up again. His behaviour doesn't match what he said, and he hasn't said it again.

On the future faking, I would believe that if I had been the one asking the question and bringing it up and he felt he had to say the right things to keep me- but he was the one talking about kids more often than not.

I've been pretty clear. I don't think there is any confusion on that.

So you need to make next steps. It’s been 2 weeks and he’s told you he doesn’t want it. You do . So time to move things. Contact estate agents and get viewings going on flats/houses. Work out what you can afford etc and go. He’s not going to change his mind and it’s his house so you beee to leave.

I can understand the 'oh shit I'm not ready' feeling. I felt like that after getting pregnant and considered termination. It went from a lovely theoretical idea where you think about the nice things about a baby, to suddenly all the things that I'd have to give up and all the shit parts being real.

But the reason I didn't terminate was I knew I wanted kids at some point, and suspected that I'd never feel truly 'ready', suspected that I'd always have a 'wtf have I done' feeling that I'd get over when the baby was there, and realistically I was ready 'on paper'(good job, house, age, relationship etc) and so there weren't any practical things I could change in the next few years to make me 'more ready'...also I suspected that future me may regret it if I did decide to have another child, that I'd terminated without a proper reason. So we had the baby.

I think these are the things he needs to work though. What is he not ready for? No one is 'ready' for the shitty parts of parenthood, no one relishes the thought of broken sleep etc and feels like they can't wait for every aspect. So is he just realising the reality of children and doesn't actually want them full stop? And if not, what steps would he want to take to make him 'ready'? And why can't he make these changes in the next 9 months? You both need brutally honest communication here. If he had genuinely changed his mind, he probably can't help how he feels but he needs to realise the consequences of this and that he will be in this child's life in some form even if he doesn't want a full time parent relationship

I don't understand.

I don't want the baby but I don't want to break up = I want you to have an abortion or we break up. Baby won't magically disappear otherwise.

I was about a year older than you when this happened to us. He panicked.

I was very clear, this is happening, choose now if you're in or out. No bullshit. Either man up and be a proper dad, or GTFO.

He came around and the kid is now 7, we have a lovely life and a second child too.

Sometimes it is just panic, and you say yourself he's always wanted kids. Give him some time, it might turn out fine. But don't let him fuck you around.

He sounds like he was future faking - himself if no-one else.

he probably liked the idea of it. In the same way people always say they’ll start going to the gym 5 times a week , but don’t ever actually start.

or I think some guys just think it’s what women want to hear…

It’s good you are clear about what you want. I wouldn’t give up the baby for him.

This is exactly what he’s doing op. It’s pretty clear.

This is what I want to do, I just don't know how much time to give him before I start building a life without him.

I'm so pleased it worked out for you.

Not the right time at 32?…. Maybe he is just panicking that he won’t be good enough… what’s his relationship with his own dad like?
I think you need to get the first scan booked, have the scan and then reassess… it might hit home once he sees the baby growing inside you and hears the heartbeat!… then will come telling parents and friends etc…
Maybe after you tell parents and they’re
excited he’ll realise how exciting this is?
I think I’d give him a few months … say till after the scan to come round .. if he doesn’t after he’s seen/heard it then you’ve got a decision to make.
huge congrats and goodluck