Pregnancy and he doesnt want it

[hurtslikealego]

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with my partner. When we got together we spoke about wanting kids- we were both on the same page, that having a family were important to us both and we often spoke about it over the years, him bringing it up more than me. Between working abroad, masters degree etc. it never seemed the right time, but the reasons felt legitimate not future faking.

Fast forward to today and I am accidentally pregnant, he is shocked (aren't we both) and adamant he doesn't want it.

What I can't get my head around is did he ever want kids or was he saying he did to keep me on the hook (but then why was he the one over the years bringing it up)? Does he want kids, but not see a long term future with me and this has made him realise that, but then why isn't he breaking up with me? I'm trying to give him space to tell me what he wants, but he isn't actually making any decision at all.

I don't want to end the relationship if he is processing and trying to come to terms with the situation- which is what part of me hopes because what he is saying is currently so different to what he's said previously. I don't know what to believe from him, which is why I can't make the call.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!

Can you take a few days away somewhere nice? Are you all set with things like space and maternity leave?

Unless he wants you to end it so he doesn’t have to tell his friends & family that he walked out because you got pregnant….. Not many ways you can spin that to look like the good guy.

He’s staying because atm it’s easier than trying to find somewhere else to live ?? He’s hoping you’ll change your mind / miscarry ?
He’s not burned or father material whatever happens so perhaps you should make the call. Why does he get to decide ? Tell him to go

And congratulations.

Oh yes probably this

We're both 32, so not so young.

For the person asking why we aren't married, we've been working abroad and didn't want to consider organising a wedding away from family. It didn't seem to fit at the time.

Take your time. See how it sits with both of you. My guess is that in 6 weeks time you will both be in a different place.

So you only found out today and it was a complete accident? Obviously his reaction isn't what you would hope for. But at this stage I'd put it down to shock. I don't think he is going to give you any sensible answers until he processed.

I was in shock when I got pregnant and I was trying!! (I just assumed it would take a lot longer!)

How is he treating you? Is he acting like he normally would, being pleasant and considerate. Or is massively in a huff, trying to force a conversation/pressure you, and generally being a dick?

If it's the latter then it's probably best he goes and stays with a friend/relative/in a hotel while he does his processing. It's okay to have a wobble when faced with a major life change but it's not okay to take it out on other people.

I'm sorry OP but i think this is appalling behaviour from him - his partner of 5 years is pregnant with his child - your 32, not 20. He should be fully supportive of whatever decision you make, put his big boy pants on and accept he needs to take responsibility for his family- you and the baby. Tell him to grow the hell up.

None of us can know what is in his head but if he has only just found out I would give him a little more time maybe.
When my husband found out I was pregnant he didn’t say it quite as explicitly, but I’m sure he felt this way. He supported me in a sort of detached way during the pregnancy and didn’t like to discuss it. From when our child was about 2 weeks old he had completely doted on her. She’s now 3 and his love for her grows bigger each day. He turn s to me at least once a day and tells me what an amazing person she is and that if he had known from the beginning that our child would be her, he never would have had any doubts. It was the fear of the unknown.

You have made a firm decision. You need to communicate it to him. He will be waiting out hoping that you change your mind and pick him over the baby.

His speculative talk in the past is all irrelevant now. Don’t bother raking over it.

Was he wearing a condom?

Are you still working abroad? Is he enjoying being abroad and doesnt want a lifestyle change?

FGS keep the child you want to have!

If you terminate a wanted pregnancy, you are likely to regret it badly. And so what? You can stay with this guy and never have children? Or end up breaking up anyway because you want different things?

It's annoying, but whether he was stringing you along or just got cold feet, is irrelevant x

A, how is this relevant or helpful? Will it magically undo the pregnancy or this man's reaction?

and

B, OP already said upthread they were using protection.

He's being more doting and considerate to me than normal. He's always been kind, but he is being very attentive. We've known for two weeks and his day-to-day behaviour to me (aside from not wanting the pregnancy and being unsupportive) has been beyond reproach.

That's good, it would be even more awful if he was being a twat to you.

Having said that, if he's had two weeks to think about it then it's probably cards on table time and a calm discussion of "I'm having this baby, you can either get onboard with that and we can be a family, or you can move out" and then leave it in his court.

Could you ever forgive him if you didn't keep it. Would there be resentment and anger? The relationship is now fundamentally changed no matter what you decide to do.
So decide what you want as a one person decision. Because either way you could end up losing the relationship. So now it really is for you to decide alone and then see if your relationship survives the decision.

Well that is something but could mean that he is hoping to persuade you a relationship with him is more important.

You need to make it clear that you are keeping the baby and see how that impacts his behaviour.

Do not inflict a father not wanting a child on a baby within an ongoing relationship.
Better you split up.

What’s your housing situation OP? Whose name is the mortgage/lease in?

And have you actually asked him the questions you are asking here - why has he changed his mind about kids? How does he think continuing the relationship when he doesn’t want the baby is going to work?

Assuming you live together? Do you rent/own? Because if he ultimately decides that he can’t cope with a baby, you need to consider where you and the baby live. I can’t imagine the relationship is tenable given his current thoughts.

It’s a very odd situation given he knows you intend to continue with the pregnancy, particularly with him behaving so loving towards you currently. What does he think is going to happen when the baby is born? Is he just going to shelve all responsibility?

The house we live in is tied to his work, but I own my own property that is rented out. I can use the rent from that to cover a rental property for me or look to serve notice on my tenants. I have options, but they all require a bit of a long-term commitment, so ideally I do need to know what he plans for us.

I have no idea what he thinks is going to happen, and what he is saying is at odds with his behaviour. It's why I am so confused.

Given his about turn on wanting children, I wouldn’t hang about. The baby will be here before you know it and he or she needs a happy, unstressed mum. Stuff what he wants and hoping against hope that he’ll suddenly have a realisation that he does finally actually want dc.