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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH being awful when I’m not well?

145 replies

umumum · 18/12/2025 17:47

I’ve been diagnosed with flu. It’s knocked me out. I’ve been in bed for 4 days, throwing up, temp at 39, the worst chesty cough, insomnia, aching, unable to move. I dragged myself to the doctors because I genuinely thought I was dying.

DH had a cough last week and a temp. He’s been able to go to work, gym and eat normally. I did help him last week when he wasn’t well, getting him cough syrup and making his dinners.

This week obviously I’m no good to him. Yesterday he told me I needed to try and eat so he made me toast. I threw it up in a bowl by our bed. He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

Today he’s said I’m a “hypochondriac”, and that I “like” being unwell? He also said I’m weak because he had the same illness and was able to keep on working and with his life.

This morning I’ve been eating dry plain crackers and my stomach is rumbling. I asked him if we had any rice in. He said “why do you need rice? You’ve been eating all day?”. Then he said because I’ve not been doing anything today I shouldn’t need to eat.

He keeps saying my name with exasperation and then saying “you need more energy, you just need to focus on something else apart from being unwell”. I find it hard to do anything, but he’s said I need to read a book, wrap presents or go for a walk.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well, but all of this today made me cry.

now he’s flounced off to the shop and is saying I need to drink a coffee to perk myself up.

aibu to think this is a typical male response to a woman’s illness??? Feel like because I can’t run around after him I’m a burden

OP posts:
Purplewarrior · 18/12/2025 17:50

No it isn’t typical of all men. Just the shitty ones.

blankcanvas3 · 18/12/2025 17:51

This isn’t a normal reaction to being unwell. He should be looking after you, not berating you. I’m sick in bed today so DH worked from home and has been checking on me all day and being extra sweet/bringing me what I need or ask for.

Tell him he can fuck off for a walk and wrap the presents

Hairgician · 18/12/2025 17:52

Hes being a knob.

Hope you feel better soon.

anytipswelcome · 18/12/2025 17:53

What a fucking arsehole. So sorry Op, that’s awful. It’s frighteningly common for men to do this based on threads I see on here, so depressing. Really hope you feel better soon.

Person93369 · 18/12/2025 17:54

No. My husband isn’t great at nursing me when I’m sick but he wouldn’t try to gaslight me into thinking I wasn’t sick to suit him. This isn’t a normal response. He’s a selfish man indeed.

Iloveacurry · 18/12/2025 17:55

Yep he’s a dickhead. Poor man child needs to fend for himself. Boo hoo.

Meadowfinch · 18/12/2025 17:58

Suddenly he's not the centre of attention and is behaving like a petulant toddler. Ignore him. Stay in bed and rest. Drink warm lemon barley water and don't rush or you will make yourself more ill.

When you are better, perhaps think about whether you really want to share your life with someone who doesn't care that you are ill.

BashfulClam · 18/12/2025 18:04

No it’s not typical of men. My husband asks what I need and brings me water and medication if I need it. He send me to bed and sleeps in the spare room to let me rest. A few years ago I got a d&v bug and he did all the laundry and shopping and brought me ice lollies, water and toast when my stomach started to settle. I thanked him for doing all the house work on his own and he looked at me like I was mad and said ‘I’m a grown man I think I know how to run the house’,

I had pneumonia last year and he made me a ‘nest’ on the sofa and let me watch my favourite tv shows without moaning about them. Set an alarm on his phone for when next antibiotic was due and made soup.

I would do the same for him. I’d dump this one on as imagine of you ever got really ill he’d be at your bedside in hospital claiming you were bring dramatic. Or he’d not bother to visit you as you are faking it.

bondsy · 18/12/2025 18:09

Wow this is really not normal OP! I don’t expect my DH to wait on me hand and foot when I’m unwell but at the very least some sympathy, understanding and help to give food and fluids. Where is the love in his actions? It sounds like nasty/impatient undertones in his actions instead. I hope you feel better soon

LemaxObsessive · 18/12/2025 18:14

My dad was like this whenever:

• Mum was ill,
• Either of us kids were so ill that we needed looking after,
• Any one of us had a birthday and even worse if we had a little party,
• Every Christmas morning without fail,
• Any day out literally anywhere.
Basically, any time either my mum’s attention wasn’t on him or anything was going on that was out of the ordinary that meant the centre of attention wasn’t him. It honestly was like clockwork. To this day, many years after my dad’s death, my mum still feels guilty whenever she’s unwell.

This is not love, OP. 💔

LemaxObsessive · 18/12/2025 18:14

My dad was like this whenever:

• Mum was ill,
• Either of us kids were so ill that we needed looking after,
• Any one of us had a birthday and even worse if we had a little party,
• Every Christmas morning without fail,
• Any day out literally anywhere.
Basically, any time either my mum’s attention wasn’t on him or anything was going on that was out of the ordinary that meant the centre of attention wasn’t him. It honestly was like clockwork. To this day, many years after my dad’s death, my mum still feels guilty whenever she’s unwell.

This is not love, OP. 💔

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 18/12/2025 18:16

Ltb and don't look back.. He sounds a complete arsehole...

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 18/12/2025 18:20

My husband waits on me hand and foot when I am ill! This is not normal behaviour OP and you shouldn’t accept it.

umumum · 18/12/2025 18:22

I’m just so upset that he’s making out I’m exaggerating or liking being unwell. He’s seen me throw up, he’s heard my cough, he’s took my temperature… i can’t fake those things.

I also asked him to get me some medication yesterday in liquid form as I can’t swallow the tablets. He brought back the tablets.

I don’t want much, even if he just left me alone and stopped trying to make me do stuff. He’s said I “must” get a shower tonight

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 18/12/2025 18:26

He is not a good man. I’ve got a bad cold. I’ve had lunch made, been kept supplied with drinks and meds and well looked after. I’m thankful I’m not married to your H.

BMW6 · 18/12/2025 18:29

He's a thoroughly poisonous CUNT OP.

Can a family member or friend come and get you away to their house for a few days to be properly looked after?

Please rethink your situation when you are well again.

YourSnifferDogsAreShite · 18/12/2025 18:29

Men like this will leave you if you get cancer or anything serious like that.

Eyeshadow · 18/12/2025 18:30

Remind him that people caught Covid and didn’t even know they had it, whilst others caught it and were hospitalised or died.

Is he that dumb that he doesn’t realise that illnesses affect people differently.

Do you have kids?
How does it affect him if you spend 4 days in bed?

If I didn’t have kids then I’d choose to spend a lot of time in bed because I am a grown adult and can do whatever I want.

Lordofthewing · 18/12/2025 18:32

I’m sorry OP, sending love and hoping you recover soon.

The last two days I have been Struggling with stomach cramps, heavy cold/shivering and the other joys that have come with it. Not a single offer of making me or the kids a meal, not that he can cook but a simple butter toast for me /a simple pasta for kids would have been appreciated.
I have managed to make the kids a meal in between being doubled over with cramps and have retreated back to the sofa.
I have diabetes as well and although I am not on medication, some days I feel quite tired with it and there is never any concern shown, just a cheery “you’ll be fine”…. While I try to struggle on. The irony being that his mother is a diabetic and he has all the sympathy in the world for her, lots of understanding reassurances and the like.

Rooroobear · 18/12/2025 18:34

I can’t say this loud enough……WHAT.A.DICK

Defrostedmariahcarey · 18/12/2025 18:34

No it’s not a typical response
when I had Covid a few weeks back my dh had my kids bringing me drinks, checking on me every hour and he went out of his way to do extra, washing, cooking so I didn’t have to. I spent 16 hours in bed on the one day.
he sounds AWFUL and you’d be better off alone than with that piece of shit!

NutButterOnToast · 18/12/2025 18:35

He is awful. What an absolute turd of a man he is.

Eyeshadow · 18/12/2025 18:35

OP my teen (who is pretty messy, lazy can be and self centred to a point) got the bus to the shop and bought me snacks and drinks and asked a friends mum to buy pain relief as she wasn’t old enough.

She’d leave food, cups of tea, the bin and toilet roll outside my bedroom door and just left me alone apart from a text every now and then.

I spent about 5 days in bed without even seeing her when I had Covid and she did all of these things without asking.

I know she’d do the same if I got flu or anything else.

The fact that your grown adult husband isn’t doing the same is shocking.

vanillalattes · 18/12/2025 18:36

OP, this is not normal - you do realise that, don't you?

TomatoSandwiches · 18/12/2025 18:36

His wife appliance is malfunctioning, how dare you op!

This is obviously not normal behaviour from a loved one but unsurprisingly and horribly common amongst arsehole men.
I would second asking if you can go to someone else's house for recovery or a separate room with a lock so he can at least leave you alone.
He knows that you are unwell btw he would just rather gaslight you and make you feel bad than look after you properly.

When you feel better you need to have a good long think about what kind of man you married and if you should put up with him any longer.