DH being awful when I’m not well?

[umumum]

I’ve been diagnosed with flu. It’s knocked me out. I’ve been in bed for 4 days, throwing up, temp at 39, the worst chesty cough, insomnia, aching, unable to move. I dragged myself to the doctors because I genuinely thought I was dying.

DH had a cough last week and a temp. He’s been able to go to work, gym and eat normally. I did help him last week when he wasn’t well, getting him cough syrup and making his dinners.

This week obviously I’m no good to him. Yesterday he told me I needed to try and eat so he made me toast. I threw it up in a bowl by our bed. He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

Today he’s said I’m a “hypochondriac”, and that I “like” being unwell? He also said I’m weak because he had the same illness and was able to keep on working and with his life.

This morning I’ve been eating dry plain crackers and my stomach is rumbling. I asked him if we had any rice in. He said “why do you need rice? You’ve been eating all day?”. Then he said because I’ve not been doing anything today I shouldn’t need to eat.

He keeps saying my name with exasperation and then saying “you need more energy, you just need to focus on something else apart from being unwell”. I find it hard to do anything, but he’s said I need to read a book, wrap presents or go for a walk.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well, but all of this today made me cry.

now he’s flounced off to the shop and is saying I need to drink a coffee to perk myself up.

aibu to think this is a typical male response to a woman’s illness??? Feel like because I can’t run around after him I’m a burden

He's horrible.

@WizardOfAusthe study mentioned in the guardian was immediately what I thought of too and mentioned upthread. Really very sad.

I knew these stats and still didn’t think it would happen to me. It happened to me. When I left my exDH, he was still telling me that I should do assisted suicide because he would have if he was me, since my life no longer had any value.

Really think, if this is how he treats you when it’s just a bout of flu, what about life’s really hard moment? If you get a painful or even dangerous gynecological issue, is he going to dismiss you as a “hypochondriac” because it’s a women’s issue??? I’m so sorry @umumum but you deserve someone who loves you even when you’re puking. We all do.

No it's not typical of all men, but some can be like it. Essentially he's pissed off because his lovely usual routine has been buggered up by you being unwell. His wife, can't perform her normal household duties, and he's throwing a big old tantrum over it. Telling you that he has it last week, and still managed to do his usual means, he didn't have the flu or if he did, it was much milder. Trying to make out you're lying and are simply laying in bed for the fun of it, is awful. He should be looking after you, making sure you have medication and to be quite frank, he should give a shit! I've got a fractured foot, for the first 2 weeks, not only was I in agony but I wasn't allowed to weight bear and using crutches. My husband ran around like a loon, looking after me, running the house completely and working from home in a stressful full-time job! Yes, he was knackered, but no once has he treated me, like your husband has you. I'm on week 7 of the foot fracture, and am able to do more things, but my husband is constantly making sure I'm OK, and not over doing things. Your husband should be utterly ashamed of himself - he's being childish and horrible.

I'm so sorry @FFSToEverythingSince2020 . I hope your life is much improved without him in it

Thank you; that’s so kind. I got out (about three years later than I should have, but time comes when it comes), and I have a DH now who is really good with me, and just a really fucking good egg in general.

He doesn’t love you. 😢

He can’t cope with you being out of action

He is a nasty arsehole.
This is who he really is.
I find it very hard to believe this is the very first time you have seen his real ugly side.

You would want to be out of your mind to have a child with him.
This is EXACTLY what he will be like as a husband and father.
Don't ignore this great luck in seeing the mistake you have made marrying him.

Not even remotely typical of all men no.

He is an absolute dick and you deserve better. I am so angry on your behalf. I have been unwell for nearly three months - currently can’t drive so DH has been driving me around, haven’t cooked a meal since September as I can’t be on my feel for long so DH and our adult kids take care of that, any attempt by me to do things around the house is met with “sit down, I’ll do it”. That is what people who love each other do for each other. When you are better you need to sit down and have a conversation about his appalling behaviour and make it clear you won’t spend your life with such a horrible person.

Oh this is so horrible, what a nasty piece of work! You poor thing. I would definitely consider going else where while you recover as his behaviour is quite honestly abusive. Who treats a sick person like that?! I’d also be considering my long term options with this poor excuse of a man. I hope you make a speedy recovery x

I have spent two years with failing hips finally had one replaced seven weeks ago. After three weeks post surgery DH lost patience and said that I shouldn't be using crutches, should be driving, walking using stairs.

Well we saw consultant this week who was delighted with my careful progress and booked me in for second op

I said quite plainly to the consultant. Good because my husband was fed up with me being out of action and wants me fixed.

Consultant just stared at DH. Who has since shut up.

My ex did this and I was only ill in bed once in the 8 years. It’s a narcissistic trait whereby they see you as a burden/not able to provide for them.

He also used to shout at my DD whenever she fell. Until she fell one day with me, cried and said sorry.

Imagine if you got a life limiting illness? You can’t count on this man op. I hope you feel better soon x

The only unreasonable aspect of your behaviour is that you are seriously asking a bunch of strangers online if YOU are being awful to this piece of vermin.
Every single thing about how he is conducting himself is utterly grim. It’s also - whether you can face it or not - a barometer for how he is or will be when the shit hits the fan whether that’s illness, money worries, anything that introduces the opportunity to introduce a power imbalance. I can’t believe this is not the first time this has ever happened in your marriage. Even if it is the way he has acted towards you in this timeframe would be enough for me to end the marriage if I were you.

Sometimes getting sick is a wake up call. Devastating to realise the person you married just isn't a good person. I'm sorry. You must wait on him hand and foot normally.

Not a typical man, just a typical rubbish man who doesn't love you beyond all the jobs you can do in the house and the moment that stops, so does his love

Your DH is a fucking idiot, and I’m glad you called him out in front of the doctor. Isn’t it amazing how when men want a woman to be fine, they all suddenly have medical degrees! I’m truly curious what mystical forces advised your DH that you should magically be healed after three weeks? Oh wait, none - he was just sick of helping.

I hope your new hips (once you get the second one done) are wonderful!

It is a hugely narcissistic personality disorder trait.
These men are awful fathers.
They dislike the hard work that goes with children and are avoidant and absent, working, hobbies, running, cycling, any activity to avoid nbeing inconvenienced.

Awful awful men.

No it is not normal, when I am poorly my husband comes back with half a chemist , makes never ending supplies of drinks brings me anything I fancy at that time and is lovely , He treats me exactly as I treat him when the roles are reserved, I hope you feel better soon take his advice on the coffee to give yourself enough energy to kick his selfish arse out of the door x

Whrn you are better plese make plans to exit th8s relationship. It wont get any better.

Seriously - this is not someone to spend your life with.

Op this is absolutely true. Please read up on narcissistic traits. I will be very surprised if there’s a lot that you’ve not noticed/brushed aside.

I am a person with good self worth (a feminist according to my ex - unless you comply, admire & pedestal him, this is what you are) and I am devastated and thoroughly disappointed in myself for what I put up with without even thinking it was him that is incapable of love. I just thought he was a Jekyll & Hyde type character and he was so much worse.

eta - he was and is the WORST father too!

This.

Whenever my mum was unwell, my father behaved just like this and just like your DH.
I was in hospital for a month (locally) very unwell and he didn't bother to visit me once.

Then when my wonderful mum got dementia he phoned 999 and had her removed from their house, completely alone, whilst a bunch of neighbours cooed around him about how awful it all was for him.

OP, I never say LTB, but your situation is screaming at me. I am so sorry OP. When you are well, please consider whether this is what you want from life.

It is not normal, it's not just men. I've married the opposite of my father who has supported me 100% through everything, from colds to decades of chronic ill health.

You deserve better than you are getting OP. 💐💐💐

I’m sorry, this is awful.

I would be really concerned if I had a terminal diagnosis or was elderly and frail or ended up with dementia. That’s the bloody tough stuff and if he can’t deal with supporting you for a few days while you have flu then he sure as hell won’t be able to cope with any of that because it makes you demented.

What’s your situation? Do you have kids? Can you leave? I would be considering a future without him if I were you, sorry.