DH being awful when I’m not well?

[umumum]

I’ve been diagnosed with flu. It’s knocked me out. I’ve been in bed for 4 days, throwing up, temp at 39, the worst chesty cough, insomnia, aching, unable to move. I dragged myself to the doctors because I genuinely thought I was dying.

DH had a cough last week and a temp. He’s been able to go to work, gym and eat normally. I did help him last week when he wasn’t well, getting him cough syrup and making his dinners.

This week obviously I’m no good to him. Yesterday he told me I needed to try and eat so he made me toast. I threw it up in a bowl by our bed. He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

Today he’s said I’m a “hypochondriac”, and that I “like” being unwell? He also said I’m weak because he had the same illness and was able to keep on working and with his life.

This morning I’ve been eating dry plain crackers and my stomach is rumbling. I asked him if we had any rice in. He said “why do you need rice? You’ve been eating all day?”. Then he said because I’ve not been doing anything today I shouldn’t need to eat.

He keeps saying my name with exasperation and then saying “you need more energy, you just need to focus on something else apart from being unwell”. I find it hard to do anything, but he’s said I need to read a book, wrap presents or go for a walk.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well, but all of this today made me cry.

now he’s flounced off to the shop and is saying I need to drink a coffee to perk myself up.

aibu to think this is a typical male response to a woman’s illness??? Feel like because I can’t run around after him I’m a burden

Its not a typical male redponse its an arse hole of a male response....how much weight does he normally pull?

No it’s not normal, my DH would never act like that. You really can’t do anything if you have flu

Think on, flu is temporary. Imagine if it was a chronic illness or worse.

He's not a keeper.

No this is not normal. The last time I was unwell was after an op. Dp picked me up from the hospital, took me to his home, and looked after me for 5 days.

no, it’s a typical cunt response. Please stop tolerating this level of unkindness and disrespect towards yourself!

No that's not all men. My DH is genuinely lovely and helps a lot if I get unwell. I hope he's amazing in other areas!?

Im going to be blunt sorry. This is the type of man that will leave you if you become seriously unwell and cant serve him anymore. He doesnt love you in the true sense of the word. Love is how you act, he is showing you disdain and resentment, not love and care. I'm sorry, but I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with a man like this.

Your husband is a grade a wanker op.

This is not how decent humans behave...

Next time he pops his head around the door to verbally abuse you ask yourself:

Does this man love me?
Does this man respect me?
Does this man make me happy?

What you ‘need’ to do is kick this selfish, bullying asshole out of your life. If he can’t take care of you and be sympathetic when you’re unwell and can berate you without a second thought, you clearly don’t mean much to him at all. Know your worth and get rid.

He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

I'm amazed you had the energy and if yu did you must have been exhausted.
Last time I had flu it was about 5m from my bed to the toilet and another 5m to the kitchen tap to get water. A round trip to make over an hour as I was so sick and weak I could barely walk at one point i just clung to the kitchen counter (I didnt dare sit on the floor and rest because I knew I prob wouldn't be able to stand again)

You sound like you are Worse than I was then and I was so sick If there had been £500 on the floor id have left it there!!!

Your husband sounds like an absolute gobshite and I'd geniunely be considering divorce because God forbid you get cancer / lose a leg / are in anything other than perfect health this man is going to actively make your life worse to punish you for having the audacity to not be in perfect health 24/7 to do womens work for him. Then after those inital couple of weeks when ypu are at your lowest ebb he'll leave you / cheat on you / divorce you because you arent of use and providing the usual "service".

This is not normal man behaviour.
It's normal arsehole behaviour.

That’s not irony. He’s a selfish uncaring dud.

It's not a typical response, no. This treatment of you is quite shocking.

My DP will check every so often and ask if I want to have a drink of anything, at meal times he'll ask what I'd like and he'll do his best to make something light and easy to eat, if I feel like it. He'll check whether I need any medicines. All that around his work from home which is pretty busy. I'm not made to feel I'm a nuisance or just need to 'get over it'.

Someone who purports to love you shouldn't be acting that way. God forbid you get a serious illness.

He's a prick.

Sorry I may of read it wrong. I voted YABU to say this is typical for men. Your husband is being VERY YABU. Have you got children? He sounds pathetic. Take care OP xx

I'm a very stoic hardy soul who (touch wood) doesn't really get ill and if i do, tend to just carry on with life. I probably think a lot of the same things in my head when my partner is ill but I'd never say them. I might not be the most empathetic but I step up and deal with shit and wouldn't ever give him a hard time for it.

You deserve so much better op.

I am permanently disabled.

I was well, and then that period of wellness was over. Forever. It can happen in a minute; a bus could hit anyone in this thread tomorrow. And I think the chances are that most people in this thread know, in their hearts, exactly what would happen with their partners - whether they would be angry or understanding or embittered or leave. I thought I would be with my first DH forever and he was originally a very good and moral man, but my illness eventually broke all of that in him. To his credit, he made it a decade before deciding to check out. Unfortunately, I don’t get that option. And the reason I say that everyone on here knows what their DH or DW or partner would do, is because you know from how they treat you already when you’re ill.

My current (second) DH is my carer, and will eventually have to face being widowed before his time. And for the last month and a half, I have been “extra” sick. He’s had to do everything from getting me endless cups of tea (to try, sometimes unsuccessfully, to stay hydrated) to bathing me.

Your DH is showing you who he is. Please listen. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, not “oh, well yes, I suppose I love you, but only if you can run around after me like a good little woman.” Fuck him and the horse he rode in on, misogynistic prick.

So… what happens if you stop being “useful” to him permanently? I recommend not finding out.

Counseling might be an option before jumping to LTB.

YABU to think this is normal @umumum

I am divorced as of this week but still living with my ex until house sold. We are all ill and have been looking after each other with kindness. We aren’t normally much more than civil but have done each other favours this week eg with food and medicines because we aren’t arseholes.

Yes. It is typical for men. Read these horrific stats about the sheer number of FUCKING so-called men who leave their wives when they have a life-threatening illness.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

When you’re sick, you’re a faulty appliance. You need to be replaced.

He is a monumental arsehole.

Good husbands don't treat their wives like shit when they are ill; they look after them.

I would be reconsidering this relationship. You can do so much better.

My husband was exactly like this. We are now divorced. I wish I’d done it years earlier so don’t waste your life with this man.

My partner now wouldn’t dream of treating me or anyone else so nastily. Because he’s a proper man, he loves and cares for me.

get well soon x

It’s not very nice, sorry OP. My DH is in the middle of those that are waited hand and foot and then those just being told to get over it. My DH acknowledges I’m unwell and sends me to rest while he takes charge of DC. He may offer to get things for me and make a nice lunch. Then on the other hand if it drags out a little and he also is unwell (we usually are unwell at similar times), he does get a bit irritated and impatient.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

This is him when you are at your most vulnerable and when you need him.

In contrast, Dh would tuck me into bed, make sure I had a sick bucket lined with pedal bin liners that way you can throw up and then remove it from the bin, tie the handles and it can be taken outside by Dh. New liner in, ready to go. He would provide a glass of water or any drink I could manage, he would wipe my face with a warm flannel, massage my feet, stroke my hair or whatever else I wanted or needed. He would even wash my armpits to freshen me up if I asked him to. He would check on me regularly and ask me to message/call him if I needed anything.

We have been together nearly 30 years. I would do the same for him and have. That is what an incredibly supportive husband looks like.

You are clearly ill, he knows that. You are the broken appliance. Fine when you function but emotionally kicked back into working. I think when you are well you have a what the actual fuck conversation with him as to why he would treat you like that? He is meant to love and care for you. It doesn't even seem like he likes you. I am so sorry.

Prioritise getting rid of this weapons grade abusive cunt asap, soon as you're better.

This isn't 'typical man', this isn't even 'typically feckless, gets it wrong' or even 'lacking in empathy'... this prize specimen is actively trying to make you feel worse - forcing you to do stuff, getting you the wrong meds on purpose.

As the saying goes 'he's showing you who he is, believe him'.