DH being awful when I’m not well?

[umumum]

I’ve been diagnosed with flu. It’s knocked me out. I’ve been in bed for 4 days, throwing up, temp at 39, the worst chesty cough, insomnia, aching, unable to move. I dragged myself to the doctors because I genuinely thought I was dying.

DH had a cough last week and a temp. He’s been able to go to work, gym and eat normally. I did help him last week when he wasn’t well, getting him cough syrup and making his dinners.

This week obviously I’m no good to him. Yesterday he told me I needed to try and eat so he made me toast. I threw it up in a bowl by our bed. He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

Today he’s said I’m a “hypochondriac”, and that I “like” being unwell? He also said I’m weak because he had the same illness and was able to keep on working and with his life.

This morning I’ve been eating dry plain crackers and my stomach is rumbling. I asked him if we had any rice in. He said “why do you need rice? You’ve been eating all day?”. Then he said because I’ve not been doing anything today I shouldn’t need to eat.

He keeps saying my name with exasperation and then saying “you need more energy, you just need to focus on something else apart from being unwell”. I find it hard to do anything, but he’s said I need to read a book, wrap presents or go for a walk.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well, but all of this today made me cry.

now he’s flounced off to the shop and is saying I need to drink a coffee to perk myself up.

aibu to think this is a typical male response to a woman’s illness??? Feel like because I can’t run around after him I’m a burden

Why are you doing this?

Go to bed and tell him to sort his own kids meals out and bring yours up to you.

Where do these shit men come from and how do they hide their true colours so that people actually marry them.

What an absolute horrible, horrible man. That's disgusting behaviour. Sounds like the relationship has come to an end. He clearly doesn't care for you.

This.

He sounds poisonous OP. The moment you're no use to him, he turns on you.
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Because that doesn't sound like he even likes you, let alone loves you. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

The fact that you have just given extra info to “justify” to strangers that you are actually unwell when no one on here questioned it and instead totally took you at your word and trusted you to know yourself well enough to assert this demonstrates that you are in a dynamic with someone who makes you question your own mind, dismisses your knowledge of yourself and convinces you that you need to prove a “truth” and who will still go on to tell you that you are wrong. Classic gaslighting from a narcissistic psychopath. Please take this as your cue to get better and get out of there pronto 💪

He's abusing you when you're vulnerable. He sounds truly awful.

Does he act like this at other times?

My ex did this. He was diagnosed with ASD and a personality disorder recently.

he’s trying to gaslight your illness and bully you back to doing housework.

The poor man what will he do now his fuckmate2000 appliance is broken, his life is so hard, he may have to do shopping, poor him. no wonder he wants you to shower.

prick.

id honestly consider dumping him off the back of this. hes not a nice person. hes a selfish user.

hope you feel better soon op. that bug sounds horrible

He is not even ‘just’ being neglectful. He’s being downright cruel and mean. My husband can’t do enough for me when I’m unwell. This is really shocking behaviour and I’m sending you hugs. It sounds like he’s actually making you worse. Just awful.

If you can't rely on the person who says that they love you to look after you when you're unwell, or at the very least have sympathy, then what is the actual point of the relationship. He's one of those ones who would leave if you found out you had cancer. This is not a good man.

Tell him straight. You are unwell. The qualified doctor has diagnosed you with the flu, so keep your ridiculous demand to yourself and either help you or leave you alone. Then when you're better, get out of there. Urgh.

I'm sorry you're unwell and hope you feel better soon.

Well he's really showing you who he is, isn't he?
I hope you make a speedy recovery and realise that you will be better off without this narcissist.

Does your soon to be Ex still have his ‘wedding tackle’ intact ? I’d find just enough energy to remove it for him….

He's showed you how hes going to treat you,if and when your health deteriorates

This isn't normal behaviour from a partner, OP. I've had the flu too and seen more of my on/off boyfriend this week than I have in months (don't live together). He's been really kind, listened to my moaning, brought me food etc

I felt a bit better last night so he's back at his enjoying his own space. I'd do the same for him, we're not 100% committed or married but care about each other and make the effort.

I have a DH who means well but is relatively clueless when it comes to nursing unwell people. He’ll make a weird dinner, but he will bring a cup of tea when I’m asleep…but he will refill hot water bottles and cold drinking water bottles. Will take a sick bowl that’s been used and wash it out (but plonk a soaking wet bowl back on the carpet where you’ll fall over it and where the wet will make a stain). And then leave you alone for hours on end. So means well, just clueless.

Your DH, OP, doesn’t sound to be in the same “means well but clueless” category, more in the “cannot be arsed” category. Sorry.

You are married to a totally self-absorbed wanker and should consider whether or not you want to continue with the relationship.

This is outrageous. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Dont even try and address it properly now. Ignore him and focus on you and getting better. Once you’re well, confide in someone you trust and address it properly. I don’t think you can stay with someone like this - he will be awful to you if you were ever pregnant or had a life limiting illness.

It's not typical. It's common in men who aren't long term though. Men who show their true colours like when their wives are ill are showing them what will happen if they get a serious illness like cancer.

I'd be telling him you'll be having a think about your relationship because it seems he's shown his true colours about being relied on when the chips are down.

Some men just can't stand it when their appliance breaks down.

I'm sorry OP, feel better soon and next time he's ill. Tell him to fuck off and do it quietly.

One of my criteria for mate selection is how they behave when you are ill. (The other one is how they get on with their mother - they have to like /love their mother and it doesn't matter whether you like her or not. But he must be prepared to put you first.) You don't mention children. I wouldn't have them with him and I'd leave. Mr GooseberryGreen passed the test with flying colours which is one of the reasons why we've been married for over 30 years.

Your husband is not a nice person. You are both being unreasonable for going out and about if you have a temperature and virus. You are just spreading germs around and spoiling other people’s Christmases. You don’t usually need to see the doctor for flu during the first week unless you have underlying health conditions. Could you have not got a telephone appointment. I hope you get better soon.

No it’s not typical of men, just the ones who are arseholes.

My ex husband spent weeks being mad at me for falling over on ice and twisting my knee inconveniencing him. I had fractured my kneecap. Soon after it came out he’d been having an affair. He’d been checking out of the relationship.

People who love you don’t behave like this OP. You deserve better.

Totally out of order. It’s all about him not being inconvenienced isn’t it? I’d find it very difficult to get past such shitty behaviour. It’s not typical of all men but it puts me in mind of a study of 500-600 terminally ill married patients monitored over time that found that there was a 6 fold increase in the risk of terminally ill spouse abandonment after diagnosis if it was the woman who was the patient.

You’re not unreasonable to feel as you do but no, as others have said, no, this isn’t what good decent men do.
I’m sorry he’s being so vile and unhelpful when you’re ill.

Oh my goodness! What an absolute copper-bottomed-bell end your DH is! The ‘D’ in ‘DH’ here obviously stands for ‘dickhead’. I had a somewhat similar experience with ex-husband, who would be unsympathetic and grumpy if I was unwell. He’d begrudgingly bring me a cup of tea and stomp about feeling hard done by, having to make his own lunch or look after a single, easy going DC. Wanker. But even he wasn’t actively malevolent, gaslighting and bullying like your husband, who sounds to be in a different league entirely!

On reflection, I can see that ex didn’t give two hoots
about me and was just irritated by the inconvenience of his WifeBot 2008 (insert year of marriage here) malfunctioning. I wasn’t a person or a life partner with wants and needs, in his eyes I was a domestic appliance that he kept for his convenience. It was a symptom of the contempt that he treated me with, which made sense as soon as I discovered his multiple mistresses. (It’s such a common technique from the cheaters handbook that it’s predictable - blame spouse for your infidelities so you don’t have to feel guilty, it’s all their fault so they’re obviously rubbish and so now you treat them with contempt, as they are so far beneath you).

Contempt is real killer of relationships. There doesn’t have to be cheating or lying etc - if one person believes they are superior to the other then it will show through eventually in their attitude and treatment. Perhaps, once you’ve recovered from this horrible flu - and take your time, your health is the most important priority at the moment - you might want to take a bit of time to consider the dynamics of your marriage. If you think about it coolly, as if from an outside perspective, what can you see? Are there any patterns to his shitty behaviour, is he commonly selfish and belittling towards you?
Look to the future and consider if this is the partner you want to grow old with - because the challenges of getting older and ill health can be brutal and you need to be able to pull together.

I’m not saying LTB. But please do have a think about things, once you’re feeling better. I don’t live with my boyfriend of 5 years, but when I am ill he will bring round my favourite home cooked meals, do shopping, drive my teen anywhere they need a lift to and come over to take my dog for a walk (door step hand over of hound if I am contagious). That’s what love should look like and I do similar for him if the roles are reversed.

I hope you feel better soon.