Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS is gay and ‘friend’ is BF

156 replies

DenimMaker · 18/12/2025 11:39

My DS, 10, has been friends with this 11 year old boy from his football team since he joined in April.
Since about mid summerish he has been gradually going round to his and him over to ours more often. And when they’re not physically together they’re always on the Xbox playing online. I just assumed it’s his best friend and I was glad he’d made a close friendship.

However on Sunday I looked at the family laptop search history to find something I was on earlier and found searches like “boys kissing” and “guys with abs” and I was stunned. The search time was when his friend was over so they were looking at it together. I haven’t said anything to DS or DH because I don’t want to humiliate him. I want to ask him if he’s gay but at the same time I want him to tell me when he’s ready. I’m not a homophobic person so I don’t mind if he is but it’s still been on my mind all week.

Do I ask him or wait for him to ask me? Do I tell DH?

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 18/12/2025 11:45

If you'd found search history with 'girls kissing' or whatever, possibly you'd have a conversation with him about internet safety/respect (if you've not already)? So I guess you might do that. If it were me I would probably keep the conversation general. He'll know you know what he's searched for, but it'd be up to him to take the conversation further if he wanted to (and it could just be they searched for it out of curiosity, or because his friend has feelings for boys, or whatever).

KilliMonjaro · 18/12/2025 11:47

Let him tell you when he’s ready.

KilliMonjaro · 18/12/2025 11:48

It doesn’t mean he’s gay.
Good to hear that you don’t mind either way.

ColdAsAWitches · 18/12/2025 11:48

I think 10 is too young to be labeling. If his friend was a girl would you call her his girlfriend? At 10?

OriginalSkang · 18/12/2025 11:48

I don't think you can presume he's gay and that the friend is his boyfriend just from that!

Original poster
DenimMaker · 18/12/2025 11:50

@OriginalSkang I can’t understand why they’d be looking at that together if they were not into boys.

OP posts:
OriginalSkang · 18/12/2025 11:51

They're 10 though?

SarahAndQuack · 18/12/2025 11:51

DenimMaker · 18/12/2025 11:50

@OriginalSkang I can’t understand why they’d be looking at that together if they were not into boys.

Curiosity?

Someone at school has talked about sexuality?

One or other of them has feelings for boys?

Both of them have feelings for boys?

I think in the era of Heartstopper, children that age are much less likely to think it's forbidden than we were. My DD is a bit of an outlier because she has two mums, but I know friends of hers occasionally mention things like this in a boringly matter-of-fact way, and they are 8 rising 9.

aredrosegrewup · 18/12/2025 11:51

I think the main issue is that he is potentially viewing porn. Or trying to. Whether he is potentially gay isn't the concern, but I'd be concerned about what he's looking at online.

MsOtisReflects · 18/12/2025 11:53

Tbh I don’t think it’s acceptable to force a child to label themselves.

You should of course be supervising a 10 year old’s internet use - and that should be ongoing and open. So he should know you are monitoring his devices to protect him from harm.

But you should leave him to volunteer information on his own feelings - if or when he wants to do so. I doubt many straight people feel the need to announce the fact to their parents.

DoingAway · 18/12/2025 11:53

I wouldn’t be having a direct conversation about it at this age but I’d look for opportunities to let him know you’re ok with whatever. I’d have a conversation about internet safety if you’ve not already.

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/12/2025 11:54

He is 10. I agree with the PP talking about general internet safety and things rather than wondering about his sexuality. Also, just because they have searched something doesn't mean that's how they feel, my search history is a whole mishmash of things that are merely related to words I don't know the meaning of, something I've read on here but want more info...

ScrollingLeaves · 18/12/2025 11:54

Leave him alone with his curiosity. He is 10 for goodness sake.

ScrollingLeaves · 18/12/2025 11:57

ScrollingLeaves · 18/12/2025 11:54

Leave him alone with his curiosity. He is 10 for goodness sake.

I mean do not label him at all.
Do not leave him alone with open anccess to the internet however!

TartanMammy · 18/12/2025 11:58

He's 10. He may or may not be gay, but they're a bit young for boyfriends or girl friends to be anything too serious just yet.

The best thing you can do I just make sure he knows you're accepting of all kinds relationships and that your love it unconditional. Thing like when talking about the future saying 'if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend' or talking about marriage when they other partner is a husband or a wife.

Are you sure it wasn't your DH searching?

Namechanged47 · 18/12/2025 11:58

People explore and consider lots of options when they're growing up. You may not have done so personally, but plenty do, and plenty are curious. So no, I'm with the pp who don't think it necessarily means anything more than curiosity. One or both of them might be gay or bi, but I don't think you can at all tell from just seeing that search history.

If it doesn't matter to you (as it shouldn't), then just have the same sorts of conversations about relationships and partners as you would with any tween, just avoid being hetero-normative about it and emphasise that all types of relationships are valued and valid so that he's continues to feel comfortable. If he does turn out to be gay, if you've created a comfortable accepting atmosphere around it, then he'll tell you when he's ready, which is the right way round.

alexdgr8 · 18/12/2025 11:58

Finding it hard to take this query seriously.
How can a 10 year old be gay. Or anything else.
He is a child.
I guess school's out for Xmas...

Sarah2891 · 18/12/2025 11:59

alexdgr8 · 18/12/2025 11:58

Finding it hard to take this query seriously.
How can a 10 year old be gay. Or anything else.
He is a child.
I guess school's out for Xmas...

Of course a 10 year old can have a sexuality! Lots of people know what they are from a very young age.

Calliopespa · 18/12/2025 12:00

It's great you would be fine either way op, but 10 is quite young for him to really know one way or the other.

I have heard (and think it is a bit discredited these days, but do remember it among my peers) that sometimes there is an interest in the same sex before it transfers across. Whether or not that is everyone I wouldn't want to venture an opinion on, but I suppose I am saying sexuality is only emerging at 10 and may develop and change along the way. Or not.

But I can't see much point in risking him feeling labelled one way or the other at this point. Just let him be curious without input until a pattern starts to take shape for him.

Maybe a conversation about online dangers however?

beencaughttrollin · 18/12/2025 12:02

DenimMaker · 18/12/2025 11:50

@OriginalSkang I can’t understand why they’d be looking at that together if they were not into boys.

Perhaps they are researching/writing a book?

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 18/12/2025 12:06

Sarah2891 · 18/12/2025 11:59

Of course a 10 year old can have a sexuality! Lots of people know what they are from a very young age.

Show quote history

Lots of women who are not lesbians or bisexual will talk about having a 'girl crush' - especially when they are younger.

Children in particular can often mistake admiration for attraction. There's nothing wrong with this in itself - of course we will naturally find people whom we admire to have attractive personalities or abilities - but for that attraction to be focused on (any kind of) sexuality is, imo, very inappropriate at the age of 10.

DaisyChain505 · 18/12/2025 12:06

No you shouldn’t be asking a 10 year old about their sexuality. He’s still figuring things out for himself let alone being able to express how he feels to someone else. Just make sure you’re talking positively about relationships between people and not just sticking to “boys like girls” etc.

You should however be supervising internet use of a child. All parental locks and age restrictions on. No laptops or phones in bedrooms and everything is fair game for parents to look at if needed. Smart phones, laptops and the internet are privileges not rights.

Talipesmum · 18/12/2025 12:07

He might be gay, he might be bisexual, he probably has a fairly good idea of what seems good to him. He’s still only young though and there’s going to be a lot of curiosity.

I’d be making sure my internet safety filters were watertight as regardless of who he might be into, it signals the start of searching for stuff that can lead down v inappropriate paths at his age.

And, if you hadn’t been doing so already, I’d probably start trying to positively mention people we knew, or knew of, who are gay, talking normally about them and their husbands/partners etc, making sure he knows that he won’t encounter any worry or homophobia in his house if he is gay. Straight is always seen as default and if that’s been the case in your house then just try to adjust and talk about “girlfriend or boyfriend” in the future etc.

If you think your DH might not react well to any of this, best to try to deal with it out of hearing of your son - frankly, whether your son is gay, bi or straight, it’s important for him to know both his parents don’t consider gay relationships to be “wrong” or “shocking” or “embarrassing” or anything like that.

surreygirly · 18/12/2025 12:07

A bf at 10
Really ?????????????

myhaggisblewup · 18/12/2025 12:07

I would be more concerned about the security on your internet rather than labelling anyone gay tbh.
Kids are curious about their bodies from a young age, it's normal and healthy.
I hate the twee words for genitals and preferred mine to know the correct terms from a young age. Mine didn't have internet until about your sons age, it was just emerging into school and our home life. Prior to that we had an extensive book for kids on all aspects of sex, relationships etc which they looked at in the their own time and asked me questions as the need arose.
All my kids had friends of both sexes including the two who are now in their 20's and gay. I knew one was long before he told me [about 12] but I never assumed nor labelled him in my mind because it would have been the wrong thing to do imo. Once you apply a label you then expect certain behaviours and can drive yourself to menta distraction trying to 'prove' your thoughts.
Be there for your son and let him be a kid and for him to have friends of either sex. He'll let you know what the deal is in his own time if that's what he wants.
.