To think DS is gay and ‘friend’ is BF

[DenimMaker]

My DS, 10, has been friends with this 11 year old boy from his football team since he joined in April.
Since about mid summerish he has been gradually going round to his and him over to ours more often. And when they’re not physically together they’re always on the Xbox playing online. I just assumed it’s his best friend and I was glad he’d made a close friendship.

However on Sunday I looked at the family laptop search history to find something I was on earlier and found searches like “boys kissing” and “guys with abs” and I was stunned. The search time was when his friend was over so they were looking at it together. I haven’t said anything to DS or DH because I don’t want to humiliate him. I want to ask him if he’s gay but at the same time I want him to tell me when he’s ready. I’m not a homophobic person so I don’t mind if he is but it’s still been on my mind all week.

Do I ask him or wait for him to ask me? Do I tell DH?

Finding your sexuality is something that happens from age 10/11 all the way to age 18 and older. Feelings develop. I definitely wouldn't quiz him about it - just let him go on his journey and answer any questions he asks honestly. He might end up being gay or bisexual, he might not, but it's not something that he probably knows himself yet.

leave your child alone. It's quite common for children to indulge with some sex play with other children of the same sex. They're imitating adults or whaetver, but can't imagine, doing it with someone of the opposite sex yet.

My son is gay. At this stage your son is ten, so you do not need to do much. Be very clear that there is nothing wrong with being gay, lesbian or trans and if possible make sure he has the opportunity to meet people who are living very positive lives, but just happen to be gay. At this age though things can change so nothing is definite. My DS would however say he realised he was gay when quite small, i.e. younger than the age your son is at now.

Your ten year olds boringly and casually mention searching for porn? And searching for images of adults kissing? And searching for images of adult’s stomachs? At ten? And you just sit there like oh yeah it’s just kids being kids?

I would be worried about him accessing porn.

I think you need to tighten your internet safety settings.

We don’t allow devices in bedrooms and definitely not during a play date.

You need to rethink how devices can be used safely in your home.

Where on earth in my post did you get children searching for porn? I certainly didn't mention that, and nor did the OP. Nor did she mention her son and his friend serching for 'images of adults kissing'. Or 'images of adults stomachs'.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

I think there is a real worry that children might innocently search for something like 'boys kissing' and come across something pornographic. That is why most of us think about internet safety and talk to our children about it, and if the OP hasn't done that, now would be a good time (as I said).

But how on earth you think a ten year old searching for 'boys kissing' is the same as looking for porn, or even for 'images of adults kissing,' I do not know.

Quick update: He’s not been looking at porn as we have safe search on all the devices. Boys kissing and having abs is not that explicit so it was not blocked by google.

Quick question: To all of you with gay DSs how could you tell, was it something like this?

They’re 10! 😂😂

He’s 10 years old. I think it’s a bit young to label him

1. It doesn't matter at all what his eventual orientation is. 2. He likely isn't even sure yet seeing as he is 10!!! 3. It's none of your business. 4. Make sure Internet access is fully supervised 5. Explain about online safety 6. Other than keeping him safe, mind your own business apart from letting him know he can discuss these things with you

I know this isn't exactly what you're asking but I really don't think it's obvious either way for a lot of parents.

My daughter burst into tears once at the age of about ten, absolutely sobbing because she and her female schoolfriend had declared their undying love for one another but "knew they 'could never be together".

Naturally I dried her tears and asked her why they thought they could never be together, as they absolutely could when they got older if that was what they wanted.

Fast forward to the age of 15 and she's very much into boys.

I would be livid if DS searched for these things male or female, with a friend on a play date.
I doubt they're in a relationship.

Did your parents ever ask you to confirm if you were heterosexual, and if so what age were you?

I was once shocked to discover my daughter had Googled "how to train your dragon". She had never once informed the family that she wanted to get a dragon, hadn't discussed living arrangements or costs, or the practicalities of a 10 year old owning a pet.

I then realised that a search history tells you absolutely nothing about why the person was searching, or if they had even intended to search for the term they searched for, in this age of predictive text etc.

Keep an eye on him, be vaguely aware that this might be something, and see how the next 5 years pans out.

This.
Have you got restrictions in place on the laptop now?

Whatever his sexual orientation at 10 he shouldn't be searching up stuff like that as it's sexual content. Sounds like his friend is a dodgy influence on him.

This is the time to speak with him about internet safety, porn, that you can't unseen thing you have seen. That there is time to explore this sort of thing once he is older and more mature. I wouldn't be too keen on supporting this friendship. Does the 11 year old go to your ds' school? Are they in different school years?

Brush up on your online safety skills, lock down his phone if he has one and supervise him and his online behaviour.

🤔

What?? I had huge crushes on loads of popstars in Y5/6. Won't say who because I will age myself 😁 Sexuality is complex and often fluid, but definitely by age 10 children are generally developing theirs.

It literally doesn't matter at all. Why are you so hung up on it?

Have the same conversation that you would have if he were a daughter searching these terms, or if he were searching for images of female bodies. Make sure you're always talking about sex, bodies, relationships, safety, consent etc (as we all should be with all of our children) so there's never a taboo and he's armed with knowledge and confidence, and then just forget about it.

This was my instant first thought when I saw the original post. And as soon as I read "Do I tell DH?" I wondered if DH was one of the mouthy seemingly homophobic types who are hiding a big secret behind a wall of protest.

God I was expecting you to say he was 16 or something, not 10! Leave it alone.

He’s really young to decide & if he his, he’ll tell you. Put some filters in the laptop in the meantime…

He is ten years old. TEN.

It doesn't matter whether he likes girls or boys. He doesn't need a label, and he doesn't need the distraction or potential heartbreak that comes with a romantic relationship until he is at college/university.

This is a very weird op.

My DC is close to the end of primary and is always asking if he has 'abs'. I think this in itself is a big obsession with boys and my main concern is not his sexuality but his body image.

Anyone else living with you? Husband? Daughter? Are you sure it’s your son?