To think DS is gay and ‘friend’ is BF

[DenimMaker]

My DS, 10, has been friends with this 11 year old boy from his football team since he joined in April.
Since about mid summerish he has been gradually going round to his and him over to ours more often. And when they’re not physically together they’re always on the Xbox playing online. I just assumed it’s his best friend and I was glad he’d made a close friendship.

However on Sunday I looked at the family laptop search history to find something I was on earlier and found searches like “boys kissing” and “guys with abs” and I was stunned. The search time was when his friend was over so they were looking at it together. I haven’t said anything to DS or DH because I don’t want to humiliate him. I want to ask him if he’s gay but at the same time I want him to tell me when he’s ready. I’m not a homophobic person so I don’t mind if he is but it’s still been on my mind all week.

Do I ask him or wait for him to ask me? Do I tell DH?

Probably just curious. At school they will be being taught about relationships and part of this curriculum is same sex relationships. So they're googling. I do this now when people use terms I don't know. Doesn't mean I am any of the things I google. But I would make sure you have age appropriate controls on whatever device he is using.

Loads of boys go through various stages when they are just discovering their sexuality.

Labelling a 10 year old as gay is crazy.

I would just ignore it unless you are worried about him being exploited somehow or his health or happiness.

Because they dared each other or thought it was funny, they're ten, then year olds are weird and curious and unpredictable.
Don't read too much into it. To be honest it's not any of your business if he is gay so you can't be forcing he tell you just to satisfy your curiosity.

Wait for him to tell you.

Have a check of parental controls on devices

Have a chat with him about appropriate use of Internet

It could just be curiosity. It could be a sign he is gay or bi. Try and leave the possibility open when you're chatting - eg don't say things like "with your future girlfriend" or "wife" but say partner instead.

There's something a bit off about your questions, Op. I don't get it. Are you given to anxiety?

Say your son has a crush on another boy...it wouldn't mean he was gay. It

This is how I have always talked to my kids "when your grown up and have a bf or gf...." then coming out as bi was a complete non event. Like announcing what they did for lunch time.

I keep my internal thoughts on their trans boyfriend who's is a bio girl wearing dresses with long hair but identifies as a man to myself. Because they are finding themselves at 18. It can get very deep and complex as they get older so I partly checkout.

At ten you need to talk about Internet safety. This is the only thing I'd be worrying about right now.

I wouldn't presume he's gay from that. Being a bit vulnerable myself here but at that age I used to search girls kissing and girls bodies etc. and I had best friends that were girls but never saw them in a sexual or romantic way. Looking back I must've just been curious about sexualities especially from growing up around heterosexual parents and couples (older aunties, uncles, cousins) x

The answer at this age is that you cannot be sure. For my DS it was a whole personality thing. Notably whilst he had some good relationships with boys, most of his good friends were girls. In his teens it become notable that he had very little interest in girls from a sexual perspective. Girls were always keen to spend time with him though, but again, not in any romantic way. We supported him and let him know that it was perfectly fine to be be gay. He nodded but said nothing. He was 20 before he told us- by inviting his then rather sweet boyfriend to stay with us. All will be fine. Do not worry, do not hassle him. Let him do his own thing.

They might just be experimenting or curious. I'd just make sure he knows he's safe to talk about his sexuality with you without you overreacting. I think we always knew SD was gay tbh, she never specifically "came out" and she's not had a girlfriend (that we know of) yet, it's just taken for granted that she is.

Lots of prepubescent kids are curious about grownup relationships without being in any way sexual themselves. They are curious about their own bodies and how they will change. They may explore different sexualities, but most end up heterosexual. It’s far too young to pigeon hole him.

It was just screamingly obvious from about age 8 🤣

Are you being obtuse on purpose to try and make some ‘anyone who thinks kids being interested in same sex relationships is a big homophobic prick’ point? Because that falls flat with me.

i don’t think a child would knooow they’re are looking “for porn” but they have somehow acquired enough knowledge of the internet that they know this content is on there otherwise they’d do what the rest of us did before the internet and lust after their one vaguely attractive same sex teacher or their best friend and that’s about it.

this boy is ten years old. He should not be searching for these terms. It has nothing to do with his future sexuality. He hasn’t even hit puberty yet and it’s like oh he’s fine just typing in boys kissing (which I’m actually LESS concerned about than the abs one - because that is beyond an interest in kissing which he would know the terminology for - why does he think to google abs specifically?)

and yes, if a ten year old girl had a male friend who she was always around and hanging round with in their rooms and you found these search terms you would think he had introduced her to the concept of googling what leads to inappropriate content! You literally just got caught up with the need to run around telling everyone that gay is normal so don’t judge blah blah that you’re ignoring the fact a TEN year old is using the internet to access adult images (and yes topless images and people kissing as search terms are nothing but adult images) this is literally how we end up with 11 year olds with porn addictions.

op get your kid off unsupervised games especially ones he can freely communicate with god knows who on. Stop him from having this extremely ott relationship with this other kid who is introducing him to porn. And ffs stop painting your ten year old CHILD as a sexually exploring teen. He is a little boy. Get him some real hobbies in the real world and get some control instead of acting like you’re ‘a cool mom’

"My 10 year old child is Googling adult content without proper supervision, AIBU to worry about how I handle him being gay"

Hmm I think you need to have a conversation yes.

It's not about being gay.

I honestly have no idea how to respond to you.

Where did I say anything about homophobia?

I have already made the point about internet safety, if you read the thread (or even, you know, just the posts of mine you're responding to). I've already made the point that the worry here is a child innocently clicking on something nasty. Other people have said this too.

But, children searching for things about 'boys' or 'girls' is not the same think as searching for porn. It is really disturbing you think it is. It may not even really have anything to do with sexuality or interest in sexuality.

When my daughter was four and went into reception, some of the little children at school asked the older children whether it was true you could have two mums. And the older children, all of ten or so, answered learnedly that it was. When she was five, she and her best friend sat in the back of my car and her best friend confided in her that she was going to marry a lady and have several dogs and no children.

Should I be terribly, terribly worried about these sorts of innocent questions, which are absolutely on that worrying trajectory that ends up with ten year olds googling shocking things like 'kissing'?

Of course not.

Children at this age are curious about the world, about each other, and about themselves. But they are pretty innocent. All they need protecting from is the horrible fact that, because we live in a world the world we live in, their innocent questions might bring back very disturbing results if they ask the internet. So the OP should do an internet safety talk, even though she says there are protections on her internet already.

But please can we not start writing fantasies about you being accused of homophobia, or about children seeking out porn? It's got nothing to do with that.

And just to clarify: my daughter has a lot of male friends (she's a tomboy). She is 8, so she can't actually access google at the moment unless she's using my laptop, but if she did, and if she wanted to google 'kissing boys' ... I would assume it was a normal developmental stage. The problem really, really is to do with what she might find, not with her.

When I was 10, in 1994, we definitely whispered questions about what kissing was like. There were pre-teen magazines where you could send in pictures of your guinea-pig and also ask what kissing felt like. It's very normal for children to have these questions. The issue is how to protect them when we know the world is more dangerous than they can understand.

Why do you need to know? Better yet, why do you think it’s any of your bloody business if he’s gay or questioning. He will tell you if and when he feels he should. Get your nose the fuck out his sexuality.

Some young men maybe showed signs early they were gay, some that showed “clear signs” could still be straight and some gay men never showed any “signs” at all. It’s pretty homophobic if you to be looking for signs at all. He’s fucking 10 years old! Get a grip!

In what world is two men kissing adult content?!

I know some people seem to think this distinction is irrelevant, but the OP's child googled 'boys kissing'. Not 'two men kissing'.

I’d have a conversation about being careful what you search online at least. I’d be worried about illegal images coming up. It could lead to all sorts of trouble.

Presumably because they are boys themselves. If I'd wondered if girls kiss when I was 10 (and the internet existed and section 28 wasn't in its full horror) then those would be the words I'd use too.

As an aside, I remember when I was about 10 is when I first learnt that two men could have sex. Someone at school told me. There was no internet then, but if there had been I probably would have googled "two men sex" myself to see what I could learn. It wouldn't have be an indicator one way or the other as to my sexuality - not least because I wasn't really interested in sex through my whole teens and only had my first proper girlfriend aged about 23. Everyone is different.

I wouldn't be trying to identify it in young kids.

If he is gay you will know when he tells you.

Maybe they, or one of them, saw boys kissing and were looking it up, do they know about gay relationships? I think they are a bit young to be labelling them.

my son thought he was gay at a young age, after a long and confusing chat, more confusing on my part, it turned out he didn't know what it meant and that he liked girls so he must be a lesbian 😂