DS reception nativity - what would you do?

[christmas2025nativity]

DS has ASD diagnosis and is in the process of obtaining an EHCP. He has just had his nativity today, he got upset as it started and didn’t leave a teacher (who is not in his class) knee the whole time. We only had tickets for today. Am I being unreasonable to suggest to his teacher that I attend tomorrow and sit on the side with him so he can join in. The TA in his class was occupied with the other children which I totally understand. I know he will get upset if my husband or I are not in attendance tomorrow and I want it be inclusive for him and him not to miss out. He will not have the understanding to reason with him why we won’t be there tomorrow.

I think people got the impression that your child didn't want to participate because your post said "He has just had his nativity today, he got upset as it started and didn’t leave a teacher (who is not in his class) knee the whole time." ... So they were suggesting that giving them the choice to attend so they aren't upset is also a reasonable adjustment.

As a retired Early Years teacher and veteran of 30 nativity plays I can tell you that there is nearly always one child who is a bit overwhelmed by it for varying reasons. Be comforted by the fact that he was happy to sit and watch from the safety of a teachers lap. To be honest I think if he sat on your lap he would be even less likely to want to leave it and join in.

Me too! Confused how this thread has gone

I went to a nativity last year where a mum kept walking up to the stage and going "COME ON CHARLIE, JOIN IN" and sat with him on the stage and sang until he had a massive tantrum and she carried him off. Needless to say Charlie nor mum were present for the Christmas performance this year.

I am sure that won't be you, though.

It is thoughtful that you want your DS to join in and be a part of it - but is this something that DS wants, or just you? Was he happy to sit on teacher's knee and be there but not part of it? If he is dead keen but got nerves on the day then all for you supporting him to feel comfortable and join in and glad the school are accommodating this,

wow what a load of ignorant comments

'dumbfounded' - 'leave it to teachers'

Guess which people have absolutely no idea what it is like having a neurodiverse child.

It reminds me of the threads where someone at work needs or has reasonable adjustments and everyone is outraged, yet they want people who are ND to have to work yet begrudge them reasonable adjustments. A lot of minimising language like ‘there’s always a child ND or not who gets upset’ etc etc

It sounds like DS wanted very much to be involved but got overwhelmed. It’s lovely that you want to help him and it’s lovely that the school is happy to accommodate this. Why all these PP’s being so salty about this?! 😂 Mumsnet baffles me sometimes!!

I wonder to be honest what the ideal scenario is. Not do nativities or plays or school concerts anymore ever?
I just attended my dc's nativity in nursery and the poor staff spent the whole time frantically dealing with children who clearly were distressed by the situation.

It took so long to settle them that by that time the 30 who were waiting patiently on stage became restless and started needing the toilet one by one.

I feel it would have been kinder to the children who struggled with the situation, the children who could cope and were being prevented from enjoying the performance they had eorked hard for, the staff and the parents stuffed in a tiny room to watch having to wait and watch if a seperate event with fewer sensory triggers had been organised for children or parents who struggle to cope with busy and noisy environments and high levels of demand.

I feel like trying to find an event format that does justice to all is impossible, but does that mean nothing should ever be organised at all? I'm not sure.

I realise it's easy for me those dc loved it and sang their little heart out despite the chaos.

To be fair. I don't think that's minimising anything. It's just that there are many reasons a child might be upset and as many ways of accommodating their needs as there are children.

I work in a school and also have a child with asd and I think you’re being a bit unreasonable but I also understand why you want to attend again. My son joined in for the first few minutes, and then spent the rest of it off stage as he finds all of it too much. However me being there made no difference and I wouldn’t have pushed him to go on as I know it can be massively over stimulating for him. As someone who works in a school I think the staff are probably glad that you are going to be there to keep an eye on him as it’s a nightmare having to navigate all the kids at the nativity and it frees up a member of staff if you are there. However I think you are unreasonable to request to sit on the side of the stage as in my experience this causes a lot of upset for other children who can’t have their parents do that, it also inevitably leads to complaints from other parents to the school about why they can’t do that as in pretty sure you won’t be the only parent there with an Nd child.

I’m a little confused as to why you asked what others would do, when you had a clear plan going forward. Why bother asking if you had no intention or interest in following any replies.

I’m a non-retired Early Years teacher and I think OP probably knows her child a little better than you do.

My DD spent her first nativity sitting on my knee, as once she saw me in the audience she wouldn't participate. (Much later diagnosed with ASD)
Kindly, two things. Don't expect your child's childhood to look like other children's. He might want to participate for example but then find it's too overwhelming. Support that situation but don't expect it to be different another time. Reset your and his expectations.
You will have to advocate for your child in ways other parents won't. Don't be dickish about it though. All kids are different, ASD kids are different from each other. Some settings will struggle to accommodate all needs. Sometimes you just need to find a different setting,or take a different approach.
You can't fight every battle. My DD's school made certain decisions around reading, maths and sport that really didn't suit her. But in other ways the school was good and she certainly had opportunities to develop social skills. We worked around it. They weren't going to change the reading scheme because DD didn't like it.

It's really irrelevant if other children think reasonable adjustments are "fair" or not
im sure my DS's primary school classmates thought it was very unfair that he didn't have to sit at a table and could come in the classroom and go out whenever he needed to, or that he was sat playing Lego for a good third of the school day whilst they were doing worksheets.
its not unfair that an autistic child needs (key word needs, not would like!) a different approach

YABU. If his parent is there every other child will want their parent there.

Id leave it ok. He did so well to even try Id suggest avoiding it again and try again next year

Well yes but every child isn't disabled are they, so the other children will have to understand that some children require additional support.

Please don’t quote the equality act without actually understanding it. I am glad, in your isolated case that the school have come to an agreement that you can attend tomorrow.

in future, I would suggest if there are multiple shows, you and dh arrange attend separate ones so your son knows he has someone at both sessions.

but, in terms of the equality act, adjustments have to be reasonable. How would you have felt if staff said no because 5 other parents had made the same request and it would not be reasonable to accommodate an extra 6 adults at the side of the stage to support their child in the nativity? I appreciate that number may feel extreme but in a 2-3 form entry school it’s possible each class will have at least 2 children with significant send.

also speaking as a send parent whose children at various points have found participating fully a challenge and who have therefore had reasonable accommodations such as sitting with me in the audience until their turn, sitting with a trusted school adult, parents individually at all performances if there was space and even sitting it out completely and doing something else.

I would also seriously start looking at send provision in schools in your area now. As your child gets older, it’s increasingly unlikely if they remain in mainstream that they will have a dedicated 1:1 as schools just don’t have the capacity. Their echp funding does not just pay for staff wages. It will also be used to pay for any specialist intervention they made need or physical resources. Ehcp funding does not go very far at all in a mainstream school.

Shows a total lack of understanding about SEND and equity over equality.

Fwiw. My DD has zero memory of pretty much any of her school performances! Has made not one iota of difference to her development as a person that she doesn't remember being in her school nativity play. But she really has had to learn how to dust herself down and carry on and unfortunately the majority of people she meets won't understand why she does certain things.

If there are 5 dc with additional needs then the school would absolutely need to consider what is right and if those dc usually have a TA but the TA is busy helping with the nativity and wider class then support from those dc parents is totally appropriate. This isn’t parent being pfb, this is the parent of a dc with additional needs so stop trying to make her feel guilty for her perfectly reasonable request!

I think your being precious, I say that both as a ND person (who was a child who did nativities and survived, my mam had photos and video of me stimming my way through my first one) and as the parent of ND children.

There was like 4 kids at our nativity that clung to the staff and wouldn't perform... they don't force upset kids to participate and always have extra staff ready (because the teacher running it obviously can't be everywhere) to comfort the upset ones. Its exceptionally common scenario. I'm sure its disappointing that you didn't get your moment of seeing him up their but the school did exactly what they are suppose to do.

All young children regardless get upset when no one is there, theres always some kid crying because they didn't spot someone, its always sad but its not unique. They are not going to let one parent have extra tickets over everyone else because their kid might cry if no ones their, all kids are the same. I also guarantee your kid won't be the only ND one in the show, there are several ND kids per class usually and usually the nativity is an entire 'key stage group' of several classes in a show, they simply cannot allow every parent with worries to just come up and have special treatment.

I wonder if the teacher just thought it was easier to allow you to attend again than have to deal with a pushy parent not getting their own way.
There’s always one.

I think you did the right thing by asking. My son's school made a lot of adjustments so he could take part in the Christmas carol show they did and I'm very grateful they went out of their way to include him.

He has an EHCP and 2:1.

It depends on the school but ours would have no issues with this you can only ask 💐