Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

At the end of the day they are your kids so she doesn't have to if she don't want to. Your responsibility!!!

Just a thought here, do you ever spend time together that isn't in a babysitting capacity? Do you ever pop round to hers or invite her round for dinner? She might feel resentful that she's only ever involved when needed. Does she still work? Does she have lots of other commitments? Is she elderly / health issues?

It's easy as a society to think we are owed our grandparents for babysitting but the modern world is very different now.

I get you'd feel hurt, "why doesn't she want to spend time with my children". But a relationship is a two way thing, you've both got to bat the ball back to each other.

Lastly have you ever communicated to her how you feel? "I've noticed you don't seem to see the kids very often, we would like to organise a day together would you like that?"

Good luck!

I wouldn’t want to babysit four kids, it’s as simple as that. Two - fine. Three - eek, don’t have that many hands. Four - no. When you have more than three children, I think you need to accept that. And four times a year babysitting is not nothing! That’s once every three months!

I am not saying she owes me childcare. But I think it would be nice to have support though, given she is so close by. Or even to feel like I have support.

But she has never supported you, not even as a child, with your update about how you were treated then, and how the care of your siblings was foisted on to you, I'm not sure she is the person you seem to think she is?

People can tie themselves in knots coming up with reasons why she is justified in not looking after them, and no is a complete sentence in fairness, but she never wanted to properly care for you or your siblings when she was younger and had no time constraints, so she certainly won't want to do it now for children who aren't her own.

You are NOT unreasonable to feel like you are missing out, and would like to have a parent who is interested in a mutually supportive relationship, but IMO you are unreasonable for expecting it of HER, when you know she has never been that person in her life.

You may need to accept that she isn't like other parents, and she has no interest in changing now.

It sounds as though you had a shit childhood. Your mother didn't support you then. You were looking after your younger siblings and the family as a whole - cooking etc when you were too young for that.
Firstly, I can't see why you now think your mother will have changed and be supportive after all these years.
Secondly, why do you think your mother is the going to treat your DCs any better than she treated you if she is baby sitting? I don't think I would want her anywhere near my kids.

Don’t bother asking her anymore, leave her to her lonely sad life without your beautiful children.
Join a babysitting agency instead.

Thanks for the guidelines 🙄

It’s a shame so many people seem hellbent on breaking down the notion of family.

So kids also have no obligation to help their aged parents?

How sad.

People can do basic maths. OP doesn’t need you to divide 12 by 4 😂

4 kids could include a 10 & 12 yr old, both self sufficient and polite. Lots of people could manage 4 kids for a few hours when some are older. I think it’s strange you couldn’t to be honest, your tolerance must be quite low!

It isn’t just 4 children. She already looks after other grandchildren. She has no more capacity and op is suddenly laying it on thick that she is an awful person. So if she’s that awful why does op want her to babysit? It’s weird.

Life can deal us a poor hand. We make the best of it. There is no point trying to make people change just because we want them to. The mother must have her own reasons why she doesn’t want to do it. Whether justified or unjustified doesn’t change that.

You do know that asking this question on Mumsnet will not bring favourable responses?

It sounds like she has a lot of issues around children.

I didn’t say I couldn’t, I said I wouldn’t want to!

Some of those ageing parents don’t want help from their children. It’s not why they had them and they plan for old age accordingly.

It is most certainly not an obligation. They have their own lives to lead.

Of course, GP’s have the right to not look after their GC. I think looking after them all week or half the week to save on childcare is a bit much. But the odd sleepover, or babysitting to help out your son/ DD….come on. That’s a bit mean.

There are consequences for not helping out with your DGC, whether that is right or wrong. I notice that my nephews and nieces, who had a very close relationship with my own parents, are much more involved with my remaining parent, and have much stronger feelings towards them. Mine on the other hand don’t have that bond.

Also, I now see my time as for my DC and not for the generation above me. In fact I’ve got my own whingey thread about people making demands on my time, and that includes elderly relatives.

During my DC’s young years I never went the cinema, never went on date nights as it cost a fortune for a babysitter and it did affect our relationship at times. Of course they weren’t obliged to help us, but our marriage got tricky at times and it would’ve helped us a lot if they babysat and we had time together.

I too look forward to being a GP and the first thing I’ll be asking my DC is “what can I do to help you?”

Well it's not really babysitting as they're in bed when she arrives. It's watching TV in a warm cosy living room.

That's such a strange way of looking at the world. I would think it would be nice if both generations helped each other. Provide for your old age by all means, but don't push people away from you in some mistaken notion of independence. No man is an island and all that....

Yes I do pop over, I try not to go over too much as I don't always feel welcome. Maybe once every 2 months.

Why wouldn’t someone want their child to support them. Not with personal care obviously, but having your child show care by helping you with the shopping, cleaning, brushing your hair - whatever, is such a lovely show of love.

In much of the world, it’s absolutely an obligation to care for the elderly, which helps sustain a good life until death.

Look at all the sad lonely people in care homes in the UK. Spending £4,000 a week for strangers to do the bare minimum for them. Hardly a success story.

Duty isn’t a bad thing. It’s about respect. Respecting the elderly and showing love to your children by extending childcare. Grandparents should WANT to spend time with their grandchildren. They should WANT to lighten their kids loads where they can. This isn’t about entitlement, it’s about the family unit and relationships being eroded. People simply don’t give a shit about anyone else, related or not, anymore.

But there’s loads of things people don’t really want to do, but they do for their loved ones.

Do you live your life solely as you please? Only doing what you want to do?

That's pretty selfish. Most people do things for their family and loved ones to help. We want the best for them and are happy to step out sometimes and go above and beyond to help.

I didn’t realise how lucky my kids are; I will certainly be helping them and I look forward to doing so!

If what you have said there about your own upbringing is true-why on earth would you want to have your mother looking after your own children?????
Could it be that your mother knows you think she was a bad/inadequate mother, and so she thinks FU to you and your requests for assistance?🤷🏼‍♀️

We’re pushing no-one away. Strongest of bonds with our adult children, we do everything that we can for them. Our youngest has just bought his first home with our help. Did the same for his big sister. Was a joy for us to do so.
What we weren’t prepared to offer though was childcare. We adore our grandchild and love seeing him, along with mum and dad.

Oh and we don’t need or want help in old age because we have planned for it. Their company on occasion would be lovely, though and I’m sure we’ll have it.

You reap what you sow. My MIL had both kids out at 16, has never been involved in the GC lives. My DF otoh helped so much with the kids when they were young. Now my MIL has had a health scare. She wants her kids, but they are quite far away and busy. My DF drives me mad, but he is close at hand, and I know I owe him. My DC have a far closer relationship with him than MIL. People make their choices. But having made those choices don't suddenly try to make different ones in later life.
Im fine with GPs doing the whole " we've raised our kids" and giving no help. As long as they realise its setting a precedent for their old age.
I will be doing everything I can to help my dc and help out with their kids!

I think that is really horrible, and I would feel very upset about it too.

Since she helps out your siblings a lot, is there a reason why she very rarely helps you? Did she disapprove of your marriage or have you had a difficult relationship with her?

It seems some people feel you might be expecting too much of her if she is elderly but I get the impression you are not asking for a lot of regular support, just some help now and then.

It's really rotten luck for you and I sympathise greatly.

I don’t mean this rudely, but how exactly have you planned for your old age?

In my experience, it’s all great whilst your parents have each other. They help each other out and there’s no need to ask your DC.

Then, it ends up with just one left. I have the most independent, fit, healthy parent who is quite an age. They are on their own and going brilliantly. However get to late 80’s, early 90’s and even the fittest starts to have things going astray. They end up with at the very least, multiple doctors appointments, hospital appointments, minor surgeries etc. and they need help as they are on their own, and especially if they still live in their own house.

Also, I plan on being as independent as possible, but I don’t want to have carers, live in help or live in a care home. Of course I don’t want to burden my children, but I’d like to think they’d want to help me out if live if I’d been a good mum and GP to them.