Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

I am being 100% real. OP gets more babysitting than many of us, some of whom are actually managing to look after elderly parents as well as their children while working FT etc etc. OP needs to get over the whining and get on with it.

Well spotted!

Its hard op. We never had help. Not nice though if they do it for one. My friend had 5 but her mam was near so depends where they live too.

Well yes that’s the legal requirement for having kids, you raise them! They didn’t ask to be born. Doesn’t entitle you to care from them when you are older though.

I don’t think you understand what the word triggered means.

It’s shit OP but not much you can do except challenge her on why this is and point out the discrepancy.

We are coming out the other side, kids are older and getting more independent and it’s been great getting some more freedom. We also didn’t get much grandparent support and so now don't feel guilty about declining to do much for them.

She answered an hour ago

I like the sound of your mum. She is not allowing herself to be bullied into this by you. She already has her hands full with looking after grandkids and you want to add four more. What a cheek. Wait till it’s your turn. If each of your children has four children then you’ll see if you are keen to spend your whole life looking after them.

My parents are the same. Have to book months in advance only to be let down last minute. They argue and judge everything we want to do. It’s all on their terms. Both retired and socialise every weekend with their friends. We never get a look in. DH and I haven’t been on a weekend away in 10 years because it’s scrutinised and we can’t fully trust they won’t let us down. In laws are the same. Last time we went away for a concert we were constantly hounded about times for coming back and when they should expect us. Our train home was cancelled and they literally blew up our phones sending us alternative transport methods so we could get home at the time we originally expected. When we did get home 2 hrs overdue, my mum was stood with my son outside our house in the freezing cold with his overnight bag. She just huffed and left. Never asked her to do anything for us again. We have recently gone non contact as they have made our lives a living hell over the years.

@Marynotcontraryyoure not too bright are you. I posted at 2pm. You posted at 5pm!

Grandparents can see their grandchildren without babysitting them, are you saying she doesn’t see them? I think 4 times a year one to one is fine. And there’s a big difference between looking after a cat and looking after a child. She has finished her child rearing years.

Not very nice of your DM, she could occasionally help with some notice given but sounds selfish. You would think that she would enjoy seeing her DGC.
If she ever wants help from you treat her the same, not convenient.

I don't agree. If your mother is showing obvious favouritism, then ask her why. If there is no decent reason - why would there be? - then match her energy and stop bothering with her.

It's interesting that you refer to her as "grandmother" as if the grandmother-grandchild relationship is more important than the mother-child relationship

So OP should ignore the fact that her mother happily babysits her other grandkids, but not hers? How is she supposed to feel about that? It would be one thing to opt out altogether, but the favouritism is galling and really unkind. How do you think OP's kids will feel when they get older and notice the disparity?

Great, see if you can find a thread on here that's specifically about a father/grandfather not babysitting enough.

I had zero help. In-law abroad, mother dead, father too busy with work. It’s so hard. Best advice I would give is treat this as just you, your partner and kids in this together. Get paid help where you can, find friends in similar circs who you can share baby-sitting with.

While I appreciate that there is no obligation for Grandparents to help with childcare of grandchildren, as a Granny myself, I love having mine and the extra involvement it gives me in my DD and DSILs lives.

I can also see that what adds an extra layer of resentment here is the inequality in your mum's treatment of you,compared to your siblings. That is hurtful.

Maybe she feels more compelled to help them as there is "competition"? Do you think that's likely?

I don’t think it’s favouritism as such. It’s easier to look after a cat than children. It’s disappointing though that spending time with grandchildren isn’t a priority

😮

I've changed my mind. You have every right to be very angry. What sort of a DM expects to be warm when looking after 4GC for free. It must cost hundreds, especially when it's for max an hour. She should be begging to be here every week and be grateful you let her.

op, my parents live abroad. I met my English husband in the US and we know live in the UK. We have no one. His parents are dead and mine are 11 hour flight away. I do not expect help from anyone except my husband and our nanny (as it’s a service I pay for)
you are entitled to feel as you do and it’s your mothers perrogative if she prefers to not to look after your kids.

I'm the same my MIL lives opposite us and never helps. I think it's because she had it easy when my partner was younger and doesn't realise how hard it is for other generations.

Her MIL (partners granny) lived 2 doors down and went round every morning to get the kids ready for school and then made dinner for them most nights and cleaned the house, MIL worked part time and was able to buy her house with the 'Right to buy scheme' that made it very affordable. (She paid £14,000 and it's now worth £146,000) I rent exactly the same house and pay £800 per month. They also bought her MIL house for her for £4,000. Which they now rent out for £650 per month. 😮‍💨

She was able to go on holiday a few times a year as well as the kids almost living at her mil every weekend. This resulted in my husband and he's siblings being very close with their granny and doing everything for her before she passed away last year. My MIL can go a week without seeing her grandchildren and have only had them overnight a couple of times. I can't see them having that close bond that my partner had with he's granny. I know I won't or try and ask them to help her when she's older and needs help as she hasn't helped me when I've needed it. 🤷 I see it as her loss.

I'm not whining. I look after my elderly aunt also. Sorry if I forgot to mention all aspects of my life.

To be honest, my mother didn't really bring me up at all. She left me most days with my elderly grandad who couldn't walk or else roaming around dodgy areas with my brother. She had me walking an hour home with my younger brother when I was 9 cos she wasn't bothered collecting me. Then she had me minding younger siblings, changing nappies, cooking and doing the grocery shopping for the family from the age of 12. She wasn't working at the time either.