Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

You’re describing real policy failures, but you’re collapsing structural politics into a moral licence to opt out of family responsibility, and those aren’t the same thing.

Yes, the housing market was distorted. Yes, Right to Buy and privatisation had long-term consequences. Yes, austerity and Brexit landed harder on younger cohorts. All broadly true. None of that explains, let alone justifies, a culture where adult children feel entitled to extract care, money, childcare and inheritance from their parents while bristling at the idea of offering support in return.

Voting behaviour is not some monolithic boomer conspiracy. Older generations are not a single bloc with uniform power, wealth or intent. Many are renters. Many are financially insecure. Many did not benefit from the things you’re citing and are now ageing into a frayed care system with very little safety net.

In most cultures, family obligation runs alongside political grievance. You can recognise structural injustice and still accept that looking after your parents is part of being an adult. In the UK, the language is all rights and resentment.

I'm sure she'd want to see her grandchildren if you invite her for lunch, or you all go to visit, or on a family day out. But you are asking something completely different - free babysitting. An emergency is different - if you'd asked for real help for a last minute important hospital appointment when your husband is away and you have all the kids in tow and really need a hand but she turns you down to look after the cat or watch TV fine, you have a point. But you say you can't book anything because she won't help out - it's not her job to help out! Book a babysitter, like the rest of us do, and go out.

Re. The in laws - they live too far away, one can't drive and the other is dead.

What about re literally everything else in that comment?

You've been chucking around the word ‘triggered’, yet it’s you yourself who is all angry and feather-spitting.

Indeed.

This. As a pp said, no medals for martyrdom ……..

All of what you have said really doesn't matter at all, your Mum is not obliged to look after your DC at all, no matter how closely she lives, or how little she works. Perhaps if you don't have capacity to look after 4 children alone with your DH travelling for work, then you should not have had 4 children.

We had nobody to help us out with our DC so we made sure we could do it alone.

No, you're wrong, I'm not asking about free babysitting. The babysitting is a different thing - literally for both our birthdays, and our wedding anniversary. So special occasions, but can't book anything or organise to meet friends as never know til the last minute if she will mind them. And it's always so late that we can only pop out for a drink. But kids are in bed, so all good for her, she watches Netflix with the heat blasting.

What I'm talking about is emergency situations, when she has been available but didn't want to help.

This tit for tat recommendation has popped up a good bit in the thread, and every time, it completely overlooks the fundamental gratitude deal (if a deal even exists at all)
Our parents brought US up. Grandchildren don’t enter that bit of any quid pro quo.

Pay for a babysitter as other people do 🤷‍♀️

Have checked previous threads. As usual it’s an exhausted OP moaning about extended family for no or little childcare when the real problem is lack of support and feeling undervalued by a partner.

And still opting to have 4 kids …

It’s always hurtful when parents do for siblings and not for you.
i have that. But between both sides, I don’t get any help (don’t live near my family, in laws just moved near us but not going to help us). I’m perfectly happy to deal with my family myself. Yes sometimes it’s tough not having family to be backup (like what do I do with my kids when I’m in labour) but I guess I’m used to it.

Look, I had Zero help with my DC as my mum is dead and my PIL wouldn’t. My dad baby sat his step GC with my SM but never mine.

In fact, in 20 years I had family babysit once. 😂

Now my DC are older. One can drive and the other is learning. I don’t need any help now, and BOY do I feel good that I owe nobody nothing. They are now trying to rope me into elderly care and whilst I’ve done a bit, I feel no guilt or obligation to do any.

Being drip fed on this thread. How many kids? I definitely wouldn’t ever babysit for 5 kids. Two will be my max as a grandparent. I’ve done my child rearing thanks!

No, you've only just brought up emergency situations (and how many emergencies does one usually have? One every few years?). You said you cannot book anything as she is unreliable. I said, it's not her job to babysit for your anniversary. Book a babysitter. Like everyone else does.

Either your kids are too much for her, she disapproves of the fact that you and your DH have had loads of kids but seem quite needy and already have a nanny or she thinks your siblings need more help that you.

I’d also be interested in what the emergencies are, for example if it’s attending drinks or socialising then to her they might not be emergencies. Deep down she probably thinks either you or your DH should be making a few more sacrifices yourselves.

Eithet way, you need to let this go. She doesn’t have to babysit if she doesn’t want to and she might be avoiding visits because every time she sees you you go on about babysitting or help. Take it out of the equation and see where you get to.

Let me guess, you're a grandmother who would never mind your grandchildren.
Where I am from, it is completely normal for grandparents to mind grandchildren, even as much as once a week. Shock horror.

Nope. I have four young(ish) children. I have a wonderful mother who, for a number of reasons, looks after my sister's kids and not mine. I love her dearly. I get frustrated by her sometimes. I don't expect her to do my babysitting.

So special occasions, but can't book anything or organise to meet friends as never know til the last minute if she will mind them.

I don’t understand this- why can’t you book a babysitter for these occasions? You know when they are?

But kids are in bed, so all good for her, she watches Netflix with the heat blasting.

There you go. Why the reference to heating? Honestly reading between the lines you just sound tight fisted and entitled. I think you want her help because you don’t want to pay for a babysitter- nothing to do with fostering a good relationship- and even then you begrudge the heating being on!

Ask thyself, “is it I?”.

’THEY live too far away, one can’t drive and the other is dead’.

Who is ‘they’ if there is only one?

Clearly your mother wasn’t really into children which is why they avoided childcare as much as possible, and that’s why you were farmed out to grandparents so much

So given this, it’s unlikely they will suddenly want to be looking after young children in later life

This is raised again and again, without people joining the dots. Sad but inevitable

There are now disparaging complaints about older (mainly) women nearly every day on MN. If they're not offering free childcare, or handing over their savings they're 'narcissists'. It's become a real echo chamber of ageism.

But i thought that was allowed here to allow for privacy so not to be uncovered. I do that , im not trying to lie, I wouldn't for example reveal how many kids I have, I think I just say the kids. And I name change too. I thought that all allowed thou!