Page 12 | Grandmother who never helps us

SilverDoublet · 2025-12-16T23:26:43+00:00

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

Millytante · 17/12/2025 20:26

Pyjamatimenow · 17/12/2025 19:20

I don’t think it’s favouritism as such. It’s easier to look after a cat than children. It’s disappointing though that spending time with grandchildren isn’t a priority

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In GM’s shoes, now I think on it, maybe if OP installed a friendly, mature cat to sort of balance out the monstrous idea of four under-12 kids including a SIX-year old boy (Prince Louis first put the fear into me on that score at QE2’s Jubilee) in the house with my aged self, and if the children were all habitually in bed before 8pm, and preferably having taken a dose of Gripe Water apiece, then babysitting might appeal to me more.
I'd just tell myself I was catsitting; just there for a natter with her.

PollyBell · 17/12/2025 20:29

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:22

To be honest, my mother didn't really bring me up at all. She left me most days with my elderly grandad who couldn't walk or else roaming around dodgy areas with my brother. She had me walking an hour home with my younger brother when I was 9 cos she wasn't bothered collecting me. Then she had me minding younger siblings, changing nappies, cooking and doing the grocery shopping for the family from the age of 12. She wasn't working at the time either.

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Yet everyone wants to use her as a babysitter

AbbaCadaBra · 17/12/2025 20:31

ThePerfectWeekend · 17/12/2025 19:45

I've changed my mind. You have every right to be very angry. What sort of a DM expects to be warm when looking after 4GC for free. It must cost hundreds, especially when it's for max an hour. She should be begging to be here every week and be grateful you let her.

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Not to mention the free Netflix.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 17/12/2025 20:33

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:22

To be honest, my mother didn't really bring me up at all. She left me most days with my elderly grandad who couldn't walk or else roaming around dodgy areas with my brother. She had me walking an hour home with my younger brother when I was 9 cos she wasn't bothered collecting me. Then she had me minding younger siblings, changing nappies, cooking and doing the grocery shopping for the family from the age of 12. She wasn't working at the time either.

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So I’m wondering why (in one of your ‘moving house’ posts), you were keen to stress that the new property was close to DC’s school and the grandparents. Seems odd if you hold them in such disregard, don’t help, and didn’t even parent you to any degree.

outerspacepotato · 17/12/2025 20:33

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:22

To be honest, my mother didn't really bring me up at all. She left me most days with my elderly grandad who couldn't walk or else roaming around dodgy areas with my brother. She had me walking an hour home with my younger brother when I was 9 cos she wasn't bothered collecting me. Then she had me minding younger siblings, changing nappies, cooking and doing the grocery shopping for the family from the age of 12. She wasn't working at the time either.

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Then why would you think she would be an appropriate babysitter for your 4or 5 kids?

And you have the slipper wearing nanny too?

The fuck? 👽

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:35

sandyhappypeople · 17/12/2025 10:26

I was going to ask this, as this is one of the most logical reasons, I know people like this in real life, they feel resentful and constantly ask why 'no one can be bothered with them' and express that their sibling get better treatment than them, but the truth is they only show an interest in other people when they want something, in their case, it's not just their parents, it's everyone else in the family.. they are takers quite frankly, and don't see any problem with that.

It gets to the point where people stop bothering because it is always them offering, paying, organising things and you get nothing back, ever, they don't even appreciate any effort other people put in, they are just happy to take.. the lack of self awareness is staggering and I get sick of hearing them spout off about 'favoritism' when it is nothing of the sort.

I'm not sure if that is you OP, but either way it doesn't sound like you have a good or close relationship with your mum, which she seems to manage with your siblings, maybe concentrate on having a better relationship and building that bond with the children outside of asking for help, rather than expect her to happily gobble up any scraps that are being thrown her way.

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Yes, I am that person, inviting people over, organising things. I used to invite my mother over in the mornings while the kids were at school and I was on maternity leave but she wasn't bothered. I have invited her out for dinner and to the cinema that I pay for. Not with kids in tow. Maybe I should just stop.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:41

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 17/12/2025 20:33

So I’m wondering why (in one of your ‘moving house’ posts), you were keen to stress that the new property was close to DC’s school and the grandparents. Seems odd if you hold them in such disregard, don’t help, and didn’t even parent you to any degree.

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Yes maybe I was falsely hoping she might develop a relationship with my kids that I'd never had with her and thinking I'd look after her on her deathbed.
The area is good though, and very convenient for our work and kids.

OP posts:

Millytante · 17/12/2025 20:42

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:22

To be honest, my mother didn't really bring me up at all. She left me most days with my elderly grandad who couldn't walk or else roaming around dodgy areas with my brother. She had me walking an hour home with my younger brother when I was 9 cos she wasn't bothered collecting me. Then she had me minding younger siblings, changing nappies, cooking and doing the grocery shopping for the family from the age of 12. She wasn't working at the time either.

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Tragic altogether. So you want her to look after your four children as a form of payback, then? Otherwise, your reasoning seems odd.
(By the way, there are four Yorkshiremen in the wings wanting to speak to you.)

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:43

Millytante · 17/12/2025 15:56

Well spotted!

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They is my partners parents obviously. One died years ago and the other doesn't drive.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:45

Millytante · 17/12/2025 20:42

Tragic altogether. So you want her to look after your four children as a form of payback, then? Otherwise, your reasoning seems odd.
(By the way, there are four Yorkshiremen in the wings wanting to speak to you.)

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What Yorkshire men are you talking about?

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croydon15 · 17/12/2025 20:47

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 20:22

To be honest, my mother didn't really bring me up at all. She left me most days with my elderly grandad who couldn't walk or else roaming around dodgy areas with my brother. She had me walking an hour home with my younger brother when I was 9 cos she wasn't bothered collecting me. Then she had me minding younger siblings, changing nappies, cooking and doing the grocery shopping for the family from the age of 12. She wasn't working at the time either.

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Then you will know how help to give her in her old age.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 17/12/2025 20:49

@Millytante - fabulous comment! I think it fits the OP perfectly.

Marynotcontrary · 17/12/2025 20:55

bleakmidwintering · 17/12/2025 18:16

@Marynotcontraryyoure not too bright are you. I posted at 2pm. You posted at 5pm!

lol keep up. OP posted at 13.00, u posted at 14.00. It was clear I meant she’d posted an hour before u.

motherofdragons11 · 17/12/2025 23:00

ForZanyAquaViewer · 17/12/2025 00:03

10 hours of nanny is substantially more nanny than the zero hours of nanny most people have.

So, a couple of months ago, when you were asking about ‘5 kids aged 10 and under, youngest 2 kids are twins’ that was an intellectual exercise?

And your parents lived together, a 5 minute drive away, a few months ago. I’m very sorry to hear that they’ve now separated.

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Is it your business to dissect OP's life?

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 23:01

Iocanepowder · 17/12/2025 03:09

Wow.

The nanny update 😂😂😂

The problem here op sounds like you have had more kids than you can handle and you don’t appreciate you already have more help than most.

Not sure what you're talking about. How do I have more help than most? How am I not able to handle my kids? I am doing it every day of the week. I pay for a few hours of childcare after school so I can hold down a full time job. I have also had times as a SAHP. Im talking about getting a bit of help for short emergency situations by a grandmother who lives 5 minutes away who doesn't have other claims on her time.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 23:04

motherofdragons11 · 17/12/2025 23:00

Is it your business to dissect OP's life?

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Apparently it is, and I have to disclose every single aspect of my life to unknown people online.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 17/12/2025 23:07

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 23:04

Apparently it is, and I have to disclose every single aspect of my life to unknown people online.

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You don’t need to post on the internet……

HK04 · 17/12/2025 23:36

OP respectfully your Mum does not owe you childcare. Relationship sounds complicated but lines like her having no other demands on her time are misjudged. Same as you will in 20-30 years having done her tour of duty as you are now doing yours how she chooses to spend her time is up to her. You keep mentioning frequency and ‘emergency’ situations… Q be couple times a year tbh still two times more than she ‘owes’ you and what do you class an emergency? Are you saying if you rang her now with broken limbs she wouldn’t come round or do you mean you are stuck at work and can’t pick them up!?

HK04 · 17/12/2025 23:42

Yes maybe I was falsely hoping she might develop a relationship with my kids that I'd never had with her and thinking I'd look after her on her deathbed.
Life and love is not transactional like this… maybe Philip Larkin summed it up best: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse
Part of growing up… properly growing up is forgiving our parents but still doing all we can for them and for the next generation, where possible, and it isn’t always, imho.

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 23:46

HK04 · 17/12/2025 23:36

OP respectfully your Mum does not owe you childcare. Relationship sounds complicated but lines like her having no other demands on her time are misjudged. Same as you will in 20-30 years having done her tour of duty as you are now doing yours how she chooses to spend her time is up to her. You keep mentioning frequency and ‘emergency’ situations… Q be couple times a year tbh still two times more than she ‘owes’ you and what do you class an emergency? Are you saying if you rang her now with broken limbs she wouldn’t come round or do you mean you are stuck at work and can’t pick them up!?

I am not saying she owes me childcare. But I think it would be nice to have support though, given she is so close by. Or even to feel like I have support. As it is, if some situation arises, my first thought is, well I can't call her to ask for any sort of help. I will literally contort my day and sometimes have to leave my older kids home alone, when, if she cared in any way, I'd be able to ask her could she pop in for an hour. She is usually just watching tv or not doing anything really.

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SunnySideDeepDown · 17/12/2025 23:54

FGS - so according to mumsnet now, we shouldn’t ask our parents for help with occasional babysitting of their own grandkids?

Heard it all now.

HK04 · 18/12/2025 00:12

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 23:46

I am not saying she owes me childcare. But I think it would be nice to have support though, given she is so close by. Or even to feel like I have support. As it is, if some situation arises, my first thought is, well I can't call her to ask for any sort of help. I will literally contort my day and sometimes have to leave my older kids home alone, when, if she cared in any way, I'd be able to ask her could she pop in for an hour. She is usually just watching tv or not doing anything really.

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This on the one hand you logically agree she owes you nothing before then outlining resentfully the situations you consider she should step in or step up but can’t/won’t!? That’s entitlement and completely contradictory. If she owes you nothing and you genuinely agree then what is the issue? Only rational conclusion is you say you agree but don’t deep down. Which is ok but own it and say it. Your woes are not her problem. Not saying that’s fair from your point of view but objectively that’s the bottom line. You chose to have your children. 4 is a lot. There will be huge amount of work, stress, juggling your end. Again imho not her problem. Anything she does is a bonus whether she’s next door or other side of the world. I’m sure she likely does care but you don’t get to decide whether she has anything better to do or not with her time/life. That’s her business as she now has zero dependents…any contorting you do is because in contrast you do. Imagine in 30 years time: you have done your tour of duty. Would you be willing or able to look after 16 grandchildren like you want your Mum to now if all yours have 4 each? Juggling work/family can be horrendous but your anger directed in wrong place.

HK04 · 18/12/2025 00:21

SunnySideDeepDown · 17/12/2025 23:54

FGS - so according to mumsnet now, we shouldn’t ask our parents for help with occasional babysitting of their own grandkids?

Heard it all now.

Nope. You can ask but if they say no that’s their prerogative.

Iocanepowder · 18/12/2025 05:00

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 23:01

Not sure what you're talking about. How do I have more help than most? How am I not able to handle my kids? I am doing it every day of the week. I pay for a few hours of childcare after school so I can hold down a full time job. I have also had times as a SAHP. Im talking about getting a bit of help for short emergency situations by a grandmother who lives 5 minutes away who doesn't have other claims on her time.

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I don’t think you’re talking about actual ‘emergency’ situations though from your other posts. It still sounds like you want her help for general things when you need to get things done. Which is understandable, but she can still say no. Many people don’t have a nanny and many people don’t have family nearby to help. I was alone with my 2 kids when i needed ambulance last year and i called a friend. People will help in actual emergencies.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 18/12/2025 05:34

@HK04 “This on the one hand you logically agree she owes you nothing before then outlining resentfully the situations you consider she should step in or step up but can’t/won’t!? That’s entitlement and completely contradictory. If she owes you nothing and you genuinely agree what the issue”

Have you ever heard of two things being true at the same time? I hated being pregnant but desperately longed for my child. I love my dc and miss them when I’m not with them but after a full morning with them I am desperate to go to work for a break. I love my DH but he doesn’t half piss me off sometimes (and I’m sure vice Versa) . I love my Mum but wouldn’t parent my kids in the way she did us. Human beings are complex and there is nuance to our emotions, not everything is black and white - especially when it comes to family matters

The post you’re actually quoting states “I am not saying she owes me childcare. But I think it would be nice to have support though, given she is so close by”.

I don’t see how stating you’d like support from your own mother who lives 5 mins away is entitled. Yes her mother doesn’t HAVE to offer the help but OP is allowed to feel upset that it isn’t offered especially when there is such a stark difference between her and her siblings treatment. I agree that OPs mum may have her own valid reason(s) for her choices but I don’t think it’s entitled to feel upset