Sister saying she doesn't want to live after I told her to come on the 25th

[Anuta77]

So I'm having another drama with my sister.
She shared that she was feeling lonely as she's a single mother and has financial issues after her company went down.
I was planning on a holiday dinner. We are not Christian, she actually follows Judaism, but we don't have to have a dinner on a specific date. She told me that she would like to do something on the New Year Eve. But never confirmed. I had to insist that she calls me back.

So we're talking by phone and she says how sad she is that nobody is inviting her. I say that I do. On the 24th, my husband is inviting his son with gf and his daughter. If my sister came with my nephew (who is also sometimes difficult to handle) and my mom, it would make 10 people. I don't have enough sits. I also wanted to do some board games (didn't tell her that) and with my nephew and generally too many people, it feels more complicated.

So I tell her to come on the 25th. I also mention that on the 2nd of January, I invite some friends, she could come too. She starts going around finding some excuses as to why she's not happy, then reluctantly agrees. I tell her that it doesn't feel good, it's holidays, not some obligation. She tells me that as usual I'm not listening to her and not understanding. I insist that she tells me what's the issue and she starts yelling that she wants to su*cide and hangs up. I try to call back, she declines.
Should I invite her on the 24th because of her depression and loneliness? Obviously, the holiday mood would be ruined because I hate being pressured.

You have invited her to a few things and it’s not good enough for her ? You have tried to be understanding whilst releasing I hope that she isn’t your responsibility ?

“I’m sorry you feel that way , we would have loved to spend time with you over the holidays but we do have some other plans that we can’t rearrange at this stage. Have you spoken to your doctor as it sounds like you need professional help! “

She's lonely, depressed, lost her business, is alone with a 6 year old child but hey, her sister who is not lonely, depressed, hasn't lost her job and isn't a single mother should focus on her own selfish interests rather than help her only sister? That's the spirit of Christmas right there.

Hope you never need help.

If she barely knows them, what a lovely occasion to get to know them

That's what I was wondering. If she's actively suicidal, I of course would help. But I was under the impression that it was a generalized feeling that life was not worth living (in her case, it is, because of her son), not in response of FOMO and if she has energy for guilt tripping and insults, is it genuine?
I was suicidal when I was a teen, but seeing a therapist helped. She is an adult, she was in some therapy, she has a son who doesn't have a father, why is she not getting help?

I know life is hard for her right now (not that it's easy for me) and when she's respectful I always cheer her up.

Has everyone missed the insults? And that they are normal? If the sister doesn’t get what she wants she insults the OP, and this time has threatened suicide? And that they are OP has helped many times before, which is not acknowledged.

Also that she has her own marriage difficulties at the moment, that she needs to think about?

Your sisters feelings are not facts. She feels you don't listen. Fact is, you do. She feels no one cares and doesn't invite her to things. Facts are, you do both.
When a person's feelings and facts do not align, there is no way you can resolve things, because even if you did what she wanted, her feelings may still be that you had wronged her in some way, and you can't control that, however many hoops you jump through.
If she genuinely feels this way due to her mental illness, then that's very sad for her. But you can't cure her by constantly changing your offer in line with her latest feelings.
She needs professional help, and you need to have boundaries for the sake of yours, as dealing with this is exhausting and takes its toll.

As someone who lost their brother to suicide all I can say if you do lose her you will repeatedly play these conversations over for the rest of your life. Is that more inconvenient?

These unstable people are great manipulators.
I was one of them, after years of emotional abuse from my parents. Took time to grow up, cut out the poison and heal.
Your sister needs help.
Don't give into her tantrums.

In reality, I do think of myself as a fairly good listener (not therapist level, but I am pretty empathic) and I did cheer her up (as usual) prior to her demands. Yes, I understood that she just wants more people even if these people will not fill her up. They are young aduts and they don't have anything in common and it's the guilt tripping that I have no tolerance for. I would continue cheering her up if she didn't constantly resort to that. I also told her many times that if she feels lonely all the time (she always had more friends than me and still does), she needs to get therapy. There are also ways to change our mentality, etc. At the end, the chatting with her ended up with her telling me that I'm self-absorbed, manipulator, selfish and cruel and since I told her that I feel bad the way she rages at me, she told me to go vomit and to have fun with my stepchildren.

That feels like emotional blackmail there

you don’t owe anyone anything just because they are your sister or mother or aunt or anyone

if someone is that depressed , inviting them to the event of their choice won’t solve that anyway something else will be wrong

I also feel lonely, I have issues with my husband who is the avoidant type and our relationship is pretty much roommates, my youngest is 8 and I was a single mother with my oldest until he was 8, but my husband didn't make much difference in terms of his care later on. My job is a freelancer, so I don't have stable income and it's being replaced by AI. I have much less money saved up than her (like 4 times less) and she's excellent with her money. She lost her business, but she's enrolled into a PhD and is getting financial help for that. When I feel depressed, I deal with my feelings. While my issues have nothing to do with hers, it's not as black and white as you put it.

She's an adult and she has an invitation for Christmas (and New Year), so honestly, I'd feel like telling her to grow the hell up, but given she may actually be depressed (and not mostly a manipulative, immature woman, which is what it sounds like), I'd try to phrase it more 'kindly' than that. It's an issue of space, and she's already been invited for Christmas Day, which is the main event for most people. Given that your family aren't particularly sentimental about which day you actually gather, it makes even less sense for her to be freaking out at the possibility of being 'alone' (except for her child, who should be her focus this time of year) on Christmas Eve. She's being utterly ridiculous, and I'd find it difficult to not just tell her so.

I am sorry about your brother. Was he insulting you as a cry for help? I imagine a person needing help as either saying or crying, but in her case, it always turns against me and it's always a surprise because my reality is that I tried to accomodate her within my limits.

Right! I also worked on myself, I know it's possible!

Not to derail, but did your sister convert or is she a half-sister because if not, you’re also Jewish.

It sounds like she wants to be part of a bigger family.
You have a step family - why can't she join in with the family get together?
Who cares if there isn't enough chairs?
Seriously you are using that as a feeble excuse.
Most family get togethers have someone perched on a kitchen stool at the edge of a table.

Yes, we are both Jewish, but I don't practice at all. I love Christmas because for me, it's the most beautiful tradition that there is and my kids go to a school that celebrates Christmas. But she is more involved in the Jewish tradition, her son is going to a Jewish private school and I think there's a Jewish holiday right now and given how sociable she is, she probably has something (there are Jewish places that invite anyone who wants for dinner and these people are very nice). So I don't understand this fixation on a Christmas eve dinner.
P.S. Love you nickname! 😂

Even perched on a kitchen stool at the edge of a table, there's no enough space. If she comes, it would be with our mom, so that's 3 extra people. That's why I wanted to have our own family dinner the next day.
My step family doesn't really feel like a family to me. The stepchildren are adult, live in another city and we rarely see each other. Only one of them remembers my bday. Many other years, we had a Christmas dinner that involved only me, my husband and my kids. These years, my sister had her own plans and didn't care.

I know we're all supposed to listen to and help people who are possibly suffering some from mental health and we're all supposed to jump up to save them and do everything we can but seriously, this does sound like emotional manipulation.

Call the police and request a welfare check. Which will either be helpful (because she actually was thinking of it) or, will give her a complete shock that holy crap, actions have consequences!

I'm not a big fan of tantrums, threats, guilting etc. And threatening something like this just to get your way? No. That's a big no for me

OP is not obliged to have her sister over just because she’s her sister. Her sister is trying to guilt her into it, and playing into the fear of what could happen to get what she wants. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Traits used in emotional manipulation.
The best thing OP can do is contact professional support for a formal assessment. Posters saying they’d do anything for a sibling obviously haven’t been on the receiving end a lifetime’s worth of this behaviour.

Do you actually want to spend time with your step family?
It doesn't sound like it.
Why not go to hers on the 24th and leave your husband to his side of the family.

She sounds incredibly unstable OP. I do not think she should be parenting a small child in this state of mind; it’s dangerous. I would be calling mum and telling her dsis has threatened suicide and become abusive and asking Mum to invite your dsis and dn to stay thru the whole holiday period to keep an eye on her mental state.

I do not think she should be alone with a child. If your mum won’t help then call social services

You’re right, her depression clearly isn’t pleasant enough for the people around her. Why can’t she be miserable and polite.

The problem is that she guilt trips me and later insults me (when she doesn't get her way) every few months which results in me not talking to her but she never learns anyway. I have a family and problems of my own. My husband pretty much broke up with me yesterday and I'm holding it for my children. Whenever I try to make her feel better or help (like staying with her at a hospital for hours on Halloween instead of being with my son) gets forgotten. So the only way to satisfy her would be forgetting myself and doing what she wants only. I can not help her.

This is manipulation OP. I would actually cut her out since this is a pattern that has been going on forever. She's abusive towards you, that's what emotional manipulation is. You don't have to have someone in your life who behaves like this.

Given that you've mentioned now about how your marriage is breaking up, I say do whatever you need to do over Christmas.

If you don't want to host your stepchildren then don't, it's ok to cancel it, honestly, citing your marriage breaking up. Or else go out and leave your husband to host them. You don't have to pretend to everyone that everything is fine. You can tell your own children that the stepchildren were the ones who needed to cancel the visit.

No wonder you're at the end of your tether with your sister when you're dealing with your own problems and trying to hide your feelings from your own children. You don't have any compassion going spare right now, you need it for nurturing yourself.

I would block your sister for now, even if you decide to unblock her at a later point. She has been invited for Christmas Day. Either she will come or she won't. I assume she already has your address and the time to arrive. If so, you don't need to hear from her between now and that day, especially when all she's doing is insulting you.

I would not invite her with your friends on 2nd, I'd cancel that, tell her you've all decided not to go ahead with the meetup. Then meet your friends anyway. With your updates your sister truly sounds toxic, why inflict her on your friends? You need your friends for support now more than ever, don't alienate them by giving them a toxic sister to deal with during what should be your festive meet up.

Where has OP said she is constantly helping her sister?? Mental illness is quite inconvenient of course and sometimes people DO require a lot of help and support. Would you run out of patience as quickly if her sister had a physical illness??