Sister saying she doesn't want to live after I told her to come on the 25th

[Anuta77]

So I'm having another drama with my sister.
She shared that she was feeling lonely as she's a single mother and has financial issues after her company went down.
I was planning on a holiday dinner. We are not Christian, she actually follows Judaism, but we don't have to have a dinner on a specific date. She told me that she would like to do something on the New Year Eve. But never confirmed. I had to insist that she calls me back.

So we're talking by phone and she says how sad she is that nobody is inviting her. I say that I do. On the 24th, my husband is inviting his son with gf and his daughter. If my sister came with my nephew (who is also sometimes difficult to handle) and my mom, it would make 10 people. I don't have enough sits. I also wanted to do some board games (didn't tell her that) and with my nephew and generally too many people, it feels more complicated.

So I tell her to come on the 25th. I also mention that on the 2nd of January, I invite some friends, she could come too. She starts going around finding some excuses as to why she's not happy, then reluctantly agrees. I tell her that it doesn't feel good, it's holidays, not some obligation. She tells me that as usual I'm not listening to her and not understanding. I insist that she tells me what's the issue and she starts yelling that she wants to su*cide and hangs up. I try to call back, she declines.
Should I invite her on the 24th because of her depression and loneliness? Obviously, the holiday mood would be ruined because I hate being pressured.

Are you actually being serious here???

I’m sure it’s not nice for you to hear your sister feels you don’t care about her but can you try to imagine how “not nice” it feels for your sister to believe her family don’t care about her???

OP doesn’t have to be her sister’s therapist. If her sister had a physical illness and OP was supporting her you wouldn’t be saying “you don’t have to be your sister’s doctor”. Mental illness is an illness like any other. You just show the person you love them and support them, you’re not required to fix them

Call the mental crissis team and ask them to check in on DSis.
You are not a trained professional.

Speak to your mother and suggest that she goes and stays with your sister and small son on Christmas eve if she can.
Then re invite the household - Mum, sister and six year old - for the 25th and the 2nd.

Maybe invite DSis and her son to stay the night on New Year's Day and help you prepare for guests. Make her useful. Value her company and assistance.

You are not being unkind.
Take care, Op. Your own family is your priority if things are rough right now.

Think.this is sound advice. You are not a professional in these matters, let someone else make an informed decision.

Yes, when people show they need you, that's a good time to shrug them off. Don't risk letting them becoming a burden to you. Other people's crises are not your responsibility. It's Christmas! You deserve better (and they don't).

So what does the sister give back? Why is it all one-way

Why do you have to get something back in order to help somebody?

Why not include her on 24th??

I think you’re being a bit mean/not thinking, personally.

Help someone constantly? The op is not a therapist when does the op get to say enough is enough

But she said she’d kill herself. Does he hear this? Id tell her quite clearly that if she says this again you will have to tell someone.

I know, right? I hope none of those posters have said anything elsewhere about family being important at Christmas. There's no way I'd treat my sibling like this.

I am staggered by your total flippancy and indifference op and I can really see why she feels so deeply unloved.

She has a mother that can’t emotionally support her in your words. She is literally alone in the world or that is how she feels.

We always take suicidal feelings seriously, always. Particularly when someone is very depressed. She is literally telling you she can’t cope.

Have you taken her to see a counsellor or therapist specialising in acute suicidal feelings/trauma?
Have you taken her to the GP for medication?
Have you spent time with her listening to her? Supported her emotionally.
Are you aware at some point she may actually go through with this and leave your nephew without any parents? And an orphan.

You are being extremely petty about the dinner in the circumstances, the extra people she probably views as more company, and feels excluded from a special dinner. If she is ill she won’t have the capacity to be ‘reasonable’ or come up with her own solutions.

How are you going to feel if the worst happens?

She sounds absolutely desperate, even to me.

This is not about the dinner, this is a cry for help and deep anguish. What on earth has she got to do before someone goes over and gives her a hug and tells her they will be there for her? She really isn’t coping, and you are ignoring the danger signs and pretending things aren’t extremely serious. Literally rearranging the chairs for dinner on the titanic.

For goodness sake op where is your basic humanity?

Completely agree

Agree. She sounds unstable and maybe you should consider inviting them for your nephew’s sake. You may find she declines in the end and nothing satisfies her but at least you tried. Why does everyone have to join in the same games? Improvise a seat or two, ask her to bring one or eat buffet style, that is just an excuse.

Please don’t do this. The police no longer do ‘welfare checks’ and this used to be only where someone was in acute crisis and potentially sectionable. Your sister sounds neither of these. This really isn’t a police matter and you’d be diverting time and attention from policing.

If you’re concerned she is in actual crisis (behaviour v uncharacteristic, not making sense, signs of preparation for suicide, erratic, self-neglecting etc) then the process to follow is ring 111 - select option 2. Crisis MH support and advice.

Does she have EUPD traits by any chance?

They're in Canada so those resources won't be relevant.

Has no one else read that the sister calls the OP up when she wants something, then drops her like a stone the rest of the time. If she doesn’t get her own way is insulting and rude!

Yes, families support each other, but it sounds like this has been going one way for a long time and nothing other than total submission to the sister’s whims would be enough. This isn’t a one off crisis, but an ongoing pattern.

She makes demands, which when aren’t met result in tantrums, personal attacks and now dramatic threats of suicide. Yes the sister needs help but that isn’t on the OP to drop everything when ever the sister clicks her fingers.

She has FOMO not loneliness. The Christmas meal with her actual relations is much more suitable and supportive.

The next time she screams suicide, report it to the police, thats the thing we've seen advised before - whatever you do, dont reward the behaviours by inviting her over. Protect the peace of your own household from her and her brat kid.

I'm sorry but the insults would cross a line here for me.
I would be laying some very clear boundaries here, you can support her without being downtrodden or yours or your family's needs being compromised. Both your DH and his adult children are entitled to some time together without others altering the dynamics.
I have supported a sibling who was actively suicidal, took them into my home and worked with them to help resolve the most pressing issues, etc so I understand the position you are in but it helps no-one if you are feeling resentful or stressed by her demands.
DH has a family member who does similar to your sister in wanting to select their prefernces and expecting others to fit in, playing the "but I'll be lonely" card if not accommodated. He is just polite but firm when it doesn't work for us and has far less trouble than his siblings who bend over backwards to cosset them. We have all wondered if there is a bit of a power/control issue going on.

If you want to see the reason why our suicide rate is so high, here it is in the above post.

There is no such thing as ‘non dramatic’ feelings of suicide. It can be a devastating, devaluing human condition, and often unbearable for the sufferer.

If her feelings and needs are constantly ignored and overlooked within her family unit, it is often then a person will resort to manipulation and other techniques to try and get their needs met. It is not always a cynical ploy. It’s absolutely shocking that you have reduced this woman’s suffering in this way, you have no idea if she is being manipulative.

And whilst you say it’s not op’s problem, she is her sister and has some duty of care. We all do. The child could potentially be left without a mother at the age of six - even based on that possibility alone most people would act to support this poor woman.

The heartless attitude on display here is really quite staggering, I hope pp will never need support, love and care at points in their own lives when something awful happens to them. Karma has a wonderful way of catching up -

This thread news a trigger warning. I will message MNHQ now. I hope it isn’t affecting too many reading the utter disregard for human life featuring here.

• needs

Could it be that you both communicate in different ways, as it does seem to me that you may not have been listening? She sounds like she has a lot on her plate and she wasn't really complaining about the 24th, she was finding a way to express how alone she feels (whether she is or not is irrelevant, she may feel that she is). You then jumped in with a practical solution to what you heard as the problem, rather than letting her express how alone she was and seeing this as the bigger issue that it is? There is nothing wrong with being practical, but I can see how that can clash with someone who just wants to discuss a problem out loud, without any desire for someone else to solve it for them.

Treat your siblings how? By inviting them, but as soon as they hear that you have some other people on a different day, they start insisting on that day without caring about space issues, so you would right away change your plans, because they are your siblings?

I find your post very dramatic. My humanity?
No, I didn't take her anywhere, because it happened yesterday evening and I live far and have a family. Few hours later, she was sending me texts insulting me. AS USUAL. If she cried for help and was respectful and her request made sense, I would have maybe made an effort. It's not about rearranging chairs. I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CHAIRS AND ENOUGH SPACES AT THE TABLE. SO SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO STAND! And the ridiculous thing is that she's literally telling me that coming on the 25th is not special for her, she only wants to be there because she heard that my husband's kids whom she barely knows and has no connection with will be there and in her head, she imagines that it's special. I don't see how this will help her. I'll call the ressources and let them deal with her.