Sister saying she doesn't want to live after I told her to come on the 25th

[Anuta77]

So I'm having another drama with my sister.
She shared that she was feeling lonely as she's a single mother and has financial issues after her company went down.
I was planning on a holiday dinner. We are not Christian, she actually follows Judaism, but we don't have to have a dinner on a specific date. She told me that she would like to do something on the New Year Eve. But never confirmed. I had to insist that she calls me back.

So we're talking by phone and she says how sad she is that nobody is inviting her. I say that I do. On the 24th, my husband is inviting his son with gf and his daughter. If my sister came with my nephew (who is also sometimes difficult to handle) and my mom, it would make 10 people. I don't have enough sits. I also wanted to do some board games (didn't tell her that) and with my nephew and generally too many people, it feels more complicated.

So I tell her to come on the 25th. I also mention that on the 2nd of January, I invite some friends, she could come too. She starts going around finding some excuses as to why she's not happy, then reluctantly agrees. I tell her that it doesn't feel good, it's holidays, not some obligation. She tells me that as usual I'm not listening to her and not understanding. I insist that she tells me what's the issue and she starts yelling that she wants to su*cide and hangs up. I try to call back, she declines.
Should I invite her on the 24th because of her depression and loneliness? Obviously, the holiday mood would be ruined because I hate being pressured.

@Anuta77 She sounds like a drain and a drag who won't take responsibility for herself. She sounds emotionally manipulative. Maybe it's why she's single now, and/or why her company went bust.

You're not responsible for her. You're not her psychotherapist. It doesn't sound as if you're close. You've invited her to two things over the holidays, that should be enough.

I would try and fit them in on the 24th . It sounds like your sister really needs you right now.

I'd be cutting contact altogether, but then I loathe being blamed for other people's problems and used and abused by anyone.

I guess it's that, it's not the date the problem, because her reasoning was that she feels lonely in the evening and that things are closed in the evening on the 24th, but I reminded her that on the 25th, everything is closed the whole day, and she can still come in the evening, so I was really confused, but I have no experience with mental issues.

This.

To be honest, she barely communicates with me normally, I almost had to force her to call me so we can coordinate. And I called her a few days ago, but her son was sick so she declined, but today he was at school and she didn't call back.

So you don't actually think she will go ahead with the threat?

You are not her therapist. Please do not try to be, it will always end badly.

Call a suicide hotline if the keeps trying to blackmail you with suicide and ask for advice. If she is suicidal she should be dealt with by emergency services, if she is not then she is trying to manipulate you and blackmail you.

She sounds like she needs therapy. Could you talk to her kindly. Say you are worried and that her difficulties seemed bigger than Christmas issues. Suggest xmas isnt the issue and she needs professional help. But do it kindly. She may really be in a bad place.

I do dislike the whole cutting people off/ going no contact thing unless there is a very good reason. She does seem like she needs support, but probably from professionals rather than you.

If you think there's even a small possibility of her harming herself, please do call the police for them to do a welfare check, she has a small child with her and they need to be safe. In the longer term? Who knows, but immediate problems first.

How many children does your mum have? Maybe she wants a christmas with her mum and sister?

I dont think that she is manipulating you, but is maybe trying to get her point across and cant.

She sounds unwell and depressed. Did you argue before she hung up saying she was suicidal?

Yanbu as suicide threats are awful for the person on the receiving end too. But if youre, it seems, leaving her out of a family gathering on the 24th, maybe thats why she is feeling upset?

You have offered 2 dates. Like you say, the 25th is better for her to be occupied as that’s when nowhere is open. Also if she comes to you on the 24th, what will she do on the 25th?

I think most people could be described as being "a drain and a drag" at some point in their life, though. Being alone at Christmas can be a trigger for people, I don't think there's any need for PP on here to be trying to escalate an already fraught situation.

And the idea about this being the reason she is single or that her business went bust (?!) seems more about you than anyone else, frankly.

woah!

I think everyone needs to calm down with the accusation that the sister is being manipulative.

what we do know:

-She’s a single parent with a child that has been described as difficult to manage
-She hasn’t had invites elsewhere
-She’s lost her business
-It’s Christmas time. Yes, I understand she isn’t Christian but this period of December is very focused on family and get togethers.
-she hasn’t stated she is lonely and is having suicidal thoughts.

OP, this isn’t about one day. But the whole thing about too many people for board games is utter nonsense!

Stop focusing on the 24th. Your sister is clearly not coping. Now it may be that you feel unable or unwilling to help her over the holidays but the least you can do, is bring in other family members to check on her and the nephew. Does she need help with basic like food shopping etc? Maybe you can do something like that instead?

It’s clear you don’t want them there on the 24th (board game excuse) and maybe she is picking up on that. So don’t have them over, but put in place some sort of plan to make sure she is ok over holidays.

The OP has invited her sister over on the 25th and another day during the holiday period. How much more do you think the OP should do to "make sure she is OK over the holidays"?

Are you not in the UK? Everything's open late on Christmas Eve here!

I know the night of the 24th is the big event in some countries - and it's not the real issue here anyway - but this just struck me as the icing on a very manipulative Christmas cake!

Agree with everyone else, of course. You've already made generous offers; you are not obliged to farm your family out as mental health support; sincere suicide threats should be reported to the cops and/or whichever health services you have access to.

I'm very sorry she's feeling like this, and also sorry she's trying to make it your fault. It isn't.

A date which other family members won’t be there and she’s the one not invited on the 24th because of a board game crisis.

I have some experience with friends with mental issues. When they go quiet, when they don’t want to / can’t speak on the phone, that’s when they need you the most. Please don’t leave her alone. She has told she how’s she’s feeling. Please be there for her.

*you

Is it that she feels excluded from the main celebration? That everyone is invited together for a meal and games, then she’s invited separately? I can see why that would sting.

Talking about suicide is not manipulative. Most people who complete suicide will have voiced those thoughts.

I told her that I also barely have any invites. Actually only one and from a new friend, because someone probably cancelled, so she invited me. And that many people are alone on holidays, so in a way, she's not that bad to have dinner with her sister's family.

But apparently (because she wasn't saying it directly, I guess because she herself must have been ashamed of that), having dinner with my stepchildren whom she barely knows is cooler than just with our family, i.e. me+kids, her+kid and our mom. And that is insulting to me. I didn't tell her about board games!

She lives close to our mom and interacts with her often, my mom is not good for emotional support, but she does help her a lot with other things. I do try to support her when she shares her issues, but not when she accuses me of god knows what, so the only thing she notices is that I'm supposedly disrespectful.

She’s obviously struggling. Tell her to think about coming, the invite is open for 25th and 2nd and see how she feels. Then gently suggest she goes to her GP and ask for help as she needs some professional help.

I know the night of the 24th is the big event in some countries - and it's not the real issue here anyway - but this just struck me as the icing on a very manipulative Christmas cake!

Love this! We're in Canada and stores are open until 17h I think. But this excuse doesn't make much sense. If you know that you're going to a dinner the next day, why feel lonely the day before?

She never told me she wanted to come on the 24th. Last week, her preference was the 31st. I think it's only because of my stepchildren, but I personally rarely see them, so it's not like I'm celebrating with the special people and she's left out.

Wrong.