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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over daughters relationship with much older gent

125 replies

roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:27

My daughter 19 has recently told me she’s been dating an older guy that’s 45 and unmarried. They have been getting along well and recently she’s hinted at getting engaged sometime next year. We’ve not met the partner and she doesn’t fully share details. Am I right to be hesitant and if so how can I get her to talk to me

OP posts:
curious79 · 16/12/2025 07:29

I can see why you feel hesitant, but I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it. In fact, I would caution offering any kind of warning or advice to her as that could actually drive her deeper into his arms. I know if some couples were there are 20 or so year age gaps and they have been phenomenally successful. Personally I find this thought a bit sickening. I never fancied older men.

remember keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer. Fully welcoming this man into the family fold and asking her about all her good friends from school will be the only way to really see what he’s really like.

Original poster
roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:30

I’ve not been against her dating him, it’s more so he’s hesitant on coming to meet me in which I’ve offered multiple times and he’s declined due to work.

OP posts:
bizkittt · 16/12/2025 07:31

Gross. Hopefully it will fizzle out or she’ll be wiping his arse when she’s in her 50s

Original poster
roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:32

See im not trying to end I just want to meet the guy and see how he is

OP posts:
GKG1 · 16/12/2025 07:33

Absolutely right to be hesitant - what good man would do this? Have you said anything yet? Maybe start by probing what are her friends’ opinions - I bet they will be appalled too. Ask her why that may be. Lots of open questions to get her talking. But it’s ok to tell her what you think.

Just go gently and do it from a place of showing you’re getting how she feels, how it must be exciting with this mature man who will flatter her and spend money on her. But asking her to consider that they are both in completely different life stages. Does she want to have kids? Does she want to be his carer? Has she thought about the power dynamic at play and how he is exploiting her?

Mumdiva99 · 16/12/2025 07:33

Try all you can to meet him. Kill him with kindness. Once you show her that he has more in common with your generation than hers (e.g. TV and music references) it will kill the attraction.
Maybe his reluctance to meet you is because he is a player and not actually serious bout settling down - hence dating 19 year olds....in which case this will fizzle out.
Play the long game here.

Original poster
roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:35

Mumdiva99 · 16/12/2025 07:33

Try all you can to meet him. Kill him with kindness. Once you show her that he has more in common with your generation than hers (e.g. TV and music references) it will kill the attraction.
Maybe his reluctance to meet you is because he is a player and not actually serious bout settling down - hence dating 19 year olds....in which case this will fizzle out.
Play the long game here.

Initially that’s what I thought but he’s asked her if she’s open to moving in with him. I’ve spoken to her friends and they say he’s a really good guy and that she enjoys being with him

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2025 07:35

This is utterly grim. How can you not know that he’s obviously totally dodgy?!? Are you interested in dating a teenager yourself? It’s too late now to help, that chat should have been had years ago, not that you want to!

he won’t want to meet you, because his assumption based on how most mothers would feel about this, would be that you will think he’s grim.

DallazMajor · 16/12/2025 07:36

Anyone aged 45 who wants to date a 19 year old is a fucking weirdo.

Also if it was a 45 year old woman dating a 19 year old lad there would be outrage.

bignewprinz · 16/12/2025 07:36

He's not coming to meet you because he knows he's a bit of a wrongun and he's embarrassed about it.

Hopefully she'll get bored of him soon!

PoliteSquid · 16/12/2025 07:36

That’s so gross. My BIL met his wife like this. They were 18 and 40 when they first met.

YANBU to want to meet him. It’s a massive red flag that he is avoiding it. Speaks volumes about the power dynamic between them.

Original poster
roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:37

arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2025 07:35

This is utterly grim. How can you not know that he’s obviously totally dodgy?!? Are you interested in dating a teenager yourself? It’s too late now to help, that chat should have been had years ago, not that you want to!

he won’t want to meet you, because his assumption based on how most mothers would feel about this, would be that you will think he’s grim.

ive looked up his business on Facebook etc so know he’s a legit guy and not into anything fidget. But his reluctance to meet is what is disturbing

OP posts:
DallazMajor · 16/12/2025 07:38

roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:35

Initially that’s what I thought but he’s asked her if she’s open to moving in with him. I’ve spoken to her friends and they say he’s a really good guy and that she enjoys being with him

Show quote history

Give over.

He’s a pervert.

Original poster
roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:38

DallazMajor · 16/12/2025 07:38

Give over.

He’s a pervert.

Show quote history

its difficult to think that or make such assumption

OP posts:
DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 16/12/2025 07:40

If any of my 45 year old friends introduced me to their 19 year old girlfriend (or boyfriend) I’d be furious with them.

He won’t meet you because he knows he’s wrong.

Original poster
roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:41

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 16/12/2025 07:40

If any of my 45 year old friends introduced me to their 19 year old girlfriend (or boyfriend) I’d be furious with them.

He won’t meet you because he knows he’s wrong.

See I’m not against the idea I’m just wanting to make sure he’s a good guy for her. She speaks about him positively which is what confuses me

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2025 07:41

roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:37

ive looked up his business on Facebook etc so know he’s a legit guy and not into anything fidget. But his reluctance to meet is what is disturbing

Show quote history

No op. A middle aged man wanting to go out with a teenager is what is disturbing,

having a legit job doesn’t actually make someone a good person.

do you know any grown ups you can talk to about this?

DallazMajor · 16/12/2025 07:42

roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:38

its difficult to think that or make such assumption

Show quote history

Not For most people it isn’t.

bignewprinz · 16/12/2025 07:44

roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:41

See I’m not against the idea I’m just wanting to make sure he’s a good guy for her. She speaks about him positively which is what confuses me

Show quote history

She's a young adult with limited experience of men/the world and she's probably been - for want of a better word - groomed.

I had a terrible relationship at her age that I wouldn't dream of entertaining now.

Original poster
roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:44

arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2025 07:41

No op. A middle aged man wanting to go out with a teenager is what is disturbing,

having a legit job doesn’t actually make someone a good person.

do you know any grown ups you can talk to about this?

Show quote history

I don’t unfortunately as I don’t want people who know her to change their attitude against her as silly as it sounds

OP posts:
Avantiagain · 16/12/2025 07:49

"its difficult to think that or make such assumption"

A decent 45 year old man knows that he shouldn't go there.

Doggymummar · 16/12/2025 07:54

My friend married at 19 to a 40 year old divorced man with children her age. They had two children and multiple grandchildren and have just celebrated 30 years together. It's not all doom and gllom

Original poster
roshanner · 16/12/2025 07:54

Doggymummar · 16/12/2025 07:54

My friend married at 19 to a 40 year old divorced man with children her age. They had two children and multiple grandchildren and have just celebrated 30 years together. It's not all doom and gllom

Exactly what my thoughts are.

OP posts:
DallazMajor · 16/12/2025 07:55

What does her dad think about all this?

I mean I’m guessing they’re a similar age? I’m going to assume he’s not on the scene otherwise he may have caved this perverts head in.

MermaidMummy06 · 16/12/2025 07:57

There's nothing good about a man in his 40's with a 19 year old. It's a power imbalance, control, etc.

He doesn't want to meet you as then he'll be accountable for his actions, have to start doing the visiting family thing, or you DD will see he's more like you than her.

Tbh if find it difficult to not ask him what he sees in a 19 year he can't get from someone his own age. Hopefully your DD gets bored when he won't do 19 year old type things & move on.