AIBU over daughters relationship with much older gent

[roshanner]

My daughter 19 has recently told me she’s been dating an older guy that’s 45 and unmarried. They have been getting along well and recently she’s hinted at getting engaged sometime next year. We’ve not met the partner and she doesn’t fully share details. Am I right to be hesitant and if so how can I get her to talk to me

This. She has years to get engaged and married and all the responsibilities that go with it.

My daughter was in the same position. Same age and the man was a similar age. She moved away with him with my blessing because I was always confident that she'd out grow him. And she did. She came home after being with him for 2 years
All you can do is be supportive otherwise you'll push her away. Let her know that it's her life and her decision but you'll always be there for her xx

I reckon he's putting off meeting you because he's nervous you may pass judgment on their age gap.

Christmas is a great opportunity to invite him again.

I am quite surprised by all the judgemental messages here. I had just turned 22 when I started dating my 41 year old work colleague. That was over 14 years ago and we are now married with two beautiful children. He is an amazing father and loving husband. When together, right from the start we easily forgot there was an age difference.

Not once have I ever felt a power imbalance/controlling behaviour and for those suggesting financial imbalance, I overtook him years ago both in terms of salary and savings and it made not one difference to our relationship. We started dating because we got on so well and could talk for hours and to this day he remains my best friend and someone I have so much in common with.

Maybe our situation is rare but it does exist. My husband was nervous to meet my parents as he knew they may object but he didn't actually refuse I suppose although delayed as long as he could. Luckily for us, my parents obviously had concerns but the more they met him the more they realised he truly loved me and I wasnt some ego trip. Hopefully this young girl has found love and friendship just like I did and she sounds very lucky to have a mum who isnt so judgemental and negative, just understandably concerned.

I think you have a valid concern given the reluctance to meet you.

I'd suspect the kind of man who would dump your daughter once she got to 30 or so.

He's 26 years older than her. When she is his age he'll be 71. Would he consider dating a 71 year old woman right now? I'm guessing not.

Imagine if it was a 45 year old woman sleeping with a 19 year old boy though? Not sure why men always feel it’s ok. Quite disturbing to think he was already in his thirties while she was still wearing nappies 🤮

It's great for an insecure 45 year old man to be with a 19 year old who looks up to him for his "wisdom" and never challenges him.

@roshanner that he doesn't want to meet you is a red flag right there because he knows you will see through his shit; pervy middle aged man who wants to shag someone young.

He feels ashamed that’s why, too big an age that he’s probably like a sugar daddy to her yuk

Yuck

The whole relationship is disturbing

There is nothing positive about this age gap... he is five years off being 50 .
Your daughter is just starting out in life I would not be happy.
This man needs to walk away I'd be fuming.

He is probably nervous about judgement. In my early 20s I had a relationship with a divorced man who already had children. He was the one who broke it off in the end as he realised he didn't want more children. Maybe your daughter's guy will come to his senses too.

Yes do this

it’s not right in terms of power balance - he shouldn’t be doing it

and I say that as a wife of someone 26 years older! Sadly not here any longer

A 45 year old interested in a 19 year old is a fucking creep. Tell her that. When she’s 45 she’ll remember what you said, know it to be true and be glad you tried to protect her, even if she didn’t listen

My friend married at 19 to a 40 year old divorced man with children her age. They had two children and multiple grandchildren and have just celebrated 30 years together. It's not all doom and gllom

No, indeed. But most are.

30 years? Great. Fucking long time ago. Everything has changed the world since then.

But we are sailing/stumbling into 2026 in 2 weeks.

British parents are bizzare to me.

If I did this when I was 19, my Irish mam would have murdered me.

Put your foot down and tell her to end it and maybe teach her what grooming is.

Also wonder what his kids feel about it. His kids from his first marriage I mean.

It’s bizarre right?

I’m late 30s and a 19 year old got through my age filters on app somehow and starting chatting to me.

I immediately said how sweet and polite he was and how he reminded me of my friends son 😂 it was true but I also said this to make it clear there was going to be no romance.

I encouraged him to pursue things with a girl his age and to keep being so polite and charming then kept it moving.

tbh I would have just blocked kids normally but he did genuinely seem like a lovely boy that would’ve been great for a girl his age so I wanted to say something nice before ending the chat lol

The thought of actually dating a teen is gross and selfish. Even when I was in my early 20s I wasn’t interested in teenagers.

I’m not sure this post is genuine. Why would anyone be so accepting and passive about it?

Why are you being so passive about it? Have you not heard of grooming? This is beyond creepy. Get a grip for your daughters sake! There’s probably a very good reason why he’s never been married before. She’s still a teenager and he’s a predatory creep approaching his 50s who likes shagging young girls. You’re her mother, stop being a drip act like one ffs 🤦‍♀️

The daughter is 19, deal with this being too pushy and you could make him look more desirable. I agree it's creepy but it isn't illegal and she is an adult in the eyes of the law.

My mum was scary, she smacked me and i was an obedient kid. When i dated a 47yr old at 18 though, anything she said or did would have been fucking irrelevant as i was legally an adult! I would have laughed had she 'told' me anything.

This happened to our niece, but she was 17. 10 plus years down the line, a child and a happy marriage. You can never tell.

I got married when I was 17, he was 20 - we managed 25 years. I would not have been able to put up with an Irish mammy as I was too rebellious. Strange as I now live in Ireland and see it first hand how me, back in the 70s and 80s in London had an absolute wonderful time and my friends here were brought up not to have notions and having fun was unheard of. Plus condoms were actually illegal until the mid 80s. Irish Women were, and still are here, very downtrodden - I personally would have told them to feck off.