AIBU over daughters relationship with much older gent

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My daughter 19 has recently told me she’s been dating an older guy that’s 45 and unmarried. They have been getting along well and recently she’s hinted at getting engaged sometime next year. We’ve not met the partner and she doesn’t fully share details. Am I right to be hesitant and if so how can I get her to talk to me

Well I'd certainly hope he's unmarried! It is a big age gap. Maybe for a fling it could be fun. But thinking of marriage is a bit much. Will she really want to be with a pensioner in her 30s?!

Strangely, and I know you will find it hard to believe, not all men are creeps. This happened in our family and our niece has a very happy marriage and a child, still the same age gap though. It does sometimes work

That’s a bigger age gap than I have between me and my children! While I enjoy their company (they’re either side of your dd in age) and feel like we have more in common than we would if I’d have had them older, we are still different generations. My DDs think it’s weird that DH (their dad) and I got together when I was 18 and he was 25! I didn’t think young people were as accepting of age gaps these days.

hopefully it’ll all just fizzle out.

Does she not think it’s weird that a grown man who wants to move in with her is scared to meet her parents?

Still a creep.

Agreed.

40 and 65 is IMO not advisable, due to how close the man (assuming its the man who is 65) is to retirement/old age while 40s is definitely not elderly so I feel it’s a mismatch and a man maybe be looking for a nurse/purse. But its not necessarily creepy in the same way - although I wouldn’t choose it for myself

19 and 45 however, IS plain creepy though. Imagine being middle aged with all
this adult life experience from
work, travel, relationships, adult socialising etc and dating someone who was probably in high school the previous year?!

Oh, don't be silly. You don't have to be Irish to know that getting married when you're in your teens is a fundamentally stupid idea, and that it not turning out to be a disaster is pure luck. And I can assure you that fun did exist in Ireland before the legalisation of contraception, and that we were having sex, even if accessing contraception was a challenge -- I suggest you look up the history of contraception in Ireland to inform yourself better.

And enough with the dimwit generalisations about Irish women. It must be absolutely terrible for you to live among such downtrodden people, with your Fun London Past.

The most downtrodden women as a group I've come across in my life are a disturbingly numerous group of Mners, who are primarily British.

Do you know how she met him, OP? If they happened to meet each other “in real life” and hit it off, I’d be slightly less suspicious than if, say, they met online and he was intentionally trying to find a very young woman. But either way, the fact that she’s not giving you many details and you haven’t met him is concerning.

Also, 17 and 20 is entirely different from 19 and 45. I am not saying it’s a great idea to get married in your teens in any case but there is no comparison between a young adult (20) marrying an older teen (17) and a middle aged person marrying a teen.

I only know one couple who married super young - 16 (the boy) and 17 (the girl) They are still together madly in love two decades later.

The boys parents discouraged it initially but then got over it quickly and paid for the wedding, but I imagine if the woman had been 36 and not 17 - and marrying their 16 year old child they’d rightly not have been so tolerant!

It’s so obviously creepy. I don’t get why anyone is pretending. Just because they have a mate for a cousin who did it. They’re in creep situations too!

mature adults who seek out just legal teenagers to date and groom into marriage before they’re ready are grim. It’s not just the age gap, it’s the targeting of very new adults without much experience who they will look like the great wise and mature person to forever.

they don’t want partners they want acolytes.

Yes, he's made time to.meet her friends but not her.

I used to know a girl who at 18/19 was dating a woman 20 years her senior. Parents seemed ok with it because they were same sex. The older woman used to go round and just hang out in her bedroom with her and all her teenage friends. So bizarre.

Whatever about the huge age gap which is grim, she is only 19 and has had barely any life experience or dating or anything .i would be very concerned. I wouldn’t wish that kind of life on a 19 year old, i wouldn’t even want her getting engaged to a person her own age that young.

off the back of this thread, I glanced at the sixth form boys walking home yesterday, some will be 19 or thereabouts. I’m thereabouts his age.

not. A. Fucking. Chance.

it is absolutely ridiculous. They will have nothing in common. There is not the slightest chance that they will. So it’s a trade off, youth for money.

why anyone would want that for their daughters is baffling.

Not all 65 year olds are elderly dodderers. Some are still quite fit, still working in the professions, running marathons and such.

I have a similar age gap with my DH but we met when we were older. I also introduced him to my parents pretty early on and they got on like a house on fire!! My concern would be more you aren't meeting him than the age gap.....

how is that difficult to think or assume, in general, that there is something wrong with a middle aged man wanting to 'be with' a teenager (i.e. a long-term emotionally engaged association)?

I didn’t say otherwise, I mean of course age doesn’t always correlate with fitness levels. My point was more that 65 is edging much closer to 70 which is closer to the description - and the reality - of being elderly, than 40 is.

And I would say that even some of the very fit and active 65/70 year olds often start to have age related illness and mobility issues around then.

I know quite a few older runners who saw it had a negative impact on their bodies as they grew older as running can be quite harsh on joints. Same goes for people (usually men) who did manual labour for most of their life into their 50s and 60s.

My question to older men who try and push it and band about the “age is just a number” thing is always “ how many 60 year old women did you date in your 40s?” And they are kind of stumped because the answer is usually zero. They didn’t and still don’t - even at their age- find those women desirable or feel that they are “dateable”.

I think the patriarchy tells older men they look much younger and better than they think and they deserve the “hotter, younger woman” and I for one have never been interested in encouraging their delusions.

But I digress 😂 the main point was while a 65 year is not for me I certainly wouldn’t say it’s creepy the way a teen with a 45 year old is.

Agree.

How old are you OP? Could it be they are both embarrassed about him meeting you if you are a similar age. The thought on my daughter bringing home someone my age is absolutely repulsive to be honest. What can they even have in common?!

Yep, you have just proved my point - very bitter. Also racist - I was only going by what I have seen and been told by many Irish women.

But how old is he yet, obvs we all only going one direction with our age and there are obvs tipping points…

So… she is ‘bitter’, and your ‘pointing that out’ is … what? Sweet? All Irish women are ‘bitter’ is the implication of what you have written, was it your intent to communicate that? Apologies if you have miscommunicated (I hope you have, for your own sake, we all do on occasion). And where does ‘race’ come into this? Both are quite racially diverse countries now (Ireland MASSIVELY changed in that regard inthe last couple of decades, for the good imho). Or are white English and what Irish people different races? I really don’t think Irish women are downtrodden, as a whole, not at all, and your very premise alludes to the ‘strong Irish mammy’ which is entirely inconsistent with your allusion.. finally, per PP I suggest you read up on the tumultuous history of reproductive rights in Ireland which were god awful for much longer than some other places but no, condoms we’re not ‘illegal’, they just needed to be prescribed! :)

Nothing to do with this thread but your comment really made me so sad. Everything that happened was because of your Mum. How a mother could have that attitude in this day and age is beyond me. It was like that in the 50s and still is in backward cultures but not in 2000. I can only say that I hope he has mellowed with age and stops making use of you.Be safe !

What happened with this OP? Have you met him yet?