AIBU over daughters relationship with much older gent

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My daughter 19 has recently told me she’s been dating an older guy that’s 45 and unmarried. They have been getting along well and recently she’s hinted at getting engaged sometime next year. We’ve not met the partner and she doesn’t fully share details. Am I right to be hesitant and if so how can I get her to talk to me

I would imagine this scenario to be VERY rare.

Rare and zero chance that the woman is happy. The man I’m sure celebrated. The woman so abused that she’s lost sight of what’s normal.

Just because your teenage daughter speaks positively about someone old enough to be her dad doesn’t mean he’s a good guy. No wonder she’s making these decisions. You sound so wet. That’s a bigger age gap between me and my parents.

"My friend married at 19 to a 40 year old divorced man with children her age. They had two children and multiple grandchildren and have just celebrated 30 years together. It's not all doom and gllom"

I think things were different 30 years ago. Big age gap relationships were more common. Teenage age girls dating men 10 or 15 years older happened a lot. Times have changed.

The 90s were a time predatory men got away with a lot of things. My friend (15-16) was having 'an affair' with an older married man. When it all came out, the wife beat my friend up. In the town, my friend was considered a slag and in the wrong and that was that. Can you imagine that scenario today?

I have countless stories from the 90s about the behaviour of men inc teachers. It was a grim time tbh.

My DD is almost 18 and i’d be horrified if she started a relationship with someone a few years younger than me. He is probably reluctant to meet you as he is going to see he is more your age and dating a 19yr old is grim.

Christ do your best to knock on this head OP, not sure how, but it is beyond grim.

Op, keep your DD close and all avenues of communication open. Tell her that you are there for her and don't criticise. She's 19 - the age when she thinks that she knows it all!

And for all those saying that it could all work out - odds are that Op's DD is in a relationship with a real power imbalance at the very least. Let's not pretend otherwise.

Let's cut to the chase, is he eye wateringly wealthy?

Not that it makes a big difference in the perversion of a middle-aged man wanting to date a teen but all the huge age gap relationships I know of, money absolutely plays a role. A few turned out quite successful, in the sense of still married, kids, house etc but money was always a factor.

For some girls, dating a much older, wealthy man is a shortcut to a great life and there's nothing wrong with that. They easily bypass the struggle years and have access to a huge network of interesting people, travel experiences, food, real estate etc. This also makes life planning decisions much easier since they can afford to have a baby right away or spend years travelling in luxury, or whatever she feels like.

Because with all other things being equal, there's no earthly reason why a teenager will want to date a broke 45 year-old man.

What a creep. I can’t understand your hesitation.

Oh God I absolutely dread this situation with my own DD. I was 18 when I met her dad at 26, tale as old as time he ended up being abusive, ill be drilling into both of mine that big age gaps are a massive red flag when their young

He is vile and she is flattered and naive

He’s not a good guy. It’s been going on for a year which means a 44yo man chose the youngest possible person to date without going out with an actual child.

That's speculation. We've been friends since primary and they have the most solid marriage out of any of us. I'm divorced three times married 4 in the time they have been together.

It is a worrying age gap for sure .However people saying hes a pervert is simply ludicrous ! Many older men have younger wives ,especially wealthy ones! Mick Jagger Rod Stewart etc.I think he is probably embarrassed at the age gap.I would just say its an open invitation.

I have dated older men and, reflecting on that in my 40s, I can absolutely guarantee you that it's not even remotely healthy. First of all, what does it say about the emotional and intellectual capacity of a 45 year-old if he finds a 19-year-old even remotely interesting to interact with? Not much. Of course, we all think of ourselves as terribly mature at the age of 19 but we were children. Children!
Secondly, the power dynamic is terribly imbalanced. Again, from my experience, your daughter is either babied (or, in man's words "well looked after") or, worse, controlled. And that control can be very subtle...at first.
Thirdly, the man who chases youth will always chase youth. Which means your daughter will eventually "expire". If she is dead set on moving in with him, I suggest a serious conversation about rock solid contraception and carrying on with her plans for education and career.
Fourthly, even if everything is absolutely above board and he is a fantastic guy, she will eventually outgrow him.

And I wouldn't put much stock into everyone thinking he is a nice guy. In fact, this is talked about during safeguarding training - many abusers go undetected by community because they present as "nice guys".

When I was 18 i had a 4yr relationship woth a 47yr old guy. My family were MORTIFIED, but once they met him they actually loved him. He didnt have a dominant bone in his body, i liked him because he was funny and kind and just an easygoing good time - proper golden retriever boyfriend. I grew up and he didnt, ironically i moved on to a guy my own age who was a controlling miserable fuck, got married and had children with him :/ (now with a guy like the first one but my own age, still look back on the first one favourably of all my relationships tho.)

My childhood friend met a much older guy, they are still together donkey's years later, kids etc all fine.

I do agree it's spidey-sense triggering, but just ride it out.

I was 19 when I met the man who would become my husband. He was 31. He seemed like the loveliest man you could ever want to meet. He treated me well (I realise now he love bombed me and took advantage of the fact I had recently suffered a trauma). The truth is, by the time I was living with him etc the mask was beginning to slip, but I felt trapped because my mum told me once I moved out that was it, there was no going back to them. So I felt I had made my bed and needed to lie in it. 27 years later and I’m a miserable woman with an emotionally abusive husband who clearly doesn’t love me but won’t let me leave. I did all the heavy lifting with the kids and the house for years. I cannot remember the last time I felt happy.

Whatever you do, make sure your daughter knows she can ALWAYS come back to you if she thinks she made a mistake. Don’t let her get stuck with a guy who’s with her because she’s easier to control because she thinks you won’t take her home.

As a teenager, it’s so flattering when these older men show an interest. We don’t realise how dangerous they can actually be.

I’d say the chances of the DD being the sort of worldly 19yo who could maybe hold her own in a relationship with a 45yo man are extremely slim, given the wilful naïveté of OP.

I would keep inviting him, when he keeps refusing, ask your daughter why. Say you’re keen to meet him, be friendly, kind and interested.
Maybe the fact he never can / doesn’t want to, will make her question things,

No matter how nice he is, or how well he treats her the fact he is 45 and she is 19 would ring alarm bells for me. I’m sure there are plenty of people who have had amazing relationships with older people, but I’d still be concerned. I struggle to see what they’d have in common tbh, but without meeting him, who knows.

It’s a huge age gap, but any criticism may lead her closer to him.
you are absolutely right to be concerned and his reluctance to meet you makes it worse.

It’s a massive shame that the daughter hasn’t got anyone to advocate for her or advise her.
op - your understanding on middle aged men and their motives for dating teenagers is very very low. In your first instance, I would advise you research this.

I am 56 and my husband who I’ve been married to for 35 years is 80. We met, dated, married (but no kids as he had a vasectomy), but I don’t regret this. I had a fantastic career and travelled the world and lived is USA for 9 years. We are back in the uk, both of us are fit, healthy and still love each other. My mum and dad had concerns at the start but kept a still tongue, other family members and my mother’s friends were negative. My mum and dad’s behaviour set the tone for a fantastic ongoing relationship all our lives. We went on hols with them for 9 years, they came out to USA every single year. We have had an amazing life, marriage, careers and support each other in different ways. Yes now I’m 55 I am concerned that I will lose my partner before I’m ready, but I rationalise that this can happen to anyone and what we have had has been great. We did have to plan our life differently, ie he took a step back in his career as mine took off and he became housekeeper, concierge, holiday booker etc. and I had to work hard to maximise my earnings so I could retire early. It’s possible… but it needs maturity, planning and good health.

I presume he's embarrassed that he's closer to your age than your daughter? He must know that you have good reason to be cautious too, as he would be in your shoes.

A middle aged man dating a 19 year old is gross....

I would always question the motivations of any man who targets such young women.

Just because they've stayed together doesn't make it a success. I know a couple who got together when she was 16 and he in his late 30s. They were married until he died. The change in her since shes been "free" is astonishing. It's the grooming that was a "success" not the marriage.