AIBU over daughters relationship with much older gent

[roshanner]

My daughter 19 has recently told me she’s been dating an older guy that’s 45 and unmarried. They have been getting along well and recently she’s hinted at getting engaged sometime next year. We’ve not met the partner and she doesn’t fully share details. Am I right to be hesitant and if so how can I get her to talk to me

It's really not.

I'm a 42 year old man. I work in a university so am surrounded by people your daughters age every day.

They're like kids, I have absolutely nothing in common with them. This man has absolutely nothing in common with your daughter. He doesn't care about your daughter, he cares about the fact he's shagging a 19 year old.

He's a disgusting perv, and the sooner you realise that, the better able you'll be to help your daughter get out of this shitshow when the time comes.

He’s not embarrassed. He knows that she will see him for what he is, unlike a starry eyed teen. He wants her kept at arm’s length.

He’s old enough to be her dad and then some
he is reluctant to meet you because he is embarrassed that he is dating a person young enough to be his own daughter and he knows what the majority of people would think about that and

that’s it’s pervy icky and just gross

I’ve been thinking about this over the school run this morning! I have to say, I’m quite concerned about your responses @roshanner. Do you mean it’s difficult to think about your DD being with a potential pervert? Or it’s difficult for you to assume that a man who pursues a teen whom he has more power than in virtually every way - is a pervert?

Im wondering about your age and your own relationship history. I think your gut instinct that him not wanting to meet you is a concern, is what you should listen to.

Re your concern that you don’t want your friends judging your DD - not silly like you said but again concerning because it is HIM who needs judged. Of course a man in his 40s who’s been through the mill, looks at a beautiful young teenager giving him attention, is attracted. BUT, and huge but, good men know that they are not what a teenager needs, and they do not act on that attraction. Teenagers are vulnerable (no matter how much they think they are not and may not seem it) and just finding out about themselves and relationships. The potential for grooming and manipulation is huge. If there are a handful of examples in the world where this isn’t the case - great - but around the world, the story of young women being manipulated and exploited by older men is a tale as old as time.

How you intervene skilfully is a harder matter. But first things first, you can’t help her if you also have a very naive view of relationships. It’s good you posted so that you can think this over.

That’s a bit different. Their wives were fully functioning adults when they met with a history, not a girl barely out of puberty. And yes, 19 might technically be an ‘adult’ but today’s 19 year olds are very much still children. I have yet to meet one who looks, talks and acts like a mature 30 year old.

Whatever his age, the fact that he won't meet with you is concerning.
Why? Does he intend to conduct his entire marriage in isolation? What is he hiding/afraid of?

As someone nearer your age than your daughter's age, you would think he would be very mindful of your concerns and very eager to meet you to try to put your mind at rest. It's extremely worrying that this isn't the case.

My friend married a man 20 years her senior. All fine when they were younger. Now she is only 60, fit, active, adventurous, open minded, independent, wants to travel. He is 80. Increasingly unwell with multiple issues, no energy, stuck in his ways, a bit of a sexist dinosaur who does nothing about the house, just sits in his chair, watches golf and wants his tea cooked. She is facing a retirement of this.

Either she is exceptionally mature or he is exceptionally immature but unfortunately there is nothing you can do.

Large age gaps are not inherently problematic (other than the obvious age/life stage/health stuff), but the age on meeting is definitely relevant. If your daughter was in her late 20s she might be experienced enough to make a considered choice to be with a man old enough to be her father. At 19 she’s barely out of childhood.

Whilst I can understand a young woman being flattered by the attentions of an older man, I can’t imagine what kind of man would, at 45, pursue a teenaged girl. He’s either vastly socially and emotionally inadequate, or he’s looking for a creepily young partner, or he wants a woman he can control. None of these things are good, OP.

And the fact he’s dragging his heels over meeting you means he knows it. I’m sure he’ll feel 10 feet tall out and about with your child on his arm, but face to face with her parents he’ll be feeling the shame and discomfort that he fucking well ought to.

(edit for typos)

Hes not a pervert; shes a young adult probably with some sexual experience, not a child or an innocent young teenager. But he is very much older and she may not be mature enough to look ahead and see how this may pan out. Staying close and keeping asking to meet him is the way to go. It should be easier once she's living with him. You can pop in to drop something off when you know hes at home.

She’s 19, he’s 45. That in itself tells me he’s not a “good guy”. Can you imagine dating a teenager at your age?

A cautionary tale. I am now divorced and my ex who is 43 is "dating" a girl 22 years younger than him, and has been sleeping with her for at least a year so when she was basically your daughter's age.
He is a narcissist, addicted to validation (normally from s*x workers), and has openly told me he just doesn't want to be on his own. He is providing her with the life she thinks she wants, and she is too naive to see the truth, as he is very good at coming across as a "nice guy"
I know that she will have to learn the hard way as she hasn't listened to anyone who has tried to warn her. Please do your best to help your daughter in this situation.

You should be against her dating him !!
Jesus Christ , she’s 19 , he’s 45 !

You’re being remarkably sanguine about this. I would flip my lid (internally) and insist on meeting him, pronto!

He's not "a pervert".

(She's not a child. Men are programmed to look at young women.)

But he is a creep.

He's socially, culturally and probably emotionally insensitive. Probably controlling. Pretty uncaring. It's a bigger age-gap than the Prince Andrew/Virginia Giuffre age gap when she was trafficked.

Totally agree - you’ve nailed this with the observation he’s putting it off as yeah he’ll have to account for the attraction. I think he wants DD safely established in his home first and then ‘face the music’ afterwards when their relationship has already been formalised in a sense.

I just can’t see what a man edging towards 50 would have in common with a teenager. And I’m not surprised DD enjoys time with him as he’s probably able to pay for everything and even offer her to move in which her own age group obviously couldn’t.

I think there’s a certain type of man that as you say prefers the youngest woman he can find because unlike a woman his own age, he can control, influence and basically exert power over that due to their age and naivety they’re more likely to accept.

When i was 19 i was dating a man that was 45, well sleeping with him more than dating more of bed friends
Lasted a year i got bored moved on.
No regrets had some great times great sex we live we learn.

OP I can completely empathise with this I don’t want to be alarmist either. I was 19 and he was 37 it did not end well the power dynamic was too great a gap

i had therapy for years to try and undo the damage and now I’m my 40’s I can’t even see a teenager as a potential partner because it’s so wrong

he’s avoiding meeting you because he knows you will see straight through him

No wonder he doesn’t want to meet you. He’s embarrassed.

He's a middle aged man with a teenage trophy gf. Of course he's embarrassed to meet you. He knows that this is exactly what it looks like.

This isn't a relationship of equals. There's a power and financial imbalance and such a gap in their life stages. Is he looking for an incubator wife so he can have a kid or two? Does he have kids?

Op, id be concerned about her getting engaged at 19 to anyone, least of all a 45 year old. Shes awfully young.

He’s old enough to be her father 🤮 does he have kids?

There's a lot to think about with this:

1. they are on a different maturity level, that may manifest itself as being very different in terms of hobbies and interest. She might want to go clubbing but a 45 year old is a bit beyond that stuff!
2. what does she want to do with her life? Is a 45yr old going to want to rein her in.
3. does he have kids from previous relationships and if so is he likely to derail ambitions bu eating her to be a stepmother?
4. Does she want to be a mum is years to come and has she thought that at 45, he may.not be wanting a kid in 10 to 15 years from now.
5. What's the financial agreement if she moves in with him? If he has spent decades paying a mortgage, she won't have much of a leg to stand on of he kicks her out eventually.
6. they need to both think about the fact that if he plans to retire at say 65, his partner will be still 26 years away from retiring! Most couples usually want to retire and do things together, by the time she retires he will be over 90!

It's a lot to think about because when you are ok a relationship with someone more the same age, you go through all the milestones in life together.

He's probably very concerned as to what you think. At 19, my Dad was only 40 so personally I couldn't have envisaged this. However, I know of plenty of people with large age gaps and they have great relationships.

Yeah I would not be happy with this OP it’s too big an age gap. Not all age gap relationships are bad but shes way too young to be getting into this seriously. My son is 17, the thought of him being with someone older than me is laughable and frightening.

Just because it’s legal and was common 30 years ago doesn’t make it right. Have seen this few times and never ends well. My relative began a relationship with a 38 yr old man when she was late teens- he was her manager and met (groomed by) him when she was 16! Once he turned 40 he got incredibly jealous and controlling.

If she was 29, yeah I’d still think he was bit but at least she would had her 20’s to gain some life experience.

I think she would end up giving him her youth, particularly if he ties her down with kids soon, and she would end up 😊resentful. Maybe point out to her that when she was 14/15 he was 40/41 (so still a fortysomething man) I appreciate it’s difficult though and you don’t want to alienate her. I would do as PP said keep inviting him over, hopefully she will see that he’s more part of your generation rather than hers and the attraction will die.

That’s revolting and I would struggle not to say so.