Page 32 | Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

OneGreenPoster · 2025-12-15T19:23:19+00:00

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years. Just because he hasn't proposed yet. He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged. He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right. She was upset at the time, but it was left at that. Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold. I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

Sunflower459 · 15/12/2025 23:18

StepAwayFromMyCrutches · 15/12/2025 23:12

I strongly suspect so given how quickly he is willing to propose when faced with potential homelessness. What's that MN phrase? No man falls in love so fast as a man in need of a roof over his head.

And then once the roof is provided and feet are under the table, pipe down little woman, none of your silly timelines.

If I were the ex, I'd have told him to have his bags packed and be gone before I got back from the Christmas party. No one wants to come home from a good night out to find their ex lurking mournfully around.

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Yes, it is curious how his former concerns about marrying her seem to have vanished as the morning dew . . .

Blankscreen · 15/12/2025 23:18

For the girlfriend to have sat him down and had a very frank conversation then I suspect she has been dropping hints for a while.

Maybe that sit down was his final chance and he rebuffed her.

Sorry but I'm team girlfriend here. He had his chance and he missed it. Offering to go and buy a ring is probably too little too late.

She's 27 so has time to have some fun, find someone else and settle down. Good for her.

DeftWasp · 15/12/2025 23:19

Rainydayinlondon · 15/12/2025 23:17

There may be hope for him, but I think she will have to see how devastated he is and that her leaving him has made him realise how much he loves her.

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There is hope for him if he dusts himself off and moves on - I'd not be surprised if she has someone else lined up - or just doesn't want to know (both her prerogative)

Its bloody hard, but move on.

Sunflower459 · 15/12/2025 23:20

Charminggoldfinch · 15/12/2025 23:15

‘Starting again at 27 is risky she may now meet anyone for a few years’
OP - the girl is 27!!! That is so young! And even if she is as over the hill as you make out that gives even more reason for her to not waste another second on your son who won’t commit to the future which she wants to build for herself and her future family.

Nothing quite like the sunk cost fallacy to make a woman feel wanted . . . 😂

TwinklySquid · 15/12/2025 23:20

Women are wising up to not being strung along by men who will either never commit to anyone or are using them as a placeholder until someone “better” comes along.

Good on her.

JHound · 15/12/2025 23:20

DeftWasp · 15/12/2025 23:17

I agree, I'm a chap so usually totally useless with romance, but even I could suss out her bringing up getting married and asking about a timeframe was a huge hint that she'd rather get on with it.

OP If your DS was that hung up on her he should have gone and got a ring soon thereafter!

But I'd also say he's dodged a bullet, they clearly are not really that well suited, she's quite clinical, in that she's dumped him and doesn't want to know now - odds on she's found someone else.

And don't try to talk some sense into her, she has the right to make up her own mind on what she wants - and long term it will likely be better for both of them.

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There is nothing clinical about not wanting to marry a man who is only willing to suddenly propose because he is facing homelessness and realises there is no more free milk on offer.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/12/2025 23:20

OneGreenPoster · 15/12/2025 19:43

He spoke to her yesterday and told her he'd go out tomorrow and buy a ring and they could start planning
She said no that isn't what she wants now!
So I don't think she knows what she wants
Starting again at 27 is risky she may now meet anyone for a few years

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Don't be daft. Her ovaries aren't atrophying any time soon.

Your son's assumption that this young woman would keep him until such time as he graciously conceded that she'd do until he found some bright and shiny 22 year old has backfired on him spectacularly.

He thought that he could do better and was happy to string her along indefinitely.

She was upset and he didn't care enough to do anything but call it (and her) silly. And now she's realised that she can do better that somebody who thought he was such a catch that she'd hang on forever - or at least until he'd finally decided she'd do for a couple of years because there weren't enough easily impressed 22 year olds to pick from.

Too little, way, way too late.

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2025 23:21

OneGreenPoster · 15/12/2025 19:43

He spoke to her yesterday and told her he'd go out tomorrow and buy a ring and they could start planning
She said no that isn't what she wants now!
So I don't think she knows what she wants
Starting again at 27 is risky she may now meet anyone for a few years

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Shes only 27!

She's not old. She's plenty of time to get looking - why should she settle for someone who isn't on the same page as her and just seems to be coasting?!

If she thinks he'll never get his act together thats more than a reasonable time to look for someone else.

She may even have someone in mind!

Meeting someone in your thirties is completely normal and not remotely unusual.

FenceBooksCycle · 15/12/2025 23:22

Yabu - very very unreasonable indeed - to even consider intervening here. Anyone who needs his mum's support to manage his love life is absolutely not suitable marriage material so you really need to back right off. It's up to him to decide what he wants to do and up to her to decide what she wants to do and absolutely not something you should be involved with in any way. They are both young enough that if they don't commit to each other there's plenty of time to find someone else.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 15/12/2025 23:22

DeftWasp · 15/12/2025 23:17

I agree, I'm a chap so usually totally useless with romance, but even I could suss out her bringing up getting married and asking about a timeframe was a huge hint that she'd rather get on with it.

OP If your DS was that hung up on her he should have gone and got a ring soon thereafter!

But I'd also say he's dodged a bullet, they clearly are not really that well suited, she's quite clinical, in that she's dumped him and doesn't want to know now - odds on she's found someone else.

And don't try to talk some sense into her, she has the right to make up her own mind on what she wants - and long term it will likely be better for both of them.

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Don't do the "I'm a bloke so I'm useless with romance" feint. We all know it's a cop-out and that if their dream woman turns up, they suddenly morph into 007.

Women these days can see through all this male BS.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 15/12/2025 23:23

After three years and with a 30 year old partner, the girlfriend was entitled to wonder whether the time ever would be right in your son's eyes. For a lot of men, hitting 30 is a bit of a wake-up call. He doesn't seem to have understood her very well if he couldn't see which way the wind was blowing.

PickASize · 15/12/2025 23:24

If a man doesn't even talk about marriage after 3 years he's not that commited.
Ops son tried to keep his options open but unfortunately that backfired.. Now he will have to find a new gf to sponge off.
Hopefully he learns his lesson in future and doesn't string the next one along.

SpinningaCompass · 15/12/2025 23:24

This reads much like the oft quoted: 'The divorce came out of nowhere.'

The signs were likely there, including her actually sitting him down a few months back to talk about marriage. He blew her off and called her desire to be married to him 'silly'. And now he's just shocked shocked! that she's showing him the door.

Good for her!

JaceLancs · 15/12/2025 23:26

I don’t understand the way relationships seem to work these days (I’m 61 for context) if you don’t know by 3 years in - when do you know? No wonder couples are having children much later
I still think it’s more sensible to get married before having children
The fertility window isn’t that long for many people
I like this young lady would have rejected a man who only offered to get engaged as she was on the point of ending the relationship due to his lack of commitment
I never had the whole proposal thing - we were in love - getting on well - living together and wanted DC so it was just a joint decision “let’s get married”

sandyhappypeople · 15/12/2025 23:26

OneGreenPoster · 15/12/2025 21:12

My daughter engaged after 5 years of dating. I probably would have told her to have another serious conversation with him before leaving.
He wanted to marry her he wasn't going to just string her along forever

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He shouldn't have been stringing her along at all! After three years they should have been able to have a conversation about timelines for their future.. the fact that he dismissed her outright and called it 'nonsense' sealed his own fate unfortunately.

Your DH is right, it's his own stupid fault so being so dismissive, and not being on the same page as her, good for her for sacking him off and living her life during her best years.

The fact that he wants to go out and buy a ring now is just pure insult.

MyRubyPanda · 15/12/2025 23:26

The problem is your son was acting like a stringer. To not propose after 3 years is a sign, as others have said, when men know they know (my DH took 6 months to propose). But to dismiss her request to know about timelines as 'silly' is a far bigger one.

I'm sorry he's so upset, but this is the price he has to pay for taking her for granted. She's a women and she doesn't get to delay having children the way men do. This was the obvious outcome when he didn't take her seriously.

Edit: sorry its stuck a weird gif in and I can't get rid of it, blame my phone

DeftWasp · 15/12/2025 23:27

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 15/12/2025 23:22

Don't do the "I'm a bloke so I'm useless with romance" feint. We all know it's a cop-out and that if their dream woman turns up, they suddenly morph into 007.

Women these days can see through all this male BS.

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Maybe they can, but I've always been rather hapless at romance, as my DW will attest to, but neither of us are from "these days" alas!

My point is, and was, I'd say a better offer has come along for her, maybe not a relationship as yet, but someone she likes etc. and she's fed up with being strung along, fair enough.

HisNotHes · 15/12/2025 23:32

OneGreenPoster · 15/12/2025 21:12

My daughter engaged after 5 years of dating. I probably would have told her to have another serious conversation with him before leaving.
He wanted to marry her he wasn't going to just string her along forever

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“He wanted to marry her he wasn't going to just string her along forever”

well then he should have got on and proposed or at least given her a rough timeframe.

Good for her. She has a biological clock and wants to make life plans and he wasn’t prepared to reassure her. Too many times we read here about women who have wasted too many of their fertile years on men who won’t commit and she wasn’t to know he wouldn’t turn out to be to be one of them. Three years is long enough to know if someone is right for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2025 23:33

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NewNameforThisPost2025 · 15/12/2025 23:36

On reflection, I don't think they're right for each other. It's all very well rushing out and panic-buying a ring, but that doesn't change the fact that he does not want to be married.

People who are ready for marriage and people who are not, and may never be, should not be marrying one another.

The gf sounds very mature: tuned in to what she wants, tried to have a discussion, and then thought things through for a few more months after the failed talk, in order not to do anything rash. This is someone who is a good communicator, built for partnership and ready for it. OP's son is not anywhere near this level of readiness for marriage.

Her son also showed very poor communication skills in shutting down her wholly reasonable attempt to have a discussion, not to mention a tendency to dismiss his partner's feelings and valid concerns.

It's OK to not want marriage or be ready for marriage, and it's OK to have work to do on yourself, as he does, in terms of communication and sexism. But he is not marriage material yet. He should not be marrying anyone - quite aside from the fact that he doesn't want to. Offering to go out and buy a ring is more proof of his lack of insight and maturity. Making a purchase changes nothing. After paying, he still wouldn't want to be married, isn't ready for it, and doesn't know when he will be.

He should be looking inward to ask himself why he didn't want to commit; why he refused to discuss it with her; why he chose not to have open and honest communication with her. That would be much better than trying to force a marriage that isn't right.

It's a pity that the girlfriend didn't do this after two years. She's wasted a year. Post-25, I think people should know if it's a yes or no after two years.

Greengagesnfennel · 15/12/2025 23:36

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/12/2025 22:06

Sister. Listen to your dh, fgs.
He said your son fucked up.
But, honestly, when a man knows what he wants he doesn't waffle. In his heart of hearts he was uncertain, keeping his options open, whatever you want to call it.
The whole, after 5 years, 10 years, he proposed, thing often means someone got a bit scared and settled.
When you know, you know. Then you put your cards on the table. She did and was all in. Your ds folded his hand.

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This.
your son said he was not that into her and she heard.
no going back from that.
even if they do reconcile it is now a bit doomed as it will always be tainted with what she now knows.
Not surprised she doesn’t want the ring now.
It’s sad for ds, sad for her, but probably best for all in the long run.

When push came to shove, ds realised he’s not sure she’s the one. (If that’s not true then your Dh is right - he’s an idiot! - and you need to educate him out of that for future relationships)

Sunflower459 · 15/12/2025 23:39

DeftWasp · 15/12/2025 23:27

Maybe they can, but I've always been rather hapless at romance, as my DW will attest to, but neither of us are from "these days" alas!

My point is, and was, I'd say a better offer has come along for her, maybe not a relationship as yet, but someone she likes etc. and she's fed up with being strung along, fair enough.

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I mean, you did say he’d ’dodged a bullet’, which is quite a bizarre take when she’s clearly an independent woman who has the means to leave and the good sense to see when she’s on a hiding to nothing. I’m not sure what the typical idiomatic ‘bullet’ looks like round your way, but she certainly wouldn’t be my definition.

Cloudtime · 15/12/2025 23:41

It wasn’t ’out of the blue ‘. She expressed her feelings about marriage and wanted to plan their future timeline and he declined. He wasn’t on the same page .
Risky ? Do you mean to be left ‘on the shelf’ at the grand old age of 27? 🤣 She could waste many years with your son who may then decide she isn’t the one for him or still doesn’t want to marry when she clearly does .
It could be that she doesn’t want to marry him any more because she wants to be with someone who isn’t effectively forced to propose or lose her .
People do not end their relationships just because their friend has ended theirs.
ending it just before Christmas isn’t cruel timing , it would be cruel to pretend to be in a happy relationship knowing you’re about to end it as soon as the holiday period is over .
as for taking sense into her ….. who are you to say what is good sense for her ?

MNLurker1345 · 15/12/2025 23:43

MyRubyPanda · 15/12/2025 23:26

The problem is your son was acting like a stringer. To not propose after 3 years is a sign, as others have said, when men know they know (my DH took 6 months to propose). But to dismiss her request to know about timelines as 'silly' is a far bigger one.

I'm sorry he's so upset, but this is the price he has to pay for taking her for granted. She's a women and she doesn't get to delay having children the way men do. This was the obvious outcome when he didn't take her seriously.

Edit: sorry its stuck a weird gif in and I can't get rid of it, blame my phone

Edited

Exactly, my DH proposed after 6 months. OP for both your DS and his ex, maybe they weren’t the ‘ones’ and of course it is going to be painful. Maybe they will get back together. Time will tell. But don’t have a word with her. If that is to be let her come to you.

But at 30, is your DS, thinking it is time to get married and start a family. So many PPs saying 27 is so young. Young yes, SO young no! I do understand that in the 21st century the idea of having a child at 27 is weird but it’s not to young to settle down, get married and start a family.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 15/12/2025 23:44

DeftWasp · 15/12/2025 23:27

Maybe they can, but I've always been rather hapless at romance, as my DW will attest to, but neither of us are from "these days" alas!

My point is, and was, I'd say a better offer has come along for her, maybe not a relationship as yet, but someone she likes etc. and she's fed up with being strung along, fair enough.

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I don't believe you're hapless at romance. I think you're just lazy. What is it about romance that you find so hard? Booking a nice restaurant? Buying flowers? Writing a nice card? Do you have trouble with executive function and fine motor skills? If so, I apologise.

You're not hapless at romance, you're just another lazy crap man who doesn't want to romance his woman but probably still expects her to put out just the same.

Excuse my perimenopausal rage at the "I'm so crap, me" pile of poo that men pull in order to get out of being a good partner.

Maybe she should say "I'm just hapless at sex, me. I just never know what to do. It's an optional extra that I won't be bothered about, because after all, I'm just hapless at it." 😡

ETA: I'm going to try that in future. "I'm a woman so I'm totally useless at sex." That's what you said in your first post, except you said romance instead of sex.