Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

They did not “agree on timelines”. You have failed to read OP properly

Sorry but your son sounds shit, he doesn’t seem like a catch as you’re making out. The cheek of you saying she’s left it too late to meet someone else but the thing you’re not realising is that your son was punching. He’s the one going to struggle.

Good for her, too many women end up getting strung along re the promise of marriage or kids that’s always just around the corner and never materialise, she’s also dodged a massive bullet in the form of a MIL who’s talking about “talking sense into her” and that she’s so easily influenced by her single friends.

did he offer to get the ring after she ended things? So basically he changed his mind about a timeline after things had ended? I can see why that’s not good enough for her.

She’s only 27, she’s got lots of time 🕰️

She wanted him to want to propose, not to be forced into it by threatening to leave. Having said that, I'm wondering whether the timing of dumping him just before the Christmas party meant she was free to get with a 'better' prospect from work.

They might find their way back to each other, and they might not. Mum wading in to try and force her to take him back because she's nearly dried up at 27 and doesnt want to waste time (which was precisely her point) won't go down well.

I don’t understand why people think single childless people aren’t serious if they don’t commit to marriage. I’d never have pressured someone like that. Different if children are involved. Anyway, she flipped so quickly that she was probably on the way out anyway.

your daughter made that choice though? This woman has made a different choice after having a conversation with your son in which he told her he wanted to marry her but would not share with her when. And if he did want to marry her, what was he waiting for?

also, ew. No woman wants to be told hey I’ll run out and get a ring now you’ve dumped me! A) no one want to force someone to marry them - not exactly romantic and b) makes him so desperate here’ll have given her the ick.

he has to accept that he held a proposal over her head for some kinda power kick and now she’s taken her power back. Good for her.

also, this post screams chandler bing pig sex conversation over dinner. He didn’t propose to Monica becuse he wanted it to be a surprise - he talked like he didn’t want marriage to ‘throw her off the scent’ and make the surprise bigger. She almost ran off with her more sophisticated ex. Now I love chandler but really, she should’ve gone with the ex. Or neither! But definitely not the guy who played games over an engagement. Unsexy and childish. As is your son who is currently whining to his mummy about how his meeean ex gf broke up with him…before Christmas! And he needs to slowly drag his feet to move out of her place. Gross. What was she meant to do? Keep sleeping with him and acting normal until the 28th? Or would you have been accusing her of being an ungrateful cow for giving him a bad start to the new year.

your poor husband having to compete with this little Prince.

She tried to have a serious discussion about where their relationship was heading and he didn't approach it seriously, he dismissed her by saying he wasn't going to be held to some silly timeline.

He was living in her apartment with her.

If he wasn't ready for commitment, he shouldn't have moved in. He didn't even have the respect to answer her seriously, that he wasn't ready.

He fucked up big time and now she's done. He took her presence in his life for granted. She's making a new start in the new year without the baggage of an immature boy who doesn't respect or cherish her in her own space.

Time for your boy to grow up.

He doesn’t love her enough to want a future with her - does he ? From what you’ve told us, I don’t have any sympathy with him
its your son you should be talking sense to, not his ex.

He loves her, he absolutely adores her

But not enough to commit eh?

Men like this want to have their cake and to eat it - usually waiting to see if something better comes along. They want all the benefits of a wife without making any serious commitment that may not benefit them if they change their mind down the line - it’s cowardly and arrogant.

I had to give my dh an ultimatum to get him to marry me - this was after we’d had a child too. I booked the wedding after years of him evading the subject and told him he could go along with it or pack his bags and fuck off.

Needless to say we’re now married 😂 but it left a very sour taste in my mouth and if I had my time again I’d do things very differently. Your ds’s ex sounds like she has her head screwed on! Team gf all the way here!

Thing is, an engagement and ring are not that much of a commitment, apart from the cost of the ring. It's not like it necessarily leads to marriage - you can break it off quite easily. But it does show a level of commitment, and to have a partner of 3 years who you live with not want to do it....well it would certainly make me wonder what the future holds.

I strongly suspect so given how quickly he is willing to propose when faced with potential homelessness. What's that MN phrase? No man falls in love so fast as a man in need of a roof over his head.

And then once the roof is provided and feet are under the table, pipe down little woman, none of your silly timelines.

If I were the ex, I'd have told him to have his bags packed and be gone before I got back from the Christmas party. No one wants to come home from a good night out to find their ex lurking mournfully around.

Good for her. I wouldn’t have hung about for three years waiting for a proposal.

He wasn’t the one for her, but she gave it a good go. Whatever their ages, be there for your son, but leave her alone.

He may have thought he loved her, but he doesn’t seem very self aware nor considerate. I think he needs to listen to your DH rather than have you wrap him up in cotton wool.

It's been three years. She tried to discuss marriage with him and he refused. She then thought about it for another few months. Another year draws to a close and she's pushing thirty and in a longterm relationship with someone who will not even talk about a timeline for marriage. She did not flip quickly. And refusing to commit, and refusing to even discuss commitment, after three years together, when the other partner does not have unlimited fertility, is someone who isn't serious.

I’m sure at 27 the odds her finding someone aren’t that low 🙄. Good on her for knowing her worth. 3 years is a fairly long relationship at their age, when was he expecting to be ready and was she meant to wait forever

‘Starting again at 27 is risky she may now meet anyone for a few years’
OP - the girl is 27!!! That is so young! And even if she is as over the hill as you make out that gives even more reason for her to not waste another second on your son who won’t commit to the future which she wants to build for herself and her future family.

She did not pressure him. Quite the opposite. She tried to raise an important topic. He refused to discuss.

She mulled over this and decided this is not the right relationship for her.

And ended things

She asked him for a timeline, she shut her down by refusing it as “silly”. She decided she didn’t want a life being mocked and made to feel small. Good for her.

My partner and I aren’t married either, no intention of getting married, I’m not into it. But I think the problem here is that the GF made it clear that she did want to get married, but was shut down when she tried to discuss it. This wasn’t a sudden thing; she waited and nothing changed so now she’s ended it. He may very well never want to marry, and that’s fine, but he should have made that clear to her when she raised the issue, instead of gaslighting her into thinking her need for reassurance or some indication of his intentions was ‘silly’.

There may be hope for him, but I think she will have to see how devastated he is and that her leaving him has made him realise how much he loves her.

I agree, I'm a chap so usually totally useless with romance, but even I could suss out her bringing up getting married and asking about a timeframe was a huge hint that she'd rather get on with it.

OP If your DS was that hung up on her he should have gone and got a ring soon thereafter!

But I'd also say he's dodged a bullet, they clearly are not really that well suited, she's quite clinical, in that she's dumped him and doesn't want to know now - odds on she's found someone else.

And don't try to talk some sense into her, she has the right to make up her own mind on what she wants - and long term it will likely be better for both of them.

I know a young couple, similar age, young professionals!!! She wants to get married and start a family. His mother thinks he is a catch, by many standards he is, but his fiancée has to wait for him to decide when they get married, where they live, when they have children. I feel sorry for her. Why does she have to wait? It seems your DSs ex has decided not to! Good for her!

Better to tell your son what a lucky escape he's had!