Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

She doesn't seem that in to him.

He delayed so there may have been a subconscious reasons for that.

He should probably accept that she wasn't right for him.

Leave well alone and they can go and find people more suited for each of them.

You hear of so many weak minded women on MN so it’s rather brilliant to hear about a woman who actually stands on business haha

Had she stayed for another few years and then he broke up with her she would’ve been ridiculed /blamed for wasting so much of her fertile years.

She may change her mind but IMO she has done the right thing in leaving and rejecting his reluctant proposal.

I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this

She really is well shot of your family.

But she had serious conversation with him and he said: not sure yet, no maybe in the future and on top of that he refused to talk about the matter. So she decided to leave. she shouldn’t wait 5 years just because your daughter did.
In my books she overstayed with him significantly already. 3 years, living together and he is still not sure if the time is right. And he refused to discuss what “the right time” means. Of course he does because he has nothing to say. This right time excuse is just silly nonsense which some women stupidly swallow. Good for her that she has enough brains and self respect to see through it.
You’ve said that he loves her, well, not enough to marry or even have a serious conversation about marriage. She is not after puppy’s love and adoration, she wants a commitment to build life together.

You got it all wrong OP and it’s better for you not to interfere, follow your DH’s approach.
And in your place I would be more upset that my son lived with his partner without taking it seriously than that she spoiled his Christmas by trying to work out where their relationship is going.

Good for her! It's nice to be wanted. My husband proposed on our 2nd date, 52 years ago. He was certain.
Why did she wait this long to dump him?!

He’s a big boy now, he needs to sort this himself.

So he’s panic proposed.big deal. He’d string her along for a few more years putting off actual marriage and children. He’s shown his true colours and she’s binned him. Giving herself party season to get out and socialise on her own. One thing your right about - she’s a great girl and your son is a fool for thinking he can treat her that way.

I disagree entirely. Things like marriage and kids are crucial, big things that people don't compromise on. They should he bought up early. Not necessarily let's do it now 3 months in, but it should be a conversation when you become serious and certainly before moving in together.

The phrase I stand by is that if you're a strong couple with good communication the fact you're approaching engagement shouldn't be a surprise, though the details of the engagement can be a surprise if thats what both want. If you're completely shocked someone wants to marry you, there's a lack of communication.

Also, she likely did bring it up several times and the son dismissed it as 'silly'. An engagement and subsequent marriage is a hopefully lifelong commitment and should he happy and exciting. Nagging and ultimatums don't work. I wouldn't want a shut up ring or a shut up marriage. Knowing your partner was your spouse because they were forced to be by an ultimatum rather than because they wanted to be and were excited to be your spouse. Relationship killer.

Ding ding ding jackpot!

Of course she doesn't want it now. She talked to him about it. He brushed off her feelings.

This is a very common pattern with men and women. Men think things are fine because the woman stops trying to discuss something. Actually, the woman is mentally accepting its over. This is also why she was able to go to the party. She'd checked out already when she worked out he wasn't ready for commitment.

He won't make this mistake with his next girlfriend.

This. Just because they don’t keep bringing it up does not mean everything is fine. Quite the opposite.

I’d never do that to my DH, the one that lives and adores me, and doesn’t demean me with “not talking about silly timelines”, no one would be in my bed after dismissing me like that. Nah, I’ve got more to me than accepting that nonsense!

She spoken about it once to OPs knowledge, she may have said more, she may have seen his reaction and thought “no he’s had his chance” and is sticking to it!

He must wants to buy a ring and plan…. and is crying because she’s said no! She’s entitled to, hes living in her place, no commitment and not even prepared to discuss it! Why does his wants and needs trump hers?
He now wants to marry? Why?

She’s doing the right thing! You think she should’ve gone out bought him Xmas presents, got a card to my “darling boyfriend”, why would she put herself through that nonsense?

He’ll get over it and grow up hopefully, best he uses his time to find new accommodation, because she won’t put up with his snivelling and badgering!

@bumptybum I guess you must be because If you are 30 as the poster you replied to suggested and you wait 7-10 years to get married then your chances of having a family have been massively reduced unless you have them prior to getting married.

I'm indifferent to having children, so I wouldn't be bothered either way whether or not I have them.

when means you think marriage is a bigger commitment than parenthood.

I never said that... anywhere...

I mean, I really hope he hasn’t been stringing her along and giving it full cocklodger at the same time . . .

It would be very patronizing and meddling to "remind" her that a good man is hard to find. A talk will hurt his cause.

I actually forgot he was living with her, that makes it worse because they are already in that place of knowing each other well, so it’s not as if they see each other twice a week then you could maybe say he’s scared of taking that next leap and maybe needs some reassurance but they are already living like a married couple?!? What more is he waiting for.

Serves him right.

Well... its looking that way 😒

I did this. I was the girlfriend. After 4 years, he still didn’t want to get engaged. So I dumped him. I wasn’t going to wait around for ever. Of course he wanted me back after that, but by then I thought ‘too late, I don’t feel wanted’. When I met my now husband, within a year we were talking of marriage. He didn’t play games. If a man is serious about something, he doesn’t play games.

Next time, your son make his intentions clearer, earlier. He’ll get over it. Sounds like it is his loss, but he will have learnt a valuable lesson. Smart women can sniff out a player and make a bold decision.

I don’t need to do any advanced searches (& certainly can’t be bothered) your post here is quite enough evidence.
or is the problem that I said it’s misogynist to say women should have selected their partner well before 30 like they have nothing better to do or it’s that simple, and you think I should have called it more incel? Thats fair, it’s quite an incel take too. Happy to use incel in the future if you feel that’s a better description for your take, although sometimes I really think it’s more straight misogyny.

You should listen to your husband. He is correct.

He is 8, she is 6.

Omg - do not contact this lady! Leave her alone.

Your son caused his heartache by shutting down any discussion. She prob left it a few weeks to see if he would change his mind or bring it up himself. He didn’t and she has made her mind up. He’s ‘lucky’ he’s on out on his ear already. Presume she’s put him in the spare room…?
If you as his mum contact her for any reason he’ll be on your doorstep the same evening if she’s wise.

That was your daughters timeline. We have no idea if your son's timeline was 2 more years or more. He refused to talk about it. If he had shared that he wanted to save up two more years for a downpayment and then propose. They might still be together. He said "he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.". She doesnt have a clue if it is 2 years, 20 years or never so she had to work with the info she had.

I doubt this was rhe first and only conversation they've had over the years about marriage. Also we don't know how the conversation really went. If he properly shut it down, there is no way to talk about it again without issuing an ultimatum. And forced engagement is not gonna go down well.

Good for her! And no she shouldn’t take him back, I’m sure she will find someone who is mad about her.

Oh, and 27 isn’t too old to move on. Look at Jessica Michibata: dated Jensen Button for six years, yet married, divorced, remarried, and with baby in under three years!