Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

I have a friend in her mid 30s now who just made the same decision. 8 years she waited being promised he wanted to get married but didn’t want to be tied down to a silly timeline. He then did exactly as your son has done and told her he would propose to keep her. Too little too late. Women don’t want to feel their partner is marrying them because we have a threat over them. She wanted him to want her. Not reluctantly get married because he doesn’t want to be alone. If he genuinely wanted her he would have proposed when she did the adult thing and had the conversation with him. She likely gave him a timeline herself in that conversation or said she was not prepared to wait forever and he has ignored that.

he did bring it on himself. Possibly in part because he has a mother who has taught him the sun shines out his area and she’s lucky to have such a great guy? There are two people in every relationship if your son is so awesome then so is she and she deserves not to have her best years wasted and a partner prepared to discuss a timeline with her not for her off. Good for her I say

Your husband is right your son has seriously fucked up and has lost her forever. You are doing him no favours by pretending that he hasn't or that this is fixable.
She sat him down and had a conversation with him about their future together and instead of listening to her he just shined her on whilst ridiculing her and telling her that he'll do it when he feels like on his timescale but she not allowed to know it.
Then months later when hes not brought it up again or proposed she's decided that his nonexistent timeline isn't going to work for her so she dumped him.
Why you or your son are surprised by this fact or think she's wrong is a mystery to me and quite frankly shes shown him more consideration than he deserves or he showed her

You should ask yourself why your son is such a sniveling little simp!

Alright, more critically, you son seems to have passive/avoidant relationship tendencies with a sprinkling of codependency thrown into the mix. His ex definitely wears the trousers.

And yet, he is not in step with her relationship outcomes.

I think your son needs to spend some time alone building his self esteem because I fear he is trying to recreate his relationship with his mother.

I’d stay out of it… non of your business, just support your DS the best you can….

Together three years, already living together, he wants to get married at some point but not yet. If it doesn't feel right by then, when would it? I can understand why she doesn't want to hang around.

But equally, if I were your son I'd want a proper conversation about it. It's quite immature of her to just announce it and waltz off. And I might be put off by someone who is so extreme without warning if they don't get what they want. Did she actually love him or just want to get married?

We obviously have very different morals.

I would never leave my DP for another man and I’d hope no one ever left me for an OW.

And yes they did discuss it and I agree on silly timelines.
They would have only been together just over 2 years and most people would rather surprise someone with an engagement, not have it dictated to them.

She mentioned it once.
If she really wanted to get married then she would have mentioned it again and then explained what are she wanted to be married by.

I would understand if this was a long term relationship but I’d say most young people wait at least 3 years before discussing things like marriage.

I would understand her leaving if there was an ultimatum but no one goes from desperately wanting to get married, to not mentioning it, to leaving all within a few months.

No woman wants to feel like she’s forced a man to propose. She asked him about timelines and he fobbed her off saying he wasn’t going to entertain timelines and he’d do it when he was ready. She wasn’t prepared to wait and gave him a few months to reconsider. He didn’t - he carried on not caring that there was something important to her missing. She then decided that it was no longer for her and he offers to go and buy a ring. That isn’t genuine and why she said no. I don’t blame her for leaving him. I would have done the same. Hopefully he won’t make the same mistake again when he meets his next partner.

It really isn't. Or at least not amongst my circle of friends or even colleagues or friends of friends.

But like I said I do think age is important. If late teens/early twenties, I agree it's common to date for years first. And I guess if both are in their 40s or above there would be no time pressure for kids (or if one already had kids, more reason for caution due to blending families) so again reasonable to take your time.

But late twenties/thirties? Once you're sure you love the other person and know you want to spend your lives together, then there is no reason to wait. There will always be stressors in life, but it's so much easier to face them as part of a solid team.

But I guess I'm coming from a mindset where marriage comes first before kids or buying property together and is a sign of being fully committed. Different people do things in different order.

If everyone is on the same page that's fine. In this thread, however, the son and his ex clearly have different wants and priorities which is a sign they're not compatible.

I think when she last brought it up it was probably a last chance saloon for her as she was starting to have doubts about the relationships and when 3 months later nothing had happened she got the ick.

I've waited till after Christmas/ birthdays to end a relationship before. It's insincere and it's cowardly. She didn't owe it to you or DS to be unauthentic so you could enjoy Christmas. That's controlling. I also once had an ex boyfriends mum beg me to give him a second chance. One, it should have been him. The fact it was his mum highlighted the fact he wasn't making any effort. And secondly, if he felt she didn't deserve a honest and frank conversation regarding his intentions regarding marriage, she has been incredibly fair. She probably felt a huge relief and going to a party will have been a good way for her to decompress, breaking up with someone is stressful, just like proposing, it's hard to pick the right moment.

If she had broken up with him in the new year no doubt there would be accusations that she used him for Christmas presents etc or ruined the start of his year.

It actually takes women quite a lot to break LTR off as we see on here, so I actually suspect there’s more especially as she stood her ground when he gave his last minute proposal.

He probably thought she was auditioning to be his wife and he could just cruise in the relationship and grace her with proposal when he felt like it.

What he hasn’t factored in is that she will also have been watching him and weighing up if he’s husband material - and it seems she has realised he isn’t the one.

So after three years It's her apartment they live in and when she made it clear she is looking for commitment and marriage He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.

AKA, this relationship is all on my terms, but I’ll continue to live in your place.

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?. Oh please do, that will ensure the girl puts extra bolts on the door.

remind her that there isn't many good men out there. Yes because every girl’s dream is someone who will happily live in her home and string her along for three years and then declare he was above silly timelines and any future commitment would be when it suited him.

Your DH is the sensible one. She can do better, good on her.

Really OP, is this a joke or some bizarre reverse?

It wasn't out of nowhere. She wanted to have chat about their furure (together 3 years, livign together, approaching 30 etc.). He refused to talk about it. Called it silly and told her that he will do it when he wants to and she will have to just wait and see. She thought about it for a few months and realised that she doesn't want to wait passively. Timing of Christmas is just a coincidence.

I was more than ready to marry my ex after three years and he knew it without a doubt. I waited for five years and although he did propose in the end we never actually got married - if you feel like you've had to force someone you love to propose it's not the same. Most people want to marry someone who can't wait to propose! And if they have an engagement of a few years and want kids, his refusal to talk about "silly timelines" is foolish.

Team girlfriend here.

She's 27 and doesn't have time to waste if she wants to have two children without difficulty and get married first, maybe be married for a year or two first. And your son wouldn't even discuss it with her, she just got a "Do not talk to me about this; I am the Great Man and I will decide when the time is right. Fuck your biological reality and your worries that you're wasting your time."

I don't blame her one bit. He would do it when the time was right?? That could be at age 40 for all she knows! And someone who was stringing her along would have put it the same way.

Good for her in protecting her destiny. Your son's refusal to take seriously her very-reasonable fears for her future at 27 after three years of dating made her feel unseen and unwanted. Stupid man.

What's Christmas got to do with anything? If he's not the right person for her she needs to move on sooner rather than later.

Sorry but it sounds like she's escaped you as a MIL.

He's only suggesting a ring now that the relationship has ended; understandably she doesn't want a proposal under those conditions. It doesn't feel genuine.

27 is risky to find someone else? Please this is a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. Even in a few years she would just about be 30 and you're trying to fearmonger her into sticking with your son for fear of being lonely? Lol, clearly she'd rather be alone than in a relationship that doesn't serve her.

OP, he won’t get anywhere unless he looks at it from her pov.

Which is she at 27 has an apartment, and is looking at a 30 yo man who was happy to coast along without responsibility for a shared mortgage, the whole timeline thing would have sounded like being strung along, in response her having laid her cards on the table in asking if he wanted to marry.

She probably felt rejected and humiliated.

And then the offer to rush out for a ring… nobody wants to feel they are dragging a man up the aisle.

In his shoes I would write her a letter acknowledging how cavalier he was in response to her conversation about marriage, and. Apologising most sincerely,

And on no account encourage your stuff about her taking a ‘risk’ or presumably you think she will be on the shelf. That would be guaranteed to bolster her resolve against him as a partner and you as a MIL.

I am sorry your son is so distressed but stop blaming the young woman.

he was completely unable to even engage on the discussion of a future- that’s not absolutely adores her when he’s 30 and they’ve been together for 3 years, that’s just ‘all good for now’. Your dh seem sensible. Your son wanted to have all the cards in the relationship how he wanted it without actual commitment, he’s fucked around and found out. It will probably make him a better boyfriend next time, one who realises his partner is a person in her own right who can make her own choices. He thought she’d just wait.

Exactly but also happy to live in her apartment but not happy about 'timelines' and then you see how his mum talks and then you see the issue.

Are you my ex MIL?

She is right to do this. So many women waste years with men who are not on the same page regarding marriage.

It’s good to see a woman remember she has agency and walk from a relationship not following a path she would prefer.

And absolutely do not call her. Nobody wants an interfering MIL and a mama’s boy. If anybody is going to talk to her it should be your son.

OP, if she’s not budging then there’s more to it than just an engagement and marriage.

id guess he’s disappointed her on many grounds and this was the last straw.

Does he pay her rent and utilities for living there? Does he pull his weight in the house, and have a stable job?

I’d put money on there being other issues.

Someone else beat me to it, but I shall say it anyway:

Good for her !

Your DH is right. Your son has messed up and it’s u likely he can repair it🤷‍♂️