Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

Its his own fault OP.

They've been together 3 years, live together, 30. If he doesn't want to marry her now what exactly is he waiting for? What will make him magically ready?

She was clear with him. She wants marriage, probably children. Your son has decided not to commit to her, with no real reason why not, nor would he entertain discussion of a time frame. She probably after their discussion set herself a deadline of end of the year of no sign of commitment I'm not spending another year waiting for a ring. So she's cut her losses while shes still got time to find someone who actively wants to marry her and is excited to do so and have a family if she wants. Your son offered her a shut up ring only after he realised she was serious about leaving him.

You say she's made a mistake as he's a lovely boy, but your son has made a mistake stringing along a lovely girl. Had he been mature and properly communicated with her then, been excited to marry her off his own back and proposed they would be happily planning a wedding right now.

She asked him a question and he dismissed her. That is not out of the blue. Plus, we are getting knowledge from OP who only knows what her son told her. For all we know, his ex girlfriend probably has brought it up more than once.

Give over with the Christmas nonsense. It wouldn’t have mattered when and if she had waited until after Christmas, some would probably say she strung him along or oh no.. just before Valentine’s Day.

You either know or you don’t or at least have the conversation and actually talk about it, not just brush your spouse off and call it nonsense and give the vague “when the time is right” as if they’re a child asking for a pet.

You don’t spend 3 years with someone and claim you want to marry them and then dump them just before Xmas out of the blue.

I suspect - given that the OP said they’d talked about it months ago and he’d done the whole “when I’m good and ready” thing - that she’d had Christmas in her own mind as the deadline/cut off point. As a pp said, she’d spoken to him about it and given him several weeks/months to mull it over. And he didn’t take action, so she did - by ending it.

But OP why on earth should the timescale be exclusively your son's to decide?! How many young women in 2025 are going to just wait around politely for multiple years for their boyfriend to finally decide he is willing to propose and then pretend to be surprised and delighted?! The timescale for something as important as this should not just be in the man's gift - it should be a matter for a joint discussion and a joint decision. It sounds like the girlfriend tried this and your son didn't respond in the correct manner, and basically said 'yeah yeah when I'm good and ready.' We all know how that turns out 90 per cent of the time- so she did exactly the right thing. More fool him

I know you’re thinking of your son and it’s hard seeing him upset but she hasn’t done anything wrong.

I remember at 25 asking my now husband what the plans for the future were and wanting a timeline. He told me a timeline, not to keep me happy but ti reassure me that he had really thought about it. Your son didn’t want to be rushed which is fair enough but she doesn’t want to invest more time into someone who doesn’t seem to be sure.

I know you want to chat to her but really you need to let them fitter it out themselves.

So, I'll ask the question again: Why wasn't he ready when she asked him for a timeline a few months ago? Why hasn't he been ready (or, indeed, even giving her wishes any consideration) between then and now? And why is he suddenly ready for a "lifelong commitment" now just because she's ended their relationship?
You should listen to your DH - it is all your DS's fault. Sadly he clearly hasn't inherited his dad's common sense. Or maybe your DH kept you hanging around for years and that's why you think it's OK for your DS to do the same?

Not that it's a competition but we were engaged within 4 months and married in two years. We just celebrated our 27th anniversary.
It was a bit of a gulp moment when my almost 22 year old mentioned marriage, then I reminded myself that we were 22 and 23 when we married.

You do if that persons makes it clear they have no intention of committing to you anytime soon and calls you ‘silly’ for wanting to have a grown up conversation about the future.
She must likely lost all respect for him after that conversation.

I think stay out of it.
It sounds to me like this isn’t just about his lack of proposing, she might just want to be single with her friend, who knows.
Heartbreak sucks, and it’s horrible watching your children (no matter how old) go through it. He’ll be okay though and if it’s meant to be it will work itself out.

It is a sentimental time of year for trying to win a lost lover back. Suggest he starts with a partridge in a pear tree and goes from there.

If your DS wants her back, he needs to get off his sorry arse and show her how much. His inaction is what got him in this position. She clearly communicated what she wanted from him and he said it was ‘silly’. Well that’s not so silly now. But his mum phoning her is honestly going to do nothing for his case. She wanted to be wanted by him, not by you or anyone else. He’s got himself into this position so he has to figure a way to get himself out.

"talk some sense into her" - absolutely not. It's her choice. They've been together 3 years... I know relationships move more slowly these days, but when I was young people were typically engaged after a couple of years in a relationship, so I feel 3 years is quite long enough for him to make up his mind. If he hasn't, well too bad, why should she hang around waiting?

Christmas is irrelevant.

She ended it because they have different needs and expectations. It’s a valid reason.

Stay out of it.

Are you new to this forum, OP?

If not, it’s astonishing that you seem to have missed the hundreds of threads starting by women who are impatiently and desperately hoping for a proposal from their DPs.

They are invariably told just to book the registry office themselves, or, much more often, to dump and look for another partner.

Were you really expecting sympathy for your son, especially with his “shit, I’m losing my place to live” offer of looking for a ring?

Yeah, he thought she'd wait forever. Good for her.

@OneGreenPoster so you are honestly saying you think she should have waited patiently another 2 years to get a proposal, by which time she'll be 29? Then getting a wedding sorted takes roughly a further 2 years as venues are so booked up (unless they are willing to take the first registry slot going),so she will be 31/32 when married. Do they want children? Because assuming they are immediately successful, she'll be in her mid 30s and he will be late 30s before they have their first child!

At 27 time is not on her side, and 3 years is more than enough time to decide if you want to marry someone. Your son has basically told her he doesn't consider their relationship to be solid enough for marriage despite 3 years of dating - she isn't cold, she has been rejected and has quietly gone about sorting her life out. He fucked up, massively.

I get that it's hard to see your son upset. But... I agree with your DH. This is his own fault, he thought he could have his cake and eat it, and as others have said, he can't expect her to wait around an indefinite amount of time until he finally feels "ready." She's got her fertility to think about if she wants to be a mother - and her self esteem too, to be frank. If you want to support him now, I'd encourage him to think about a 5-year or 10-year plan: what does he see himself doing? Single, travelling, partying? Or a married father who maybe owns property etc? There isn't a "right answer," he just needs to think about it, because it seems to me that he is the one who doesn't know what he wants, not his ex girlfriend.

I hope this girl goes on to meet someone who wants what she wants. Good on her for not hanging around with someone like the son in this scenario.

Okay, so they discussed their future. She is ready for marriage, he isn't. She wanted to know whn he could potentially be ready. He refused to discuss that. She thought about and realised they wanted different things. She is 27yo and doesn't want to wait "one day" so decided to move on. He is now offering to buy her a shut up ring and plan a wedding that he doesn't want and is not ready for. Doesn't make sense for her to agree to this and it was wrong of your son to suggest this.

With the next girl he should just have the conversation on when he might be ready instead of calling timelines silly and just string her along until he wants to get married (if ever). It is the woman's life too.

Dhe didn't break up with him cause he didnt want to get married right now. It was because he refused to have a conversation and essentially called it silly that she wants to plan her life.

As for breaking up before Christmas. Would it really be better to sit there at the dinner table with your bf's extended family and fake a smile when you know you'll break up after new years?

Five gold rings could be difficult to get past!

If I had one word of advice for his girlfriend, it’d be: run.

Your son had his chance, he's blown it, more fool him.
Team girlfriend. Good for her not hanging around forever waiting for him.

Leave that girl the fuck alone. Talk what sense in to her exactly? You want to drag her into foolishness.

It's natural you are upset for your son but sounds like his ex knows what she wants and has been confident enough to end a relationship that wasn't heading in the direction/or at the pace that she wanted. Focus on consoling your son and leave her be.

She probably does want marriage still but doesn't want a pity ring. She wanted it to be special and meaningful and now it won't be

I'm sorry he's upset but also, good for her. She tried to tell him what was important to her and he made it clear that it wasn't important to him. She prioritised her own future. May all women be so strong.