Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

Why the hell would you call her and talks sense into her?? That what she mush take your son back and allow him to stay in her home????

And I doubt she has to go spoken about her need to settle down only once, I wouldn't be surprised if there have been hints and conversations but either way she has every right to break up if she wants and whilst I get it's not nice to see your son upset, please do not reach out to her to talk "sense" into her at all.

@99bottlesofkombucha this is still raw for you and your son. Give it time. Dont overly worry. Certainly dont try and convince her one way or another. Let things settle, scab over and see what life brings. Your son will be fine (especially if he is as good a catch as you feel and i have no reason to doubt). Sometimes things are not meant to be and in that moment all is fuzzy and shocking. But the mist will clear. It will be fine. They are both very young

I know everyone’s had a laugh on this thread but my dd is 28 and her boyfriend 30, dating 4 years. Dh is really close to the boyfriend and if it ended there’s no way he wouldn’t talk to them both about it, not to push it one way or the other, but to make sure they are both ok!

He should’ve got on with it then shouldn’t he. She’s made it clear what she wanted. What is he waiting for/ has he waited for???
I thought you were going to say they were 19!
if he doesn’t marry her, she’ll likely be 31/32 or older before she knows the next one enough to Marry them. She can only waste another three years one more time. So if he’s not been serious, and she’s been very clear, it’s all on him.
If I were you, I’d be offering him a family ring (if you’re that sort of family) that’s been passed down for him to do as he wishes or not…..

Talk some sense in to her
Oh please have a word with yourself

No of course you shouldn’t get involved. Help your son through all this but if he is 30 and she is 27 they aren’t kids. She may feel if he doesn’t see a future with her then she should move on especially if she wants children. The fact he changed his mind after her giving him an ultimatum and just expected her to wait until he was ready isn’t a great basis for a marriage. If he really loved her he would have committed earlier especially as he knew that is what she wanted. She has obviously been disengaging since that conversation.

Biology unfortunately means women have a shorter time line to make their mind up as to what they want so I can see her point of view.

@OneGreenPoster
he didn’t really love her. No matter how many crocodile tears he sheds. Someone who really loves someone listens, and acts appropriately. He didn’t. He shut her down.
A proposal now is worthless. She’s a strong woman who knows her worth. Your husband is correct, your son messed up! Nobody is indispensable. It’s a hard lesson, and one he’s having to learn the hard way.
Have you given any thought to how she must be feeling?……. Having her needs/ dreams shut down and ignored. Then having to make the decision to walk away, knowing it would hurt them both.
Because ultimately she understood, that he didn’t love her enough…..

I hope to God she doesn't change her mind, she'd be making a massive mistake.

When I was 30, I'd been with my then boyfriend 5 years...like your son's now ex, I'd had had the conversation with my boyfriend numerous times about getting married, and like your son, he'd always fobbed me off. I was getting more and more upset about it.

Unfortunately, the next year was a leap year and I stupidly decided to propose to him...he half heartedly accepted to, and I quote, 'shut me up about it'. He wouldn't tell his parents for a year that we were engaged. We finally got married when I was 32, he was 31.

He was a shit husband and after wasting another decade I finally left. Like your son's now ex, I should have ended it, instead of proposing. I always felt like I'd forced my ex husband into marrying him. I would bet your son's ex would feel the same, if he proposed now.

If his mother had got involved .... I would have been incandescent with rage. No woman with half a brain wants to marry a mummy's boy.

DH and I met at uni at 18, pooled finances and moved in together after 3 weeks…we’ve been together nearly 30 years. If you know, you know. I get really angry for women being pissed about by future fakers and lazy gits with no plan. It’s so cruel and selfish.

Just read updates - 30s hmm tbh I thought he was a lot younger.
What did he expect

I completely agree with a post above.
She's got the Ick, has lost respect.
She has enough self respect not to accept being spoken to in the manner she was.
His backtracking has given her the ick.
She knows that it could be housing that is driving it and she wants him out.

OP, he needs to move out asap if he wants to reclaim any smidgen of self respect.
He should vacate HER home and not hang around like a bad smell.

27 is so young, she has lots of time.
Sounds like your son should listen to his father more.
Thinking he was some great prize has bitten your son on the ass.

It's possible she doesn't want someone who's mother has to take him to buy a ring for her after she broke up with him. There's a difference between a man who wants to settle down with you and makes the move to commit and a man who only proposes after she broke up with him.

I don't think your son should be proposing just to get her back, that's a recipe for disaster. If they are able to talk things over and reconcile fine but don't go buy a ring just to beg her to come back when it's obvious that's now what he really wants. He will be filled with resentment.

I think proposals are stupid and it should be a joint and equal conversation, and I’m no fan of marriage as an institution, but by god I love an assertive woman who knows what she wants. 100000% team girlfriend.

He's learnt a great lesson that inaction has consequences. Was she meant to wait forever?
Hopefully this will help him grow up and be sure of what he really wants.

Making sure he was ok is different to the OP's plan to chat to the ex-GF to point out there's not many decent guys around though.

Vastly different.

I don’t get it either. I couldn’t give a toss if it was Christmas Day itself Valentine’s Day, or whatever other nonsense holiday. I’m not into Christmas at all so it being close to Christmas wouldn’t even enter my mind as a consideration plus once I’ve had enough I’ve had enough, why the heck am I considering his feelings when he didn’t give a toss about mine.

If this was my son and I liked the GF as much as the OP is saying I’d actually be laying into him, not coming on here saying the GF was inconsiderate, unreasonable etc

So what if there is?

you don’t live with someone and not even discuss commitment after 3 years. I personally think being told he’s not even considering “silly timelines” is a good enough reason to chuck him out, Christmas or not!

If you love and adore someone, you’d at least dud “silly timelines” if they wanted to’

I know someone who had to prod her ex re. timelines. He wasn't ready. 5 years in, she was in her 30s and 2 weeks before the wedding stemming from an ultimatum he walked away. When men aren't ready, they aren't ready. She is smart to move on. Good for her not accepting a half arsed proposal. She is young enough to find something else, or just not to put up with BS. His response to her timeline question was shocking. Her friends must be cheering her on (I hope).

If he wanted to marry her, he should have proposed long ago. Lesson learnt for next time. But it’s a painful lesson.

Honestly scaremongering women to stay with inadequate men isn’t a smart move. Gen Z and even millennials are hip to this and can see through it all. They hear the war stories of women in their 50s+ who regret having settled for men who got progressively worse.

He's thirty years old, and living with her, but wasn't even willing to discuss timing of when he'd plan on getting engaged?

Begs the question: what is he waiting for?

he's just not that into you..... if he's not marrying you

Wtf 😂😂
You talk like you buy a partner from a shop 😂
As it happens I got married to my first husband at 23. We’d been together 6 years. Turns out he was an abusive prick and bringing children into that relationship would have been a disaster.

I met my second husband when I was 30. I knew instantly I wanted to marry him and have children. We were married and I was pregnant within 18 months. Still blissfully happy 12 years later.

Absolutely. I received a lovely note from my ex’s parents after we broke up, expressing genuine sadness and wishing me all the best. Not the same at all.

But he didn’t want to discuss timelines. He was stringing along, she couldn’t be sure of him so she ended it.

marriage isn’t his gift to bestow, she wanted to discuss it like adults and agree it together, he didn’t and dismissed her thoughts and feelings on it because he thought it was his choice only when it should happen.

he may not have realised it but he FAFO.

oh and she’d 27, she’ll be fine

The typo in your title is very Freudian.

He had three years. Unless they got together at 14 then that should be enough time to shit or get off the pot.