Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

From OP: "A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged."

That doesn't sound like a woman sitting around waiting to be asked to me. She brought up the topic of marriage herself, asked for a timeline towards engagement and marriage. She initiated discussion on the topic.

You are not wrong to hurt for your son.
He isnt wrong to have said he wasnt ready.
She definitely wasnt wrong to move on and not to wear sackcloth and ashes in mourning. A party is a good place to get over a relationship that is not likely to meet your needs future and present.
He might be a good son to you but doesnt mean he is the best boyfriend ever.
He might even be one of the few good men out there as you imply. Still doesnt mean she has to stand there like a soggy hungry ugly duckling waiting for the lord of the manor to scrap off some leftover crumbs her way. He hasnt changed his mind. He wants to buy a ring cos he didnt realise she would not wait for the crumbs. If she says yes after this ring he might bring it up that she forced him to propose. Or she might never feel like this was really his wish. It will feel tainted either way. A d he might play the long game -put a ring on it and forget.

May be they will get back together. May be this is it. Its done and a lesson for your son. Whatever the case, stay out if it

An engagement is a commitment to get married and she just wanted a timeline. Yes you are the one, let’s get engaged before 2027, married 2028 and plan children for 2030 I don’t think that is unreasonable

That was OP interpretation

you don’t leave a relationahip you are happy in because your friend is singlr

thats a deflection, like much of
OPs original post

Bloody hell OP you sounds so outdated and embarrassing. At 27 it’s risky to start again…. A woman should never be afraid to start again at whatever age, if it’s what makes her happy. Women aren’t just walking wombs you know.

My daughter engaged after 5 years of dating. I probably would have told her to have another serious conversation with him before leaving.
He wanted to marry her he wasn't going to just string her along forever

And in her flat too!’

Just her fertile years!

Oh yeah, she's so "awful" she isn't even insisting he move out until after Christmas. 🙄 She sounds like a switched-on, sensible young woman to me.

LOL, you don’t string someone along if you truly love someone. He’s done her a favour and he’s clearly already regretting it if he’s desperately trying to ‘win’ her back by proposing now.

He only mentioned buying a ring when faced with the prospect of having to find somewhere to live and pay his own way in life, no way was that a genuine proposal. Good on her turning him down, i bet they'd have been 'engaged' for 20yrs if she'd stayed.

What next, when do you want kids, next year, next year! She's right not to put any faith in what he says.

In a nice way OP, imo, you say you don't think she knows what she wants but I think it's perfectly clear that she does. She wanted a natural proposal. She wanted him to want to do it. She's likely been thinking things through and as he didn't take her seriously (fair enough to him if he wasn't ready,) she's decided she doesn't want to waste time on waiting for him to be ready.

She maybe feels like if he wanted it, he'd have heard her when they talked about it, that it's what she wants. It didn't happen, so she's going to try again with someone who makes her feel wanted.

There's no right or wrong (and definitely no one needing sense talked into them!) it's just the way it's worked out.
It's natural to be protective over our kids, whether they're 3 or 30, but you can't protect him from life. He just needs to grieve the relationship, which perhaps she's been doing the past few weeks and is now ready to move on. He will be ready too, when he's had time to accept things and know that it's just one of those things, they both had different expectations.

Wtf 27 'risky'??? 🙄

Ok but she wanted to get engaged soon… not ‘whenever’ in the future. And she clearly didn’t want to have to ultimatum him into engagement which is what a second conversation would’ve been. She wanted him to want to marry her… not to feel like she forced him into it.

He had his chance. He called her silly instead.

I don’t think she pushed him to proposing, but asked whether he saw them as being married at some point, and then asked for a rough timeframe. His non-committal answer made her realise that he had no map for his life, and she’d just be waiting around. You’d think that after three years together, and turning thirty , he’d have some idea, but nope.

This woman did have a serious conversation with your son before she left. So she's done what you think is right.

ChatGPT has spoken:

1. What actually happened

Your girlfriend didn’t end things because of a timeline in the abstract. She ended them because:

• She wanted reassurance about commitment and a future
• Your answer signalled uncertainty (even if that’s not what you meant)
• For her, that uncertainty crossed a line she couldn’t live with

That doesn’t make either of you a villain. It means you wanted openness, and she needed certainty.

1. About “being left on the shelf”

Your mum’s comment reflects a very old anxiety — especially around women and time — but it’s not helpful here. What matters is this:

• Your ex is allowed to decide what she needs, even if it’s driven by fear
• You are allowed not to propose until it feels right
• A proposal done under pressure is not a kindness — it’s a gamble with resentment built in

No one was wrong to want what they wanted. The tragedy is that those wants no longer aligned.

1. The painful truth (said with care)

From her point of view, three years in, your answer likely sounded like: “I don’t know if I want to marry you, and I’m not sure when I’ll know.” Even if you do love her deeply, that uncertainty is devastating to hear if someone is ready to build a life now. From your point of view, a proposal is:

• A serious, irreversible commitment
• Something you don’t want to do to meet a deadline
• Something that should come from confidence, not fear of loss

Both positions are reasonable. They’re just incompatible.

If he wanted to marry her, why didn’t he tell her so?

Why couldn't she have proposed?

She does know what she wants and it isn’t him

he showed his hand and that has changed things

it would be like walking around in wet clothes trying to get him to the next stage each time - who wants that!

She is letting him stay because she cares about him neither one way or the other. If she was mad with him, she would have asked him to leave.

This ...agree 100 💯 can't do at Xmas... can't do it at new year.
Well January is a depressing month
Oh can't do it coming up to valentines day
How much more time should she be expected to waste with this man child whose mammy still fights his battles for him

So what was the hold up? Why wasn't he ready? Why has it taken her ending their relationship for him to now be ready to go out and buy a ring tomorrow?

She basically did by saying she wanted to get married. He said he didn't want to stick to any silly timelines.

He's been selfish and inconsiderate. He disregarded his GF's needs and wishes and refused to communicate properly about something that was important to her concerning their future. I hope he learns from this. He needs to.