To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

I’m early 30s and have definitely noticed this thing with a lot of my generation and younger, over-analysing their childhoods and any parenting ‘mistakes’ made by their parents.
Obviously some people have parents who were genuinely abusive and/or negligent but it’s often it’s not the case. My parents were far from perfect in many ways, but now I have my own children I realise how very difficult it is navigating different situations, knowing whether you’re doing the right thing or not.

This exactly.

I agree with you. I’m not sure it’s representive of my life with this child though or maybe I’m deluded? So for example, she was always very respectful, we spent so much time together having fun and talked about everything. This isn’t a child that wasn’t ever disciplined for example because she was, but never needed anything heavy handed because she was (is) lovely and tried at school, got a PT job whilst at college and was always grateful for any help we gave her. She also loved buying me a gift on my birthday and left me notes etc as a teenager. This is only something that started when she left home. Almost like she’s analysed her childhood alongside her OH and has now ‘realised’ I made lots of mistakes or even large ones but I didn’t! If I did (of course I did make some) but I can assure you they weren’t enough for her to feel this way about me. People seem a little hung up about the money but realistically that seems like the easiest thing to fix. I intend to just invite her to pay next time (something inexpensive) it’s more about the way she expects it even though her OH doesn’t (although maybe he does when it’s his Mum) They do nothing but complain about his Mum interfering and I just brush it off and say something vaguely encouraging because I don’t want to be negative about someone else’s Mum even though I think she’s actually crackers! They speak badly of her but then recently accepted a sizeable gift from her and I pointed out that it was very generous of her because it is. If they feel so strongly about her (maybe me as well) why do they want to accept anything from us? It seems to me that if it were that bad they wouldn’t want to see me but they seem to want to. I think now that I’m thinking more about it that she’s become a little selfish in the last 4-5 years. She is very critical of a lot of people when I think about it. I don’t know perhaps she’s unhappy but she seems very settled and like her life is going the ways she wants it to. I am in a position to afford her coffee and cake etc and actually whenever she says she’s struggling I send her a little bit but it’s more the entitlement if it that seems to have grown. I did something for her over last weekend that took up quite a lot if my time and she seemed disappointed that I hadn’t done more, it’s hard to explain without saying exactly what it was. She hadn’t asked me to do it but I checked it was okay and she was enthusiastic about it but I could tell it wasn’t quite good enough and it has made me really sad actually and I’m not overly emotional usually.

“Today’s youth…. Blah blah blah”
On par with “KIDS TODAY!”

The older generation (annoying to be lumped In together and make an annoying generalisation, isn’t it?) always love to whinge about those that come after them.

It’s incredibly tedious and predictable.

Yes I think that’s what I’m getting at. It’s awash with how we messed them up and did everything wrong. But when you tried so hard it’s a bit galling!

Becoming a parent yourself really does make your look back at how you were parented. You gain a lot more understanding but equally there are many wtf moments! 😆

Hard to say when we only get one side but I find it incredibly irritating when I try to explain how I felt growing up and get told that it doesn’t matter because they were doing their best. I understand that, and quite often when I say it it’s because I’m dealing with consequences mentally from things that happened that weren’t dealt with in my eyes correctly (I have children now and my mums favourite phrase used to be ‘wait until you have children’ now it’s ’wait until you have grandchildren’ or whatever)’ A constant moving of goal posts where I will never understand her because I am not exactly in her shoes. This is frustrating because it feels invalidating. My parents also threw money at everything and then use it as an excuse, when you explain things you did they sound like not out of the ordinary things to do. If you say this and expect a congratulatory response it’s frustrating. Similarly if you say ‘well I’m sorry you feel like that’ it just sounds like you’re not taking responsibility - like I say I’m not saying you didn’t try your best but sometimes it might not feel enough.
My mother will eventually throw her hands up and say ‘well I can’t say anything’ it’s an issue of communication because I spent a long time wanting a type of parent I didn’t have. I’ve accepted it now but it was a long road. Don’t give gifts or spend money if you expect strings attached. It starts to become controlling. ‘Oh you accepted that money but you’re annoyed at her’ well yes maybe they needed the money and love her deep down but just find her frustrating.

That’s very sad. I did ask my Mum if she could remember me being this age and whether I expected her to pay and she said that I didn’t and always acted grateful.

I have noticed this. Not with my own children but some of my friends and acquaintances’ kids are dreadfully entitled. They seem to want their parents to do things for them rather than do it themselves. They resent their parents spending money to enjoy themselves as they think it’s theirs by right. They also criticise their parents for the slightest thing. But some aren’t like that at all.

You provided a roof over her head which was calm and loving. She had a good school life. Many, many people in the world would think love to have that. My son said he realised what a good home he had-I was a single parent-when he went to university and met kids who didn’t have what he had. Have you tried talking to her about this? Telling her how you feel? She may have no idea you feel like this.

When my kids were growing up, my mantra was don’t sweat the small stuff. I dunno-I think there is much more chasing perfection now-if you didn’t have the perfect life then you’re traumatised. It’s good to be a good enough parent. Not to smooth over everything for your kids and make things perfect. How will they deal with an imperfect life?

Some of it is personality and some I think is not having enough life experience to appreciate their parents. My daughters are both appreciative of their parenting and I wouldn’t say either is entitled and they are both in their 30s. Some of my friends have adult children like that though.

I think modern life is not easy for youngsters though with high house prices, social media, job insecurity and pension rights stripped away so many face working until 70. The time thing is obviously difficult for you. Can you arrange a regular get together say once a fortnight or every three weeks if she doesn’t live nearby? Maybe if you have other younger kids which keep you busy she just misses you? Or it may be she is entitled.

Okay thanks, I’m genuinely taking what you’re saying on board. But, are these things that you mention just things that you probably ought to just get over? I don’t mean that horribly, just that some of the stuff seems quite minor to me and if you live with someone for 20 years of course there will be mistakes. I mean are they even really mistakes? Who is to say that if you handled it differently that they wouldn’t wish you handled it the other way 20+ years down the line? I would never say ‘I can’t say anything.’ I also said ‘I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.’ Not ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’ I’m not sure without checking my post if I made a mistake typing it out. (it’s jumping a bit) but surely that’s an apology? I was genuine about the apology as well. However, if I told you what it is I suspect most people would say “Well that’s the way I would have dealt with it as well.” But I can still take responsibility for it if it made her sad. But if I hadn’t dealt with it that way then she maybe would never have moved forward and maybe would have resented me not trying to help her overcome the issue she had! I suppose what I’m trying to say is that some things aren’t actually our fault. You might think they are but we were damned if we did and damned if we didn’t. Your issues with your parents might be ‘worse’ than the sort of things I imagine my daughter has a problem with though, hard to tell without getting deep and personal.

Wow!

she’s not a Boomer, put money on her being Generation X like me.

As did my parents !

Re the expecting parents to pay for things: I do think it's quite common to 'revert' a bit when you're a young adult spending time with your parent, and perhaps it is a sign of security, if that makes sense. Like you feel able to just behave like a child again and be looked after and even be a bit selfish. I know (to my shame) I've been like that a bit sometimes, and it's only now that my parents are older that I look after them more. Part of that gradual balance shift of who looks after who.

@Pennyfan I have noticed this. Not with my own children but some of my friends and acquaintances’ kids are dreadfully entitled. They seem to want their parents to do things for them rather than do it themselves. They resent their parents spending money to enjoy themselves as they think it’s theirs by right. They also criticise their parents for the slightest thing.
I too have friends and relatives with adult children like this and the OP's- but many parents are now terrified of being cut off/estranged if they speak out too. There is a lot of therapy speak e.g. if a parent disagrees, they are gaslighting them, other posters advising to grey rock, go NC or VLC etc.
There are also many threads on MN with posters complaining about older parents and their money and 'narcissistic' parents. As far as I am aware, only a psychiatrist can diagnose narcissism, not someone on the internet. Many older friends are actively saving for care homes now but if they dare to take a holiday or do not provide regular childcare, they're selfish - parents can't win.
In addition, most of this seems directed at mothers, so much ageism (Karen anyone?) and misogyny. It seems like we've gone back to the days of drowning older women as witches.

Thanks, it probably is that and it’s not the end of the world really. I was sort of wondering if others felt it a bit now that their children are older. It seems to be a mixed bad really but lots if people said this so I shall try and reframe it in my mind that she feels comfortable with me.

I understand, I’m just saying from my perspective my mother quite often poses things to me like I should be thankful and often they are things that quite simply are expected. I know I’m not a perfect parent, but I certainly wouldn’t tell my children ‘well we moved so you could go to a better school’ or ‘I drove you to school everyday’ no more than I’d say ‘there was always food on the table’. I was never close to mine so it gobsmacks me when they insist we’re best friends (we’re not) I used to feel very frustrated that she couldn’t show up how I wanted to, I always felt there was a slight, a comment, an expectation- I started communicating that with her but it ended in arguments every time and that it was a very much ‘me’ problem. The thing is it isn’t- I don’t surround myself with people who pick at me because I grew up with it. My mother would also say she’d done everything for me, but in reality she didn’t- sure I went to school, excelled academically but she never really saw me. Or that’s what it felt like. I was horrendously bullied and had an eating disorder but she couldn’t see any of it because it upset her too much. There was a lot of self centredness almost like ‘how could you do this to me’ when all I’d done was exist( and then she wanted me to be thankful for being able to exist) It’s complex, I didn’t have a terrible upbringing but I find it hard to communicate with her. I don’t expect them to pay but they always insist- just start by setting that boundary, it might be that she just assumes you’re happy to because you always have.

Also re: getting over, it’s hard if the parent just insists everything was rosy when in your experience it wasn’t and has contributed to issues further down the line. I’m not saying this generation does this and yours is all wrong, I’m just saying that if you sat down and discussed it and were open about everything it might solve a lot of problems. Eg The money issue- if a parent was holding this as resentment I would immediately resolve it, but if they don’t know then it’s hard to.

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned not at all, I think that's very reasonable. As long as the presumption isn't there that someone pays all the time, it's ok to split costs whatever way is fair. My DHs family for example pay for SIL these says because she has fallen on hard times but she was always generous when things were easier for her. I happily contribute. If it were to become an expectation when she (hopefully) gets on her feet again I'd feel differently.

That sounds really hard and I’m sorry you are still struggling with those feelings.

I am 100% guilty of this. I have started to say no more to my youngest but I think that comes from exhaustion and realising that a lot of the stuff you run yourself ragged for doesn’t stick anyway 😂 (and isn’t appreciated) Music lessons for example, oh the money I’ve wasted… but I would never complain to said child about that or act a little salty about it but it feels like if I hadn’t done all those things that I would be the bad guy.

Very sensible of course.

I think YABU to say this is "young adults" as opposed to your dd.

I have 3 (all in their 20s) and none of them are like this, and nor are other young adults I am close to.

YANBU to start a thread saying you feel sad she is like this, but YABU to suggest it is all young adults.

Totally get that and appreciate your input. I obviously went wrong somewhere. I kind of was basing it on social media posts I see about breaking generational trauma etc as well as my daughter’s behaviour. When actually they go in to say that the worst thing their parents did was not buy them a pony (I exaggerate of course).