To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

I know I’m not a perfect parent, but I certainly wouldn’t tell my children ‘well we moved so you could go to a better school’ or ‘I drove you to school everyday’ no more than I’d say ‘there was always food on the table’. I was never close to mine so it gobsmacks me when they insist we’re best friends (we’re not) I used to feel very frustrated that she couldn’t show up how I wanted to, I always felt there was a slight, a comment, an expectation- I started communicating that with her but it ended in arguments every time and that it was a very much ‘me’ problem. The thing is it isn’t- I don’t surround myself with people who pick at me because I grew up with it. My mother would also say she’d done everything for me, but in reality she didn’t- sure I went to school, excelled academically but she never really saw me.

Sounds a bit like my mother.

My mother was my bully. She would nitpick every little thing about me while praising my younger sister. People would praise me as a person, I won awards at school, one being the highest you could get and she would just go mmhmm.. yea.. like it was uncomfortable but if it was my sister, she would practically beam with pride. Anything she would do for me, she would hold over me or remind me so I stopped asking for help but if I didn’t ask for her help and asked my dad (they live together), she would be angry. It always takes my aunt, her SIL to point out her negative bias towards me.

She’s better now towards me and a way better grandparent than she ever was a mother to me, but the only way our relationship works is 4,000 miles away with a Skype call once a week and seeing each other in person once a year and the focus is on my children.

To be completely honest, becoming a mother only proved that she could have been way better than she actually was as a mother to me and for some reason only she knows, she chose not to. Funny enough she would talk about how mean her aunt was to her son compared to his siblings and said male cousin was such a sweetheart, yet she was the same way to me as her aunt was to him.

I remembered she hugged me two years ago when she and my dad were leaving. Even DH’s eyes widened in surprise. We’ve been together for 15 years and it was the first time he ever saw her hug me. I don’t recall the last hug she gave me before that even as a child.

No. It hasn’t always been the case. My boomer parents were a lot better off than my grandparents. They transcended their class boundaries.
My first one bedroom flat 20 years ago cost 10 times what my parents paid for the 4 bedroom house I grew up in in the 70’s. I don’t earn 10 times their salary.

Just want to say, your post here really resonates with me - the whole thing about not being 'seen', it might sounds like 'therapy speak' to some but it's exactly how I feel about my relationship with my mother. She talks a lot about how great I am but I am a writer and I know for a fact she's never read a single thing I've written. She's just not interested. The only thing about me that really interests her is how I look. I've also had really serious problems in my life around addiction and depression and she's not wanted to know or see any of that. I haven't made her because what's the point? Anyway, don't want to hijack this thread - but just to say thanks for opening my eyes a bit.

Wanted to jump on and give an update because some people on here were really nice and tried to help. 75% agreed that they are becoming more entitled so I feel it was probably a fair title.

I have taken some things on board and am going to make an effort see much more of them and speak more often and listen more carefully. I have been to see them and I don’t think there is any issue as such. I was careful to listen more, rather than talking (I do go on a bit) I am going to raise any points as they come up, if any comments are made then I will address them and talk them through with an open mind if needs be. I have come to the conclusion that they are quite selfish, there were mentions of other people and comments made that sort of reinforced my belief that they are quite entitled. That said, I will hope that it’s a phase and will continue to be there and hope that life knocks it out of them in the next few years. Nothing relationship ruining.

I think a big part of the problem is, my generation (boomers/gen x) were brought up very differently; not pandered to, expected to pull our weight in the family home, doing small chores from a young age, minding our manners, respecting our elders etc… but that’s all changed. I remember my mum going on about the sacrifices my parents made for us, although God knows what those sacrifices were; we were well fed and clothed - the minimum requirement for bringing up kids I’d have thought - but given very little praise or encouragement, or practical advice, no financial help and no interest shown in our future beyond the understanding that we’d get a good job and not bring ourselves or our parents into disrepute. Now there’s much more focus on children’s happiness and wellbeing, their feelings and mental health are taken seriously, which is as it should be, but consequently their expectations are higher and they’re less respectful of older generations. And while I’m glad things have changed for the better in lots of ways, I can’t help feeling sometimes that my generation have been stuffed both ways, ie the deference and duty we showed our parents has never been shown to us.

I'm sorry that your dd is treating you like this.

I have an adult daughter. She is not like this. Her boyfriend is not like this with his parents either. My nephew is not like this either.

I don't think it's a generational thing really. I think it has always been the case that some young people are entitled/selfish/disrespectful etc. As indeed are some much older people.

I really enjoy how in this post you've said that your mum said/thought exactly the same as you do about raising children, but that rather than this showing an unchanging generational cycle, it must be that you were right and justified to feel that way, but that she was wrong!

I think you feel exactly the same way as me. It’s a mixed bag and some things have changed for the better but that has had a negative effect on other areas.

Absolutely this^^

Can I just say, I’ve worked many many customer service and hospitality jobs and the most entitled people were pretty much always boomer generation. Snapping fingers, shouting and huffing and always so entitled as well! So maybe it’s not a generation thing, maybe it’s just that all generations have their rude people and it’s nothing to do with age at all!

I read something the other day about how children sometimes grow up thinking that their parents/mum are there for them, they don't necessarily see mum as her own person herself just a planet revolving around them the "star" a bit Luke main character syndrome.
I think modelling reciprocity was mentioned as one of the remedies which makes sense, but the conversation was around late primary aged children.

I don't expect deference or duty from my adult dc. And my parents never expected deference or duty from me either. They did expect courtesy, respect and consideration, and they consistently modelled those same qualities in their interactions with me. I tried to bring up my daughter in the same way. And she is consistently courteous, respectful and considerate.

I think it's easy to complain about generational trends, but there are plenty of young people out there who are not in the slightest bit "entitled". Caring about their mental health and raising their expectations really doesn't lead to a lack of gratitude or respect. If there is a problem, then I would suggest that it lies elsewhere.

@TomatoSandwiches Those are great metaphors and I think it’s true in some cases that adult children ignore/are oblivious to the fact that their parents are individuals in their own rights with their own wants and needs!

When they’re actual children, parents do need to revolve around their children like planets nurturing and providing for them, but in healthy relationships, this changes when the children become adults. Emotional support should always be there, but adults need to acknowledge that their parents have their own lives too.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack
I don’t expect duty and deference either, and actually my adult children are very kind and considerate by nature, as are lots of others. I’ve worked with young people for many years though, and there does seem to be a shift in attitudes towards older generations, which doesn’t mean all young people are entitled, necessarily; it’s more complex than that. Good for you if you were brought up by model parents and consequently became a model parent to a model child; it’s not always as simple as that for us mere mortals.

I'm not saying I was a model parent. Or indeed that my parents were model parents. But whether we like it or not, kids do reflect our own behaviour back at us.

I've also worked a lot with young people over the years, and in my experience, if they are treated with genuine respect and consideration, then they typically reciprocate.

Sadly, I think the current generation of younger people probably feel shafted by older generations. And why wouldn't they?

.

I agree to a degree. I’ve been hyper vigilant these last few days and trying to see if I notice it in everyone or more so in that generation and I think it may be slightly more apparent with that generation. Of course there are plenty of rude people at every age but I do think the rise of therapy speak etc has had a small effect on their entitlement. I would be interested to see a study on it because I’m perfectly prepared to admit when I’m wrong believe me. On a baby name post I saw a woman (of that generation) speak so disparagingly about her parents because of the grand old crime of…..giving her a popular / common name. There certainly seems to be a lot of blame from them for the tiniest of things when we were just doing what we thought was right in those moments.

And yet we have the saddest generation ever. Youngsters on anti depressants in more numbers than ever before. I’m constantly reading about young people unhappy, unable to cope with everyday life and even deciding that school is too much. Could it be that pulling weight, helping out, being expected to entertain themselves, handle their own friendships and take school punishment without complaining might actually be good for us? That totally child centred rearing and parental involvement in all thei activities isn’t the healthiest? My kids were told that we were a team who all had a part to play and if they didn’t feel like doing their chores, tough, we all have to do things we don’t feel like.

Why would they feel shafted? Genuinely interested, I’m envious that 2 full time workers (when I was a child) could afford a house, a car and holidays every year where as now it doesn’t necessarily afford that. But I don’t feel shafted, how would that generation have known what was to come?

I think there’s an element of this. I’ve started using a mantra at home ‘I’m a human being and it’s okay that I’m doing something that I want to do right now.” But I bet when my youngest grow up they resent me for it 😂 I’m doing what I think it best in the moment (as I did then) but time will tell I guess.

I’ve seen this a lot. Depression and anxiety are really serious and I promise I’m not trying to minimise it but it certainly does feel like some people of this generation really lean in to it. I think if they pull the mental health card they realise that they have some protection and will be let off more lightly with their workload. The adults in their life also feel the need to pussyfoot around them (had to do this) so as to not add to their stress because we don’t know if it’s genuine or just the kind of stress we all went through and learnt to manage or something more serious. But then they’re not really prepared for real life are they?

My take is that nowadays, we acknowledge that depression and anxiety exist, rather than trying to hide MH problems, as frequently happened in the past. That acknowledgement and the fact that having counseling/taking medication is no longer considered shameful, is extremely healthy.

But, having an illness isn’t a “get out of jail free” card for life’s responsibilities. Many people are diagnosed and take medication for anxiety, for example, but they still go to work, pay their bills, look after their families, etc. The help they receive enables them to do this, just as taking insulin enables a diabetic to function. Yes, a few people are genuinely too ill to function, but it’s important to try or life will pass you by.

I think life is much tougher for young people now than it was when I was in my twenties.

Massive student debt but far too few graduate jobs. A serious housing crisis/lack of affordable rental properties that has resulted in many people having to live with their parents well into adulthood. Not to mention those who have ended up homeless. A failure to invest properly in our education system. A much tougher housing market which makes it far harder for young people to get on the housing ladder because house prices have risen so much faster than wages. The loss of opportunities to study and work in Europe because of Brexit. The damage that Brexit has done to our overall economy and young people's future prospects. A complete failure to tackle the mental health problems for young people that exploded during the pandemic. A failure to invest in properly in maintaining and modernising our national health service. The ongoing impact of Tory austerity across so many of our public services. The prospect of having to work well into old age before they will be able to claim their state pensions. The threats posed by climate change. And so on.

Not only do I totally agree with your original post, but I definitely agree with this comment. I'm going through this with 31yo DC at the moment. Except I have recently actually told her how I'm feeling. I am sick to death of tiptoeing around her, and making myself upset in the process. She once again asked for me money (works 2 jobs, has a mortgage) recently, and unfortunately I lost my shit. Everything I kept bottled up since she graduated (10yrs ago) came out, and now she's pulled the MH card on me. I also am not minimising MH problems AT ALL, but it just seems very convenient to me at the moment.

As I've said on other threads, I think that there's this false idea that previous generations had it easy.

My dad managed to pay for a one bedroom flat - he saved up so that he could get married and waited until his mid-thirties. It had an inside toilet but no bathroom. He lost it when the council purchased it for a ridiculously low amount of money in 1972.

I managed to get a mortgage for a 2 bedroom house when I started working in 1987. It took me 27 years to pay it off.

To this day, most of the house still has the carpets laid by the original owner in the 1970s and most of the furniture is second-hand. Not everyone had it easy, and - as I've said before - only certain parts of the UK experienced an economic boom. It certainly didn't happen in my part of Scotland.